


I Got Your Fix

by aestophe



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Big brother!Eggsy, Canon-Typical Violence, Complicated Relationships, Eggsy Unwin Whump, Eggsy is a bit broken, Fix-It, Harry Hart Lives, I like sticking them in houses okay, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Injury Recovery, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mentions of unsafe parenting practices, Merlin is reluctantly good with kids, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Use, Past Rentboy!Eggsy, Past physical abuse, Recovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Slow recovery, Trauma Recovery, anxiety attack, complex PTSD, invalidation of trauma, mental health, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-03-04 19:14:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 92,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13371342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestophe/pseuds/aestophe
Summary: “Can I help you with something?” Eggsy asked cooly, his voice probably more brusque than it should have been, but he was tired as fuck and if Merlin wanted to take offense, he could shove it.“You refused pain meds.” Merlin’s voice was quiet, but in an authoritative sort of way.Eggsy sighed internally; sighing for real hurt too much.“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was stern. “You didn’t take the paracetamol, did you.” There wasn’t a question in Merlin’s voice.Eggsy considered lying, then gave a half-shrug, biting his lip when it hurt. “Not a big fan of pills.”Merlin’s brow creased, like he was trying to puzzle Eggsy out. “They could have given you a shot -”“Not a big fan of needles, either.” Which wasn’t entirely the truth. But hell if he was going to tell Merlin that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is strict Merwin (Merlin/Eggsy), rather than Merhartwin. Felt like writing something different, and the minor pairs don't always get the love they deserve.
> 
> Title is inspired by the song "Fix" by Chris Lane.
> 
> Also there's nothing that requires the archive warnings /planned/ for this fic but my fics rarely do what they're told, so we'll see.

Eggsy limped out of the airplane, Roxy behind him. Merlin was doing whatever he needed to do in the cockpit, and had sent Eggsy and Roxy ahead to medical. Eggsy only complained a bit; he felt like he’d gone twenty rounds with a sandbag that hit back. It wasn’t a far walk from where they’d been let out, just up a lift and down a few hallways.

Still, Eggsy wasn’t really looking forward to it. Harry had mentioned his record, so certainly they had at least an idea of his history, but there was quite a bit that official records never mentioned. It hadn’t come up during training, but it was probably going to have to come up now. If he had to guess, at least one of his ribs was fractured. The pain in his leg from landing hard when fighting with Gazelle probably wasn’t good either.

The doctor ushered him into the medical cube, Roxy directed to another, and Eggsy let the tests pass by in a blur. There was blood draws, x rays, sitting in a tube and letting something whirl around him. His mind was tired, his body even worse. It was difficult enough to do what he was told.

Finally he sat dressed in sweatpants and a cotton shirt, in one of the nicer consultation rooms. The doctor was sitting behind a desk, Eggsy on the other side. It was more difficult to sit than he had anticipated. His ribs, most likely. Even breathing was difficult. His right arm was in a sling, and he was limping on his left leg.

“You sustained significant injuries,” the doctor said. His name was Morvydd, and for all that he was dour, he seemed to be competent. He hadn’t tried to engage in small talk, and just got to the point. “You have at least four fractured ribs, a broken ankle, and a fracture in your right wrist in your scaphoid bone.”

No wonder he fuckin’ hurt.

“We’re going to give you a walking boot for your leg, to stabilize the ankle,” Morvydd continued. “You’ll need a cast on your arm, too.”

Eggsy gritted his teeth. Shit. “I’m benched, then?”

Morvydd blinked at him. “Of course.”

Fucking fuck. “For how long?”

Morvydd hesitated. Eggsy ran out of swear words. “The ribs will take four to eight weeks, most likely, your ankle six to eight weeks. But the scaphoid is notoriously slow to heal and will require three months or so before you’ll be able to get the cast off and another month or more on regaining full range of motion in your wrist. And that’s assuming it heals correctly. We’ll need to monitor your healing every two to four weeks.”

Eggsy just stared at him. Three months. At  _ least _ three months.The words repeated over and over in his head. Shit. Fuck. Fuck it all. God, just when he thought the day couldn’t get any worse.

“I’m going to prescribe you some opioids -”

“No,” Eggsy cut in. “I’m good, ta.”

Morvydd frowned this time. “There are good non-opioid painkiller options, if you have objections to something strong -”

Eggsy forced a smile onto his face. “Ta, bruv. But I’m good.”

Morvydd narrowed his eyes.

“Paracetamol would be fine,” Eggsy allowed. 

Morvydd cleared his throat. “I’ll send you home with a bottle.”

Eggsy bit back a laugh. Home? Where was that? There was no way he could go home to Mum now. God, he didn’t even want to. He was a fucking horrible son. Mum would freak out, and there were only so many things he could blame on V-day. He would also have to explain his new job, the new suit.

The new suit, that was in a garment bag somewhere and probably ruined. He didn’t know how easy it was to get blood out of bulletproof fabric, but he doubted it was simple.

Then there was Dean. Eggsy would have loved to believe that Mum would dump his arse if Eggsy asked, move the family in a new direction. But he was realistic. Mum had been with him for going on twelve years now, put up with his temper the entire time. Even though she’d protected Eggsy, she’d protected Dean, too.

His heart clenched. Daisy. How was his little sister? Mum did her best, but sometimes Daisy cried too much and Dean or Mum got angry. Eggsy hadn’t been there to protect her. He hadn’t been there to protect either of them.

“The nurse will take you back into the treatment area for the casts,” Morvydd said, his voice intruding upon Eggsy’s thoughts. Eggsy just nodded. He had no idea where his mobile was; he’d probably lost it somewhere in the bunker. He would have to talk to Merlin, or Roxy. Maybe borrow theirs.

Someone knocked on the door. Eggsy turned to look, then hissed, pain shooting throughout his middle. Shit. His ribs. It wasn’t the first time he had broken them, but fuck they hurt. “You okay?” The voice was Roxy’s.

Eggsy stood, carefully, and turned his whole body. “Bit banged up,” he said, looking her over. She was dressed similarly to him, except the sweatpants were a bit too long on her and pooled around her feet. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and her eyes were worried. “Nothing too bad.”

Roxy arched an eyebrow. “Morgana said you’re off active duty for at least the next three months.”

It took Eggsy longer than he would have liked to place the name. Morgana was one of the nurses. A gossip, apparently. She had been the one who took him for his… xrays, or whatever. Eggsy had long lost track.

“I’ll take him to Morgana,” Roxy told Morvydd.

Morvydd frowned in their direction, but nodded. “The meds will be in your room.”

“Aces, ta.” Eggsy offered him an exhausted smile.

Roxy put an arm around Eggsy’s shoulders, helping him out of the room. Not that he needed it, not really, but exhaustion was starting to hit him, unsteady even on his good leg. For all he knew, she was preventing another fracture.

He sank down onto the hospital bed against the wall, hands holding carefully onto the edges. Morgana came out of a different room, someone else with her. “Can I get you some meds?” Morgana asked.

Roxy stood off to the side, watching him.

“Nah, I’m good.” Eggsy smiled at her, a smile he didn’t feel.

Roxy’s eyebrows raised. “Eggsy,” she said, her tone worried.

Eggsy smiled at her, too. “It’s all good, Rox. It don’t hurt that bad.” And no matter how bad it hurt, he wasn’t going to touch a painkiller for anything. Rox didn’t need to know that, though. No one did. The only record Kingsman had was the convictions for selling. There was nothing about him using.

He made it through the casting with Roxy by his side, his teeth gritted and breathing as deeply as his ribs allowed. Eventually the pain faded into the background, a constant hum that lit everything on fire. By the time the medical team was done, he had a walking boot for his leg and a half-arm cast from just below his elbow to his right hand, thumb immobilized. He could at least wiggle his fingers. Thank fuck he was left-handed.

“Anything else?” Eggsy asked, looking from Morgana to the doctor who she had assisted. He didn’t remember her name; he barely remembered his own. His eyes were starting to cross, and his vision was a bit blurrier than he would have liked.

“We have assigned you a room in the temporary quarters,” Morgana said.

“It’s next to mine.” Roxy stood not too far away, arms crossed over her chest. She looked way too thoughtful for his liking. “I’ll take him there.”

Morgana studied her for a few moments, and then nodded. “You’re to come here tomorrow morning for a check-up,” she told Eggsy.

“Ta.” Eggsy smiled at her, then winced as he stood. His leg felt a bit better, and his arm cast was in a sling over his chest, to take some of the pressure off his shoulder and ribs. They had kept the cast relatively thin, probably because of the state of the rest of him. Getting dressed and undressed was about to become ridiculously hilarious for the next few weeks. Good thing there wasn’t much of him that Rox hadn’t seen.

He walked carefully out of the medical unit, Roxy hovering behind him in case she was needed. “It’s not bad,” he told Rox. And it wasn’t. Yeah he was in a fuckton of pain, but he’d learned to navigate life like that long ago. 

Rox made a somewhat distressed noise. Eggsy stopped, turning to look at her with a frown. “You okay?”

“Yeah, cleared, all good.” She cleared her throat. “I leave tomorrow morning for a mission.”

Eggsy brightened. “That’s awesome, Rox!” He would have hugged her, pounded her back, but his arms really weren’t working at the moment. Instead he settled for a bright grin and elbowed her with the cast. “Gotta tell me how it is, yeah?”

“Of course,” Roxy said promptly. There was still something worried to her face, a question she wasn’t asking.

“Can I borrow your mobile?” Eggsy asked. He was tired as hell, but there was no way he was going to be able to wind down until he checked on his Mum and Daisy.

“Merlin gave me a new one for you.” Roxy pulled one out of her pocket, checked it and handed it over. “My number’s in there already.” Rox winked.

“You’re a lifesaver,” Eggsy told her, and it was mostly true.

“How about sitting down before you call?” Roxy worried at her lower lip.

Eggsy turned towards her, careful of the movement. “I’m not gonna break, Rox, don’t worry.”

She didn’t look convinced.

“Where we going?” Eggsy looked at her, expectant, even as he was dialing his Mum’s number from memory.

Obviously reluctant, Roxy started forward. Eggsy hit dial, tucked the phone to his ear with his good hand. It wasn’t quite as easy as he would have liked; it pulled on his ribs and he couldn’t bend his neck without a stab of pain. But it was manageable.

“Hello?” Mum sounded exhausted.

“Mum? It’s Eggsy.” He exhaled in relief. Roxy hadn’t heard from her after she had called with instructions, but Eggsy had hoped for the best.

“Eggsy!” Mum’s voice got a bit too high. He kept his face blank, something he could do with long practice. “Dean and I’ve been so worried about you.” She sniffled. “Daisy misses you too.”

Eggsy stopped, an icy cold hand gripping his heart and freezing his middle. It wasn’t the worst it could have been, but fuck it wasn’t good either. “I’m helping some clean-up efforts,” he told her. “Found a bloke who’s given me a job. Apprentice tailor on Savile Row, comes with a house.”

“Oh that’s lovely, Eggsy!” She really did sound excited.

Eggsy saw Rox come closer out of the corner of his eyes. “You could live there too, Mum.” He tried to sound hopeful, even though he didn’t feel it. She wasn’t proper drunk, not yet, but she had at least had a few.

Mum laughed, but it was brittle. “Nah, this is home.” She sniffled. “Dean’s here, watching Daisy.”

Eggsy closed his eyes, opened them again, gripping the phone. “How about I babysit for you next week, yeah? Once the roads are open again?”

“Oh, Eggsy, that would be lovely.” He could hear her smile. “You’ll have to come over for dinner, too. I’ve missed you.”

Over his dead body. “Sounds great, Mum. I’ll call you when I can. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Her words were faintly slurred. Eggsy ended the call and tucked the phone in his pocket, certain his face looked like stone.

He focused on breathing in, then out, hating the way it hurt his ribs. He could almost hear Roxy standing there, wanting to speak but not. Alcohol was one of the worst drugs in the world, in Eggsy’s opinion. Easy to access, easy to abuse, and easy to fuck up the rest of your life. It had never been Eggsy’s vice.

No, that had been coke. Quick, easy to get. A quick enough high that he could forget the world for at least a while. He dabbled in other things, such as painkillers when he broke his arm and occasionally marijuana, but neither held the same pull that coke had.

Coke was easy to sell, too. Users were everywhere if he knew the right people to talk to, and with a wink and a nudge, he and Mum could eat dinner for another night, no matter what Dean spent on alcohol. Sometimes, when it was really bad, he sold himself, too. Sometimes he had no other options.

He’d come to terms with that, though, years ago. Mum had been drinking since Dad died, and just never stopped. Eggsy had quit coke to get into the military, stayed clean for a while because of the random piss tests. Then Mum had cracked, and Eggsy’s resistance crumbled with it. Within six months he was selling again.

Within a year, he was using. It was so easy to get lost in. Then he’d overdosed at twenty four, six months before Harry came into his life. That was when he got clean. Not that there was much else for him to do, so he’d switched to thieving, or selling his  _ assets _ . Light fingers were useful in his part of the world.

“Eggsy?” Roxy’s voice pulled him back to the present. He blinked, blinked again, meeting her eyes.

“You okay, Rox?” He tried to make his voice light, but it came out dull. It wasn’t surprising.

Roxy snorted. “I should be asking you that question.” She crossed her arms, uncrossed them. Cleared her throat. “Your Mum okay?”

Eggsy swallowed. “Peachy, ta. Thanks to you.” He smiled at her, wiping his feelings off his face. He loved Roxy, he did. She was his best mate. But even then there was things she didn’t need to know. Not that he was ashamed of them, not really. But they weren’t anyone else’s business.

Roxy opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, apparently giving up. Instead they walked the rest of the way to the rooms in a companionable silence. Eggsy’s was first, she showed him how to use the biometric locks that had been set for him. A fingerprint and a retinal scan and he was in.

One last, long look, and a tight hug, and then Rox was gone. Eggsy let out a long sigh, wincing when his ribs jabbed him. Fuck. It wasn’t going to be a fun recovery time.

He limped towards the bathroom, opened the window and found the paracetamol that had been stored there. Filling up a glass of water, Eggsy then tossed two pills into the palm of his hand, looking at them. Prescriptions had never really been his thing. Sure he’d tried them, but they were bloody expensive and not worth the hassle.

But it still pulled at something inside him to take meds, to take anything that was going to change how he felt. Not that it was easy to get coke in the Kingsman mansion, especially when he was being watched by medical. But he knew all he’d have to do was ask and Morvydd would get him something stronger, and that was the wrong path to go down.

Eggsy put the painkillers back in the bottle, then closed it and dumped the water out of the glass. He wasn’t going to risk it. It wasn’t worth it. He’d crush and dump some, so if Roxy happened to check, it would look like he was taking them.

He tucked the bottle back in its spot and limped towards the bathtub. The bathroom was, predictably, huge, with both a shower and a large tub with what looked like jacuzzi jets. He sank down onto the side of it and used his good hand to steady his weight on the edge before he started fussing with the taps.

A good, long soak would take the edge off a lot of things, Eggsy knew from experience. The fight with Dean’s goons wasn’t his first or his last. Eggsy could take care of himself, no matter how bruised up he got. Once he was satisfied with the temperature of the water, he left the tub to fill and wandered back out to the bedroom, searching for clothes. He went with sweats a size too big, with a waistband that cinched, and a t-shirt that would hopefully be easy to pull on.

Then it was into the small kitchenette, because of course their living quarters had a kitchenette. Thankfully they also had bin bags. He would get a cast cover at some point, if he could, but for now it would do. He used his good hand and taped the bag around his arm just above the cast. The walking boot on his foot could come off, but he’d do that just before he got into the bath.

The clothes he put on the bed, facing the door to the bathroom. He went inside, checked the level of the water. Just a bit more. He sank down onto the edge, so he could keep track of the water level, then took the boot off without a hiss. Yeah, it hurt, but Eggsy was no longer at the point he cried when he was in pain.

It was a good defense mechanism, where he lived. He didn’t cry for anything. Even Harry.

He shoved that thought as far away as it would tolerate. He was already dealing with his own shite, he didn’t need Harry involved. He could grieve for Harry later, when his body didn’t feel like it was on fire.

Eggsy didn’t know how long he stayed in the bath, but the water was cool when he used his good arm to help him get out, sitting on the edge with his feet still in the water as he waited for the tub to drain, using a nearby towel to scrub his upper body. He would cut the tape off when he got back into the bedroom, so he wasn’t dripping water everywhere.

The tub drained with a loud gurgle, so Eggsy gently swung his legs over, the faintest hint of a wince when his bad ankle jarred itself. It was funny how little things hurt in the middle of the situation, but once the adrenaline faded it was like everything hitting at once.

He toweled off his hair, then his legs, then the rest of his body, slow going with only one hand. Kingsman’s flexibility training was actually coming in handy, letting him reach between his shoulder blades with only minimal - okay, a whole lot - of pain in his ribs. Still, he gritted his teeth and got it done. The last thing he wanted was to need a cast replacement within an hour of getting it.

And needing another trip back to medical. They were great and all, but no. He didn’t need any more suspicious looks.

Foregoing a towel around his waist (it was his room, who else was going to be there?), he limped his way out of the bathroom and paused.

“Do you ever knock, bruv?” Eggsy looked at Merlin, who was standing near the door, his eyebrows (and now eyes) raised towards the ceiling.

“I did,” Merlin said to the ceiling.

Eggsy rolled his eyes. He didn’t care if Merlin saw him naked. Yeah, he fancied him. Fancied Merlin quite a bit, actually. But the way Eggsy’s body was banging around, even after the nice long soak - fancying anyone was one of the last things he wanted to think about. Even if Merlin did look ridiculously sexy in that jumper of his.

He managed his boxers first, then the sweatpants. They clung a bit to his legs, where he hadn’t fully gotten the water off, but it would do. Ignoring Merlin, he went into the small kitchenette and fetched the kitchen scissors, cutting the bag off of his cast and tossing it in the trash. He’d talk to medical in the morning.

“Can I help you with something?” Eggsy asked cooly, his voice probably more brusque than it should have been to both his boss and the man who had recently saved his life, but he was tired as fuck and if Merlin wanted to take offense, he could shove it. He didn’t look at Merlin, instead limping back towards the bed. He sat on it, rolling up his pajama leg and carefully sliding his foot back into the boot and strapping it back on. Not a pleasant feeling, but he could deal.

“You refused pain meds.” Merlin’s voice was quiet, but in an authoritative sort of way.

Eggsy sighed internally; sighing for real hurt too much. He didn’t answer, instead looking down at the shirt with a creased brow. Maybe he would just run around shirtless for a while. He could deal with that tomorrow.

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was stern.

Eggsy turned to look at him. Merlin looked...well, good. He was dressed back in his jumper and slacks, but there were the faint purple smudges under his eyes that spoke of exhaustion, of him going through the same thing Eggsy had. His glasses were slightly crooked on his face, something Eggsy found oddly endearing. His legs were as long as they ever were, and his arms were crossed over his chest. He even met Eggsy’s eyes now, probably since he had pants on. Eggsy studied him a bit closer. There was a hint of pink on his cheeks.

Huh. Eggsy would’ve raised his eyebrows if the mere thought of it didn’t hurt.

“Morvydd said he would leave you paracetamol.” Merlin’s eyes flickered towards the bathroom.

“Yup.” Eggsy sank onto the bed, wincing as it jolted his ribs. Fuck, the next few weeks were going to suck. Even the bath had only helped so much.

Merlin narrowed his eyes.

Eggsy just looked back at him. He was too tired to be afraid, too tired to worry about ticking Merlin off. Even when he had no idea where he stood with Kingsman itself. Was he a Knight? Was he something else? They were taking care of his medical, so obviously they weren’t throwing him out on his arse, but.

“Did you take the paracetamol?” Merlin asked.

“Yup.” Eggsy flashed him a smile, but it faded quickly from his face. His body felt like it was weighed down by stones, and for all that the ache had eased up some, it still hurt. “Look, do you need something?” He sounded as polite as he could, but he could hear exhaustion in his voice. “I’m bloody tired.” He waved his good hand towards the bed. Where was his sling? Stupid thing. His arm was so heavy.

“We found Gwaine and Tristan headless.” Merlin’s voice was tight.

Eggsy blanched. “Shit. I’m sorry, bruv.”

There was a crinkle of amusement at the corner of Merlin’s eyes, but he didn’t correct Eggsy. “I’m appointing you to the Gwaine position.”

Eggsy blinked at him, not able to entirely absorb the impact of the news in his current state. “Huh.”

Merlin arched an eyebrow, but his gaze was assessing.

“What about Harry?” Eggsy’s heart clenched at the words, and yeah, they sounded more broken than he wanted them to, but there was only so much he could hide when he was this far beaten down.

“There’s a team heading to Kentucky now,” Merlin said. “We’ll know more in a couple hours.”

Eggsy hummed. It didn’t hurt quite as bad as he thought it would. That was nice.

“You didn’t take the paracetamol, did you.” There wasn’t a question in Merlin’s voice.

Eggsy considered lying, then gave a half-shrug, biting his lip when it hurt. “Not a big fan of pills.”

Merlin’s brow creased, like he was trying to puzzle Eggsy out. “They could have given you a shot -”

“Not a big fan of needles, either.” Which wasn’t entirely the truth. But hell if he was going to tell Merlin that.

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s tone was proper stern now, the type he used in training.

“I’m fine,” Eggsy said, his voice more of a snarl than he would have liked. “Don’t you have other things better t’do than checking up on me?”

“No.” Merlin raised both of his eyebrows, no-nonsense. “It’s part of my duties to check up on Knights who have been suspended from field work to ensure they are following Medical’s advice.”

“Bullshit,” Eggsy muttered, but he kept it quiet enough that Merlin couldn’t hear. Or so he hoped.

By the way the corner of Merlin’s lips tugged up, he definitely heard, but was more amused than anything. Merlin’s eyes flickered away, then back to Eggsy, like he was trying to think of what to say next. He cleared his throat. “If there’s anything you need to talk about, lad, my office is always open.”

Eggsy looked at him, caught off guard. It wasn’t what he had expected. He wasn’t certain where that offer came from, or what it meant. But given he was stuck recovering and convalescing around the bloody Mansion for the foreseeable future, it’d give him at least something to do. He was certain once the exhaustion wore off, things weren’t going to get much better. The last thing he needed was time to think.

He held Merlin’s eyes, longer than he had intended. They were hazel, warm brown with flickers of green and gold. Even when he had his stern voice on, there was a warmth there that wrapped around Eggsy like a blanket.

Merlin was the one who broke, clearing his throat again and looking away. “Goodnight, Eggsy.”

“Night, Merlin.” Eggsy watched him go. It should have surprised him that Merlin had access to the rooms, but it really didn’t. He was Merlin, he probably had access to the whole bloody mansion.

When the door closed behind him, Eggsy let out a long breath, hunching his shoulders even if it hurt. Three months for his fucking wrist bone. His ribs were four to eight weeks. Leg was probably six of those weeks. He was a fucking mess. Part of him thought of the paracetamol in the bathroom, thought longingly of an escape from at least some of the pain. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth the risk of it setting off a chain reaction, of losing everything he had worked so hard for.

He set his jaw, then focused on easing himself onto the bed, letting out a small grunt as his head finally hit the pillow. God his ribs hurt. His whole body hurt. But he could worry about that tomorrow.

Eggsy closed his eyes, and was quickly asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worry-wart Merlin amuses me.

Merlin sat in his lab, a mission feed up on the screen. Percival was out in Norway, Lancelot was leaving in the morning - in six hours, if his clock was correct. Percival was probably their most experienced agent remaining, and fairly hands off. Merlin was mostly there to assist if needed. He didn’t mind; it gave him a chance to catch up with his paperwork.

Based on the emergency protocols, he was the new Arthur. At least for now. That wasn’t a responsibility he wanted or needed, long-term. Especially not as he sat there, filling out the leave paperwork for the new Gwaine. Eggsy.

Roxy had come to him first, hesitant but concerned. She hadn’t seen all of the footage from Valentine’s bunker, but she had heard enough to know it was bad, and she was worried Eggsy was punishing himself. Then Morvydd had called, concerned about the same thing. It wasn’t like someone in that situation to refuse painkillers of any kind.

It also wasn’t the best for Eggsy’s medical care. Between the broken ribs and the broken wrist/ankle, the pain wasn’t only present, it would limit his mobility. Not being able to breathe deeply increased the risk of pneumonia. Pushing his wrist/ankle because he could, or even gentling them too much, ran the risk of hurting his tendons when the casts came off and he needed to regain full mobility.

Hesitating less than a tenth of a second, Merlin pulled up Eggsy’s medical records from training. Medical treated them, yes, but Merlin supervised. It had required broadening a lot of his skills from medical school, but it had been an interesting challenge. He skimmed the list, eyes narrowing. A few minor injuries. Sprains, a few cuts that ended up with glue instead of stitches. He clicked open the doctor’s notes. Eggsy had refused stitches, refused lidocaine.

Merlin bit the tip of his thumb, thinking. He pulled up the rest of Eggsy’s profile. It didn’t count as a flagrant violation of privacy since he was Eggsy’s boss. Merlin didn’t entirely agree with that, but it was his job to make sure his Knights were safe, and if it meant digging into records he shouldn’t, he would do it.

He scrolled to the criminal history. Eggsy wasn’t their first applicant with something in his background; if anything, it indicated a breadth of skill set that the posh kids rarely had. Possession of a controlled substance, with intent to distribute. A couple of similar crimes. Hijacking, breaking and entering. Minor things.

It was the drugs that interested him. He was the one who had done the deep background on Eggsy, looked into his family as well, prior to his continuation of Kingsman training. Harry had even been kind enough to give him the recording he had from the house of Dean threatening him, something that made Merlin’s blood boil. Michelle, the mother, had a documented history of issues with alcohol. Not through the police, but through entrances into rehab, occasional support group attendance. Those had pretty much ceased approximately three years after Dean had entered her life.

Dean, who had his own issues.  _ Cockwomble _ . Low-life, petty thief. Someone who started drinking at eleven in the morning, when he could get away with it, and lived off of what he could get Michelle to make at the convenience shop she worked at. When she worked. Merlin didn’t have conclusive proof, couldn’t tie the pieces together, but he bet that Dean was getting money by trading in things he stole, or by trading favors that were illegal.

Merlin leaned back in his chair, tapping his long fingers together. It was a thin line to cross, intervening in this case. Not just because of the fact he was Eggsy’s boss, but if he was very unlucky, it would delve into his feelings for the lad. Not that anyone knew about those - Merlin kept his personal life under wraps; Harry was the only one who had met his last boyfriend.

Harry. Merlin rubbed his fingers across his forehead, minimizing Eggsy’s information and pulling up the last report from Lynette, who was the one responsible for recovering Harry’s body. Lynette was one of their security staff, one who oversaw the teams that worked in tandem with the Knights. She had landed in Kentucky, found no sign of Harry’s body. Instead she was checking local morgues, local hospitals, in the off chance that Harry had survived.

Merlin’s eyes flickered to the clock. It had been almost two hours, so Lynette was due to report soon. He checked on Percival, who was working on drilling his way into a safe, as content as could be. Security hadn’t been notified, nothing was going against the plan, so he shifted that to another window and opened what counted as a browser.

If Eggsy wasn’t going to take painkillers, his recovery was going to be painful. Even though Eggsy’s expression indicated he had likely dealt with something like that before, Merlin absolutely refused to see Eggsy go through his recovery without anything. Even if he wouldn’t take meds, surely there were other things Merlin could do.

And yeah, part of it was because he cared for Eggsy, a lot more than a mentor-figure should have. But it didn’t matter. Eggsy was his employee, and beyond that, he was half his age. Merlin was a lot of things, but he wasn’t selfish. He wasn’t going to attempt to stick Eggsy with someone older than his father. No, he would stand in the background, ensure that Eggsy got the best chance that he could. If it broke his heart - well, that was something Merlin was used to.

He spent the next hour or so alternating searching for potential remedies with keeping an eye on Percival and the other Knights as they woke and started moving around the mansion. It was fairly easy to make a list of the basics - ice pack, heating pad, some weird guided imagery things that theoretically would help. Arnica gel, a few other things the Internet suggested. He even grabbed some chamomile tea. Sleeping when you were in pain was a bitch.

One of his techs would have the supplies in an hour. Then Merlin could figure out what the heck he was going to do with them. “Bugger,” Merlin muttered to himself. He was an eejit. Could he have been even more obvious, with his affection for Eggsy? It certainly wasn’t going to help.

A blinking icon in the top right corner of his glasses distracted him. He leaned back, blinking twice to activate the channel. It was Lynette. “Yes?” Merlin asked, searching for a pad and paper in case he needed it. Yes, he loved everything tech, but sometimes a pad and pencil was safer.

“We found him,” Lynette said, her voice slightly garbled. She was probably somewhere rural, given the crackle he heard. Was that a good or a bad sign? “He’s at a hospital in rural Kentucky. He’s alive.”

Merlin blinked, then blinked again, thankful that his glasses didn’t take anything from it. It wasn’t often he was that surprised. “Alive?”

“Still unconscious,” Lynette amended. “But the bullet apparently grazed his skull. They’ve removed part of it, and are waiting for the swelling to come down before they assess the rest of the damage.”

“Can he be moved?” Merlin pulled up a roster, trying to sort out the earliest he could put together a medical team.

“Probably not for another month or more.” Lynette’s voice was an apology. “It’s a long flight, and he’s not nearly stable enough.”

Shite. “Thanks, Lynette.”

“Any time, Merlin.” She paused. “We’ll need a fake identity to keep accessing his records. Caradoc hacked in, but doing so too often would arouse suspicion.”

“I’ll get you one.” Merlin jotted it down, then pulled up the requisite programs. “I’ll send it to a secure box close to your location.”

“Fab.” Lynette let out a heavy sigh. “He looks like shit,” she said frankly.

Merlin winced. He could imagine. He was the one who had watched over Harry in his coma, a few short months ago. “Keep me updated if you hear anything else.”

“Will do.” A soft blip signaled the end of the call, and Merlin let out a heavy sigh. He rubbed a hand over the crown of his head, feeling the way the skin moved underneath his fingers. He was mostly glad he didn’t have hair to pull out, at times like these.

Harry was alive. Harry was  _ alive _ . Merlin could still vividly see the church in his mind’s eye, see Harry whirling around like the nightmare he was. Merlin had seen a lot in his time at Kingsman, and that definitely ranked top five in the list of things that would haunt him for years. He pulled off his glasses so he could rub his forehead, trying to ease some of the tension he felt building there.

That was the worst thing about staying at the computer so much. His neck would tense first, then his shoulders, and then he’d get a tension headache that wouldn’t go away for love nor money. Even a massage barely touched it, and that was provided that Merlin was desperate enough that he was willing to allow someone to touch him.

He rolled his neck, hearing it crack. The hissing of the door caught him off guard, and he turned to look. It was Eggsy, who had somehow managed to put a shirt on. His arm was in the sling, the light green cast barely visible. He had the bulky walking boot on his left leg, and limped a little as he entered, as if he wasn’t quite used to navigating the world yet with his new accessories.

Eggsy didn’t speak, just looked around. Merlin inclined his head to the smaller workstation. He had taken the office over, but it had originally been for more than one worker. It still held a few other workstations.

With a grateful nod, Eggsy went over to the closest chair and sank down into it without any of his discomfort showing on his face. Merlin studied him. There were blue-purple smudges under Eggsy’s eyes, his lips twisted until they were thin. There were small lines on his forehead where his brow was wrinkled, as if he was having to focus hard.

Then Eggsy took a deep breath and his face smoothed out. Merlin hid a frown; that had to have hurt. His gaze flickered to the clock. If Eggsy had been asleep since Merlin had left him, he had gotten about six hours of sleep. He doubted that was enough, especially after the prior 24 hours. So much had happened in a day, in two days. The world hadn’t completely gone to shit, but Valentine had done more damage than Merlin would have hoped.

“Harry’s alive,” Merlin said, watching Eggsy’s expression for a reaction.

His brow creased, then smoothed out again, but his eyes were dark and light at the same time. “What?”

“Lynette - one of my workers - found him at a hospital in Kentucky. He’s comatose, but he’s alive.” Merlin glanced at his computer. “I’m waiting on the medical records.”

“He’s coming here, yeah?” Slowly, gingerly, Eggsy leaned back in the chair. He grimaced, sat back up and then scooted back a couple of times until his back was a straight rod against the supportive back of the chair.

“He’ll need a few months of supportive care before he’s strong enough,” Merlin said. “We’ll know more when we get his records.”

Eggsy let out a sigh of relief. His face was still at war. Merlin wished he could read him, understand the language his expressions were written in, but he couldn’t. Not because he hadn’t spent enough time with him - he had - but because Eggsy was the master of showing one thing and feeling something else. Which was good, for his job. Bad for his health. There were some times Eggsy was carefree and open, honest and unabashed. Merlin never lo - ador - no, he wasn’t going to use those words.

When he was like that, Eggsy was irresistible. The quiet Eggsy was more dangerous. The Eggsy where smiles felt like they were glued on, where his eyes said one thing and his body another, and Merlin had no idea which one, if any, was the truth.

“How are you doing?” Merlin looked at Eggsy out of the corner of his eyes, as if it would make the question less intimidating. He saw surprise flash over Eggsy’s face, saw him blink, saw a smile tug at the corner of his mouth.

“Hurts like hell,” he said, seeming to mull the words over. “Can’t sleep.”

Merlin considered what he was going to say next. “Do you have anything you do to help?”

Eggsy shifted slightly, like he wasn’t certain what to say. “Sort of.”

Merlin turned to look at him, eyes careful but expectant. He didn’t want to pressure him, didn’t want to put him on the spot. But if there was something that did or didn’t work, it would be helpful to know now, before he left it in Eggsy’s bedroom or where he could find it.

Eggsy’s smile was lopsided. “I’m fine, I promise.”

Merlin made a doubtful noise, but he let the subject drop and turned back to his work.

They sat like that for a while, Merlin supervising Percival and Eggsy hanging out in his chair, not speaking. For all that Merlin was prepared for it to be awkward, it actually wasn’t. Eggsy was just there in that way that he was, a pleasant distraction at the edge of Merlin’s senses. When Merlin risked a glance at him, he saw that Eggsy’s eyes were closed, his breathing steady. Had he actually fallen asleep like that?

Merlin’s office chairs were comfy, but he didn’t think they were that comfy. Still, he typed as quietly as he could, even spoke quieter. When Dindrane sent a message that she had the supplies, Merlin told her to put them in the cupboard in the spare room he used as a bedroom. He would go and get them once Eggsy had left. He didn’t want to risk overstepping.

Eggsy made a noise, a pained one, and Merlin spun to look at him. There was a crease of pain on his face, and he ever-so-gingerly turned his head from the left to the right, shifting in the chair before his face smoothed out and he was quiet again.

It was hard to resist looking at him. Even as banged up as he was, Eggsy was ridiculously gorgeous. Obscenely so, in Merlin’s opinion. His sweatpants were long, one leg stretched over the walking boot. He was wearing a plain cotton t-shirt, which fit him loosely but still close enough that Merlin could see some of the muscle definition that he knew was there. Both were a bit too big, probably to accommodate the casts, but they made Eggsy look even smaller and more vulnerable.

Eggsy was a bit more solid than Merlin was, broader in the chest if not in the shoulders. It was hard to see, sometimes, with the way Eggsy held himself. He always seemed so diminutive, like he was hard to see a lot of. It was useful on certain missions. Eggsy had become a master of blending in, of getting through a crowd without anyone remembering him because he looked so much like other people.

He was very good at wearing masks. But apparently shit at taking care of himself.

Not that it was a surprise, not in the truest sense. Merlin had seen it throughout his training, Eggsy looking after everyone but himself. Whether it was encouraging Roxy, not leaving JB behind, or taking Charlie down a peg or two because he was a wanker, Eggsy looked after those he cared about.

Merlin let out a sigh, then made a decision. He stood, his footfalls near silent, as he headed out of his lab towards the room that served as his bedroom. It wasn’t far from his lab, and biometrically secured to his prints, just like the spare rooms were. Merlin just didn’t like sleeping too far from his lab, just in case he was needed. The Knights could handle a decent amount on their own, but Merlin still worried.

He pulled down the bag Dindrane had left, set it on the bed and poked through its contents. Settled on two items - the ice pack, and the arnica gel. It was easy enough to ignore the nerves that prickled at him as he tucked the items underneath his arm and returned to his lab. It wasn’t overstepping his boundaries. He was simply being an extension of medical.

Yeah, Merlin really needed better excuses.

The door to his lab hissed open, and when Merlin got inside he saw Eggsy’s eyes flutter open, saw him stifle a yawn. He looked at Merlin, confusion flickering on his face.

Merlin was...well, Merlin. He wasn’t self conscious or shy, and beating around the bush would do absolutely nothing at all. So instead he walked over to Eggsy’s workstation and put the ice pack and the arnica gel on top of it. Eggsy looked at it, and then at him, blinked.

“The ice packs are auto-cooling, so just shake them and they’ll activate. Ice your ribs for ten or twenty minutes. It’ll help with inflammation.” Merlin raised his eyebrows at Eggsy, who was now looking at him with something akin to amusement in his eyes. “The tube is arnica gel. It’s herb-based, nothing medical. Put it on your bruises, it should help with the pain.”

Eggsy studied him in silence for a few seconds, as if he was assessing Merlin and his motivations.

Merlin just stared back, no-nonsense. Exactly who he was.

“Ta,” Eggsy said, his voice rougher than it had been. It was pain-fatigued, and it made Merlin wince in sympathy. Still, Eggsy picked up one of the ice packs and went to shake it, then bit his lip, eyes stony.

Shit. Merlin hadn’t thought about that. “Here.” He moved closer, extending a hand for it. Not taking it, letting Eggsy offer it.

Eggsy did, his fingers brushing Merlin’s and lingering a beat too long.

Merlin turned his attention deliberately to the cloth-covered ice pack in his hands, crinkling it up until he could feel it start to chill. When he glanced down at Eggsy, Eggsy was watching his hands. His fingers. Merlin cleared his throat, and Eggsy’s attention snapped back to his face. “Here.” Merlin gave it back. If he dallied a bit, well, Eggsy didn’t complain.

He cleared his throat again, because fucking hell, what the fuck was he doing? “Use the arnica gel after you’ve iced it,” he advised.

Eggsy’s smile was tired but genuine. “Thanks, Merlin.”

Merlin waved a hand at him and settled back at his workstation, pleased to find that Percival had completed gathering the intel and was now sauntering his way to the extraction point. Show off. “Can’t have a new agent falling to pieces already.” When he glanced back at Eggsy, there was something in his eyes that Merlin didn’t like, but it faded as quick as it had come and Merlin turned his attention back to his work.

He could deal with his entirely inappropriate crush on Eggsy later.

**

Whether the ice worked because it numbed his skin, or because it was actually reducing inflammation, Eggsy didn’t know and didn’t particularly care. It was easy enough to lean back in the chair, tilting it backwards and putting a hand over the ice pack and holding it against where the pain was worst.

His eyes drifted closed, and he didn’t fight them. It wasn’t his greatest decision, really, coming to Merlin’s lab. But he trusted Merlin, trusted him implicitly, and he felt safer there. Then Merlin had showed up with the ice pack and the arnica and Eggsy might have fallen a bit further in love with him on the spot.

Because yeah, he fuckin’ hated that word, but he wasn’t stupid. Lust didn’t make you want to spend time with someone, content to just sit around and watch them do whatever they were doing. It didn’t make you smile when you heard the crow in their voice, when you had done something and they were happy for you. So yeah, Eggsy wanted to jump Merlin’s bones. But it was more than that.

Which was irrelevant, really, because Merlin was...well, Merlin, and Eggsy was Eggsy, and not only was there a class and an age gap, but Merlin was his boss.

Even if Merlin had sort of lingered and touched Eggsy’s hands a bit too long, like he didn’t want to let go. Like he was savoring the small bits of touch. It was definitely in Eggsy’s imagination, he was certain.

He hoped.

It was easy enough to doze off, exhaustion pulling at the corner of his mind, threatening to tip him into sleep whenever he was comfortable enough. And Merlin’s office was one of those spots he did feel comfortable.

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s warm voice caught him off guard, and Eggsy blinked his way back to awareness, trying to sit up before he realized what a bad idea that was. Pain lanced through his chest, some of it dulling because of the ice pack, but still enough to leave him winded. “Been twenty minutes. Should probably take the ice pack off your chest.”

“Ta,” Eggsy said without thinking about it, out of routine habit. He used his good arm and picked it up, tossing it onto the work station with a satisfying whoosh. He yawned, using his good hand to cover his mouth and pretend he had manners. Oh. That reminded him. “Thanks for the phone,” he said. “Rox gave it to me.”

Merlin turned to look at him, his face solemn. But there was a hint of warmth in his eyes, the faintest tug at the corner of his lips. It was an expression Eggsy would have called  _ fond _ , if he had been forced to give it a name. “You’re welcome.” He paused, as if he wasn’t certain if he could continue. “I assume you called your family?”

Eggsy looked away, cursing the instinct that caused it. It was a sign of deflection, a sign of lying. Of shame, almost, in the way his eyes went downcast. He coughed politely, regretted it as soon as he did it. “Fuck,” he muttered, the epithet doing little to calm his ribs.

Merlin’s expression had morphed to concern now. Eggsy looked at him out of the corner of his eyes, considering. No, he was imagining things. Merlin was his trainer, his mentor. That’s where the concern and caring came from. Not from anything else.

Eggsy put a hand on his ribs, the cold leeching into his skin even through the fabric of his shirt. “Yeah, I talked to Mum.”

Merlin looked at him for a moment longer, then nodded, as if he’d decided not to ask for anything more.

Eggsy was grateful. He was certain Merlin knew more than he thought, given that Merlin was his boss and who knew what sort of background checks Kingsman did on him. But Merlin didn’t push. “What about you?”

Merlin looked at him, a question on his face.

“Do you have a family?” It was strange in a way how little he knew about Merlin outside of Kingsman. Even beyond training Eggsy had spent a lot of time with him, but the majority of the conversations had been work-related. Though to be fair, Merlin seemed to do nothing but work. No matter what time it was, he could count on finding Merlin in his office.

“Aye,” Merlin said, leaning back in his chair and swiveling to face Eggsy. “Mum and Da up in Scotland still. Two sisters, both married. One’s in Scotland, one moved to Redbridge.”

Eggsy tried not to let his thoughts show. “No one else?”

There was a hint of amusement in Merlin’s eyes, something else that Eggsy couldn’t quite place. Merlin gestured to his desk, and Eggsy temporarily got sidetracked by how gorgeous his hands were. There were quite a lot of things he wanted to do to those hands, and for those hands to do to him. “Not much time for that, with this job.”

“Oh.” That made sense. Eggsy worried the hem of his shirt with his fingers, distracted. Was it a lack of interest? God, he didn’t even know if Merlin was interested in men.

Not that it mattered, he reminded himself firmly.

“Anyone aside your Mum and Daisy?” Merlin asked casually, as if he didn’t know the answer to that question because Eggsy had just spent the past year living in a mansion in the middle of nowhere.

“Well, there was that fling with Charlie…”

The way Merlin’s eyebrows shot up was so worth it. Eggsy laughed, his hand bracing his ribs. “Nah. Just me.”

Merlin hummed thoughtfully, then turned back to his desk, leaving Eggsy sitting there, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. His mind was spinning in a way that wasn’t entirely unpleasant, hope welling up dangerously inside him.

“You should use the gel,” Merlin said.

“What?” Eggsy’s mind dragged itself away from where it had been conducting an in-depth study on the slope of Merlin’s shoulders and the width of his back through his jumper, back towards the man himself.

“The arnica.” Merlin was typing something now, his brow furrowed as he regarded something on the screen.

“Oh.” Eggsy gingerly picked up the tube from where it sat on the desk, turned it over. It wasn’t like pills, or drugs, but it still made Eggsy uneasy. But he didn’t have to take anything, just put it on his bruises, and if it made things worse, triggered any cravings, he could dispose of it and Merlin didn’t have to know.

“You can use the loo over there.” Merlin lifted a hand to point to a door Eggsy hadn’t noticed. “Just touch the door, it’s keyed to your fingerprints.”

Eggsy blinked. “What?” He felt like he was doing a lot of that, around Merlin.

“You should probably remove your shirt to apply the gel,” Merlin said. He didn’t look at Eggsy, but his shoulders shifted back, and he straightened his posture almost unconsciously.

“Do you have a no shirtlessness policy in your office?” Eggsy asked, not certain why it mattered.

Merlin’s eyes did flicker to him for that. “No, but I assumed you would prefer privacy.”

“Bruv, you were in my room when I came out naked. Privacy ain’t a thing anymore.” And okay, if Eggsy sort of wanted to see what Merlin would do if Eggsy was shirtless, it wasn’t anything he was going to admit out loud.

Merlin’s fingers stopped on his keyboard, as if he was trying to figure out how to respond to that, then continued, as if he decided that was his acknowledgment.

Eggsy wasn’t looking forward to removing his shirt, not really. And in all honesty, once it was off, it would stay off unless Merlin wanted to help put it back on.

Yeah he stopped that train of thought. It’d be even more obvious if he got a hard-on in his sweat pants. Especially only a few feet away from him.

He inhaled sharply as he straightened up, careful to keep his torso as still as he could. He started with his good hand, easing his casted arm out of the shirt. That was the best advantage of a shirt a size too big. It was big enough to be comfortable, and easier to get off. Once his casted arm was free, he shoved the shirt up to his neck and slowly removed it.

It wasn’t that bad, all things considered. Yeah, it hurt, but less than it had when he’d put it on earlier. He glanced over at the ice packs. He was gonna have to keep those. Reaching out to pick up the gel, he glanced over at Merlin, who quickly resumed typing.

Eggsy hid a smile. Merlin was paying attention, then. 

He flipped the top of the arnica bottle open, took a cautious sniff. It didn’t smell clinical. It was somewhat reassuring, that way.

“It’s not going to bite you.” Merlin’s voice caught him off guard, and when Eggsy lifted his head to look at him, Merlin had half-turned in his chair to face him.

He toyed with the idea of making it a show, but in all honesty, he was a bit too tired for that. Not that it eliminated all teasing, though. There was something decidedly not platonic in Merlin’s eyes, even if there was a healthy dose of restraint.

Dabbing some gel on the fingers of his good hand, he started with the bruises on his abdomen that he could see. They were blue-purple now, blossoming up under his skin like a constellation. The bath had turned them darker, more purple, but they had faded some now. The gel was cool against his skin, and he was gentle, careful, as he rubbed it in.

He closed his eyes briefly, his hand against his middle. He was up to the bruises that scattered his ribs, and could pinpoint which ones were broken by the flares of pain they caused. Part of him wanted to linger, set the flares off and give him something to focus on. It concentrated the pain down to that one small spot, instead of the full-body ache that threatened to consume him.

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was a rumble.

Eggsy opened his eyes, looked at him. Saw concern in Merlin’s eyes, how Merlin was facing him fully now. Eggsy looked down, saw his fingers pushing into one of his ribs, saw the way his body had tensed up at the pain as if it was someone else’s.

Merlin cleared his throat, something warring in his face. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Eggsy blinked at him, fatigue making him slow. “What?”

“What happened in the bunker.” Merlin studied him intently, as if Eggsy was under a microscope.

Eggsy looked away, worried at his bottom lip. Was that what Merlin thought it was, that he was punishing himself over what had happened, how many people he killed? And yeah, he wasn’t going to be dumb enough to admit that wasn’t part of it. So many families had lost someone because of what he did. But it wasn’t the main reason.

The main reason wasn’t anything he was going to mention. Surely Merlin was obligated to report it to someone, take some action, and Eggsy sure as hell wasn’t going to give him the opportunity.

“May I?”

Eggsy blinked, tensing when he turned back and realized Merlin had scooted closer to him, was only a foot or so away. “What?” His voice was strangled.

“You can’t reach the bruises on your back. I’ll get them for you.” Merlin’s voice was steady, and when Eggsy looked at him, really looked, his face was compassionate but still.

Eggsy couldn’t tell if there was anything underneath it. But hell if he was going to pass up the opportunity for Merlin to touch him. “Just be careful, yeah?”

Merlin snorted, as if the thought of not being so was ridiculous. He gently took the tube from Eggsy’s hand, and Eggsy had to fight hard to not think about what would happen if that tube was something else. Like lube. And instead of Merlin doctoring him, he was prepping him to -

Shit, Merlin was about to touch him and that’s where Eggsy’s brain was going. There was no way to cross his legs, no way to hide. Instead he straightened up slightly, thought of things that would distract him. Like fish. And toast. But then his brain decided to wonder if Merlin ate toast for breakfast.

Then Merlin’s fingers were on him, cool and wet, and Eggsy tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. He wasn’t going to test it and find out, but he had a feeling he was going to regret it if it looked either at Merlin or at Merlin’s hands on him.

Still, he could feel the tender, cool glide of Merlin’s fingers across the bruises on his ribs, the gun calluses of his fingers catching occasionally against Eggsy’s slick skin.

Oh shit. That wasn’t helping. He bit back a frustrated noise, aware of his nipples pebbling and the way his breath was threatening to catch in his throat. The way his pulse was starting to race. The ceiling wasn’t that interesting, and there was no way that Merlin hadn’t noticed.

Yet Merlin said nothing, just continuing on his work, treating Eggsy as if he was something precious, that deserved to be treated with care. Eggsy would’ve been lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it, even outside of it being Merlin. There was so few people in his life that had treated him that way.

Not that he thought Merlin would, if he knew what Eggsy was hiding, but that was a problem for later-Eggsy. Now-Eggsy was going to keep his mouth shut and enjoy what was being given.

“Going to do your back, now,” Merlin said, his voice rougher.

Yeah it was doing something for him, too. Eggsy merely nodded, then stood gingerly, turning so he didn’t have to face Merlin. He did catch a glimpse of his face, though, the way his lips were pressed together as if both concentrated and distracted, the way his eyes were on Eggsy’s body, not his face.

It sent sparks down his spine, let heat coil in his middle. There was a catch in Merlin’s breath, and then his long, slick fingers were on Eggsy’s back, smoothing down his spine and flaring out to smear the gel into the bruises dotting his back and shoulder blades.

Merlin’s fingers were lingering, too, probably a bit longer than was necessary to work the gel into his skin. Not that Eggsy was complaining. Far from it. Merlin’s hands were gentle enough that the bursts of ache under his skin were mild and brought more pleasure than pain, along with the simple joy of having someone he felt something about touching him like he cared.

Even if it was an illusion, it was an illusion Eggsy was going to let himself indulge in for a few moments.

“Your shoulders are tight,” Merlin said, almost as if he hadn’t meant to. His hands had made their way up Eggsy’s back, pausing briefly for more gel before he smoothed it over Eggsy’s scapula and up towards his shoulder.

“Broken ribs do that, bruv,” Eggsy said, tilting his head slightly to the side when Merlin’s fingers brushed a bruise near the base of his neck. He didn’t miss when Merlin’s movements stuttered, and the way Merlin’s finger moved against the crook of his neck could almost be called a caress.

Then Merlin’s hands were leaving his body, and Eggsy could hear him sit down, cough politely to clear his throat. “You’ll want to leave your shirt off for a mo until it dries,” Merlin said.

Eggsy turned to smile at him. “Thanks, Merlin. You’re the guv’nor.”

A hint of a smile tugged at Merlin’s lips, but there was something more complicated there, too. He was at war with himself, and Eggsy wasn’t sure what it was over. Carefully Eggsy shifted his body, pleased to feel his ribs complain slightly less. It didn’t trigger any cravings, any desire to escape through whatever means he could find.

Maybe it would be okay. Maybe it was something he could add to his repertoire in the future, because as a Kingsman there was definitely more times he would be injured.

“You’re welcome,” Merlin said, and it took Eggsy a second to remember what he was responding to. Eggsy smiled warmly at him, even though Merlin couldn’t see him.

“Gonna go call my Mum,” Eggsy said, fishing his phone out from his sweatpants pocket. “Can I leave my shirt here?”

“That’s fine,” Merlin said almost distractedly, his attention clearly sidetracked by whatever was on the screen. From what Eggsy could see, it seemed to be the beginning of Harry’s medical records. He would come and look at those, stick his nose in that, once he’d checked on his Mom. And Daisy.

He really did mean to babysit later that week, no matter what he looked like. Even if it was just getting Daisy out of there for a few hours.

Eggsy didn’t realize his eyes had closed until he opened them and saw Merlin watching him. Eggsy smiled his bright smile, even though it was fake, and turned and left Merlin’s lab. He wasn’t sure if he should stay, whether it was now or after the phone call. If he stayed, he might talk.

He might tell Merlin all the secrets he’d been hiding, everything he was afraid that Roxy or Harry would find out, because there was no way they would look at him the same. And Merlin - Merlin he was afraid of the most, afraid of what would happen when the caring warmth in his eyes shifted to disgust.

Not that Eggsy was ashamed. Yeah, it wasn’t the best things he did, but he did what he did to survive and take care of his family, and if anyone wanted to rib him over it, they could jump off a bridge. But it still made him nervous.

He waited until he was out of Merlin’s earshot before he dialed his Mum’s number and put the phone to his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter gets to be the twist that I am excited to introduce...
> 
> Always wanted to write Eggsy as a "parental" figure.


	3. Chapter 3

The moment Eggsy made it outside of Kingsman’s surveillance, he took the walking boot off and tucked it under his arm. He put his other shoe on, a casual pair of trainers. It was easier to blend in back at the Estates if he wasn’t dressed like a Kingsman. It would also be easier if he didn’t look as injured as he was. The cast was easy to get away with. Both that and the boot was too much.

Besides, it didn’t hurt too much. He tested his weight on the foot a few times, with only the slightest complaint. Maybe the ankle wasn’t really that broken. It was bearable. His ribs hurt worse. While he wasn’t in shape to do sprints or gymnastics, he could handle the walk up to his Mum’s flat.

He knocked on the door, waited. Heard Daisy cry. Eggsy forced himself to take a deep breath, let it out, then knocked again. But there was nothing beyond Daisy’s cries. He closed his eyes, then opened them. After a quick check that no one was watching, he popped a pin out of his well-hidden Kingsman watch and picked the lock, walking inside and closing the door behind him.

His first thought had been that Mum was injured, bleeding out or something on the floor with only Daisy there to witness. But the flat was normal. No blood, just a crying Daisy in her play pack.

Eggsy pasted on a smile, walked over to her and scooped her up, cooing to her. “Don’t cry, lazy Daisy,” he said, bouncing her gently and tickling her to make her giggle.

Daisy leaned forward and pressed a wet kiss to Eggsy’s cheek. “Egg.” She looked at him with those wide, solemn eyes.

“That’s me.” Eggsy leaned in and kissed her. “Let’s get you cleaned up now, yeah?”

Daisy nodded, quieter now. Eggsy walked with her into the kitchen, sat her gently on the counter with a grip around her to keep her stable and to not let her fall over. He used some damp kitchen towel to wipe her cheeks, helped her blow her nose. Grabbed baby wipes and cleaned the rest of her. She was dressed in something new, something Eggsy didn’t recognize, but that didn’t mean much.

“Where’s Mum?” Eggsy asked, keeping his voice warmer as to not let Daisy hear how upset he was. “Did she step out for a bit?”

“Egg sad?” Daisy asked.

Eggsy blinked; when had she started talking in proper sentences? He’d missed so much. He ignored the flare of pain and pressed a loud, smacking kiss to her cheek. “I’m not sad, lazy Daisy.” He kissed the other cheek, just as loud. “I’ve got you.”

She giggled, flapped her hands at him. “Egg egg!”

“Good girl.” Eggsy kissed her again, then hitched her onto his hip, grabbing his phone as he headed towards Daisy’s part of the flat. He dialed Mum, sticking it to his ear while he cooed to Daisy, gathering some of her toys.

The mobile rang, and rang, with no answer.

Eggsy tried again, and again, his irritation getting even harder to hide. Fuck. Daisy didn’t deserve this. How long had she been left on her own? What if something had happened to her, and no one had been there?

“Egg smile!” Daisy poked his cheek, and Eggsy beamed at her, leaned in and kissed her nose.

“Let’s get some toys packed up, yeah?” Eggsy hated how faux-cheerful he sounded. Daisy wasn’t stupid, but she still giggled, believed him. “We’re gonna go on a field trip.”

“Twip?” Daisy frowned, the expression catching Eggsy off guard. Yeah, Daisy wasn’t his, but he had taken care of her since she was born.

“Gonna go to work,” Eggsy promised. “Let’s get some stuff packed.” He went with the biggest bag he could find, ignoring the pain in his arms and the way his ribs were throbbing from carrying Daisy. Medical was going to have a heart attack, but Eggsy couldn’t give even the smallest fuck over it.

He started with clothes and diapers and toys, then baby food, dishes and cups. By the time he finished, he didn’t even want to think about how much the bag weighed, and he was going to carry Daisy on top of it. A stroller was an option, eventually, but he wanted to get her out of the Estates as fast as possible. Who knew who was lurking and would take advantage of Eggsy’s state?

“Where Mum?” Daisy’s voice was quiet.

Eggsy winced internally, leaned down and kissed her. “Mum just went on a little trip, yeah?” He kept his voice bright. “She’ll be back later. We’re gonna go hang out. Just you and me.”

“Egg and me!” Daisy seemed thrilled by this, clapped her hands together and then giggled. “Eggy me.”

“Egg and you.” Eggsy gave her a kiss. “Let’s get you ready to go, miss Daisy.” He dialed Mum again; no answer. It was getting easier to tamp down the anger, even though Eggsy could feel it simmering underneath the surface. Eventually it would burst out, but he didn’t have time for that now.

He tucked his mobile in his pocket, hefted the bag over the shoulder that hurt less. He used his casted arm to hold Daisy, pain shooting through him. There was no way he was going to make it back to Headquarters like that. Not without help.

Taking a deep breath, Eggsy shoved all the pain so far down he couldn’t touch it, grabbing the key from inside and locking the door. Then he shoved the key back through the letterbox and picked Daisy up, heading down the stairs towards the exit. It was hard not to flinch, to stop at every little noise. But Daisy would notice, and the last thing he wanted to do was startle her.

Instead he hummed nursery rhymes to her, and she giggled and clapped along, her arms wrapping around his neck as she settled against him. Although he had wiped away the tear tracks, he could hear her exhaustion in the hitch of her breath, feel it in the way she curled up against him. It hurt, and fuck at that point he would have chopped his arm off just to get the pain to stop. But he didn’t.

Once he made it far enough away from the estates, the pain getting worse with every step, he came to a stop, letting the bag off of his shoulder carefully and easing it down. He leaned against the wall, trying to breathe through the ache that was starting to overwhelm him. Daisy was two and a half now, getting bigger and more talkative. She could have walked, but Eggsy was in no shape to chase after her if she bolted.

Resigning himself to at least one lecture, he tried his Mum one last time, just in case. No answer.

Then he dialed Merlin.

“Eggsy.” Merlin answered the phone, his disapproval clear.

“Bugger off,” Eggsy said shortly, wincing when Daisy sniffled underneath him and shifted. “Look, you can lecture me later. I need your help.”

That seemed to catch Merlin off guard, for he fell silent and sounded almost hesitant when he spoke. “What do you need?”

Eggsy exhaled slowly, closed his eyes. Opened them again, pressing a kiss to Daisy’s head. “I need a taxi.” He gave the address, and Merlin made quick work of it.

“Should I have medical on standby when you get here?” Merlin’s voice was cautious.

“Nah.” That was easy enough to dismiss. He could get checked out later, once he got Daisy taken care of. The chicken part of him just didn’t mention her, worried that if he did, Merlin would refuse to allow her. Which Eggsy would have ignored anyway, but it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission, and all that.

“It will be there in five,” Merlin promised.

“Ta.” Eggsy took a deep breath, then hung the phone up before Merlin could ask more. He didn’t want to admit that his ribs were on fire, that his arm was throbbing and there was a bone-deep ache in his ankle. He didn’t want to think about how far back he had pushed his recovery. How much more damage he had potentially done to himself.

But he would have done it over and over again to take care of his little sister.

His ringtone caught him off guard, and he fought back a wave of anger when his Mum’s number popped up. “Mum?”

“Eggsy!” Her words were slurred. “Eggsy, I miss you.”

Eggsy wished he could put Daisy down, wished she didn’t have to be around this conversation, even if she was asleep. “Mum, where was you? I came to watch Daisy and you wasn’t there.”

He could hear her hesitation, hear faint noises as she walked around wherever she was. “I just stepped out,” Mum said, in such an unconvincing fashion that Eggsy didn’t even bother calling her out on her bullshite.

“Are you back home now?” Eggsy knew the answer.

“Almost,” Mum said. Her voice wobbled. Not like she was going to cry, but like her whole body was shaking. Alcohol? Or had Dean got her into something worse?

Eggsy cleared his throat, hissed when it hurt, feeling Daisy move against him. He bounced her gently, each movement a stab in his chest. “Are you with Dean?”

“He really is a good man,” Mum - no, Michelle - said, pleading in her voice. “Sometimes he just gets angry. He didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Eggsy closed his eyes, not tightening his grip on Daisy no matter how much he wanted to, or giving in to how much he wanted to throw his mobile and smash it to a million pieces. “I’m going to take Daisy with me to the shop for a weekend, yeah?”

“Oh, Eggsy, that’s lovely.” She sounded distracted now. “You and Daisy have fun, love.”

Eggsy hung up without a goodbye, fairly certain she wouldn’t have noticed. Daisy had curled back up against him, breathing steadily, slowly and deeply. Rage threatened to burn Eggsy to a crisp, and he had no way to get it out. Instead it was going to simmer, until it boiled over. But he could deal with that then.

He couldn’t let it happen in front of Daisy.

A taxi slid to a stop in front of him, and he recognized the driver. Lanval was one of Merlin’s support staff who occasionally functioned as a taxi driver. No doubt Merlin had hand-picked him.

It was harder to push himself off the wall than he had expected it to be. His head was starting to spin, and although he still didn’t regret his decision, he wasn’t certain his execution was necessarily correct.

“I’ll get this.” Lanval picked up Daisy’s bag, tucked it in the boot. “Get inside, sir.”

Eggsy stared blearily at the open taxi door, arms carefully around Daisy, before he got inside, biting back a whimper when he jolted whatever it was that hurt the most. He couldn’t keep track of what it was. His ribs? His arm? His ankle? All of them?

It was easy to settle back against the taxi seat, Daisy still securely in his lap. He didn’t have the energy to buckle himself, or do anything but cling tightly to Daisy, keep her against him. It was bad parenting, he knew it, but there were more important things to care about.

Before he realized it, his eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep.

**

Merlin sat in one of the attached medical rooms, the large two-way window allowing him to see Eggsy sleeping on the cot on the other side. Then he turned his attention to his current challenge. Two-and-a-half year old Daisy Unwin, who was standing in a corner staring at him with wide eyes.

“Egg,” Daisy said, her lower lip wobbling.

Part of Merlin wanted to send out an SOS, find  _ someone _ who knew anything about kids to come by and help. But the selfish bit of him wanted to help Eggsy, without having to push his responsibilities off.

Like Merlin needed another reminder of how fucked he was for the young man. He shoved the thought away.

“Eggsy is resting a bit, lass.” Merlin dropped to his knee, his accent thickening as he tried to lighten up the tone of his voice. “Do you want to go say hi?”

Daisy seemed to consider him, consider his offer, and then stepped forwards, until she was standing just in front of him.

He blinked. She was staring at him intently, the expression so characteristic of Eggsy that it caught him off guard. “Eggy.” She propped her hands on her hips. “Eggy!” she repeated, louder. She reached out and tugged on the arm of his jumper, insistent.

Merlin tried to translate all of that into English. “Do you want to be carried?”

She gave him a look that made him think she thought him dim.

“Okay then.” He straightened up, then bent down and picked her up. She was heavier than she looked, and she wiggled against him until she was settled against his hip, staring straight at him.

How did people deal with children on a regular basis? Merlin was baffled. Yet she wasn’t screaming or throwing things, so surely he was doing something right.

“Eggy now.” Daisy’s voice was petulant now, and her lip wobbled.

“We’ll go see Eggsy now,” Merlin soothed, running a hand up and down her spine. She settled at that, then reached out with one hand and grabbed his glasses.

Merlin opened his mouth and then closed it. How did one scold a child? Scolding them like a recruit definitely wasn’t going to work, and it would most certainly wake Eggsy up and then Eggsy would be mad and that was just not something Merlin wanted to deal with at the moment. He was already contemplating locking Eggsy in a room until he actually took care of his injuries.

And now Merlin was going mad. “Hey, lass.” Merlin gently reached out and plucked the glasses out of her hand. “If you leave them alone, I’ll get you your own pair.” He had no idea where from, but certainly one of his techs could figure it out.

Daisy seemed to think this over, then she nodded, one of her hands fisting itself in Merlin’s jumper.

Merlin ignored the flash of warmth that sent through him; he was babysitting, nothing more. He wasn’t even technically a willing babysitter. He should have been working.

Yet there was no way in hell he was going to hand Daisy over to anyone else until Eggsy was awake. Or even after, if Eggsy needed him. He pushed open the door to Eggsy’s room, kept the light low. It wasn’t a proper hospital room, not technically, but Eggsy had been fitted with a plaster cast for his ankle to match his arm. Apparently medical had realized Eggsy wasn’t really inclined to follow directions. He gave them nearly as much hell as Harry was giving the American hospital.

Merlin carefully shifted Daisy off his hip and into his lap before he sank down in the visitor’s chair, close enough that Daisy could reach out and touch her brother’s hand if she so wanted. “Your brother’s shite at taking care of himself, isn’t he?” Merlin said, then paused. What sort of language was okay for children? Shite was probably not the right word, but it wasn’t like she would -

“Shite?” Daisy blinked at him, then giggled.

\- repeat it. “Shh,” Merlin tried instead. “Eggsy needs some sleep, yeah?”

“Eggy sleep.” Daisy turned and reached forward, gently patting Eggsy’s hand. “Shite.”

Merlin didn’t know what to do about that, so he just looked somewhere else so he didn’t have to watch. Or listen. Otherwise he might do something ridiculous at the sight of Daisy caring for her brother, like smile or blush. No thank you. Merlin was going to cling to his dignity.

“Dais?” Eggsy’s voice was groggy, but it was there.

“Eggy!” Daisy squealed.

“Shh, lass,” Merlin soothed. “Inside voice.” That was a thing parents said, right?

“Eggy, shhhhh.” Daisy held a finger to her lips. “Side voice.” Then she paused. “Shite.”

Eggsy’s eyes opened, then turned to look at Merlin.

Merlin, who did a good imitation of a deer in headlights. “She’s like a sponge,” he said, as something that was sort of an apology but not really. He shrugged.

“She is.” Eggsy sounded amused, even though he sounded hoarse. “Dais, you doing okay?”

“Eggy sleep.” Daisy sounded as reproachful as a toddler could.

Eggsy chuckled, then winced, a hand going to his ribs.

“Medical’s keeping you here for the better part of a week,” Merlin said, no-nonsense.

Eggsy’s eyes were troubled, but the trouble cleared when he looked at Daisy, replaced by something lighter and fake. “Then you can keep me company, can’t you, lazy Daisy?” he teased his sister.

Daisy giggled. “Eggy pany!”

“Close enough.” Eggsy leaned forward enough to kiss her. The pain was starting to line his face, but Merlin knew better than to offer pain meds. He hadn’t even allowed them to administer any while Eggsy was asleep.

He didn’t quite know why, but he was going to respect Eggsy’s wishes. Still, there were some things he needed to talk to Eggsy about that he didn’t want to in front of the tiny human sponge.

“We’ll be right back.” Merlin picked Daisy up again, tickling her experimentally and wincing when she shrieked in happiness and kicked him. He made a note to not do that again whenever his ears (or the rest of him) were anywhere close to her. Leaving Eggsy behind, he stepped out of the medical room and caught sight of Morgana, who had been in charge of Eggsy’s care since he had passed out.

“Can you watch her for a few?” Merlin asked, his attention flickering back to Eggsy’s room. At Morgana’s nod, Merlin turned Daisy slightly on his hip so they were facing each other. “Morgana is going to watch you, you naughty wee lass. Okay?” Questions seemed to work fairly well, so did teasing. Hopefully she understood them.

Daisy seemed to contemplate this seriously.

Morgana reached over, pulled something off a shelf. “I have a book for you to play with.” She held it out to Daisy as if she was offering a sacrifice. “You can color it.” It was an anatomy coloring book, one from a few years ago. Probably hers from school. Merlin shrugged internally. He took the wins where he could get them.

Apparently deciding this was worth it, Daisy tried to squirm out of Merlin’s arms, nearly falling into Morgana’s.

“I’ll be right back,” Merlin said, although he really wasn’t sure if either of them were listening to him. Daisy was already tugging at the book in Morgana’s hands, attention diverted. Morgana procured markers from absolutely nowhere. Merlin beat a hasty retreat to Eggsy’s room.

Eggsy, who had started to doze off a bit, but jolted up when Merlin closed the door. “Where is she?” Eggsy tried to lean forward, winced.

“Morgana’s watching her.” Merlin grabbed the same chair and slid it closer to the side of Eggsy’s bed, sinking into it. He just watched Eggsy for a few moments, watched the way Eggsy stared pointedly at the ceiling. “Eggsy.” Merlin let his voice gentle.

Eggsy set his jaw. “I’m not going to apologize.”

“I’m not asking you to.” That explained quite a bit, in Merlin’s opinion. This was Eggsy setting himself up to be berated, to be scolded. Merlin could imagine Eggsy had dealt with quite a bit of that in his life. He’d watched the scene in the Black Prince through Harry’s glasses, seen what Eggsy dealt with.

Eggsy’s eyes flickered to him, once, twice, and then settled on Merlin. Well, not directly. More like staring over his shoulder. But it was at least in the right direction.

Merlin considered his words, trying to figure out the best way to approach it. Subtly wasn’t one of his strong points; he liked stating what he thought and occasionally allowed himself to indulge in theatrics. “Why is Daisy here?”

“Look, Merlin, I didn’t have a ch -”

“I’m not challenging your decision, Eggsy.” Merlin didn’t let himself lean forward, but he did relax his posture so Eggsy may have felt less like he was being judged. Part of him wanted to reach out and kiss Eggsy senseless, but that really wouldn’t have helped anything so he kept his hands and various body parts to himself. “Answer the question.”

Eggsy sighed, winced. Merlin made a mental note to fetch the arnica gel and ice packs. Eggsy wasn’t going back to his room any time soon. Or was he?

“Mum asked me to babysit, so I dropped by.” Eggsy exhaled slowly, his hand on his ribs.

“Sans walking boot?” That Merlin did judge him for, just a tiny bit.

But then Eggsy looked at him, met his eyes. There was a darkness there, a bleakness that threatened to take Merlin’s breath away. “You can’t show weakness there.” Then that expression passed, morphed back into his usual, calm demeanor, the one that looked like he was about to play a joke on you.

Merlin nodded mutely. He knew academically, theoretically, what it was like to live there, had seen Eggsy’s records, but he had grown up in a much better neighborhood and had no idea what the reality was like living in the Council Estates. Harry had grown up posh, too, but he had at least spent more time working with youth from lower-income areas. Merlin didn’t understand, but he could empathize.

“Mum wasn’t there.” Eggsy lifted his gaze to the ceiling, as if he couldn’t bear to look at Merlin. “Daisy was, though.”

Merlin lifted his chin slightly and leaned back in the chair, crossing one leg over the other. He didn’t speak, letting Eggsy continue.

Eggsy swallowed thickly, Merlin watched the way his throat bobbed. Eggsy’s hands were shaking the tiniest amount on the bed, fingers struggling to stay calm as he curled them into fists the best he could. “Mum - Michelle - didn’t answer her phone.”

It was strange, watching Eggsy get this wound up. Merlin hadn’t seen him so angry over anything since the parachute incident, where Eggsy had accused Merlin of not caring. Given that was the furthest thing from the truth, Merlin had enjoyed reaching over and pulling the cord, watching him stumble back. But this time, there was none of that release, none of the realization that Eggsy was worth more than he thought he was.

“So I packed Daisy up and brought her here.” Eggsy settled his hands in his lap, looking toward his toes now.

There was more to the story, a lot more, but Merlin wasn’t certain how far to push. “Did you get in touch with her?”

Eggsy closed his eyes and then opened them. “Yeah.”

This was the Eggsy that Merlin wasn’t used to seeing. He was open and raw, scraped bare by exhaustion and pain. All of the masks he preferred to wear gone. “I didn’t let them give you any pain meds while you were out.”

Surprise flashed across Eggsy’s face, then a small smile. “Ta, bruv.”

Merlin rolled his eyes, but it was a fond gesture. “You can trust me, you know.”

Eggsy looked down at his hands, and then back at the ceiling. “I know.”

Merlin sat there for a few moments, just watching him. He could see emotions flickering faster across Eggsy’s face than he could read them, a maelstrom of things simmering underneath the surface. There was a lot that wasn’t covered in Eggsy’s records, that was for sure. But Merlin was past the point where he could justify poking into them. Doing so now would be a violation of privacy, even if Merlin was in charge.

Besides, he wanted to wait until Eggsy trusted him. For all that Eggsy trusted him with his life, his safety, he didn’t trust him with anything else. Not his thoughts, not his feelings. Merlin had saved him in that bunker and it had started building that bridge, but they had a long way to go.

Eggsy opened his mouth and then closed it. “Michelle is drinking again.” His eyes were distant, and his shoulders were a defeated slump. “She’s trying to hide it, but she’s shite at that too.” He shrugged, hissed in pain.

Consolation wasn’t something Merlin did in his job much, either. If anything, he was usually the one reducing the person to the point they needed comforting. “I’m sorry,” he said, for a lack of anything else to say.

Eggsy looked at him, truly looked at him, and Merlin could see his guards set back up to high. He didn’t know what Eggsy was looking for so he just kept looking back, waiting to see what Eggsy was deciding.

“She told me to keep Daisy for the weekend,” Eggsy said, his eyes flickering to the door, to where Daisy was.

“She can stay here,” Merlin said. Surely they could figure out how to accommodate a toddler for a weekend. Yes, she would see a lot she wasn’t supposed to. But any other option wasn’t okay.

“I should take her back to Mum’s eventually.” There was a stubborn set to Eggsy’s lips.  _ I don’t want to _ , was left unspoken, but Merlin could see it on his face.

“I could go with you,” Merlin said before he could stop himself. Yes, there he was. Setting boundaries to ensure his totally non-romantic or anything else relationship with his youngest Knight would stay in place. He was just that good at his job. “Given the state of your arm and leg.” Even if Eggsy limped, needed a wheelchair for a bit, no one would screw with him with Merlin around.

And if they did, Merlin was more than happy to teach them a lesson.

Eggsy’s face was almost blank when he looked at Merlin, the careful guard of someone who refused to get their hopes up. He opened his mouth, then closed it, jaw clacking together and something close to bitterness tightening his lips. “I fucked shit up proper, didn’t I.”

Merlin bit back a sigh and grabbed a clipboard from on top of the bedside table. It wasn’t his; they were standard in the medical department, but it would work. He tapped in his security code, and it accepted his biometrics. He quickly pulled up Eggsy’s x-rays, and turned the tablet so Eggsy could see. “This is your ankle.” Once Eggsy looked his way, Merlin used the stylus to zoom in on the hairline fracture.

“I don’t see anything.” Eggsy sounded wary yet curious. 

Merlin circled it with the stylus. “There’s a faint crack in the bone.” He pointed to it. “You aggravated it some, with foregoing the walking boot.”

“That’s why I have -” Eggsy couldn’t finish the sentence, gesturing towards his foot.

“Yes.” Merlin swiped to Eggsy’s wrist x-rays. Eggsy had done a lot less damage to that. In reality, the hairline fracture on his ankle wasn’t that bad, but a week in the cast would do wonders for the healing. “If you keep the cast on for a week, I’ll let them put the walking boot back on.”

Eggsy looked at him, startled. “You can do that?”

Merlin arched an eyebrow, wasn’t surprised when Eggsy grinned. “I was a doctor before I joined Kingsman.”

“Really?” Eggsy just looked at him. “I mean, I saw you when Harry was comatose, but. Didn’t realize you had proper training.”

Merlin smiled wryly. “They don’t trust Harry’s medical care to just anyone. He’s a horrible patient.”

Eggsy laughed, smiled back, and Merlin ignored the fact that it sent warmth fluttering through his middle. He was not going to be swayed, nope.

“If you promise to behave, and not take additional  _ eejit _ risks, I’ll have the medical team move you to one of the spare suites near the lab.” Merlin kept his voice stern. That he wasn’t going to budge on. Eggsy would stay near him, or he’d stay in Medical, where the staff could keep an eye on him.

“What about Daisy?” There was apprehension in the lines of Eggsy’s face.

“We can find provisions for her, too.” If they didn’t have something, Merlin could send someone to buy it. “She can stay there with you.”

Eggsy looked at him, truly looked, and for once it unnerved Merlin. It was like Eggsy was trying to see underneath everything he said, everything he meant, verify whether or not Merlin was telling the truth and meant what he said. Then he relaxed, shoulders slumping forward. “I take it I can’t get rid of you?”

Merlin snorted, aware of how undignified it sounded and not really caring. “Someone has to keep you in line.”

Eggsy looked at Merlin and smiled. “That’s what Daisy’s for. You’ll have to share that responsibility with her.” His serious expression was exaggerated, and his eyes sparkled.

Merlin look put-upon, then sighed, rolling his eyes in a way that could only be characterized as fond. “I suppose I can live with that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this kicks off the next arc. ;) Eggsy and Merlin are going to have their collective hands full.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Parenting ahead.

Eggsy didn’t like being pushed around in a wheelchair, but he didn’t really have a choice. He couldn’t use crutches with one good hand, couldn’t balance with one good leg. Even though they were the opposite. So he sat there, his expression amiable, as Morgana pushed him to his new room. Daisy had sat on his lap for a bit, then tried to jump off, so she was now in Merlin’s arms.

Merlin, who was walking next to the wheelchair, his attention on Daisy. Eggsy kept sneaking glances out of the corner of his eyes, even though he was probably a lot less subtle than he meant to be. He hadn’t expected Merlin to be good with kids. Especially not Daisy. Not that Daisy was a difficult kid, not really - she just didn’t trust easily. She was only two and a half, but growing up in the Council Estates left its mark early.

Maybe she could sense that Eggsy trusted Merlin, so she agreed. But she liked Merlin, she was grinning at him, whatever he was saying. Eggsy couldn’t quite make out the words, just let himself enjoy the roll of Merlin’s Scottish accent. As much as Eggsy hated being treated like an invalid, he did have to admit that it made him hurt less. The pain had started setting back in and it took most of his energy to keep it off his face, to keep the mask on that was needed.

“Here we are.” Merlin paused in front of the door, reached out and gently took Daisy’s hand, then pressed it against the biometrics pad.

Eggsy blinked, something warm rising in his chest. The biometrics scan blinked, scanned Daisy, then opened. The door included Daisy’s biometrics. “You’d better not let her out,” he told Merlin. “She’ll make a run for it.”

Merlin looked down at her, arching his eyebrows in amusement. “I’m sure I could catch her. My legs are longer.”

Eggsy, for the sake of his brain cells, left that alone. Morgana rolled him inside, and Eggsy was the one who raised his eyebrows this time. It wasn’t what he had expected, even though he wasn’t entirely certain what he had expected in the first place. There was an adult-sized bed near the far wall, a crib nearby. Daisy’s diaper bag had been unpacked and the toys scattered around, the rest of the contents seemingly in the drawer opposite the bed.

That wasn’t the main surprise, no. The main surprise was the high-tech workstation set up on the wall opposite the bed. The room was bigger than Eggsy had expected, more than big enough for Merlin to have everything he needed while giving Eggsy and Daisy space.

Eggsy tilted his head up at Merlin, who was standing there, looking smug. Then Eggsy let out a breath, shook his head with a faint smile. He wasn’t surprised, not really. Merlin had said he was going to keep an eye on Eggsy, and what better way to do that than stay in the same room? Eggsy turned to look at the beds. That was something he’d figure out later.

Maybe Merlin didn’t need to sleep. Maybe he was secretly a robot. Eggsy wouldn’t be surprised.

Merlin moved ahead of them, keeping Daisy settled on his hip as he used a hand to pull down what turned out to be a table built into the wall. Eggsy blinked at that, too. “Dindrane is bringing the chairs,” Merlin said casually. As if that was something one just did. He walked over to the opposite wall, to the spot just to the right of the child bed, and carefully put Daisy’s hand to the wall. It slid open, revealing a large set of drawers and several shelves.

_ The fuck _ , Eggsy thought but didn’t say. Daisy was quite a sponge, and he didn’t want to explain to Michelle, when she was sober, how Daisy had learned that language. He recognized several things on the shelves - diapers, in Daisy’s size, there was a changing pad presumably for the drawers, clothes folded neatly for both Daisy and Eggsy.

“That door leads you to the living area proper.” Merlin pointed. “Kitchenette, toilet. You can access everything from that hallway.”

“Uh huh,” Eggsy managed, the shock sort of setting in. “Did…” He trailed off, cleared his throat. “Did you get all this stuff?”

“One of my staff did,” Merlin admitted easily. He didn’t even flinch when Daisy poked his cheek hard with a finger, just arched an eyebrow at her and rolled his eyes when she giggled madly. “Dindrane has two children at home, so I figured she would know what to get.”

“Huh.” Eggsy wished he could get closer, look at things, but he was sort of trapped where he was.

“Thanks, Morgana.” Merlin nodded to her in obvious dismissal.

Morgana opened her mouth to say something, then stopped.

“Daisy and I will ensure Eggsy makes it to his appointments. Won’t we?” Merlin tilted his head, sharing a conspiratorial look with Daisy.

“Eggy pants!”

Eggsy laughed. Close enough. “Ta,” he said, out of anything else smart to say. His brain had crashed and burned, taking all of his masks with him. He was dangerously close to feeling things like gratitude, warmth, affection. Dangerous things.

“What do you think, Daisy?” He reached his good arm up for her.

Merlin promptly, gently, deposited Daisy on Eggsy’s lap, so Eggsy could wrap his good arm around her.

Daisy stared solemnly at Eggsy for a few seconds, before leaning in to gift him with a big, wet, open-mouthed kiss to his nose. “Shite.”

Eggsy laughed despite himself, kissed her nose back. “We don’t say that word, lazy Daisy.” he teased. “That word’s for grownups.”

“Ups?” Her brow furrowed.

“Grown ups,” Eggsy said again. “Like Merlin and I.”

“Mewin?” Daisy said the word carefully. “Mewin Egg.”

“Merlin,” Eggsy said, emphasizing the movements of his lips and tongue for Daisy to see.

She looked at him with that ever-familiar toddler expression. “Mewin,” she said, patting his cheek, with that tone that toddlers had sometimes. It was the tone that screamed “you think you’re funny but I’m doing it right”. It was as close as toddlers came to condescending.

“That’s your new name, apparently.” Eggsy looked up at Merlin, a bit wary as to what he would see. Merlin didn’t sign up for this, didn’t sign up for any sort of parental responsibilities, yet Daisy had apparently decided that Merlin’s opinion didn’t matter. Which, to be fair, was what toddlers did.

It flashed across Merlin’s face just for a second, but Eggsy was long established at reading microexpressions. They’d saved his life before. Merlin had looked - pleased. Slightly embarrassed, but not anything negative. Then his face smoothed out, like he was consciously gathering control of himself back. “I’ve been called worse,” Merlin said dryly.

Eggsy used his good leg to bounce Daisy gentle, smiling when she giggled. He had different guards to keep up around her. When he lived at home, he had done his best to protect her from everything he could. Kingsman had saved him, but at what price to his little sister?

“Eggsy?”

Eggsy forced his eyes closed, put the smile on first and then waited until the rest of his face cooperated. “Sorry, tired.” He met Merlin’s eyes, and to absolutely no surprise, Merlin didn’t look convinced. Damn him.

A familiar scent wafted in the air, and Eggsy sighed, searching the room. Apparently whoever stocked it had forgotten he was in a wheelchair, and he wasn’t entirely certain he could stand long enough to change her nappy. Hopefully it was just gas and she was just wet. That was easier to do with a broken arm.

The table was close enough. “Can you grab the nappy pad?” Eggsy pointed to the thick purple pad on top of one of the drawers. “And a nappy.”

Merlin blinked, but then did so. The objects looked so unfamiliar in his large hands; Eggsy had to hide a grin.

“Put them on the table, ta.” Eggsy settled Daisy carefully, trying to use his good hand in tandem with his good leg to move forward. Merlin sat the requested supplies on the table and went behind Eggsy, pushing him towards the table.

“You’re not going to change her on that, are you?” Merlin sounded mildly scandalized.

Eggsy laughed. “See any other place I can reach, bruv?” He looked at Merlin, at the mild horror on his face. “Sides, this keeps everything nice and sanitary.” He patted the thick pad, which would go underneath Daisy to keep anything from reaching the surface. “Oh, wipes.” He scoured the shelves, pointed to the requisite container.

Merlin went over to the shelves and stopped.

“I can’t get them myself,” Eggsy pointed out. Daisy was fiddling with his shirt, pulling and tugging and seeing if she could rip a hole in it. It hurt a bit, but it gave her something to do that wasn’t jabbing Eggsy in his broken ribs, so he took it.

There was a conflicted expression on Merlin’s face. Eggsy would have been lying if he said he wasn’t particularly enjoying it. Merlin had always been the one in charge, and to see him so flustered brought a nice contrast to Eggsy’s recovery.

“Are you waiting for me to say please?” Eggsy arched an eyebrow. Daisy looked at him, turned to look at Merlin and copied the gesture. Except both of her eyebrows were raised comically so she looked surprised rather than annoyed. A smile tugged at the corner of Merlin’s lips before he stilled them.

Merlin cleared his throat. “I could change her. On this.” He tapped the nappy changing table pad. It was thick with raised, curved edges, so Daisy couldn’t roll off.

Eggsy blinked. He hadn’t quite expected that. “Have you ever done a nappy change before?”

“No.” Something close to amusement flashed over Merlin’s face. “But it can’t be that hard, can it?”

Eggsy managed to keep his face straight for a few moments, before he cracked. “Famous last words, bruv. Famous last words.”

**

It took Merlin less than two minutes to regret his decision. First, under Eggsy’s instructions, he had fetched the supplies from the table and brought them back over. Then he had picked Daisy up and laid her down on the changing pad. It was just long enough for her, and she stared up at him, with solemn eyes that made him fear for his life.

What was she plotting? Oh god, why had he signed up for this? Then again, he didn’t want his table soiled. Someone had to eat off of it, after all.

He was grateful that the drawer pulled forward, so he wasn’t trying to change Daisy underneath the shelves. Eggsy was right next to him in his wheelchair, and Merlin didn’t have to look at him to know that he looked positively gleeful.

In preparation, Merlin turned away and pulled off his jumper, then rolled his sleeves up.

“You’re not supposed to leave them there.” Eggsy sounded like he was biting back laughter. “They can roll off.”

“Oh.” Merlin walked back, finishing up his sleeves. Up to his elbows was probably sufficient. Daisy was still laying there, staring up at the ceiling. “Thank you,” Merlin told her.

Daisy giggled and kicked both her legs up, almost kicking Merlin in the face. She giggled some more.

“She does that,” Eggsy said, fighting to keep his amusement out of his voice and failing horrifically.

Thank God Harry wasn’t there to see this, or Merlin would never, ever live it down. He had disabled the security cameras in the room. Right?

“Let’s not do that, please,” Merlin said as diplomatically as he could. So Daisy reached up and started pinching at his face, hands grasping in the air.

“It helps if you give her something to play with,” Eggsy said helpfully.

Maybe he should have let Eggsy use the table after all. But like hell Merlin was going to admit defeat at this point. Instead, he kept a hand on Daisy while he took advantage of his long arms to reach his jumper, and the backup pair of glasses he kept clipped on it.

“Now, you have to be careful with these, okay?” Merlin held them up for Daisy to see. “Don’t break them.”

“Breaky, breaky,” Daisy said solemnly. Merlin closed his eyes, mentally praying for patience, and then opened them. Daisy took the glasses out of his hand, her attention turning towards opening and closing the arms and rubbing her fingers over the lenses.

“Do you need more help, bruv?”

Merlin risked a glance at Eggsy, who was looking at him with the unbridled glee Merlin had expected. He cleared his throat, managed to scrape up his dignity from wherever it had been smeared all over the ground, and turned his attention back to Daisy. First was edging down her trousers, nudging her shirt up. She let him with minimal fuss, her attention on trying to break one of the arms of the eyeglasses.

Worst case, Merlin would fetch his backup-backup pair.

The diaper came off, and Merlin was grateful for nothing worse than a wet diaper. He used the wipes, put the dirty ones on the diaper when Eggsy told him to, and then stared at the clean diaper. It had no obvious front or back markers, just...cute character images that told him absolutely nothing.

“Feel the thicker part?” Eggsy said, pointing to one of the front panels. “That’s the front.” He paused. “We’ve never used this brand, but I recognize it.” There was something in Eggsy’s voice that Merlin didn’t like, but he could deal with that later.

With only mild fumbling, Merlin got the diaper on, then picked up her trousers to put them back on.

The glasses apparently no longer amusing enough, Daisy shrieked and kicked her legs, pretty much ruining any attempt Merlin made to get the trousers back on her legs.

“If you put her down, she’ll run off like that,” Eggsy warned, with the wisdom of much experience.

“Daisy,” Merlin tried, going for a cross between polite and reprimanding.

Daisy’s lower lip wobbled, even though she did stop moving. She hiccuped, like she was on the verge of tears, her lip wobbling even further.

Fuck. Shit. “Don’t be sad,” he said, for a lack of anything else to say. “Here, can you help me get your trousers back on?”

“Mewin pants.” Daisy held out one leg, as if she was being a charitable benefactor. She sort of was. She only kicked Merlin twice in the time it took him to get her trousers on and pull them up. Then he picked her up, plopped her on Eggsy’s lap, and turned to look at everything still on the changing table.

“Put the wipes in the diaper, and wrap it up.” Eggsy demonstrated with his free hand. “Then it goes in the trash.”

Merlin glanced down at his glasses, considered for a second, and then gave them to Daisy. Daisy giggled in delight, then shoved them on Eggsy’s face with only one of the arms extended. Eggsy laughed, gave her a big, smacking kiss. Merlin could hear Eggsy talking to his sister as he bound up the diaper and took it to the loo toilet, away from the rest of the inhabitants. He then proceeded to thoroughly wash his arms, just in case.

He had a sinking feeling it would not be the last time he changed her diaper. At least next time he knew sort of what to expect.

Rolling his shirt sleeves back down, he reached to grab his jumper, only to find it in Daisy’s hands.

He really needed to find some books on child-rearing.

What? No. Nope. He wasn’t that invested.

Oh, fucking hell. He was. Like hell he was going to admit it, though. “I’ll need that back, lass.” Merlin looked at her.

Daisy looked back, broke into a grin. Then reached forward and licked the jumper.

Eggsy couldn’t bite back a peal of laughter.

Merlin just stood there. Yeah, he needed some books on child rearing. And fast.

**

Dindrane had brought the chairs in for the table while Daisy napped, Eggsy dozing off in the big bed with her. Merlin was glad he had gotten a bed on the larger side, although it looked like the crib might be completely ignored.

Merlin swiveled in his chair, watching them sleep. Daisy was half on top of Eggsy in a way that had to have hurt his ribs, but all Eggsy did was pull her closer. For all that Eggsy had a guard on when he was awake, it slipped when he was sleeping. He seemed so much younger. Like he and Daisy were facing a world determined to destroy them.

It made Merlin’s heart skip a beat. He scowled at nothing, as if that was going to change things. Having learned his lesson, he didn’t swear out loud, but he let himself think several swear words. Daisy was asleep, yes, but who knew what she could pick up in her sleep. Or even if she was actually sleeping and not just faking it.

Still, he turned back to his computer, making a mental to-do list that had rather more personal things on it than normal. It would be dinner time soon, and Eggsy was in no shape to cook. What did children eat? Did they eat normal food? Surely they did. At some point. Why hadn’t any of the Kingsman staff brought their kids in so Merlin could learn these things? Inconvenient.

He kept Lancelot’s feed up on one of the far screens. Dindrane was handling her, one of the many duties she took care of, but Merlin liked to keep an eye on things anyway. If something went bad, he needed to be able to intervene sooner rather than later. In one of the smaller windows, he pulled up the browser. Paused, looked back over to make sure that Eggsy and Daisy hadn’t moved.

First was Googling toddler-friendly meals. Well, that was a lie. First was Googling how old toddlers were. Certainly that mattered, right? Twelve to thirty six months. Daisy was two and a half. So 30 months. She was a toddler. They certainly did not have things like chicken nuggets or fish fingers in the freezer. Yet that’s what Google was recommending.

To be fair, Merlin wasn’t the best cook to begin with. He was serviceable, and could manage, but he had never had experience cooking for children. Maybe he wasn’t qualified for it.

Hell, he certainly wasn’t qualified for it. But it didn’t stop him.

He tapped out a message to Lanval, who was on duty. It was a long trip just for child-friendly food, but that was why Merlin delegated. Surely the Kingsman staff could make things appear faster than the time it took them to get back into London.

Then Merlin turned to the real challenge. A hitch in Eggsy’s breath stopped him, but a quick glance over his shoulder reassured Merlin that they were still sleeping. Still, it took a grand total of three minutes on parenting websites for Merlin to realize that parenting in general was a clusterfuck. One site contradicted the other, and a third would say something entirely new.

Not that Merlin was actually a parent, he reminded himself. It was very likely once Eggsy could walk properly that Merlin would go back to his normal lab and leave Eggsy to do...whatever Eggsy did.

Parenting, it seemed, could basically be summed up in “don’t fuck up”. That Merlin could identify with. Treat them like adults, understand, set limits.

Like a recruit, but smaller. And more temperamental. With diapers.

Something unfamiliar coursed through him, something that he wanted to slam the brakes on before he could identify. For the first time in a long time he actually felt nervous. It was an uncomfortable feeling. It wasn’t enjoyable to doubt yourself. Merlin could handle everything Kingsman threw at him, but put him in the same room with two people in his care, one a child - that was a whole different story.

Especially when so much was on the line.

Merlin stomped down that train of thought, too. “Fuck,” he muttered, his hand rubbing his brow. He was making so many bad decisions.

Lynette’s avatar beeped into sight. Casting one last glance at Eggsy and Daisy, Merlin stood and left the room, going just far enough away that he wouldn’t disturb them. “Merlin.”

“Thanks for the IDs,” Lynette said, sounding awfully relaxed. “Caradoc got in as his brother, and is next of kin.”

“Has he woken up?” Merlin asked. He didn’t have any nervous tics, so instead the energy just skittered through him, unharnessed. Harry was his friend, his best friend, and in all honesty, Merlin wasn’t going to believe he was okay until Harry was in front of him, alive and well.

“A few times,” Lynette said. “We gave him glasses, and he seems oriented, so he should be able to use them.”

Relief made Merlin lean hard against the wall. He didn’t sag, he wasn’t undignified enough for that, but it was close. Harry had woke up. Harry was  _ okay _ . The thought almost made him nauseous from relief. “Any update on when he can be moved to the UK?” He cleared his throat, trying to regain his composure.

“He’s progressing faster than they expected, so two to three weeks?” Lynette sounded relieved.

“Good. Keep me updated, and get him on the soonest flight he can handle.”

“Will do.” Lynette blinked off.

Merlin stood there for a few more seconds, trying to gather himself. It had been a week and a half since V-day, and so much had happened. He had been a shit sleeper prior to V-day, but now with both Eggsy and Kingsman to take care of, sleep was a distant memory. Not that Eggsy technically counted on that list, but Merlin put him there separate from Kingsman anyway. Because he was a professional like that.

He pushed himself off from the wall, tugging restlessly at the edge of his sleeves under his jumper to straighten them, even though they were fine. Maybe that was his nervous tic. He had Lancelot’s feed streaming to his glasses, but he headed back to the mock-lab just in case. Besides, he needed to ensure that Lanval completed his task, so they could have dinner. It had been a long time since he had eaten anything like fish fingers or chicken nuggets.

When he got back inside, he was surprised to find Eggsy sitting up, a half-smile on his lips.

Merlin stopped where he was. Glanced at his workstation, saw the websites still up. Well fuck. That was the downside of the big monitors; Eggsy could have easily read the website from where he was sitting. But, it was what it was, so Merlin sank into his office chair without a second glance, increasing the size of Lancelot’s window without immediately minimizing the others.

It wasn’t embarrassment that bothered him, not really. He wasn’t ashamed of what he did. What he was worried about was that Eggsy would feel he overstepped in his boundaries, contributing more than Eggsy had ever planned him to. In Kingsman proper, Merlin knew where everything was, what everyone needed. This was something entirely different.

He cleared his throat, not sure what to make of the fact that Eggsy hadn’t spoken yet. “Lanval is bringing some quick food for Daisy.”

“We’re eating something different?”

When Merlin turned to look at Eggsy, Daisy’s head was on his thigh, using it as a pillow, and Eggsy was looking down at her with a soft expression on his face.

Merlin averted his eyes as warmth swelled inside him. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This was dangerous, and he knew it.

Yet, he continued anyway. “If you’d prefer.”

Eggsy seemed to consider this. “What sort of quick food?”

Merlin double-checked the list. “Fish fingers, chicken nuggets. Chips.”

“Condiments?” Eggsy lifted his head to look at Merlin, an eyebrow raised.

“There’s a stock in the kitchenette pantry.” Merlin waved in its direction. “It’s just not stocked with kid-friendly food.”

Eggsy’s eyes flickered towards the computer screen, then back to Merlin. He cleared his throat, grimaced. It probably hurt. “Thank you,” Eggsy said, which was the absolute last thing Merlin had expected him to say.

“You’re welcome,” Merlin said on automatic. Daisy shifted next to Eggsy, drawing both of their attention.

“She’s exhausted,” Eggsy said, the words soft as if he hadn’t meant to say them. Something hard lined his face, like raw anger, before he quickly wiped it away.

Merlin tilted his head slightly, turning his attention back to Eggsy. For all they had been focused on Daisy most of the day, Eggsy needed some attention, too. He had no one he would talk to. Merlin knew that Eggsy and Roxy were close, but he had seen the ghosts of secrets hiding in Eggsy’s face when they talked, saw when Eggsy’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes when bantering with Roxy.

“Stay there.” Merlin was surprised at the firmness of his voice, but he didn’t say anything else. Instead he went to the exposed shelves and pulled down one of the ice packets, shaking it briskly before passing it over to Eggsy. “Twenty minutes with this, then arnica gel.” It was the no-nonsense voice he used on particularly rowdy recruits.

Meeting Eggsy’s eyes was his next mistake. There was something warm in their green depths, something so terribly conflicted that it made Merlin’s stomach twist itself in knots. Merlin didn’t know what Eggsy had gone through in his life to make it so that his guards were the way they were, but he knew it wasn’t good.

It wasn’t until Eggsy smiled that Merlin realized he’d been staring too long. He cleared his throat, turned back to his computer just in time to get the notification that Lanval had the groceries. “Stay with her,” Merlin said, keeping his back to Eggsy. “I’ll get the food in the oven, so you can have dinner.”

“You’re not joining us?”

When Merlin turned to look at him, he was thankful that he had a good poker face. For once Eggsy looked soft, an unguarded warmth directed towards Merlin. It made his stomach flip in an entirely non-dignified way.

The - fear? On Merlin’s face must have registered, because Eggsy smiled faintly before the guards flipped back up. Merlin wasn’t certain if he was pleased or disappointed by their reappearance.

“I suppose I can,” Merlin said finally.

“Daisy would like that.” Eggsy stroked a sweaty wisp of her hair away from her forehead, the movement so tender it made Merlin’s heart ache. Then Eggsy lifted his head, met Merlin’s eyes. “And so would I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote chapter 5 at the same time I wrote this one, but it's waiting on a beta. Warnings, folks - it's about to get angsty!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here there be angst. Lots, and lots, and lots of angst. Like there wasn't enough already...
> 
> But also some fluff? Depending on your definition?
> 
> As an aside - I've updated the warnings for this fic. I've tried to cover all the bases I can, but not sure if I quite hit them.

Eggsy laid on the bed, his eyes on Daisy in her crib. It was safer that way at night. Nightmares were a thing, and the last thing he wanted was to hurt Daisy in his sleep. They were still in the room, Merlin’s monitors dimmed as he worked on whatever it was he had to do. Merlin was quiet, except for the tapping of his fingers on the keys. Had been quiet, since dinner.

Dinner.

Eggsy let his lips quirk up in a smile, let his fingers trail across his shirt until he could press into a dip between his ribs, spark a flare of pain that made his breath hitch. It was hard to explain, what happened sometimes. When his mind checked out from his body, like he was seeing things from a distance or through a tunnel.

He hadn’t meant to invite Merlin to dinner. Hadn’t meant to do anything that indicated affection. But the moment that Merlin had started _caring_ , looking after him - Eggsy went cold all over, his body seizing up and his mind floating away. Pain kept him grounded, sometimes. Made his brain return to his body.

Other times it just hurt, and he was grateful for the distraction, even from so far away.

It was something he had mastered when he was little, when the yelling became too much. He could distance himself from it, like the yelling was directed towards someone else. The pain of being slapped, thrown around - anything and everything would go away. It had escalated with the drugs, with selling himself. It became the same as flipping a switch, letting his mind float away. Sometimes without his permission.

It had been useful, as a Kingsman, so far. He’d been able to detach in the bunker, kill with minimal thought as to what he was doing. It was easy to become a killer, to stay in the moment and take out everyone that posed a threat. To fuck the princess who had offered, even though he didn’t care. It was times like that Eggsy wondered if he was secretly a sociopath. If he was a danger to humanity.

Then he looked at Daisy. No matter what happened, he loved his little sister and wanted the best for her. Part of him knew that was never going to happen with Dean and Michelle. But there wasn’t much he could do. Besides - it wasn’t like he was any better. He didn’t hit, he didn’t shout, but he had those genes in him. There was always a chance he would snap. She deserved better.

Daisy Baker, that was her full name. Michelle and Dean had married proper after about four years, so Daisy bore his last name. The thought alone made Eggsy want to break things, to punch something until his knuckles were bleeding and some of the anger seeped out of him.

Instead he took a deep breath, relishing in the pain, then let it out. It was soothing, the sound of Merlin’s typing. His soft voice as he spoke to whoever was on the other line, as quietly as he could to not disturb whoever was sleeping.

_Fuck_.

Eggsy’s heart rate was starting to speed up, something he registered dimly. He knew the claustrophobia that followed, the feeling that his chest was crushing in on itself, that every breath was labored. It wasn’t anxiety, he knew that much. No, not in this case. It was anger, bubbling up after being held down for so long.

Kingsman training had helped with that, somewhat. The shooting and the physical release had provided an outlet that he didn’t have in his regular life. He could distract himself by taking care of everyone else. It was how he coped.

But now he was laid up, an invalid. Unable to take care of Daisy by himself. Vulnerable and dependent, and he hated it. He hated it so much he couldn’t put it into words. It tore him up inside.

His breath was coming in ragged shreds, and the faint part of Eggsy registered his ribs actually preferred that. However, hyperventilation wasn’t exactly the best thing in the world. He didn’t even want to think about sitting up. It would have been a good idea, would have brought some relief, but it would have drawn Merlin’s attention, and that was more dangerous.

The energy sizzled under his skin, threatening to burn him. There was nothing he could do about what was going on. He couldn’t fix Daisy. He couldn’t fix his mother.

He couldn’t even fix himself.

He gritted his teeth, biting back the gasp that threatened to escape. He could deal with this by himself, no matter how far he wanted to run away. He couldn’t leave Daisy. No matter how his heart raced, how his palms grew damp. His chest was heaving, his ankle hurt, but Eggsy didn’t care about any of that.

Merlin was still in the room, so that limited his options. Merlin could take care of Daisy, could look after her. Not for good, but until Eggsy could get his breathing under control, get some of the rage out that simmered underneath his skin. Maybe he could dart out of there.

It just wasn’t _fair_. None of it was fucking fair and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, because life wasn’t fair.

Something suspiciously like a sob caught in his throat, and he closed his eyes, pressing his lips together. He wasn’t going to let any noise out. He focused on the part of his mind that was observing from a ways away, the part that glanced at Merlin and wondered if he had noticed. The clinical part of Eggsy doubted he had. Eggsy was an expert at hiding these, at acting normal when he felt like he was falling to pieces.

His breath hitched, and he swore internally. He closed his eyes and relaxed as well as he could. Which wasn’t much at all. Merlin wasn’t stupid, he would know something was going on.

_Shit_. It was getting to the point he couldn’t shove it down, to the point it was boiling over and threatening to emerge in a way it mustn’t.

He forced himself to take a deep breath, forced himself to sit up with little thought to the emotions on his face. Maybe he smiled. Maybe he didn’t. He could see Merlin looking at him with that scrutinizing look, as if trying to puzzle him out. It was like it was happening from a distance. Ignoring any sort of support, Eggsy tested his weight on his leg cast, surprised when it held fairly well. He couldn’t deal with a wheelchair, not now.

“Bathroom,” Eggsy said with what he hoped was a shrug. He doubted Merlin believed him. The way his chest was heaving, he didn’t believe himself. But Merlin would stay away. He had to. He didn’t even comment on Eggsy ignoring the wheelchair. Maybe he was distracted, but the logical part of Eggsy knew that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t something he wanted to think about. Turning away from Merlin, who hadn’t said anything, Eggsy started limping towards the small hallway that led to the loo.

He passed the shelves, glanced up and caught sight of a pair of scissors. As quietly as he could, as unobtrusively as he could, he swiped them and kept them in front of him, hidden from Merlin’s view. Merlin probably noticed. Eggsy didn’t care.

Merlin didn’t stop him as he limped to the bathroom. Eggsy went inside, closed the door behind him. Locked it. He sank onto the edge of the bathtub, gripping it with white knuckles, his breath stuttering and coming out sharp. It was getting worse, so much worse, but all Eggsy knew how to do was deal with it, just let it run its course. It would fade eventually. It was like a hurricane - it would come in and do its damage, but eventually it would disappear.

It had never been that bad around others, not before. And telling Merlin, letting him notice, would only make it worse. Because Merlin would _care_ , he would look _concerned_ , and everything would get worse because no one actually cared, not about Eggsy. He wasn’t worth it. He didn’t _deserve_ it. What would he say, anyway? _I’m falling apart_ ? _Help me_ ? He wasn’t that weak. No matter how much the want, the _need,_ for someone to be there burned in his chest.

He was okay with what he had done, everything that had happened. He’d made his peace with it. But he knew no one else would. There was no point in trying. It was those thoughts that haunted him at night, those words that followed him around when he dared to think of something better.

Grabbing the scissors, Eggsy pulled up the leg of his sweatpants and poked gingerly at the cast until he could get the blade of the scissors between the cast and his leg. They weren’t the best scissors, but he got them working, watched as the cast split, revealing his leg underneath. It didn’t hurt. Or if it did, it was dulled by everything else going on.

Carefully he pulled the cast off. Felt his breath catch, saw his hands shaking. He put weight on his foot, tested it. There were dull hints of pain, little flares that were ignorable.

God he was going to be in trouble. But he had to get away. He had to get outside, had to be able to _breathe_.

He unlocked the bathroom, headed back into the room. “Look after Daisy for a mo,” he said to Merlin’s back, the words spilling out in a jumble.

Merlin spun to look at him just as Eggsy took off out the door.

He ran and ran and didn’t look back. It was easy enough to pass other people and ignore them, what few people there were around at whatever-o’clock in the morning it was. Eggsy didn’t care enough to know. Instead he focused on the pounding of his heart, the sharpness of his breath. The way his ribs jolted, his ankle flared. He was hurting himself, he was making himself worse, and for all it was delaying his return to Kingsman, he couldn’t have cared less.

Kingsman would be worth nothing if he burned up from the inside out, succumbed to whatever was building underneath his skin. He felt like he was going to explode, whatever was haunting him taking him out for good. Maybe it would. Maybe Eggsy would finally be at peace.

It was a testament to his training that he located the front door even on autopilot. Slowing down just long enough to unlock it, he took off again, not letting his pace falter even as the pain got worse. Part of him hated himself. He was abandoning his sister. Was he even better than Michelle, better than Dean? True, he had left Daisy with Merlin, but it still wasn’t right.

He slowed as he approached the trees, the pain in his chest becoming all-consuming. He clutched at his chest, focused on breathing, half-bending over. His breath was ragged, like he was about to throw up or pass out but nothing happened. Tears he had ignored for so long stung at his eyes. Why the fuck was he crying? There was nothing to cry about. Nothing was wrong. He was being stupid. His body was being stupid, not listening to his commands.

“Fuck,” Eggsy shouted as he punched the closest tree, the pain in his knuckles radiating up his arm. “Fuck.” He said that quieter, turning to lean bodily against the tree as the adrenaline burst threatened to fade away. It was raining, not hard but enough for a chill to set in, to be drenched to his skin, and he was not dressed for that. He wasn’t dressed for anything, really.

He looked down at his bloody knuckles, at the rain that washed away the hints of blood, leaving just the tatters of his skin. The rain washed away the tears on his face, too, as Eggsy tipped his head towards the sky. All he wanted to do was run and run until he couldn’t go on anymore, until he could get away from whatever chased him.

And he would. He would gather himself, put his mask back on, and go back in the mansion and be who people expected him to be. He just needed a break. He didn’t need _to_ break.

It would be a while before he could face Merlin again. Maybe Eggsy would go back to medical. They weren’t going to let him go this time; Eggsy wasn’t stupid. Merlin was going to be angry.

But there was nothing Merlin could do to him that hadn’t already been done. Dean had gotten creative, as Eggsy got older and harder to control. Michelle had only been able to do so much. Eventually she had stopped trying, most of the time.

None of the memories, none of the thoughts, were helping slow his breath. His pulse thundered in his ears, blocking out any of the nearby sounds. His head felt dizzy, and he saw spots of black at the edge of his vision. Was he still crying? He didn’t know. It didn’t matter.

Ignoring the pain, delighting in the pain, he sank down to the ground next to the trunk, barely sheltered from the rain. He pulled his knees up to his chest, as careful with his bad leg as he could be. Letting out a deep breath, he closed his eyes and let his head rest on his knees, arms wrapped loosely around them. He was getting his arm cast wet, and he shouldn’t. He should have kept his leg cast on. He shouldn’t have done anything he did.

Maybe Merlin would punish him. Maybe Eggsy would get thrown out of Kingsman for going mental. So much had fallen apart since the bunker. Maybe this was Eggsy’s karma, being charged in full for an opportunity he didn’t deserve. Maybe Harry had been wrong.

Eggsy’s breath hitched, sparking pain along his ribs. Maybe they had punctured something. He didn’t care. Instead he shifted until he was more comfortable, closed his eyes again, and tried to sleep.

**

The first thing Eggsy noticed was the sudden absence of rain drops on his face, on his hair. He shifted his head, aware of his entire body aching, opening his eyes just enough to see Merlin’s shoes.

_Shit_. Eggsy was so tired. His breath hitched, and he buried his head in his knees. He was stronger than this. He didn’t have to fall apart.

God, he was pathetic. He clutched his knees to himself even tighter, using the dull flare of pain in his ankle as a distraction. His feet were so cold he couldn’t feel his toes. That was a problem. Or probably, anyway. It felt like every time he tried to stitch himself back together, something else shattered.

He’d probably fucked everything up. Merlin was going to look at him with those pity-filled eyes, those _caring_ eyes, and tell Eggsy that he had to go home, that no matter what Merlin did both he and Harry had made a mistake, that Eggsy couldn’t do it, because he was _weak_ , because he was _wrong_. It was everything Eggsy had heard growing up playing through his mind on a loop. It was Dean being proven right, that Eggsy couldn’t make something of himself.

_Fuck_. None of that was helping, either.

“Eggsy.”

The softness of Merlin’s voice threatened to destroy him. Eggsy was too tired to put the mask back on, too tired to pretend to be who Merlin thought he was. He was tired and pathetic and _empty_. It was like everything that had happened in the past couple weeks was catching up with him at once, hitting him like a hurricane and taking him down.

“Eggsy, look at me.” There was an edge of a command to Merlin’s voice.

Eggsy tried. Not very hard, but he thought about it, considered obeying, but his whole body was starting to shake and wasn’t following directions. His breath was rattling in his chest. He could barely open his eyes. He didn’t want to see Merlin, didn’t want to see his face.

He was stupid, So, so _stupid_. How could he expect to take care of Daisy if he couldn’t even take care of himself?

_Not true_ , his mind whispered. Daisy mattered. Eggsy didn’t. He could sacrifice himself to save her. He would do it.

He dimly registered the sound of cloth sliding against cloth before a thick, wool jacket draped itself on him, covering him essentially from the neck down. Merlin’s fingers were gentle on his cold skin, leaving burning imprints as he checked Eggsy’s pulse in both his neck and then slid under the jacket to check his wrists. Eggsy’s jaw was starting to chatter, the shivering getting worse. How long had he been out there? He didn’t know.

_Fuck_.

His brain had ran out of more creative ways to express its disappointment. He could barely manage the energy for that. It was hard not to fall asleep, but easy, too. He was floating again, watching his body from a ways away. He knew he was cold, that he was shivering, that he felt like his body was shutting down, but it all felt like it was happening to someone else.

“Don’t,” Eggsy managed, not sure if the word was understandable with how hard his jaw was clacking together. He didn’t even know what he meant. All he knew was that he didn’t want to be taken back to medical, where they would poke and prod and test and tut over him and he would be a bug under a microscope. He couldn’t deal with that, not when he felt so raw.

Not when the guards he had worked so hard to build had crumbled down. Merlin was bad enough.

“Don’t what?”

Eggsy felt rather than saw Merlin crouch next to him. Then a large, warm hand settled on the exposed side of his face, still shielded by Merlin’s umbrella. “Eggsy.”

“No medics,” Eggsy managed, his eyes fluttering closed again at the warmth of Merlin’s hand.

Merlin stayed still for a moment, like he was deciding. Then his hands were on Eggsy again, tucking the coat more firmly around him.

“Dais?” That was the most important question, the one Eggsy should have asked first.

“Dindrane is watching her,” Merlin said. Then he was lifting Eggsy, holding him against his chest.

It was shock that registered first, then the impulse to lean in, curl up against him and relax. To feel safe for the first time in a long time. But Eggsy couldn’t. He couldn’t let his guard down, couldn’t let Merlin see how attached he was.

He was going to fuck everything up.

His body felt like a wet noodle, and he let himself lean into Merlin, to be held in his arms as if he weighed nothing and mattered everything. It was dangerous, even pretending that he mattered, that he was important. The more conscious bit of Eggsy was pleased, because that confirmed Merlin was as fit under the jumpers as Eggsy thought, so the rest of him tucked that away to process when things weren’t screaming _alert, alert_. It was strange, the little things that came to mind when your life was flashing before you.

It felt like was drifting in and out of consciousness in Merlin’s arms, body shaking and teeth chattering. The warmth of the Kingsman Mansion hit him like a smothering blanket, making his skin prickle and burn in a way that was both comforting and horrible at the same time. It was a distraction, something to keep him clinging to reality. It was a physical manifestation of the burning he felt inside. He smiled, no matter how hard it was. Maybe he was burning. Maybe this was it.

He barely heard Merlin say something, had no idea who he was talking to. He didn’t have the energy to open his eyes, to formulate thoughts. Dread had already taken residence in his stomach. He didn’t want to face Merlin, awake or not. Maybe he could sneak out of there before Merlin noticed.

In the morning, his logical side pointed out. There was absolutely no way Eggsy was going anywhere tonight. He’d have stern words for that logical side of his when he could actually function.

Before he could register what was happening, he was gently set down, and his legs wobbled underneath him. His eyes opened without permission, revealing Merlin holding tightly to his shoulders to keep Eggsy up with one arm, and using the other to tug down Eggsy’s sweatpants and pants.

The cold air bit at his skin, but he was too tired to shiver. Merlin stood, pulled off Eggsy’s shirt, leaving him naked. Merlin’s arm was around his waist now, a burning brand against Eggsy’s back. The distant, logical part of Eggsy’s brain recognized it as the protocol for hypothermia. The rest of him just wanted to go to sleep. Too bad he wasn’t awake enough to enjoy it.

Then Eggsy was being wrapped up like a burrito, one blanket then another. Merlin picked him up again, headed back...wherever he had been going. Eggsy’s eyes were half-open, but he wasn’t really paying attention to what was going on around him. He couldn’t.

He heard Merlin talk to someone, saw someone go by, then he was on a horizontal surface again, and Merlin was tucking another blanket around his head and shoulders, leaving only his face exposed.

Merlin’s face loomed in his vision, his expression solemn. Eggsy didn’t have the strength to look away. There was the concern he had feared, but it was balanced out by tense lips and a slight furrow between his brows. It was easy to believe that Merlin was mad, that Eggsy was going to be in trouble. It was what his brain clung to. Hoped for.

Because otherwise, life would be good, and as raw as he was? He wasn’t sure if he could cope with that.

It had been a long time since he had felt that broken, that fragile. The last time he could remember was the night he found out his father had died, all those years ago. Mom - Michelle - had drank herself into a stupor, passed out on the couch. Left Eggsy to fend for himself, to deal with his loss alone.

That was when Eggsy learned no one else would look out for him. He didn’t matter enough.

He blinked lazily, registered that Merlin’s lips were moving, that he was saying something. Eggsy was shivering now, the shame circling through his veins just enough to warm him up. Nothing was going the way he anticipated. He’d lost it in front of Merlin. How the fuck was he going to face him? He would have to, too, because Eggsy couldn’t manage Daisy on his own.

And there was no way he was returning Daisy to Michelle yet.

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice finally registered. Eggsy dragged ihs eyes to Merlin’s face, to his warm brown eyes, his slightly thin (but kissable) lips, his strong nose. The glasses that were ever-present. Eggsy felt almost dazed, his mind spinning. None of this was happening. None of it could be happening. “When did you last sleep?”

In the taxi, Eggsy was pretty sure. Before that? Eh. It didn’t matter. Merlin’s eyes searched his, the concern deepening. Merlin straightened back up, his eyes darting somewhere else. Eggsy tried to follow, but it was hard. It took so much effort to lift his head. But he recognized enough of his surroundings to know that he was back in Merlin’s lab, that Merlin was probably looking for Daisy.

Merlin looked torn, in a way that tugged at Eggsy’s heart. But he couldn’t move. He could just stare.

His eyelids were so heavy. The adrenaline faded, leaving the pain behind, aggravated by the shivering that was slowly, slowly starting to go away. He felt cold and prickly all over, but he felt safe under the blankets.

It wasn’t the blankets. It was Merlin. As terrified as Eggsy was of the consequences, the fight-or-flight part of his brain going into overdrive, Merlin was safety. He could worry about the implications of tomorrow morning later.

He looked at Merlin, studied his face one more time, and let his eyelids close.

**

Merlin had long ran out of swear words by the time Eggsy’s eyes closed and his breathing steadied. He ran a hand over the crown of his head, still a bit shaken up. He had been right on several counts - there were things in Eggsy’s background that Kingsman didn’t know. That even Harry didn’t know, even when he finally had checked in on the lad.

Even Merlin’s research had only gone so far. But Merlin knew the signs. Before he had got his medical degree, he’d taken psychology as an A-level. That, combined with his last boyfriend’s history and what psychology was covered in med school, told him enough. Severe, long-term abuse. Triggers. Overactive fight or flight.

The horrible thing was that it was part of what made Eggsy such a good agent. He could shut his conscience off, reduce everything to the here and now, without feeling any remorse over what he was doing. Merlin hadn’t realized it at the time, but it was exactly what he had seen in Valentine’s bunker.

“Here.” Dindrane reappeared in the doorway, a sleeping Daisy against her chest.

“Put her in the crib.” Merlin nodded towards it. He didn’t get out of his chair, not far from Eggsy. His mind was spinning in a lot of different directions.

Dindrane did as she was told, gently laying Daisy down and smoothing her hair. Apparently Daisy slept like a log, because she barely twitched. Eggsy was the opposite. He woke at even the slightest thing. That had probably contributed, too.

Merlin sighed, met Dindrane’s eyes. She was the only one who had seen him come back in, the only one he trusted with the information. She was in second-in-command, and the only staff member he trusted implicitly. “Clear all security footage of the incident,” Merlin said softly.

Dindrane nodded. “Yes sir.”

“Ensure that no one realizes what happened.” There hadn’t been many staff around when Eggsy had left, but it was better to be sure rather than sorry. Eggsy’s reputation depended on it.

Dindrane cleared her throat, drawing Merlin’s attention. There was a compassion in her eyes as she looked at Eggsy, at his little sister. “Are you certain, Sir?”

Merlin followed her eyes. Eggsy looked so vulnerable, so soft in sleep. He was still cocooned, which was cuter than Merlin had thought it would be. Not that he was thinking about it. Nope. Among the other things, the events of the last couple hours would present a significant challenge to any sort of relationship or anything else between them, if there had even been a chance of it in the first place. “Yes.” Affection or not, he would do anything and everything he could to protect Eggsy.

He may not have grew up in the Estates, but Merlin knew what it was like to deal with tragedy. Not anything long-term, but his father had been an alcoholic when he was a teenager, and his third year in uni, his oldest brother committed suicide. It wasn’t even close to what Eggsy had gone through, but he had seen the effect it had on his brother, on his mother. Saw how deep the scars ran. It was the scars that people couldn’t see that hurt the worst.

Dindrane nodded and left, the door hissing shut behind her. He flipped the switch on the lock, ensuring that no one would be able to come in without permission. Dindrane had her orders, a few of the junior handlers were taking care of the missions, which were primarily intel gathering. If anything more dangerous happened, Merlin would be summoned.

It was wrong, in a way, what he was doing. He should have reported Eggsy to medical, instituted required psychotherapy. A protocol that risked Eggsy’s job, the job he had just gotten and probably one of the two things that mattered to Eggsy at the moment. The other one was asleep in her crib, her chest rising and falling in a way that Merlin found reassuring.

It wasn’t just his affection for Eggsy that played a role. Merlin genuinely cared for him, outside of any sort of lust-y feelings. Eggsy was a good man, someone who had done his best with what he had been given. He had been strong enough to make it through everything life had thrown at him, and still come out the other side with a cheery disposition underneath it all.

Yeah, it was a deflection mechanism, but Merlin saw just enough flashes of it to be sure that it was Eggsy’s true personality, deep down. Someone had just beaten it out of him. Literally.

Merlin put his elbows on his knees, crossed his hands and rested his chin on them. He was right next to Eggsy’s bed, the faint hum of his monitors behind him. The problem wasn’t something Merlin could solve on his own, not likely. Eggsy had to want to. That was easier said than done, in a lot of cases. But Merlin could help provide the space and the support so that Eggsy could make it through.

No, he wasn’t going to risk Eggsy’s career, not for this. It was mad - definitely not the sanest decision Merlin had made at Kingsman - but it was the right one. What happened in Eggsy’s head didn’t impact his job performance. If anything, it ensured that he performed at a higher level. What was critical was figuring out a way to bring him down afterwards.

Merlin stood, kicked his desk chair gently so it went rolling back towards his monitors. He watched the steady rise and fall of Eggsy’s chest for a few moments. Merlin didn’t know how long Eggsy was going to sleep, when he was going to wake up. What he did know was that if Merlin let him, he would grab Daisy and run.

Letting out a soft sigh, Merlin leaned down and pressed a soft-as-a-feather kiss to Eggsy’s forehead, gently traced his cheekbone with the tip of a finger. Eggsy shifted slightly, but didn’t wake.

It broke Merlin’s heart, in a way, to turn his back on Eggsy and go back to his work. There were things he had to manage, paperwork that had to be done. The work at Kingsman never ended, not really. God he was going to be glad when Harry was well enough to return and take over this shit job. He would make sure Harry had the best security ever so Merlin never had to deal with the stack of paperwork ever again.

What would he do when Eggsy woke up? It wasn’t something simple to Google, not when he didn’t know the details. He hesitated, glanced in Eggsy’s direction, and then pulled up Dean and Michelle’s backgrounds. He raised an eyebrow - one child, Daisy Baker. Daisy had Dean’s last name. So did Michelle, legally.

Well, wouldn’t that complicate things?

He checked the timelines, double-checked. Compared some of Michelle’s rehab attempts with what he knew of Lee’s training, of Dean’s emergence in her life. The information made his blood run cold. Eggsy had essentially raised himself since he was seven or so. Michelle had been in and out of rehab, but when he traced her credit card statements he could find multiple charges for alcohol.

Merlin had been there when Lee had died, had done his background check. Michelle was much happier, much more of a social drinker at the time. It may have been worse than they knew. Merlin rubbed his forehead, feeling sick to his stomach. If only Kingsman had paid more attention. If only they had tracked Eggsy. If only, if only.

He couldn’t help but feel somewhat responsible. He had been there that day, all the way across the world, when Lee had died. He helped Harry bring the body back. It should have been his responsibility. But there was always so much to do, and things had steadily, steadily been put on the back burner until Eggsy and Michelle Unwin had fallen off altogether.

Could he feel obligated towards Eggsy? Perhaps. But if he did, it was only part of the puzzle. There was so much else underneath the surface. He exhaled slowly, leaning back in his chair. Reviewed what he knew of the adverse effects of long-term childhood trauma. Probable drug use. In low-income areas, possible prostitution. Risk-taking behavior. Higher likelihood of suicide, of early death.

Given what Merlin had found, it was something of a miracle that Eggsy was still alive, still fighting. He turned to look at Daisy, eyes softening at her sleeping form. She could be saved, as young as she was. It was something Eggsy was committed to. He’d gone to more than enough trouble to save her, to not leave her in dangerous situations.

An idea sparked and he considered it, rolling it around his mind. Medical probably wouldn’t approve, but Medical didn’t have to. Merlin could overrule them. He owned a small house, not far out of London, where Eggsy could stay. Merlin rarely used it, preferring to stay on site, but he was fairly certain it was still standing.

He ticked over the layout in his brain. Three bedrooms, two and a half baths. Merlin had turned one of them into an office, and one was a bedroom, but the guest room could easily be converted into a room for Eggsy and Daisy. Or Merlin could give up his bedroom; he couldn’t remember the last time he actually slept in the bed.

Since he was standing in as Arthur and many of his handling duties were being delegated, he could handle most of the paperwork from home, as needed. He could be there to supervise, to assist. Eggsy couldn’t take care of Daisy on his own. There was no way in hell Merlin was letting Daisy go home, not with what he had found. His fingers itched to take things into his own hands. All it would take was a few keystrokes and Dean would be out of the picture.

But he didn’t want to do that without talking to Eggsy, first. And Merlin knew it wouldn’t fix Michelle. Her problems ran deeper than that. He would have bet that Eggsy knew that, too. That was why he had taken Daisy that day.

Merlin closed his eyes, rubbed his forehead again. His muscles were tensing up, the implications and stressors of what he was about to suggest sinking in. Some would argue. Some would call it inappropriate.

Few dared go toe-to-toe with Merlin, and of those, most failed. Merlin could hold his own, and he would protect Eggsy until he could, too.

It had become about so much more than his infatuation with Eggsy. And yeah that infatuation was probably a temporary thing, despite the fact it had been easily six months. Whatever, that still counted. It would go away eventually. Either that or he would make it.

This was about Eggsy’s survival, helping him find his place in a world that had kicked him down. Merlin wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize that, wouldn’t let anyone else do it either. If he could do anything to help, to smooth things out, he would. Eggsy deserved nothing less.

He summoned Dindrane, who had finished up what she was doing. Like Merlin, the majority of the time she slept on the Mansion. He would get the plan cleared with her first, since she would be taking on the majority of his responsibilities.

If things went drastically wrong, it would explode for both of them, for Eggsy. But it wasn’t going to.

Merlin wouldn’t let it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have gone on a Merwin writing binge and should have two more chapters to post this coming week. Going to space them out a bit so you're not inundated and so I don't have to edit everything at once. :p
> 
> Don't light me on fire for this chapter, pretty please? ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really bad at holding on to things okay??
> 
> Also - special shoutout to my friend who cackled over nekkid Eggsy and reminded me that he was, indeed, naked. Sigh. I'm a writer, we forget stuff. :p
> 
> Enjoy some Merlin/Daisy fluff!

The first thing to register was the burning pain in Eggsy’s ribs. Second was the way his muscles twitched, warm but sore. He moved his head to the side, surprised to find a blanket there. The knuckles of his good hand throbbed.

Then the memories from the night before flooded him, and he tensed. Fuck. His heart started racing, his palms sweating. He kept his eyes closed, tried moving as quietly as he could. The sane part of him pointed out that there was an absolute zero chance of Merlin having left him in the room by himself after last night. Eggsy had made his escape once. He wasn’t going to get out a second time.

He’d been dreaming, too, that Merlin had kissed him, stroked his face. A pleasant dream, albeit one that twisted his insides in knots. That was dangerous. It would be deadly. But Eggsy couldn’t help but want it.

Then there was the whole naked thing. Well fuck. He’d forgotten about that.

“How are you feeling?”

Merlin’s voice made Eggsy’s eyes fly open to the ceiling, made a lump form in his throat. He swallowed despite it, feeling his hands clench. Nerves fizzled throughout his body, and he struggled to form thoughts, words.

Then Merlin’s face appeared in his range of vision. Eggsy deliberately, pointedly, looked away, resetting his expression to its usual placid one. The blankets felt stifling, like they were closing in on him. He rolled to the side, ignoring the pain that shot through him, ignoring the way that he felt Merlin’s hands settle the blankets about his hips, helping Eggsy sit up without straining his ribs. If their fingers brushed, well, Eggsy wasn’t going to mention it if Merlin didn’t. Merlin’s fingers were like brands on Eggsy’s skin.

“You were a bit cold.” Eggsy risked a glance towards Merlin, who was sitting in his computer chair, looking at Eggsy. He was quite close. Eggsy could have reached out and touched him if he wanted to. “There’s a change of clothes for you.” Merlin nodded to the side of the bed. Eggsy considered the clothing.

It was normally so easy to hide everything, but all of his reserves were gone and he was scraped raw. The pain was worse, and he couldn’t keep its effects off his face. Much less hide his feelings. The absolute last thing he wanted was to have a conversation with Merlin. Especially while naked.

Yet he knew there was no way he was escaping one.

“Gonna pop to the loo,” Eggsy said, pointedly avoiding Merlin’s face.

“The external doors are locked,” Merlin said offhandedly, turning and moving back towards his computer. “I’ll stay facing this way.”

Eggsy was strong enough to form a scowl in his direction, but embarrassment tempered it. Merlin had obviously been the one to undress him and he hadn’t even been coherent enough to enjoy it. Rude. He went to the loo, slowly pulled the clothes on. Used a new toothbrush to brush his teeth with some strangely minty toothpaste.

It was easy to drag things out, to take his time. There was no way he could manage a shower, but he could deal with that later. His ankle was throbbing, so were the knuckles of his good hand. Maybe he would go with a bath. There wasn’t a tub in that bathroom, but that was a problem for later-Eggsy. Current-Eggsy just had to survive the next however long it took to get out of the room.

He limped back into the room, grateful that the jolts of pain in his ankle distracted him from the throbbing of his ribs. Ignoring Merlin, he made his way to Daisy’s crib. Daisy was still asleep, her eyes closed and her limbs sprawled everywhere. Eggsy did smile at that, relief washing through him that his little sister was okay. She was safe. She did sleep like a log.

Eggsy finally let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding. His shoulders slumped, his body crumpling like the strings had been cut. He would have fallen backwards if Merlin hadn’t caught him.

“Easy, lad,” Merlin said, his voice a rumble. He helped Eggsy sit down on the camp bed. Eggsy hadn’t even heard or saw him get up. How long had Eggsy lost just looking at Daisy?

Eggsy’s chest constricted, but he focused on breathing deeply, his eyes closed. He wasn’t sure how to brace himself. Was Merlin going to shout? Surely he was going to be kicked out of Kingsman. Did he want to start that conversation, save Merlin the trouble?

“Look -“

“Eggsy.” Merlin cut him off quickly, and there was just enough of an order in his voice that Eggsy lifted his head to look at him. It was the tone Eggsy recognized, the same one Merlin had used in the infirmary what felt like a lifetime ago when he was asking questions about Daisy but not lecturing.

Eggsy couldn’t hold his gaze, so he turned his head slightly to look at Daisy, not far to Merlin’s side.

“Given the events of last night, I think a discussion of your future is in order,” Merlin said levelly.

Eggsy swallowed thickly, his heart dropping. “I’ll leave, I swear. Daisy will come with.” He could see Merlin blinking out of the corner of his eyes, then saw understanding dawn on Merlin’s face.

“No, Eggsy. That’s not what I’m suggesting.” Merlin leaned back in his chair, one ankle crossing over his other knee. His fingers tapped against the ankle of his foot. Was that a nervous twitch? Could Merlin be nervous?

Eggsy pulled up what strength he had. He wasn’t a chicken, he didn’t faff about. So he met Merlin’s eyes head-on, his guards raised as high as he could get them.

“You don’t have to agree, mind,” Merlin added. “Don’t agree to anything you don’t want. This doesn’t affect your job a whit.”

Something uneasy shifted in Eggsy’s stomach. Merlin wasn’t like that, no. He didn’t take advantage of his power, not like some of the other men Eggsy had met in his life.

“I own a small house in the outskirts of London, just far away enough to be isolated,” Merlin said. He cleared his throat. “I would suggest you and Daisy move there while you heal.”

Eggsy blinked. “What?”

Merlin’s expression softened, the warmth Eggsy saw curdling in his stomach. “I don’t think being here is doing a lot of good for your health,” he started. He hesitated, like he wasn’t sure what to say next. Eggsy was hanging onto his every word. “I don’t think last night was the first time that happened.”

Eggsy did look away at that, shame burning on his face. No, it hadn’t been the first time something like that had happened. It had just been the worst, the most public. “What’re you saying?”

Merlin let out a soft, familiar sigh of exasperation. “With your permission, I’m moving you back towards London, in order to finish your rehabilitation outside of Kingsman’s facilities themselves.” Merlin’s gaze shifted to the crib. “Daisy is also welcome, pending the outcome of her...situation.”

Eggsy considered this. “So like.” He scrunched his face up, his heart beating erratically. “Moving in with you?”

Merlin arched an eyebrow. “Do you have someone else that could assist you with Daisy?”

Eggsy opened his mouth, then closed it, like a goldfish. Technically he could call up Jamal, or Ryan, or even Roxy, but Jamal and Ryan didn’t know about Kingsman and the whole broken-arm and broken-ankle thing was hard to explain. Rox was barely getting twenty four hours off between missions before jetting off again.

“How come you can take time off?” Eggsy asked, suspicious.

Merlin’s lips twisted into a sour expression, something that Eggsy found both alarming and charming. “As the stand-in for Arthur, the majority of my role currently consists of documentation and paperwork.”

“Fuck,” Eggsy said. Then he glanced over at Daisy, reassured to see that she was still asleep. She was a little sponge.

“Agreed.” Merlin looked somewhat amused at that. Then he cleared his throat, looking suddenly uncertain. That expression didn’t last long, smoothing out into his normal stoicism. “Is that acceptable?”

Eggsy tried to pretend that he was giving it a lot of thought. Moving out of this stupid mansion. Away from ever-hovering Medical. Speaking of… “What does Medical think about this?” Eggsy asked, suspicious.

Merlin smiled. It wasn’t a nice smile, not the kind Eggsy really liked. It was the smile that said “don’t fuck with me”, the smile that contrasted so neatly with Merlin’s rather laid back demeanor to the point it was almost alarming. “You’re to get a walking cast.” An eyebrow arched, which very clearly was “and it should stay on”. “Lanval and his staff will move your and Daisy’s belongings into your new living spaces, so by the time you’re finished in Medical, everything will be ready.”

Eggsy narrowed his eyes, uncertainty haunting him. “What do you get out of this?” That was one thing Eggsy had learned earlier in life. No one helped someone else without an agenda.

There was a wry turn to Merlin’s lips. “I don’t have to deal with you escaping Medical at every turn. They tend to complain after the third time.” He looked thoughtful. “Although Morgana did say you’re close to breaking Harry’s record.”

Eggsy let out a laugh. “Harry’s a bad patient, then?”

Merlin’s eyes crinkled. “I don’t envy the doctors in Kentucky.”

For a moment that sobered the air between them, the memory of what happened in the church and to Harry hanging there. Merlin’s gaze softened.

Eggsy’s stomach flipped, but he didn’t let himself look away.

“You can’t look after Daisy by yourself,” Merlin said flatly. “I think she’ll be happier outside of here, too.” _And you will, too_ , Eggsy desperately wanted to believe was meant. But Merlin didn’t say it, and Eggsy wouldn’t let himself indulge in those sorts of delusions.

And Daisy’s happiness was paramount, Eggsy agreed. “That doesn’t really answer the question.”

The corner of Merlin’s lips quirked up. He held Eggsy’s eyes, something in there that made Eggsy’s stomach squirm. “I can ensure that you recover adequately to continue your job. I can ensure you get the treatment you need in a comfortable environment, with adequate space and adequate security.”

Eggsy looked at him, suspicious. “What kind of security do you need in London?” Or outside of London, whatever.

Merlin looked around the room as if to say “what do you think?”.

Eggsy did admit he had a point. He held Merlin’s eyes for a few moments, lingering there before very briefly dipping down to his mouth. Which, of course, brought back the dream. He lifted his head towards the ceiling, keeping his face blank through years of experience. Maybe his cheeks heated, maybe they didn’t. That had been a dumb move on his part.

He really wanted to say yes. He wanted to get out of the Mansion, away from Medical and everyone that was watching him. London wasn’t necessarily an improvement in terms of space, but it wasn’t quite as restricted as it was in the Mansion. It depended on how far Merlin was towards the outskirts, how much space they had to walk.

Hope was blossoming in his chest, so raw it was nearly painful. It took several deep breaths and clenching his fingers on the edge of the camp bed before his breath slowed. Panic was rising in him, his brain shouting to run, to fight, to do something, anything, because it was being threatened. But it wasn’t. It took all of Eggsy’s willpower to keep his brain from switching off. He wanted to be in his body for this discussion.

Besides, Merlin would notice now. Eggsy wouldn’t get away with it again.

Eggsy cleared his throat, his gaze on Daisy now. “Yeah, okay.” It was such a bad decision. Merlin would learn more, learn all of the things that haunted Eggsy. But he couldn’t take care of Daisy by himself. Daisy liked Merlin, and Merlin liked her. He wasn’t just going to drop Eggsy off at a house somewhere and laugh at him while he attempted to take care of Daisy on his own.

Merlin wasn’t going to take advantage of him, either.

“Eggsy?”

He didn’t realize that his eyes had fluttered shut until Merlin spoke. “Sorry.” He blinked. “Tired.”

Merlin hummed. “I can imagine.” He looked at Daisy, then back at Eggsy. “Have you talked to Michelle lately?”

Eggsy gritted his teeth, shook his head. The pain had faded to a dull throb now, a familiar ache that he had sat with for a long time before. He didn’t like it, but he was used to it. “I…” he trailed off, uncertain. He swallowed thickly, tried again. “I don’t know if she’s realized Daisy is gone.” He kept his eyes on Merlin, wanting to see how he reacted. It would tell him a lot.

If Merlin viewed his mother with disdain - Eggsy wasn’t certain how he would deal with that. Eggsy had complicated feelings towards Michelle. He didn’t dislike her, but he wasn’t entirely approving of her decisions. Still, she was family, and he was protective of those he cared about.

But nothing flickered on his face. He didn’t even look surprised. He just said “hm” and looked back at Daisy. “Would you like me to contact her?”

Eggsy blanched. “No, ta.” The words barely got out. It wasn’t Merlin talking to Michelle that Eggsy was afraid of. It was Dean overhearing, Dean answering Michelle’s phone, and misinterpreting Merlin’s phone call. Dean had gotten jealous over nothing before.

“Okay.” Merlin paused, his eyes moving to the crib. A faint smile - Eggsy had dubbed it the fond one - was on his face now. “Go to medical,” Merlin said pointedly.

“She might wake up, I should -”

“I can take care of her.” Merlin said that with a lot more confidence than Eggsy felt. But, Merlin had taken care of her while Eggsy was knocked out, and he hadn’t completely botched changing her nappy.

“I want her still in one piece when I get back,” Eggsy said, mock-serious. He stood, then stopped when there was a quiet knock on the door.

Merlin looked pleased with himself. “Morgana is here to ensure that you make it to Medical.”

Bastard. Eggsy sighed. “Fine.”

**

Merlin watched the door close behind Eggsy and Morgana, let the mask he had been wearing drop. That had gone better than he had expected. Eggsy’s guards were starting to go back up, but that was to be expected. Just because Merlin had helped with his sister didn’t mean Eggsy was going to let his guard down.

He’d probably had those guards for years.

Daisy hiccuped in the crib. Not quite awake, but getting there. When did children get their own beds? Would she need a crib in Merlin’s house? He would have to ask Dindrane. Daisy probably needed a medical check-up, too, to ensure she was developing correctly. When was the last time she had been seen by the NHS?

He wasn’t going to drag her to Medical here, no. He could have Morgana or Morvydd come over and check on her then. Maybe she would need speech therapy, maybe she wouldn’t. Merlin would do whatever it took to ensure she had the best life possible.

Part of him wanted to laugh. Not very invested, indeed. He was invested in both Daisy and her older brother. Merlin licked his lips unconsciously at the thought of Eggsy. Nothing would happen, he would ensure that. But part of his mind wanted to wonder, wanted to dream. He shoved it down.

Daisy hiccuped again, and Merlin looked over to see her standing in the crib, staring at him with her large eyes.

“Good morning,” Merlin said, not entirely certain it was actually morning. But it worked. He probably should have asked Eggsy what her routine was before he had sent him off with Morgana. But surely he could improvise.

Something beeped in the corner of his glasses, indicating an incoming call. Merlin turned his head away from Daisy, accepted it. “Merlin.”

“When can you get me back to London?” Harry demanded. Or as demanding as Harry got, which was only a slight increase in volume and more crisp vowels than his usual.

“Hello, Harry.” Merlin turned back towards Daisy, who was staring balefully at him like she was being ignored.

Harry paused, audibly, on the other end.

“Good morning,” Merlin told her again, picking her up and settling her against his hip. A nappy change was probably the first thing on the agenda. Then breakfast. What did kids eat for breakfast? Maybe he would steal some of Eggsy’s cereal. It was bright and sparkly, with sugar. Kids probably liked it.

“Why is there a child in your lab?” Harry’s voice was a bit strangled.

“I’m looking after her.” Merlin may have delighted a bit in how he said that.

“Someone trusted you with a child?” Harry sounded incredibly doubtful.

Merlin paused, checking Harry’s view. The hospital room, no one nearby. He tapped the frames three times, cutting off his video feed but keeping the audio enabled.

“What?” Harry sounded pretty close to a squawk. He really was bored, then. Not that that was actually a surprise.

“Unless you would like to see me change her nappy, you’ll deal with it for now,” Merlin said evenly.

If Harry had been a teenager, he would have been sulking on the other end of the line. “That is Eggsy’s sister, is it not?” He sounded like he had finally put the pieces together.

Merlin gathered the supplies, Daisy still in his arms. “Yes.” He placed them next to the changing table, gently laying Daisy down and putting a gentle hand on her middle to keep her from rolling off or kicking too vigorously. “Did you need something, or were you just calling to chat?” Merlin said wryly.

Harry sulked loudly enough that Merlin could practically hear him. “I was just wondering as to the estimated time of my arrival back in London.”

That was Harry for “get me the fuck out of here now”. Merlin had gotten pretty good at translating in the decades they had known each other. “I’ll let you know when I know,” Merlin said absently. A foul stench wafted from Daisy’s nappy and Merlin wrinkled his nose. Being a Kingsman had given him a strong stomach, but he hadn’t expected to face it before breakfast.

Harry paused. “Why do you have the child?”

“Eggsy is in Medical,” Merlin said absently, preparing for battle with an army of wipes. It was, surprisingly, not as bad as he had expected. He followed Eggsy’s general suggestions, keeping the wipes on the diaper so they were easy to discard, and went and washed his hands (and Daisy’s) when he was done.

“He was hurt?” Harry sounded alarmed. It was delayed; someone had probably come in the room. Merlin tapped his glasses back on the video feed. Harry got a good feed of Daisy staring solemnly at him. Probably contemplating stealing his glasses. Merlin really needed to get her her own pair.

“Yes,” Merlin said absently. “Bulletproof does not mean what people thinks it means.”

Harry let out a short laugh, but there was bitterness underneath it. “He shouldn’t have…” he trailed off.

“We can discuss this in your debrief when you’re back,” Merlin said, heading into the small kitchenette. “So you can take over this bloody job and its stupid paperwork.”

“Bloody?” Daisy sounded decidedly interested.

Merlin narrowly stopped himself from swearing out loud again. “You’ve been appointed Arthur.” _Deal with it_ , was left unsaid.

“Shite.” Daisy giggled to herself.

Merlin rubbed his forehead with his free hand. He could practically _feel_ Harry’s smirk on the other end. “I take it you taught her that?” Harry drawled.

Merlin mentally scrolled through a list of retorts until he found one that was Daisy-acceptable. “Unfortunately.”

Harry grumbled on the other end of the line. “Time for physical therapy.” He hung up their connection without a good-bye.

Merlin, wisely, kept his mouth shut for the moment, because nothing he wanted to say was Daisy-friendly. “Harry’s a great big prat, isn’t he?” he told Daisy, because surely prat wasn’t that bad of a word.

Daisy nodded solemnly. “Plat.”

Merlin laughed, he couldn’t help it. Daisy leaned forward, her face centimeters away, her eyes wide. “Brek pwease.”

“Breakfast?” Merlin translated.

“BREK PWEASE,” Daisy roared into Merlin’s face, then she burst into giggles as Merlin’s eardrums exploded.

For a toddler, her voice was surprisingly loud. “Inside voice,” he said, as chiding as he could manage. As if he wouldn’t give in to whatever she wanted the moment she turned those eyes his way.

“Side voice.” Daisy scoffed. She twisted in his arms, trying to wiggle away. He put her down, cautiously reaching out to lock the doors so she couldn’t escape. Instead she toddled towards the kitchenette, surprisingly steady on her feet. She opened and slammed some of the cupboards, cackling to herself.

Was that normal? Merlin had no idea.

“Do you like cereal?” Merlin asked, scooping her up and tickling her. It was worth the screech in his ears to hear her giggle, to feel the way Daisy threw her arms around his neck and smashed her face against the side of his. “I’ll take that as a yes,” Merlin said wryly.

The door to his lab opened, its quiet hiss familiar. Merlin turned, about to give the invader a dressing-down, when he saw it was Dindrane. “Hello,” he said instead, then turned back to pull down a box of cereal that looked vaguely healthy.

“She can probably choose,” Dindrane said, walking forward. There was something in her eyes Merlin couldn’t place, something warm and fond. To be fair, he probably couldn’t place it because affection was a rare thing in the Kingsman mansion. “How old is she?”

“Two and a half,” Merlin replied absently, searching through the kitchenette for a sturdy-looking bowl. He looked down at the spoons, frowning. They all seemed too large for Daisy’s small hands.

“I’ll make sure some toddler spoons make it over to the house,” Dindrane said, apparently reading his mind. If it helped Daisy, Merlin wouldn’t object too much. “Do you have a booster seat?”

Merlin just looked at her.

A smile creeped onto Dindrane’s face, like she was trying desperately to hide her amusement and failing. “I’ll add that to the list, too.”

Daisy decided she’d apparently had enough of being a casual part of this conversation, reaching up and curling a fist around the lens of one of Merlin’s glasses. She just left her hand there, stared at him.

Merlin stared back, with the eye that wasn’t obstructed by her hand. “Those are mine,” he said, as firmly as he dared.

Daisy narrowed her eyes, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth in concentration. Then she pulled, tugging the glasses off his face. She giggled to herself, stuck the lens in her mouth.

Merlin looked at Dindrane for help. Why the fuck had he let Eggsy go somewhere else?

Dindrane was clearly struggling to contain her laughter. “I’ll get you some wipes,” she said, attempting to sound comforting. The laughter in her voice did nothing to help. “Get her sat in a chair and get her some cereal.”

Merlin turned back to Daisy, who had her tongue pressed against the lens as if she was trying to figure out what it tasted like. Daisy was slightly fuzzy now, the downside of being near-sighted. “I’d like those back, please,” he said, using a slightly firmer tone.

She just looked at him with those big, big eyes and a wobbly lower lip. Fuck. Merlin couldn’t resist that. He’d been around the child for less than a week and she already had him wrapped around her finger. He probably should have cared more about his dignity.

He didn’t.

“If you give me the glasses, we can get you cereal?” He tilted his head to the side, reaching over to pick up the box and show it to her. Bartering worked, right?

She dropped the glasses immediately, tossing them to the side so they clattered on the floor. “Real! Creal!”

Merlin opened and closed his mouth twice before he realized Dindrane was standing in front of him, cleaning the glasses with a wipe. She offered them to him. He sat the cereal down on the table, put his glasses back on. Daisy stared at him expectantly.

“And you have two of these?” Merlin asked Dindrane incredulously. Surely she had to be mad.

Dindrane laughed. “Let’s get her sat down for breakfast.” She turned to Daisy, cooed at her. “Can I pick you up, sweetheart?”

“Dwaine!” Daisy seemed okay with that. Merlin blinked at her as Dindrane took her, trying to figure out what Daisy was trying to say.

“Met her when she was with Morgana,” Dindrane explained, bouncing Daisy gently against her hip and tickling her belly. She smiled at Daisy when she giggled. “Dwaine is my name.”

Oh. That made sense.

“Mewin, creal.” Daisy looked at him, obviously offended that he had not procured the cereal as quickly as he had promised.

He risked a glance at Dindrane, who was giggling into Daisy’s cheek as she gave her kisses and made her laugh. Obviously outnumbered, he poured some cereal into a bowl and then followed it up with some milk, then put a spoon next to it.

How did so many people do this child-rearing thing? It was like rocket science, but it screamed and pooped.

Placing the bowl and spoon on the table, he turned to look at Dindrane. Dindrane, who looked at him expectantly. No no no. That was not how it was supposed to work. She was supposed to tell him what to do next.

Instead, Dindrane tilted her head to the side, although whether she was getting a real call or a feigned one Merlin wouldn’t be able to tell until he got into his records. “Got to go,” Dindrane said cheerfully. “Lanval will be taking Eggsy and Daisy to their temporary living quarters.”

Merlin took Daisy from her without being told. She looked at him while Dindrane left, clearly impatient. “Creal, Mewin.” Her voice was increasing in tenor.

“Cereal,” Merlin said, copying how Eggsy had talked slowly enough that Daisy could see. Instead of being appreciative of his attempts, she looked at him like he was stupid.

Maybe he was. Clearly, one of them knew what they were doing.

“Right.” He looked at the table, then at Daisy. “Can you eat cereal? By yourself?”

“Yes,” Daisy said, sounding quite pleased with herself.

That was a word Merlin could get behind. But when he sat her on the chair, started to scoot her in, he realized that the chairs were made for adults. Only Daisy’s head was over the table, when she sat down. Which Daisy only did for approximately three seconds before she climbed up, going straight for the bowl.

“Nae, little lass,” Merlin said, catching her and swinging her up into his arms. It was an obnoxious habit, the way his brogue thickened when he was nervous. Or when he was around his family. It was remarkably rude of his brain to reprogram the rules, if it had already decided Daisy was family.

There Merlin was, descending into madness.

He looked at the chair for a second, then at Daisy, and sank down onto the chair with Daisy on his lap. “Ta,” she said.

Merlin blinked. “You’re welcome,” he said in return. That caught him off guard. Who had taught her that? Eggsy? Merlin scooted them further forward, until Daisy could lean forward and grip the oversized spoon in her fist, then start shoveling the cereal into her mouth.

They were really going to have to work on her table manners. Harry would have been appalled. She managed to get the spoon to her mouth about only half the time, the rest of the time spilling milk and bits of cereal all over the table. Yet she seemed to be having a blast, her eyes wide with delight and gleeful cackles distracting her from her meal every so often.

Merlin didn’t even mind when some of the milk got spilled on his slacks. He could change. Daisy having fun was more important, after all.

“I leave you two alone for two seconds.” Eggsy’s teasingly chiding voice startled Merlin, who flinched, causing Daisy to dump her latest spoonful on the leg of his slacks. He was dotted liberally with milk now, not that he particularly cared.

Eggsy walked into view, limping slightly on his walking cast. There was amusement on his face, the warmth that Merlin had only seen directed at Daisy. “That’s a bit sugary for her, bruv.”

Merlin frowned at him, but there was no bite behind it.

Eggsy laughed, then sank into the chair next to them. “You been getting Merlin all covered in cereal, Lazy Daisy?” he asked his little sister, his voice light and teasing.

“Eggy prat!” Daisy giggled, then shoved another spoonful of cereal into her mouth. Eggsy looked at Merlin, eyebrow arched. Merlin had a feeling he was going to see that expression a lot.

“I was talking about Harry,” Merlin offered as a defense. “He’s about ready to flee the medical team in Kentucky.”

Eggsy’s face lightened, the grin coming back. “Let’s get you cleaned up and out of those jimjams, okay?” he told Daisy, tickling her sides as he carefully picked her up off of Merlin’s lap, not caring when milk or cereal bits ran onto his clothes. She giggled against Eggsy and pressed a loud, smacking kiss to his cheek. Eggsy looked at her, mock-surprised, and returned the favor.

It was entirely different, seeing Eggsy like this. Uninhibited and relaxed in a way Merlin had never seen, except for glimpses of it with Daisy. If that was how Eggsy was going to be outside of the Mansion, Merlin was just going to have to lock himself in a room somewhere because he was ridiculously attractive. But he couldn’t, because Eggsy couldn’t look after Daisy by himself.

Fuck.

“Lanval says he’s ready to go when the hour’s half over,” Eggsy said, running the fingers of his bad arm up and down Daisy’s back. “Might want to go change.”

Merlin looked down at his milk-and-cereal covered slacks, and chuckled. “We’ll meet back here.” He turned to look at Eggsy, this time with his face solemn. Eggsy held his eyes. “Aye?”

Eggsy swallowed, able to hold Merlin’s gaze for just a few seconds. “Yeah, all right.”

Merlin left the room, hoping that Eggsy would still be there when he got back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to be good and leave 24-ish hours between updates. But I'm not very good at being patient. Oops?
> 
> Next chapter kicks off the move.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last one I have written + beta-ed. Ch8 is written, just waiting on an edit from my beta. So that will probably be later this week. ;)
> 
> As an aside...I sort of put it in the warnings, but there's discussion of past child abuse, justification of such on a minor character's part, and the parental relationships in this world aren't...necessarily the best. So if you get fidgety with parents being justifying dickwaffles, you might want to check out the end notes for an fyi (to avoid spoilers).

Eggsy considered running for it, but not nearly as seriously as he thought he would. Instead he took Daisy back to where the shelves were with her belongings, located a matching set. “We’re gonna make you look fancy,” he told her, laying her down on the changing table. She didn’t feel wet, but one never knew.

“Fancy pantsy,” Daisy said, and it was the most complicated sentence he had heard out of her. Eggsy bit back the sadness, forced a smile back on his face. Daisy had started talking late, he knew that much. Could barely say  _ mama _ or  _ dada _ before he left for Kingsman training. The fact that she was talking at all was something of a miracle.

Was she behind? Probably. But there had been no chance to do anything with Dean around, and Dean didn’t give a flying fuck. Then Kingsman had happened, and it was Eggsy that wasn’t around.

Part of him hated himself for his decision, abandoning Daisy when he did. If he had been around more, if he had looked after Daisy more, would she be doing better?

Picking out clothes, he moved them both to the ground, standing Daisy up in front of him. “Want to help?” he asked, showing her the clothes.

“Elp,” Daisy said with a nod.

He really did need to call Michelle. He didn’t want to, but he needed to. It was easy enough to dress Daisy, get her settled on the ground surrounded by toys, and then stand up. She looked at him, alarmed. “I’m just gonna go make a phone call, okay?” He showed her the mobile. She looked at him suspiciously and then turned back to her toys, but Eggsy could see the way she kept an eye on him out of the corner of her eyes.

It was like being stabbed in the heart, seeing parts of him in his little sister. That wary cautiousness, the clinging to those you cared about in case they disappeared. But he couldn’t think about that now. Instead he moved towards the back of the room, far enough that Daisy probably couldn’t hear everything, but that he was close enough that he could watch her and she could see him. He leaned against Merlin’s desk for support, ensuring nothing was on.

He dialed Michelle’s number, tucked the phone to his ear. He was leaning his weight on his good foot, wishing he could tap his injured foot restlessly. Instead he drummed the fingers of his casted hand on his hip. Maybe he would have to find that sling Medical gave him what felt like ages ago.

The phone rang, and as it did, his mind wandered. It had been two days since he had picked Daisy up, two nights since Michelle had been wherever she was. Had she even gone home? If he went back to the flat, broke in again, would he find that anything had changed?

“Hello?” Michelle sounded tired when she picked up the phone.

Eggsy glanced at the clock; it was three in the afternoon. “Mum? It’s Eggsy.”

“Eggsy!” Michelle sounded delighted. “How are you? How’s Daisy?”

Eggsy sidestepped that like the land mine it was. Sometimes, lies were preferable to the truth. “We’re great, Mum. Daisy’s learning a lot at the shop, getting to help the tailors pick out fabric.”

“Oh that’s great.” And Michelle sounded genuine, too. But Eggsy had been fooled by that before. He swallowed thickly, not sure what to say next. Michelle beat him to it. “When are you bringing her home, love?”

A strong, strong part of him wanted to say never. But he couldn’t. That wasn’t fair. Maybe - although he doubted it - Michelle could get her shit together. “I dunno,” he said slowly.

“Been missing her, I have.” Michelle even sounded sad. “And you, for that matter.” She brightened up, he could hear it over the phone. “Why don’t you bring her by tomorrow evening for dinner? You could stay, we could catch up.”

Eggsy swallowed thickly. He had to ask a question that he knew he wouldn’t like the answer to. “Will Dean be there?”

There was the pause he expected on the other end of the line. He half-turned away from Daisy so she couldn’t see his face. This wasn’t her fight, damn it. He didn’t want her in the middle of it, but there she was. “He really didn’t mean it, Eggsy.” There was a pleading tone to her voice.

It was easy enough to close his eyes, see being held against the door, that cleaver against his neck. Harry’s voice, interrupting. It wouldn’t have been the first time Dean had hurt him. Maybe it would have been the worst. At least Mum had tried to stop Dean that time. He cleared his throat, dragging himself out of the memory. “Are you sure he should be around Daisy, Mum?” It was probably not the right thing to ask, but he didn’t care.

“Are you saying it isn’t good for her father to be around her?” Michelle sounded angry.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said frankly. “What he did to me, he’ll do to Daisy.” He was treading on thin ice and he didn’t care. His mother had pushed his limits far enough, and yeah, she was family, but Daisy was, too.

“I expect Daisy to be dropped off at six pm sharp tomorrow,” Michelle said, her voice icy. “We’ll talk about your behavior then. You may have moved out, Gary Unwin, but you are still my son.”

Eggsy hung up before he could respond to that. He closed his eyes, his heart racing.  _ If only that mattered shit _ . He didn’t want to say the words out loud, because Daisy would hear. She could probably tell he was upset, that something had gone wrong, but it was hard to calm down. Especially after last night. Fuck.

He scrubbed a hand through his hair, dropped his mobile on the floor without a second glance. It clattered loudly over the sound of Daisy talking to her toys, babbling something Eggsy could only half understand. He didn’t even want to look at his mobile, think about what it represented. He didn’t have a choice but to take Daisy home. Legally, Daisy was in Michelle’s custody, in Dean’s. It was never something he had paid attention to before. It made him sick to his stomach, thinking about it. Taking Daisy away from her Mum.

Hope was the worst, Eggsy knew from experience. And he had been hoping that Michelle would change for long enough.

Bile rose in his throat, so he turned and headed towards the kitchenette as casually as he could, taking out a bottle of water and taking a drink. It tasted sour, but he didn’t care. Part of him wanted to punch the wall, throw something. But he couldn’t. Daisy was a few meters away and watching, ever present.

He took another drink, trying to let the fury simmer down, instead of its threatening to come to a boil. It would have been so easy to throw Michelle’s words in her face. The bruises had faded, but the scars remained. Dean had even broken his arm once, a vicious type of break that took forever to heal. Spiral fracture, or something.

_ He didn’t mean it. _

The words rang in his head, over and over, until he was swimming in them.

“Didn’t go well, eh?” Merlin’s voice caught him off guard, but Eggsy was too tired to react.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said dully. He forced himself to take a deep breath, to take another sip of water as a defense mechanism.

_ He didn’t mean it. _

He gritted his teeth together. A warm hand settled on his shoulder, and for a split second he almost grabbed Merlin’s arm and flipped him over (or attempted to, anyways). But that urge passed, and the dangerous part of the tension faded from his body. He was still on edge, but it was easier to focus on Merlin’s hand on his shoulder, the warmth of the connection. It wasn’t enough, it wasn’t nearly enough, but Eggsy would content himself with it. Whether he wanted more from Merlin or not, nothing was going to happen.

“What did she say?” Merlin’s tone was casual, but Eggsy could feel something darker underneath it.

He shivered, pulling gently out of Merlin’s touch and going and scooping Daisy up, cuddling her close. She looked at him, yawned, and settled her head on his shoulder. Maybe she could tell his heart was racing. Maybe she couldn’t. “Gonna go drop miss Daisy off tomorrow evening.” He couldn’t make the words as cheerful as he wanted them to be.

_ He didn’t mean it _ .

It was a struggle to stay still, to keep holding Daisy. He wanted to break, wanted to cry. His mother was supposed to love him, protect him, but she didn’t. She didn’t look out for him, and she wouldn’t look out for Daisy, either.

He cradled her closer, kissed the top of her head.

“Ready to go?” Merlin kept his voice nondescript, like it was just another day at work. Like he couldn’t tell something was wrong from the way Eggsy held his sister, from the way his shoulders sank. Eggsy was smarter than that.

He closed his eyes, swiped roughly at them with the back of his palm. There was no wetness, thank God. “Yeah.” His voice was rougher than he wanted it to be, but it didn’t break. “Do I need to grab anything?” He turned to look at the things Daisy had gathered in her short time at the mansion.

“Is there anything of particularly sentimental value?” Merlin asked evenly.

“A couple things.” They were toys Michelle or Eggsy had gotten Daisy, or ones that Eggsy had passed down to Daisy when she was born. Merlin picked them up when pointed out, tucked them into a laptop-style bag that Eggsy hadn’t seen before. It was perched on his desk, sleek, black, and deceptively normal. “What’s that?” Eggsy looked at it, suspicious.

“Work,” Merlin answered. “Anything else?”

Eggsy swallowed despite the lump in his throat. He wasn’t nervous about moving in with Merlin, not really.

Well, that was sort of a lie. He was worried. But Merlin had seen him break already, so theoretically Merlin wouldn’t kick him out of Kingsman if anything else happened. Maybe just if he decided Eggsy was too broken to fix. Eggsy wouldn’t blame him, not really, but there was no way he was going to give up the second thing in his life that had given him purpose.

The first was currently folded up against his chest, her breathing quiet and deep. She was passed out. He couldn’t afford to lose both of them. He  _ refused  _ to let that happen.

**

The car had been more spacious than Eggsy had anticipated, more comfortable than the Kingsman taxis, even. Picked to blend in, Lanval had said. Eggsy just looked doubtful. No matter what it looked like, it screamed money. It was probably the poshest car he’d ever been in, easily.

A child seat had been strapped into one of the back sides, and Merlin opened the right door so Eggsy could strap his sister into it. She didn’t wake up, much to his amusement. Eggsy sat in the back with her, Merlin sat up front with Lanval.

They finally stopped in front of a small house, probably two hours later. Eggsy had spent most of the time sleeping, shaking off some of the residual adrenaline that exhausted him. The house was two stories, detached, with a proper roof, ivy curling around its walls and the decorative fencing. There was grass running amok all around it, like it hadn’t been tended in quite some time.

When Eggsy leaned forward so he could see Merlin, Merlin merely looked thoughtful. “I don’t get here much,” he said, as if it wasn’t the understatement of the century.

Eggsy turned his attention towards getting Daisy out of her car seat. It was late in the afternoon for a nap, and it was nearing dinnertime, so sleeping that night was going to be a crapshoot. But maybe she was tired enough from everything he would get lucky. They stood just outside the house. Merlin was talking to Lanval, and Eggsy was peering at Daisy. She had his jacket wrapped in her tiny fist, as if she was afraid Eggsy was going to leave even in her sleep.

It broke his heart, to think of taking her back to Michelle tomorrow. But there was no way around it, was there? He wasn’t desperate enough to ask Merlin. Michelle wasn’t the best parent, but surely, surely she would keep an eye on Daisy.

Or was Eggsy giving her too much credit? There was a bitter taste in his mouth when Merlin directed them inside, pointing to the stairs and where Eggsy/Daisy’s room was. There was a crib up against the nearest wall, a small child’s bed with high rails next to it. Then there was a full-size bed, against the far wall. The room was bigger than Eggsy had expected, with its own personal bathroom. When he had turned to look at Merlin, Merlin had just shrugged, then headed towards his office, saying he would be back later.

Eggsy had, of course, taken a few minutes with Daisy to snoop. The entire upstairs seemed to consist of the three large rooms. No wonder they were so big. “Let’s get you some dinner,” he told Daisy, who giggled sleepily and gave him a kiss.

“Fish fish,” she told Eggsy solemnly.

“Fish it is.” At least that was easier to clean up than the cereal had been.

It felt dangerously domestic to make her dinner, clean her up, give her a bath in the overly large tub and dress her in snug pajamas. Merlin kept his home warm enough that they weren’t shivering, which was nice, given that it was chilly outside. Eggsy was sitting on his bed, reading a story to a sleepy Daisy, when there was a knock on the door.

“Mewin!” Daisy shouted, suddenly much too awake.

Eggsy just looked at her. “Inside voice,” he chided.

“Mewin,” Daisy repeated in a whisper.

“Close enough.” Eggsy grinned. “Yeah?”

The door opened just a crack at first, then more. Merlin stood there, dressed as impeccably as he always was. “I want to go over the security measures in this room, when you’re free.” The words sounded awkward, like Merlin had been trying to phrase it differently but couldn’t figure out how to.

Eggsy had to think that through a few times. “Like what?” He shifted Daisy slightly so that she was more firmly on his lap, let her hold the book with both hands.

“Mewin.” Daisy sounded chiding. Eggsy bit back a laugh; it was almost exactly the way Eggsy talked to Daisy when she was misbehaving.

Merlin blinked.

“She wants you to say hello,” Eggsy explained.

“Say hello,” Daisy said with a nod.

Something suspiciously close to happiness flashed over Merlin’s face before it disappeared, but he did let the warmth linger in his eyes as he stood and walked over to them, sinking on the bed next to Eggsy. “Hello, Miss Daisy.”

Daisy wriggled out of Eggsy’s lap and plonked herself down on Merlin’s, almost overbalancing and falling off the bed. Merlin caught her, his long arms wrapping around her. “Read.” She looked at him, expectant.

Eggsy stifled a laugh into the back of his hand. “Read her a bedtime story,” he explained. He rifled through the books on the bed, picked one Daisy had liked and gave it to him. “She likes this one. Especially if you do voices.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow at Eggsy, apparently his primary commentary, before he shifted on the bed to let Daisy settle against him, the book held in his too-big hands on Daisy’s lap.

Eggsy didn’t quite flee, but he did get off the bed before his body could really take in the image of the gruff Scotsman sitting patiently on the bed with Daisy in his lap, reading a book about Peppa Pig. The pain that still throbbed under his skin was a pretty good deterrent from sporting a hard-on, but Merlin just looked infuriatingly sexy. Apparently Eggsy had a domestic kink.

Bugger.

Instead he walked over to Daisy’s crib, poking around so he could see what Merlin had been talking about. There was a thick pad at the bottom of the crib, underneath the mattress pad. He poked it, curious, surprised to feel it bounce back, almost like memory foam. There was a wire leading from its back, which he followed down underneath the crib to other wires.

Those he traced to a camera clipped onto her crib, a camera facing the child bed. There was a baby monitor on the changing table near her crib, and what Eggsy was fairly certain was a microphone was down on the slats next to the head of the crib.

Eggsy rocked back on his heels, speechless. None of the cameras overlapped his bed, or the loo, or anything. But they were perfect for keeping an eye on Daisy, seeing if she woke up, if she had a nightmare, in case Eggsy wanted to leave the room.

A swell of warmth threatened to punch Eggsy in the chest, to make his ribs throb, and he shoved it down. Fucking hell. Merlin had only know Daisy a couple days and this was everything he had done for her, for Eggsy. Michelle had known Eggsy his whole life, Daisy hers, and she…

Some things were financial constraints, yeah. But it had been Eggsy getting up in the middle of the night when Daisy had a nightmare, when Dean complained that Michelle had abandoned him again to tend to the “whining brat”. It was Eggsy who rocked Daisy until she stopped crying, shushing her as quietly as he could so Dean didn’t come yell at both of them.

He had never felt so helpless in his life. He turned to look at Daisy, who was starting to doze against Merlin’s chest, one hand on the book and the other gripping Merlin’s jumper-clad arm. Merlin continued to read, his voice a steady rumble, occasionally pausing to press his cheek against the crown of Daisy’s head in that way that parents did, the reassuring, I’m-here affection that children deserved.

What Eggsy needed, at the moment, was copious amounts of alcohol. More specifically, to consume those copious amounts in a room away from Merlin, because Eggsy didn’t get drunk often. When he got tipsy, he got chatty. And that had been and would be dangerous. Instead, he’d learned to skirt the line of vaguely buzzed. But tonight, he wanted to smash his way over the line until he could wipe out the image now burned into his retina. It wasn’t an option.

More than one beer or one glass was out of the question, and he knew it. He didn’t want Daisy to bother Merlin, to interfere with the work he surely had to do. As it was, Eggsy felt like they were encroaching on Merlin’s time. Eggsy had to stay sober to keep an eye on Daisy, to ensure Merlin didn’t regret his decision.

“I think she’s asleep,” Merlin said, his voice a low, soothing rumble.

Eggsy looked at the both of them, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Daisy was indeed asleep, her mouth open and drool starting to run down the side of her mouth.

“May I?” Eggsy asked, coming closer and gesturing towards Daisy. It wasn’t the first time he had picked her up out of someone’s lap, but it was the first time it had been Merlin’s.

“Of course.” Merlin shifted slightly, obviously uncertain of what was required of him.

Eggsy slid his hands under Daisy’s armpits, ignoring the way his fingers brushed Merlin’s chest, before carefully lifting her up and settling her head in the crook of his neck, holding her securely against him with his casted arm supporting her back. That probably was more painful than it should have been - lifting someone without being able to move your thumb sucked - but it was done.

Then he walked over to the crib, carefully got the edge down so he could lean in and place Daisy inside. It was deep enough that she could stand and see, but not that she could climb over, hopefully. He smoothed some of her damp hair off her forehead, tested the limits of his flexibility to give her one final kiss. Then he fixed the crib edge back up, tucked the blanket around her. Stepped back, almost stepping on Merlin’s feet.

Eggsy was quite grateful for the fact he didn’t make much noise when he was startled. Waking Daisy would have sucked. “Here,” Merlin said, offering him an electronic tablet, about the size of a book.

Eggsy took it from him, glancing down at it and then staring. There were multiple windows on it. One was tracing Daisy’s vitals, two were the crib cameras - one close, one far. Another measured the noise input of the room, Eggsy could see it spike when Merlin spoke, explaining things. The pad underneath the mattress was to track her vitals. The monitor was wired to the security system, set to detect various levels of input. Eggsy would get alerts if she moved, if she stood. If the pressure distribution changed.

Part of Eggsy felt sick to his stomach. There was no way he could afford this. There was no way he could ever repay Merlin for everything he had done. He didn’t want to fuck anyone as payment anymore. He’d sworn that off when he entered Kingsman, and honestly, he doubted Merlin would ask for it anyway. Merlin had morals. Eggsy hoped.

Eggsy had money now, and even the injury pay was pretty good. But this? This went beyond money. Eggsy could -  _ would _ \- spend the rest of his life repaying Merlin for it and never even come close.

“Let’s go downstairs,” Merlin said evenly. “You look like you could use a drink.”

Eggsy forced himself to take a deep, ragged breath, and followed, casting one last look at Daisy before closing the door softly behind him.

**

Merlin didn’t wait for Eggsy to follow, instead stepping lightly down the stairs and heading to the small study off of the kitchen. He kept most of his alcohol there, and after the events of the day, he needed a drink.

He poured them both a scotch, headed back towards the living room and waited. Eggsy appeared not long after, looking - drained was the best descriptor. Exhausted was the other. “Ta,” Eggsy said, taking it without asking what it was.

Eggsy’s gaze swept the living room as if assessing it, before he settled in the armchair closest to the corner, the one that afforded him the best view of the room. Part of Merlin wondered if Eggsy was even conscious of the fact he did that, or if it had just been part of his normal for so long it didn’t even occur to him.

Merlin sat in another armchair not too far away. Giving Eggsy space, but ensuring he could keep an eye on him. Eggsy crossed his good ankle over the bad leg, propping the tablet up with his bad hand so he could sip the scotch with his good one. His eyes were glued to the screen, and there was something on his face that Merlin didn’t like.

There was a lot about what had happened that Merlin didn’t like. He probably should have been ashamed of his eavesdropping tendencies, but voyeurism sort of came with the job. One of his microphones attached to his work computer had picked up Eggsy’s conversation with Michelle, and it had been simple enough to hack her phone company and get the proper records.

It took all his self-control to not grip the glass more tightly when he thought about it. How could she say that shite?  _ He didn’t mean it.  _ Those words were going to haunt Merlin for ages. And yeah, technically it was violating Eggsy’s trust. But he hadn’t listened (entirely) for Eggsy - he was looking after Daisy now, too. Whether he and Eggsy ever became a thing or not, he was invested in her welfare.

He rewound that train of thought. He and Eggsy would indeed not be a thing. But Daisy was still important.

Eggsy took a sip of the scotch, staring blearily in front of him. The tablet was still close, but he wasn’t staring at it as intently.

“I heard your conversation with Michelle,” Merlin said, figuring he’d start with the worst. He could be more cautious, ask more carefully, but it was easier to state what he thought. What he meant.

Eggsy blanched, then quickly recovered. Merlin could see the tenseness in the corner of his lips. His guards were up, but not nearly as high as usual. “Sorry bout that.” His jaw was set, clenched tightly.

“I meant what I said,” Merlin said calmly. When Eggsy looked at him, his brow creased, Merlin smiled faintly. “I’ll come with you to make sure Daisy is okay.”

Eggsy hesitated, looked away. Swirled the scotch glass in his good hand. “This is good,” he said, nodding to it.

Merlin nodded in return, let Eggsy change the subject.

Eggsy stared at the swirling scotch, seemingly lost in it. There was something fragile to his expression, something that made Merlin want to gather him close and protect him. But he couldn’t. “I don’t want to take her back.” The words were halting, like he hadn’t meant to say them but they burst out anyway.

“I know,” Merlin said softly, not sure what else to say. Should he suggest answers? Was that overstepping? Did it really fucking matter, when Daisy’s safety was on the line? “I could remove Dean from the picture,” Merlin said cautiously.

Eggsy looked up at him, surprised. “You could do that?”

Merlin looked down at his glass, took a sip. “Harry gave me the evidence he had on Dean.” He looked at Eggsy out of the corner of his eyes, saw his face turn white. He knew what Merlin was talking about, then. 

Eggsy looked away. “Would that really change anything?” He sounded defeated.

“It could.” That was the best Merlin could offer. He knew Michelle’s record, had tracked it. He knew the odds.

Eggsy was quiet for a long while. He cleared his throat. “Don’t eavesdrop on me, it’s ungentlemanly.” There was an angry set to his lips, but he didn’t look at Merlin.

Merlin leaned back in his chair. “Eggsy, look at me.”

Eggsy did, a spark of anger in his eyes. “I have the right to privacy -”

“You do,” Merlin said smoothly, cutting him off. Eggsy opened his mouth to retort, so Merlin continued. “I didn’t listen to that conversation for you.” Eggsy closed his mouth. “I listened for Daisy.”

Eggsy’s eyes flickered to the tablet in his lap, something softening in his expression.

“She’s a good lass, and no child deserves to be treated…” Merlin trailed off, not sure how to finish it.

“Like I was.” The words were so soft Merlin almost didn’t hear them, as if Eggsy was speaking to himself instead of being conscious about saying the words out loud. He shook his head slightly, as if banishing the thought, then cleared his throat as if that changed anything. “I looked after her,” he said finally. “Even when she was little.”

It took all of Merlin’s self control to just sit and listen, not letting his face or his body expressions change at all. He knew the moment he reacted, Eggsy would shut down.

“Dean didn’t like Michelle leaving at night, and Dais was in my room.” He closed his eyes, then opened them again. “She’s been safe from the worst, as far as I know.” A tired smile quirked at the corner of his lips. That did confuse Merlin. Why was he smiling? It didn’t seem like a genuine smile, maybe more a sardonic one.

Merlin leaned forward, very aware of the weight of what he was about to say. “Do you want custody of Daisy?”

Eggsy looked at him, surprise flashing across his face. “What?”

Merlin had done some Googling while he had been pretending to work. “There’s a Special Guardianship order that would appoint you her parental rights, given her birth parents are deemed unfit.”

Eggsy opened and closed his mouth like a fish. “You could do that?”

Merlin just looked at him, raised an eyebrow.

Eggsy looked chagrined. “Of course you can.”

There wasn’t much Merlin couldn’t do. Something beeped, and Eggsy’s eyes flickered down to the tablet. Merlin had all of the feeds on his office computers, and on his personal tablet, but he had neither of them with him at the moment. Then Eggsy’s face smoothed out, and Merlin let himself relax. Maybe Daisy had just been shifting in her sleep, or it was something else. If Eggsy wasn’t alarmed, Merlin wouldn’t be.

Eggsy was quiet for a long while, without looking at Merlin. He sipped the scotch on occasion, his gaze drifting to the tablet. It was almost a surprise when he finally looked at Merlin, met his eyes. “Why?”

“Why what?” It could be a long list.

Eggsy swallowed, Merlin could see his throat bob. “Why do everything you did?” He waved his hand with the now-empty glass. “The cameras, the monitors. Fucking expensive, those are.”

Well, that was the advantage of basically hoarding all of his salary for the past twenty years and doing nothing fun. Merlin had a lot of disposable income. “I wanted to.”

“But why?” There was a fire behind Eggsy’s eyes.

Merlin studied him, letting his head tilt to the side as he tried to decipher what was underneath. The words didn’t mean what he said, Merlin knew that much for certain. He just wasn’t certain what they did mean, what sort of answer Eggsy was looking for. “I believe you are a young man with great potential,” Merlin said finally. He had been listening, when Harry had brought Eggsy to Kingsman. “You’re loyal to those you care for. Unerringly so.”

Eggsy’s cheeks flushed, just slightly.

Merlin let out a sigh. “I won’t ask, I won’t pry. But I know there’s been some obstacles in your life.” He heard Eggsy snort, mutter something like ‘fucking understatement’. “I want to give you the best chance at making this career a long, fulfilling one.” He met Eggsy’s eyes. “You’re a good person, Eggsy, and so is Daisy. You deserve everything you haven’t had and more.”

Well, that was not the smartest thing he could have said. Rather played his hand. Merlin wisely set down the glass of scotch. It was only his second, but already he was going to have to be careful.

Eggsy scrutinized him, seemingly taking in every aspect of Merlin’s face. There was something stormy in his eyes, something dark. It wasn’t directed at Merlin, no. It was directed towards Eggsy himself. Not entirely unexpected. What Merlin wasn’t certain of was how deep the feelings went. Self-loathing could fall into multiple categories, present in multiple different ways.

“Ta for the drink,” Eggsy said finally, standing and putting the half-empty glass on the small table next to his armchair. “Tired, so gonna go to bed. Night.”

“Goodnight, Eggsy.” Merlin nodded to him, not moving. Not wanting Eggsy to feel pressured, like Merlin was going to follow him upstairs. Instead he watched as Eggsy made his way to the stairs, the tablet in his good hand. Then he hesitated, turned back towards Merlin. The expression was breathtakingly close to one he’d seen on Eggsy the night he had fled. Merlin made a note to prime the security cameras, the door alarms.

Eggsy cleared his throat. “You’ve got it wrong,” he said, the words just loud enough to carry.

“Do I?” Merlin said, keeping the same tone.

Eggsy’s eyes were hard when they met Merlin’s. “I’m not a good person.” With that he turned and headed up the stairs, not waiting for Merlin’s reply.

Merlin poured himself a finger of scotch, knocked it back and focused on the burn. Rage burned inside him, thrumming through his veins. He wanted to find whoever had hurt Eggsy that bad and rip them to pieces. He would never get caught. The body (or what was left of it) would never be found. But the diplomatic part of him knew that wasn’t the way to handle things.

They were going to have to talk again tomorrow, before Daisy was due to return to Michelle’s. The Special Guardianship Order would take documentation, both of information the police had and information they didn’t. Merlin scrubbed a hand across his face. Would Eggsy agree? He didn’t know. Was he doing the right thing? That was the other question.

Parents made mistakes. Was he judging Michelle too harshly?

Eggsy’s voice flashed through his mind.  _ You can’t talk to me like that _ , in the bar to Harry, who was judging him _. Because my Mum went mental, bangin on about losin’ me as well as my dad. _ Hearing the sound of Dean slapping him, yelling. How he had held his ground when Dean tried to get him to sell Harry out? How many times had Michelle held Lee’s loss over Eggsy’s head, tried to guilt him with it? How many times had Dean used it?

Merlin scrubbed his hand over his mouth, leaned back in the chair. It was probably overstepping, what he wanted to do. What he was going to do. Even if there had been a chance of something with Eggsy, he was going to ruin it by crossing those boundaries. He looked at Eggsy’s glass, at the stairs, where he knew Daisy was sleeping. Eggsy, ever-present, by her side. It was worth it.

He stood, leaving the glass behind and heading straight up to his office. If the documentation needed to be done for tomorrow, he had to get started now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy's conversation with Michelle = not the greatest if you've dealt with these sorts of things. Michelle forgives Dean, sort of, for what he's done to Eggsy.
> 
> On the bright side, there's some good relationship progress next chapter. ;) So I'll leave you teased with that!
> 
> As an aside - off topic; I'd like to write more Merwin but after outlining four fiction books, my brain is fried. What sort of (probably long-ish) Merwin fics would you like to see? What are your favorite tropes that are desperately underrepresented, especially in this pairing? It's been so long since I wrote something short that I'm not sure if I could. :p


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have some relationship progress...and a step in the right direction. Dunno how much longer they can dance in circles. Not much. ;)
> 
> Also, this has one of my favorite Harry/Merlin scenes. I love writing those two.
> 
> OH there's background, background mentions of Harry/Percival. Just fyi.

Eggsy laid in bed, staring at the tablet he rested on his chest. It hurt, yeah. The tablet poked in just the wrong spots. But the pain flare was nice, distracting. He couldn’t even think about how long it had been since V-day. A week? Two?

Daisy snored in her crib, something Eggsy could both see and hear on the tablet. Her vitals looked good. She looked happy, or as much as one could in their sleep. Eggsy gripped the tablet tighter, stared up at the ceiling. Merlin’s words floated in his mind. Special Guardianship Order. He could make it so that Daisy didn’t have to go home, back to Michelle.

Was that his right? He winced as he sat up, propping his back against the wall. He could see Daisy from there. Well, her crib at least. Grabbing the tablet, Eggsy reassured himself by watching her chest rise and fall. She was asleep. He didn’t know how many minutes he lost, just watching her.

“Fuck,” he whispered, as quietly as he could. Would getting custody of her really be that much of a change from how it had been? Eggsy had done most of the parenting. Michelle had when it was convenient, when Dean didn’t stop her. Dean had nothing to do with Daisy, unless it was convenient or he needed something to lord over Eggsy’s head.

He looked down at the tablet, watched her breathe, her body so peaceful in sleep. Made his decision.

Eggsy stood and took the tablet with him as he left the room, closing the door nearly silently behind him. He wasn’t entirely certain which room was Merlin’s office, so he knocked on the one further away. Didn’t speak, just stood there. He wasn’t certain what he was going to say, anyway.

The door opened almost as quietly as his bedroom one had closed, Merlin standing there. Merlin looked at him, eyes sweeping up and down, and then he stepped aside, going back to his computer desk. Eggsy followed him in, closing the door behind him to Merlin’s nod. There was a chair near the wall across from the door, so Eggsy sank down in that, familiar with the way his ribs would hurt.

Merlin tapped a few things, his screens dimming, before he turned around to look at Eggsy.

It was too difficult to meet Merlin’s eyes, not with what he wanted to ask, so he looked at the screens instead. One of the ones to the far right modeled Eggsy’s tablet, having Daisy’s cameras and vitals. As exhausted as he was, Eggsy couldn’t help a faint smile. Merlin really did care about her.

“I want the guardianship thing.” The words felt heavy as they left his mouth, but he couldn’t take them back once he said them. He didn’t _want_ to take them back.

“I thought you might,” Merlin said, half turning towards his computer. “I have the evidence prepared to submit with the order. The waiting period will be expedited. We should have approval by the afternoon.”

Eggsy sat there, stunned. “Just like that?” Merlin had obviously been preparing for it. Eggsy felt a flash of anger. Did it really count as an invasion of his privacy, though? Merlin was doing it for Daisy.

“Just like that,” Merlin confirmed. His eyes were steady, the warmth there prickling uncomfortably under Eggsy’s skin.

It was easy to say it didn’t matter, the affection Eggsy felt for him. But it did. The hope that was starting to build was nearly painful. His eyes lingered on Merlin’s mouth, wandered to his hands, tried to appear nonchalant. At four in the morning, it was easier said than done.

Merlin didn’t speak, just watched.

Eggsy swallowed thickly, uncomfortable with the heat simmering under his skin. He was the one to break the eye contact, look back down at the tablet. His heart was racing, and he was breathing too fast. He was so far gone for Merlin, it was ridiculous. And all of this wasn’t helping. The sane part of him knew it wasn’t real, knew that there had to be something Merlin was getting out of it and the moment it appeared, everything was going to fall apart. Merlin had only seen the easy part of Eggsy being broken.

All he wanted to do was stand up, go over to him, and kiss him. Surely it could be that easy. But it wasn’t.

He forced himself to take a deep breath, to close his eyes until his breathing was under control. When he opened his eyes again, he didn’t look directly at Merlin, instead looking to the side. The first thing he checked was the tablet, checking on Daisy. Nothing had changed. Not surprising, but it let some of the tension fade out of his muscles. He shifted in his chair, grimacing at the pain it caused his ribs.

“Do you need anything?” Merlin asked, his voice soft enough that it didn’t break whatever was hanging in the air.

Eggsy shook his head. He didn’t take his eyes off the tablet. His chest felt like it was crushing down, his fingers were twitching against the tablet. It was that energy he was ever-familiar with, surging around under his skin and threatening to destroy him.

“Eggsy.” It was a gentle command, one Eggsy could listen to or not. “Look at me.”

Eggsy desperately wanted to believe what Merlin said was true. That he was good, that he would make it. That he had _potential_. But it went against so much of what he had been told before, the truths he had internalized. Maybe it was stupidity that made him lift his gaze, maybe it was hope. Whatever it was, Eggsy could deal with it later. There was a warmth, a heat, in Merlin’s eyes that turned to liquid need in Eggsy’s stomach. He could almost feel the ghost of Merlin’s lips against his forehead. Maybe that hadn’t been a hypothermia-induced dream.

It took all of his willpower to keep his arse in that chair, to not get up and go snog Merlin senseless. But he stayed there.

A slight crease formed between Merlin’s brows, his eyes intent on Eggsy’s face, as if he was trying to figure out what was on Eggsy’s mind.

Eggsy looked away again, cleared his throat. His fingers were shaking slightly, his head starting to get fuzzy. It was so easy, sometimes, to reduce feelings down to the physical. Kissing Merlin would be the easiest bit. Sex was sex, it was easy to understand. Mechanical. Not shutting his feelings off would be the hardest bit. He couldn’t think of the last time he had had sex with someone for the sake of it. Never? Maybe.

Why was he going down that train of thought? It wasn’t applicable. It wasn’t relevant.

“What do I have to do?” Eggsy asked finally. It wasn’t what he wanted to say, wasn’t even the right topic, but it was a safe one. “For the guardianship thing.” Clarification was necessary.

There was a hint of a smile at the corner of Merlin’s lips, then he turned back to his computer screen. “Not much.” He scrolled through something, Eggsy could see the screen moving. “The documentation has been submitted through the appropriate channels. It’s just waiting to hear for sure.”

Eggsy stared at him. It couldn’t be that easy. Merlin had to be pulling strings, had to be manipulating something. Gratefulness warred with fear. Did he owe Merlin now? Of course he did. He owed Merlin for everything, from Kingsman training, to V-day, to now. It was a debt he would never repay.

“Do I have to -” The words clogged in his throat. Shit. He gripped the tablet with his casted arm, held the arm of the chair with his good arm. He wasn’t going to fall to pieces, not again. “Do I have to take Daisy back to -” He didn’t even want to say their names. There was no way Michelle was going to talk to him again, not after this.

“No.” Merlin turned back towards him, his gaze ever-assessing in a way that was both comforting and terrifying. Part of Eggsy liked that Merlin paid such close attention to him, to Daisy. It showed he cared.

He didn’t want to completely cut Michelle out of Daisy’s life. If Michelle could get her act together, he wanted Daisy to know her. He just didn’t think it was likely. Daisy’s safety was paramount, and as long as Michelle wouldn’t leave Dean, he wouldn’t leave Daisy alone with her.

The thought made him sick to his stomach. He sat the tablet to the side, his breath coming shorter and harsher than he would have liked. What kind of person was he, stealing a child away from her mother? Even if that mother hadn’t ever really been one, not in the truest sense of the world. Michelle had provided the bare minimum, and even that had faded when Dean had came into her life.

He didn’t want Daisy to face the same decisions he did. He didn’t want her to end up hating herself, dealing with the repercussions of things she couldn’t even control. If that meant keeping her from her mother, from the pathway Eggsy knew she was heading down - he would do it. Even if it meant losing what was left of his family.

He rubbed his forehead with his fingers, scrubbed his good hand through his sweat-damp hair. He felt clammy, itchy underneath his skin in a way that couldn’t be appeased. “Shit,” he muttered, then winced. Merlin wasn’t far away. Merlin was paying attention. Eggsy kept his gaze on the ground, Merlin’s polished Oxfords in view.

“Is there anything I can do?” Merlin kept his voice even, almost detached, and it was comforting in a way Eggsy didn’t want to think about. But his brain didn’t listen. It played Merlin’s words in his mind, over and over. The detached tone made him feel warm inside. No matter what, Merlin was there. He didn’t judge. He hadn’t judged Eggsy after his breakdown, instead took care of him, took care of Daisy.

He could still picture coming back into the lab room, seeing Merlin with Daisy on his lap, covered in sugary cereal and milk. He could see Merlin with Daisy in his lap, reading her a bedtime story and doing the voices when prompted.

It was so domestic Eggsy felt like he was going to puke. It was strange, when he got like this, his brain fuzzy and his body racing like it was in a fight. He had never really gotten like this, not around another person. When he was younger, he could isolate himself. Living at home, he could take Daisy on a walk. Find new hiding places where Rotty and his mates couldn’t find him, couldn’t tattle on him to Dean.

The attacks had mostly disappeared during training. Life was easier. Do what you were told, when you were told, and it gave him a sense of purpose. Now that job that had helped him so much was gone, at least temporarily, because his body couldn’t handle it.

None of that answered Merlin’s question. There was something he could do, but there was no way in hell Eggsy was going to ask for it. No way he was going to allow Merlin to give it. “Nah, thanks.” The words felt grating on his throat, but he got them out. He sat where he was, not letting himself move. He didn’t want to leave, either. No matter whether he was honest with Merlin or not, there was something comforting about being around him, even if he felt like he was falling apart.

The fact he could see Daisy on the monitor, be maybe five meters away from her - that was a bonus. He knew she was safe.

There was something comforting, wrapping yourself around another human being. Bonus when that person was six foot something, Scottish, and named Merlin. Well, in this case, anyway. It was a luxury Eggsy didn’t afford himself. Vulnerability wasn’t okay.

Or was it? He was safe, where he was. Daisy was, too. Maybe he could ask. Maybe Merlin would say yes.

But why would he say yes? Did he feel like Eggsy owed him? Or was it actually something he wanted? Merlin had to be going mental, with the way Eggsy’s mind kept spinning even when he said very little. Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he didn’t care, wasn’t paying attention. Or maybe it didn’t bother him.

“Anything said is kept in confidence,” Merlin said.

Eggsy looked at him, this time his face creasing in confusion. Where did that come from? “Does that mean other things weren’t?” He wasn’t sure if he was joking or not.

He couldn’t quite decipher the look on Merlin’s face. “Of course not.” It was almost amusement, except with something more serious to it. “I meant what I said, Eggsy. If you ever need to talk, my office is open.”

For a second Eggsy considered taking him up on that offer. They would be there for like, three days with all the talking he would do, but. He looked down at his knuckles, still slightly torn from the night before. It was like his insides were twisted in a knot. Could he trust Merlin? Could he not? Was there some sort of hidden meaning in his actions? Was he expecting something from Eggsy?

“What are you thinking?” Merlin had apparently decided to take things into his own hands. Or mouth, so to speak.

Well that wasn’t the best train of thought. Eggsy would have crossed his legs, if only the cast wasn’t in the way and the action wouldn’t have drawn more attention.

Eggsy toyed with his lower lip, finally meeting Merlin’s eyes again. There was a flare of heat there, something that was unmistakably lust, before it disappeared again. That did give Eggsy pause. Did he address it now? Did he ignore it?

“I still don’t understand why,” Eggsy said finally.

“Why I’ve done all of this?” Merlin nodded towards towards the door to the rest of the house.

“Yeah.” Part of Eggsy braced himself for the answer. He’d seen that look in Merlin’s eyes, he knew what it meant, what it represented.

Merlin leaned back in his chair, crossed one leg over the other. “What do you think it is?”

Eggsy opened his mouth, then shut it, frowned. “That’s not fair.”

“I can’t address what worries you unless I know what it is,” Merlin pointed out, far too reasonably for four am.

“Do you ever sleep?” Eggsy asked.

Merlin’s lips twitched into a wry smile. “On occasion.” He looked expectantly at Eggsy, waiting.

Eggsy considered waiting him out. He could keep his mouth shut forever, if he wanted to. Instead he held Merlin’s eyes, ignoring how hard his heart was racing. “What do you want from me?”

Confusion, then understanding dawned in Merlin’s face, and the set of his lips tensed, almost like he was angry. Was he angry Eggsy had figured out what he was looking for? Angry at the suggestion?

“You owe me absolutely nothing,” Merlin said firmly. “Eggsy, look at me.”

Eggsy had turned away. Reluctantly, carefully, he looked back.

“I don’t want anything from you.” Merlin paused, considered that. “Nothing in exchange for what I’ve done.”

So there was something as an exception, even if it wasn’t related. A distant part of Eggsy noted that down for later pondering. “Why?” He was expecting to see irritation, but instead he just saw understanding.

This time Merlin looked away, and Eggsy slotted a couple of the pieces together. Or he thought he did, anyway. Maybe he was wrong. Merlin wanted him, in the _biblical_ sense. Eggsy couldn’t help a faint smirk at the memory from training. Was that why he was doing everything he did, trying to win Eggsy’s favor?

A distant part of Eggsy pointed out that even if that wasn’t the case, there wasn’t really a way for Merlin to prove it, not to Eggsy’s satisfaction. Besides, this was a lot of effort just to bed someone. Especially someone like Eggsy.

Merlin seemed to be struggling with what to say, not that Eggsy could particularly blame him. None of the conversations had been easy. It probably never would be. Then Merlin sighed. “I want the best for both of you. If that means offering the advantages I’ve accumulated in life, so be it.” He didn’t look at Eggsy, instead looking at the sole window on the far wall. “The last time I took a vacation was twelve years ago.”

Eggsy arched his eyebrows, but he wasn’t really surprised. Merlin was the very picture of workaholic.

“It was my then-boyfriend’s birthday, and that was the last time I bought myself anything.” He turned to look at Eggsy, as if he hadn’t just confirmed at least some of what Eggsy thought. “I have a lot of money and not much to do with it,” he said finally. “This is at least doing some good for someone who deserves it.” He looked away, then back at Eggsy. “For people who deserve it.”

_For someone I care about_ , was left unsaid, but Eggsy could feel it hanging in the air between them.

Eggsy’s heart lurched in his chest. The past 24 hours had drained him, and he hadn’t gotten nearly as much sleep. Then this conversation hadn’t helped. He felt scraped raw, his guards shattered and barely working. He needed a break. More importantly, he needed to sleep.

“Merlin?” Eggsy stood, keeping the tablet tucked under his arm so he had his good arm free.

“Yes?” Merlin looked at him, eyes neutral. He wasn’t expecting anything, there wasn’t a glimmer of hope indicating that he was hoping to be rewarded with something after that. Maybe he was just a good liar. But Eggsy had gotten pretty good at catching people’s deceptions. It had been necessary in his line of work.

Besides, he had spent a lot of time with Merlin over the past year of training. Merlin didn’t lie, unless it was training related. And even then, it was only to make himself laugh. Sadistic bastard. He said what he thought, didn’t beat around the bush, and kept secrets to himself. Eggsy could trust him.

More importantly, Eggsy _wanted_ to trust him.

He walked closer, his heart racing, his face blank. He wasn’t fuzzy, his brain hadn’t drifted away. Instead he felt sure of himself, hope blossoming in his chest so heavily that it was painful. Merlin stayed in the office chair, his eyes on Eggsy even as he got closer.

Eggsy stopped, just in front of him. Merlin looked up at him, that same neutral gaze. Then Eggsy leaned down, kissed his cheek. “Thanks.” Then he turned on his good foot and walked out of the room without a look back.

Take _that_ , Merlin.

**

“What the fuck,” Merlin said to the closed door, as if that would change anything. He was still sitting where Eggsy had left him, the same half-stunned expression on his face. Of all the things, that wasn’t what he had expected them to part with.

He turned to his computer desk, stared at the screens as if they were going to tell him anything. They did, in a way. He watched Eggsy enter the bedroom, go check on a sleeping Daisy. Her vitals were normal, and she was snoring, which Merlin found endearing. Then Eggsy disappeared off the camera screen, and Merlin stuck to what he had told Eggsy and respected his privacy.

Okay, he may have neglected to mention that he had hooked up a pad that recorded Eggsy’s vitals to that bed, too, but technically that didn’t count, or something.

He glanced around the room, then shut that feed off. He’d send it to Medical instead, and they could alert him if anything truly dangerous happened. Daisy’s cameras were placed well enough that he could see the doorway and could tell if Eggsy tried to leave.

His glasses beeped, drawing his attention. A quick glance at the time gave Merlin one guess at who it was. “Hello, Harry,” Merlin said dryly, activating the call.

“Dinner was atrocious,” Harry said without preamble.

Merlin fought to keep his face straight, even though Harry couldn’t see it, as he pulled up Harry’s latest medical records. “You’re progressing well,” he said, his voice deceptively casual. Surprisingly, Harry was progressing extraordinarily well. He had come out of the whole situation extremely lucky.

That did make Merlin wary, though. Was this the high before the fall? He would have felt safer with Harry closer, as soon as they could pull it off.

“Where are you?” Harry sounded suspicious, as if he was staring at Merlin’s feed, trying to put the pieces together. He probably was.

“Home,” Merlin said absently, checking the jets available and when they could make it to Kentucky. The trip back would potentially require a refueling, depending on how much equipment Harry needed. The heavier it was, the higher the gas expenditure. That was something he could work out with the pilots.

“Home?” Harry repeated quizzically.

“Yes.” Merlin slotted Harry’s flight in for next Wednesday, four days away. Gwyn was on duty that day; she was one of their better pilots. She could also put Harry in his place if he was being a prat. That was probably her most important quality for that flight. Harry was indeed a fifty-something-year-old dapper super spy, but he was also incredibly vain and an idiot when he wanted to be. He had his own special brand of common sense.

“You have a house?” Harry said, incredulous.

Merlin opened his mouth to form a snappy retort, and then paused. Had he ever told Harry he had a house outside of the mansion? “Yes?”

“Where?” Harry blinked, Merlin could see it in the movement of the glasses.

“Classified, I’m afraid,” Merlin quipped.

Harry snorted his opinion of that statement. Then he paused. “Why are you there?”

It took Merlin about two seconds to put the pieces together. “I’m fine,” he said. “Eggsy and Daisy are recovering here.”

“Eggsy and Daisy,” Harry repeated.

“Yes.” Harry was going to make Merlin regret all of this when he returned to London, that was for sure. But he was enjoying it at the moment.

“How is Daisy involved in all of this, pray tell?”

Merlin closed his eyes then opened them, knowing Harry wouldn’t be able to tell. “You’re the one who gave me the information.”

There was silence on the other line. “Oh.”

Merlin hummed his agreement, double-checking the status of the SGO.

“What’s that?” Merlin could hear Harry shifting on the hospital bed, its creaking loud over the eyeglass microphones.

Merlin debated how much to say without Eggsy’s permission. It was Harry; Eggsy probably didn’t mind. But after their discussion of privacy, after the boundaries Merlin had already pushed, he wanted to leave it up to him. “Eggsy will tell you when you get here,” Merlin said instead.

Harry was contemplatively quiet now. Merlin didn’t really like that. A quiet Harry was a Harry in trouble. He was like a toddler - like Daisy - that way. Suitably reminded, he reassured himself that Daisy was still asleep in her crib and not planning an escape.

“You’re quite fond of him, aren’t you?” Harry said finally.

“Aren’t you?” Merlin countered. He had seen Harry watching him once or twice, one of their later training missions. The time that Harry, Percival, Eggsy and Roxy had stood in the same room. Harry had been watching him, the annoying prat, and probably noticed when his eyes lingered on Eggsy just a bit too long.

Harry chuckled dryly. “Not in the same way, I would think.”

“Fucker,” Merlin muttered darkly.

“Pot calling the kettle, I should say.”

“Has anyone told you you’re annoying?” Merlin sighed, exasperated.

“Not lately, I’m afraid. I’m feeling quite neglected. I shall be quite happy to be back in London. You wouldn’t happen to have a spare bedroom for an old man for his recuperation, would you?”

“Oh fuck no.” Merlin cut that off right then and there. He would go mad living with Harry. He already had, once. It was the summer of ‘03, the summer they would never, ever talk about. Ever.

Although maybe Merlin would prime Eggsy with some stories. The more ammunition against Harry, the better.

Harry sniffed melodramatically on the other end of the glasses. “I doubt Eggsy is a better houseguest than I was.”

“Anyone is a better houseguest than you are, Harry,” Merlin said with his teeth gritted. To put it politely, Harry had been a whirlwind. Combine an affinity for chaos with a need for cleanliness, and you had a house that flip flopped between total disaster and showroom-worthy depending on who was home and who was on a mission. “So far Eggsy hasn’t rearranged any of my furniture because quote ‘it offended his chi’, end quote. You could have just told me you hated the sofa. I would have gotten a new one.”

“It really did offend my chi,” Harry offered.

Merlin didn’t even bother dignifying that with a response.

“When will I be in London?” Harry asked hopefully, as if the answer had changed since he had asked last. Luckily for Harry, it had.

“You leave on Wednesday,” Merlin said, looking at the schedule. “Gwyn is your pilot.”

Harry’s elated noise quickly sank in tone. “Why would you do that to me?”

“Because someone has to make sure that your head is small enough to fit through the door to the jet.”

“I’m going to tell Eggsy to give you a lesson in manners. You obviously need it.”

Merlin rubbed his forehead. “If you start that, I’m going to tell Percival that you were looking at his arse that last meeting before Lancelot died.”

Dead silence on the other side. “I did not,” Harry eventually protested.

“You were not,” Merlin corrected absently. “But you were indeed staring at him during that particular meeting. I have video proof and everything.”

Harry made an offended noise that made Merlin roll his eyes. That was Harry’s way of admitting he surrendered.

“I’ll see you for your debriefing,” Merlin said, allowing himself to be amused.

Harry hung up without saying anything else. Mentally Merlin added the whole Harry/Percival thing to his eventual to-do list, because he wasn’t going to be able to stand it much if they ended up looking besotted with each other while he was trying to get work done.

The fact it would distract Harry was a bonus.

Merlin calculated the time differences, when Harry would arrive in the country, be off the plane. Would Eggsy want to be there? It was a reasonable time of day, about tea time. Would Daisy want to be there? Would Eggsy be willing to leave Daisy? That was the better question. He would have to ask Eggsy in the morning.

Which was now in...three to four hours, depending on your definition. Merlin glanced at his schedule. Dindrane had taken the majority of his handling duties, but all that meant was more reports for him to check, double-check, and sign in electronic triplicate. Whoever had invented that as a thing needed to die a horrible death.

He looked at the clock, considered. If he did the work now, he could free up more time that evening, with limited sleep. If he napped, then did the work, he would only be able to check on Eggsy every three or so hours. But he would at least have some rest.

Maybe he could hook his clipboard up to let him finish the reports remotely. That would work. The fact that he could avoid thinking about that whole conversation with Eggsy and/or the kiss thing, that was a bonus. There was nothing like distractions to keep you occupied, even if it was the distraction causing the occupation.

Wow, he really did need to sleep. Giving in to his body’s actual needs as a human being, he left his office, locked it behind him, and went to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I've got written as of now, and I'm taking a bit of a break because my hands are acting up. So it'll probably be a couple weeks to a month max before the next chapter? Depends on my patience level. Of course, I say that now and I'll probably break and write a new chapter next week... oops.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fallout from the prior chapter's decisions re: parenting. But, also. Romance. ;)

It had been strange waking up to a quiet house. Merlin hadn’t been anywhere, but it was easy enough for Eggsy to assume that he was actually sleeping for once. Eggsy had grown up in a single-floor flat. Having two floors was a luxury. He could use his mobile to play music, make Daisy breakfast, all without worrying about waking someone up or attracting attention. If he played nursery rhymes and danced with her, well. No one was watching.

Breakfast and lunch had been easier than Eggsy had expected. Merlin had a booster seat already at the table, his kitchen was set up to cook Daisy-friendly things. It was easy enough to watch Daisy while he cooked, to pick her up, tickle her and make her shriek. It was easy enough to distract himself by taking care of her. Toddlers were a full-time job, especially since Daisy hated naps. He could do anything and everything to take away from the suffocating feeling in his chest as the clock ticked closer and closer to the evening, to the unknown.

It was a couple hours after lunch and Merlin still hadn’t appeared. Uneasiness prickled in Eggsy’s chest, but he shoved it down. He couldn’t let Daisy see, couldn’t let her tell that he was nervous. Merlin probably wasn’t dead. Just working. He wouldn’t have left Eggsy there by himself, with Daisy, without letting him know. He wasn’t that type of person.

Eggsy was laying on the couch, listening to the telly with his eyes closed and Daisy curled up on his chest. Yeah, okay, having her laying on his mostly-broken ribs wasn’t his best decision, but she was so comfortable and he didn’t want to move her. Then he heard footsteps head down the stairs.

He cracked open an eye, not surprised to see Merlin appearing at the bottom of the stairs. “Glad to see you’re not dead,” Eggsy told him.

Merlin arched an eyebrow at him, but there was a smile on his face. He came over, stopped a few feet away and peered at Daisy. “That can’t be comfortable.”

“She’s comfy.” Eggsy would’ve shrugged if it didn’t hurt.

Merlin gave Eggsy a look that indicated he didn’t agree with Eggsy’s risk assessment, but he didn’t say anything else. He took off his glasses, cleaned them on his sweater then put them back on.

Nerves made Eggsy’s muscles ache, the silence hanging heavy between them. His wrist was throbbing. “Something wrong?” He felt sick to his stomach. Had something gone wrong with the Special Guardianship Order? With Harry? With Roxy?

“Your SGO was granted about ten minutes ago,” Merlin said softly. “A Children’s Services worker is on the way to notify her biological parents.”

Eggsy cringed, and yeah, that hurt.

Merlin frowned. Then he stepped closer. “May I?”

Eggsy looked up at him, his heart racing. “Yeah.” The word almost caught in his throat, but it made it out. He didn’t know what he was agreeing to, but he could feel his body getting restless, the energy starting to sizzle as it kicked into fight-or-flight. It wasn’t just Merlin, it was everything. The SGO, being responsible for Daisy, the scope of his injuries - how much he was risking. How much he could gain, but how much he could lose, too.

Merlin bent down, his hands sliding across Eggsy’s chest as gently as he could while he scooped Daisy up, carefully rearranging her against his chest, her head tucked against his shoulder. He even smoothed a hand up and down her back, did the mini-parent-bounce-in-place to ensure that Daisy was still calm or asleep. Eggsy was quite familiar with that.

Eggsy just stared at him. He could feel his cheeks flushing. Fucking domestic kink. But it was - well, a lot of things - to see Merlin standing there, Daisy asleep in his arms, looking both at ease and like he was terrified at the same time. And he did look distracted, but not really afraid. Instead of fear, it was the way he looked at Daisy like she was one of the most precious things in the world, like he would do anything for her.

Well fuck. Eggsy’s heart skipped a beat, his mouth suddenly dry.

Merlin arched an eyebrow, and Eggsy realized he was still staring. He considered looking away, but winked first, then turned his attention to sitting up. It hurt, having laid like that for so long. His ribs ached and he was sore from carrying Daisy around so much.

When Eggsy looked up, he saw Merlin had disappeared. With anyone else Eggsy would have worried, immediately gone to find him. Instead, Eggsy felt a cautious sort of peace. He trusted Merlin with Daisy.

The realization threatened to knock the wind out of him. He sat there, propping himself up with his good arm, remembering to breathe. He felt like he was standing on a tightrope, like moving too far to either side would knock him off, would send him plunging to his death. Merlin reappeared in the doorway, his brow creased in concern. It wasn’t anger. It was worry.

Merlin used the arm not supporting Daisy to shake the ice pack in his hand, and then handed it to Eggsy. “Twenty minutes,” he said, fixing Eggsy with a look. “I’m going to go put Daisy in her crib.”

“Don’t forget to pull the edge down,” Eggsy said before he could stop himself, even as he took the ice pack. “And put it back up.”

“I’ll bring your tablet down, too.” Merlin offered him a half-smile and waited until Eggsy had rearranged himself on the couch, ice pack on his ribs, before he turned and headed upstairs.

The cold was so bitter it almost took Eggsy’s breath away. He focused on breathing deeply, no matter how much it twinged. It wasn’t as bad as it had been right after V-day, that was good. It would be another few weeks before he would properly be out of the woods. That was, as long as he stopped doing things like carrying Daisy, or bending and turning and everything else he was going to do anyway.

It was only a few minutes before he heard Merlin’s footsteps on the stairs, and he appeared with Eggsy’s tablet in his hand. Wordlessly he walked over and offered it to Eggsy, his eyes distant and polite.

Eggsy reached up a hand and took it. Merlin had put it close enough that Eggsy didn’t have to reach for it, which was nicer on his ribs. “Ta.” He turned his attention to it, letting out a sigh of relief when he saw Daisy passed out in her crib, her vitals normal. He closed his eyes, let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. Even the ache in his ribs eased.

“You worry about her,” Merlin said. It was a statement and not a question.

Eggsy looked at him, quizzical. “Yes,” he said slowly, waiting for Merlin to get to the point.

Merlin’s gaze shifted to the tablet, and there was that fond look in his eyes. “How are you feeling?” His eyes went back to Eggsy, and he sank down into an armchair opposite the couch, crossing one ridiculously long leg over the other. He was dressed in his slacks and jumper, as impeccably as if he was at the mansion.

“Like shite,” Eggsy answered promptly. He shifted the ice pack to the other side of his ribs, wincing as he did so. He looked at Merlin, then looked away. His mobile was a heavy weight in his pocket.

“I figured,” Merlin said with a slight tilt of his head. He stood, then disappeared back through the kitchen door, presumably to fetch something else.

Eggsy’s phone started vibrating. HIs stomach flipped, and for a second he felt like he was going to throw up. Predictably, it was Michelle’s number on the screen. She must have heard from Children’s Services.

He hesitated, then ended the call and turned his mobile on silent, placing it facedown on the coffee table. He couldn’t hide from it forever, but he was going to for now.

His fingers tapped restlessly against his side where he held the ice pack. Was it better to just face the music? Get it over with?

He sat up, feeling reckless. Maybe it was because Merlin had been so nice. Maybe Eggsy just needed to hear what he knew was coming. He couldn’t explain it, didn’t want to explain it, but the world was so much safer when he had a reminder that he wasn’t a good person, that the world aligned with what he thought for at least a few seconds. How twisted was that? But it helped.

Picking up his mobile, he dialed his mum, held the phone to his ear. It rang twice before it was the call connected.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Michelle’s voice was shrill in his ear. “Taking my baby like that.”

Before Eggsy could respond, he could hear the phone snatched away from her. “I’m going to come find you,” Dean said, his voice ominous.

The distant part of Eggsy, the part that had floated away, smiled at that. Good luck. He didn’t even know where he was.

“You weren’t home,” Eggsy said, his voice remarkably steady. “She’ll be taken care of.”

“Yeah?” Dean’s voice turned into a sneer. “Who you fucking to get this to go through, huh? Only way you can get anything. You’re nothing, Mugsy. And you know it.”

Eggsy closed his eyes, but he was smiling. He didn’t really know why, he just couldn’t stop it. “You’ll never find her,” he said, his voice stronger than he would have expected.

He could hear Michelle sobbing in the background, but something sounded weird about her voice. The tears were too loud, too obvious. Not exaggerated, but enhanced. Alcohol could make her weepy, especially if she was a few drinks in.

“Was it that poofter from the bar?” Dean was angry now, his words louder and closer to a shout. “Is that who you’re fucking? Bet he’s renting you by the hour, he is. How many times did you have to let him fuck you to get him to do this for you?”

Eggsy went cold all over, although the distant part of him was laughing. “You can contact me through my lawyer,” he said coolly. “Michelle, if you get clean, you can visit. But not until then.” His breath caught in his chest. Everything hurt. He was trying not to suffocate.

“Eggsy?” Michelle’s voice rang in his ear, her voice a soft sob. She apparently had gotten the phone back from Dean. “Why are you doing this to me?” She sobbed, her voice breaking. “Why are you taking her away from me?”

Eggsy clenched the mobile tighter, his elbows on his knees and his head bowed. _Because you never really were a parent to her._ The ice pack had fallen to the ground, forgotten. “Goodbye, Michelle.”

“Eggsy? Gary Unwin, don’t you dare -”

Click. Eggsy looked down at the mobile, staring blankly at it, at the empty screen. That lasted for just a few seconds before it started ringing again, Michelle’s name showing up in large letters thanks to caller ID.

For a second he thought he was going to be sick.

“Here.” Merlin reached out a hand, drawing Eggsy’s attention. How long had he been standing there? How much had he heard? Not that it mattered.

Mutely, without Merlin having to ask, Eggsy handed over his mobile. His whole body felt numb, and he didn’t have the energy to lift his head. That was it. It was over. There was essentially no chance of repairing his relationship with Michelle.

Even worse, he didn’t know if he wanted to.

He took a deep breath, his shoulders shuddering, the breath shaky. It hurt, too, his ribs protesting. It felt like he was holding his breath no matter how much he air he took in.

When he looked up, there was the tube of arnica gel on the coffee table and another mobile next to it. “It’s a different phone,” Merlin said, catching him off guard. Eggsy didn’t have to move far to look at him. “I took the liberty of rerouting all important calls. Roxy, for example, will be able to get in touch with you.” Merlin paused, as if he wasn’t certain about what he had done. “Any number associated with Michelle or Dean are sent to voicemail, only to be accessed if you want.”

“Thanks,” Eggsy said, the word feeling rote. He stared at the phone, stared through it. Part of him wasn’t sad, really. It was something that was a long time coming. What hurt the worst, he thought, was that Michelle hadn’t asked about him at all. She just wanted Daisy, wanted the child that was young enough to mold, who would love her without reservation for just a little longer.

Eggsy had long outgrown that. He wasn’t useful that way anymore.

“Do I have a lawyer?” Eggsy lifted his head to look at Merlin. His head felt so heavy. It felt like he was moving through mud, everything in slow motion.

“Of course,” Merlin said quietly. “Any contact can be routed through her. She’s quite good; she’s worked with Kingsman before.”

“Good.” Eggsy nodded, winced at the movement. “Good.”

“Eggsy.” Merlin hesitated, almost uncertain. Then he sank down on the couch next to Eggsy, just far enough away that their knees weren’t touching. “What do you need?”

“I don’t know,” he said slowly. He blinked, took another deep breath, hated how shaky it was. A quick look at his tablet showed that Daisy was still asleep. She hadn’t moved, hadn’t been impacted by the way their lives had just changed, now past the point of no return. How would he explain it to her? She was going to ask for Michelle. Would Daisy hate him?

Eggsy closed his eyes, then opened them again. He nodded towards the arnica gel on the table. “Can you do that?” He felt scraped-open and raw, his guards at least momentarily shattered.

Surprise flashed over Merlin’s face, but he nodded. “Do you prefer to sit or stand?”

“Can you help with my shirt?” It felt strange to ask, but Eggsy wasn’t against needing human contact, the comfort of someone touching him, caring. He just wasn’t comfortable asking for what he wanted.

“Of course.” Merlin crouched down in front of him, his attention turning to Eggsy’s chest. He eased Eggsy’s arms through the holes, then gently lifted it over his head. The way he touched Eggsy was reverent, and it sent heat spiraling through Eggsy’s stomach, made his skin prickle in a warm way. It was a feeling he experienced so little from day to day, and he wanted to hold onto it for as long as he could. No one touched him, not really. Daisy did, Roxy the occasional arm around the shoulder or hug. But otherwise?

Eventually everything would go away, and Eggsy would be left alone. He knew that, he accepted it. But for the moment, for this second, he would let himself be selfish. He would let himself depend on Merlin, take what was offered, and live the fantasy that things might be okay. Once he was healed, he could let Merlin go. He didn’t want Merlin to feel like he owed Eggsy anything. Eggsy was a burden. He wasn’t worth anything long-term.

It was a dangerous thought.

“Eggsy?” Merlin’s voice was gentle. “Sitting or standing?”

Eggsy shrugged, hissed at the movement. “Don’t care.”

“Okay then.” Merlin stayed where he was, picking up the arnica gel and squirting some on his fingers.

Eggsy was tired and out of it enough that his prick didn’t do anything more than twitch. No, there would be time for that later. He closed his eyes when Merlin’s fingers touched his skin, the gel warmed by his body heat.

The bruises had almost completely disappeared, just yellow-green marks dotting his abdomen and back. He couldn’t see them with his eyes closed, but he could tell where they were based on where Merlin’s hands were. Merlin’s touch was gentle, light enough that it didn’t set off the pain in his ribs, but insistent enough that the gel absorbed into Eggsy’s skin.

“Lean forward,” Merlin said quietly, his voice rough.

It wasn’t startling, exactly, to open his eyes and see Merlin almost hovering over him, angled so that when Eggsy tipped forward, his forehead coming to land against Merlin’s chest, Merlin could get to the bruises on his back. Merlin’s hands were almost reverent, and it made Eggsy want to run away, to hide. Selfishly he stayed there, basking in it.

It was so easy to close his eyes, to relax against Merlin. To let the breath he’d been holding out, the tension out of his shoulders. It was dangerous, and once it started it was hard to stop. He wasn’t going to cry, he was stronger than that. No matter how much his eyes burned and his head spun and everything felt like it was closing in on him.

Merlin straightened up slowly, and Eggsy opened his eyes to realize he had curled a fist into Merlin’s jumper. Probably stretching the wool, or whatever fancy thing it was made of, but Merlin didn’t seem to care.

“You’re under a lot of stress,” Merlin said, his voice even.

Eggsy raised his head at that, meeting Merlin’s gaze with a skeptical expression. He could see the war in Merlin’s eyes, caution and concern winning out. Merlin genuinely seemed to worry that he would be taking advantage of a bad situation. It made Eggsy want to laugh.

Nothing had changed, really. Not at the core of any of it. The feelings just weren’t guarded anymore. Eggsy’s barriers had broken down.

Eggsy shifted his grip, using Merlin’s height against him and pulling/pushing him down onto the couch until he was sitting down, this time his expression shocked. Without letting him move, Eggsy straddled him, his arms loosely wrapped around his shoulders and his forehead near the vee of his jumper. If Merlin wanted to take it slow, he would. If Merlin didn’t want any of it, Eggsy was okay with that too.

And honestly, given everything that had happened, this sort of comfort was enough, at least for now.

Then Merlin wrapped his arms around Eggsy, blanketing him in the warm comfort of his jumper and his embrace.

It should have felt strange, but it didn’t. It hurt a bit, yeah. Eggsy’s walking cast probably wasn’t the most comfortable thing to have digging into Merlin’s leg, and his arm cast was annoying and yeah his ribs hurt. But Eggsy couldn’t think of a time before where he felt more at peace. It was stupid and he hated it and part of him would rather have disemboweled himself than seek comfort in that way, but part of him disagreed.

Part of him wanted to stay there and bask in it as long as he could. He turned his head slightly, pressing his face in to the crook of Merlin’s neck. He could almost feel Merlin’s pulse. Probably could if he tilted further, pressed his lips to Merlin’s pulse point. Was he that reckless? Maybe.

One of Merlin’s hands settled on his hips, fingers long and warm against his bare skin. The other drifted up and down the curve of Eggsy’s spine, leaving sparks of heat in its wake. Eggsy’s heart was racing, his mind spinning with things he could say. But what were words? Empty promises.

He turned his head the last bit, pressing his lips to the hollow of Merlin’s throat. Merlin stilled underneath him, and Eggsy could feel the hesitation in his shoulders.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said evenly, a thread of something darker underneath it.

Eggsy paused, considering. He didn’t want to do anything more, not without Merlin’s permission. But he wasn’t certain how to convey that it wasn’t the problem Merlin thought it was. He lifted his head finally, met Merlin’s gaze. He felt a bit dizzy, but in a good way. It was almost like being high on warmth and contentment. Something he had never felt in his life.

Merlin held his gaze. Eggsy could see the heat there, tempered by the sensible, responsible side of Merlin. “I don’t want you to -”

“Regret anything?” Eggsy cut him off. “I don’t.”

“You’re under a lot of stress,” Merlin reasoned.

Eggsy looked at him, exasperated. “I’m not a child. I know how to make a decision under pressure.” V-day was an example of that.

Merlin frowned at him, but then his face relaxed and his eyes went a bit distant. His hands curled around Eggsy’s hips, gentle but there, a steady presence. Merlin’s gaze held his for a few more seconds, searching. Eggsy just looked back, ignoring the way his heart was racing. He could feel the cool, floaty feeling, the way his skin prickled. But he didn’t let it kick him out of his mind.

Instead he focused on the feeling of Merlin’s hands on his hips, skin against skin. The physical presence of Merlin’s thighs under him, the roughness of his jumper against his arms. It felt silly, but it helped. Then he leaned forward, slowly, until their lips touched. Once, twice, three times. Chaste and slow. It sent heat flooding through Eggsy’s body, counteracting the coolness that threatened to drown him.

“Eggsy -”

Eggsy pulled back, exasperation written all over his face. “If you come up with one more excuse, I’m going to -”

Merlin shut him up with a kiss. Eggsy shivered, kissed him back. Then Merlin pulled back, his eyes dark. “If it hurts, tell me.” He slid his hands up Eggsy’s sides, slow and sensuous. “I don’t want to delay your recovery any longer than you already have.” He raised an eyebrow at Eggsy.

Eggsy contemplated looking innocent, then shrugged. He kissed the corner of Merlin’s lips, enjoying his temporary height advantage. His hands dropped to Merlin’s sides, fingertips rucking up under the jumper and then pausing at the annoyingly starched shirt he wore under it. “Do you have to wear so many layers?” Eggsy muttered, pressing butterfly kisses up the line of Merlin’s jaw to just under his ear.

Merlin turned his head enough to dislodge Eggsy, catching his earlobe with his teeth and making Eggsy shudder. “More fun that way.”

Eggsy huffed against him, then caught his lips again. This time Merlin’s mouth opened against his, their tongues touching. It was tentative at first, then more confident. Eggsy felt his mind spinning, nerves surging through him in a way that made the rest of the world fuzzy, made nothing matter except Merlin against him.

He slid the rest of his hands up Merlin’s jumper, feeling the warmth of his skin even through the shirt. Merlin made a soft noise into Eggsy’s mouth, which made Eggsy squirm, his hands flexing against Merlin in a way that made Merlin draw him closer. Merlin’s thumbs were drawing small circles on his hips now, distracting and dizzy-making.

Finally the kisses slowed, became lingering but sweet, until Eggsy pulled back. Yeah, he was half-hard, but he didn’t want to go further, not right now. There was no way his mind could handle it. He was smart enough to know that.

What was even worse? He was pretty sure Merlin knew it, too. It was both angry and thrilling to find someone who could read him so well. Who could see the worst bits of him and still be there. His guards were down now, and he knew from experience that his face showed everything he thought. It was terrifying and thrilling, fear stomping all over any vestiges of happiness.

Merlin lifted a hand from Eggsy’s hip, cradled his face. Eggsy let his eyes flutter shut, leaned into it. Merlin’s fingers were so damn long. The thought combined with Merlin’s touch sent a flush down his neck, to his collarbones. He couldn’t see it, but he knew it was there.

“Are you okay?” Merlin asked, the words almost hesitant.

Eggsy wanted to laugh, but he realized Merlin could probably feel how fast his heart was beating, see the flush on his skin. The way his chest heaved, how it made his ribs hurt. The pain wasn’t anything he cared about. His mind, his body, were caught up with what was in front of him. “Yeah,” he said finally. He kissed Merlin again, kept it brief before leaning down and pressing his lips to Merlin’s neck.

Merlin’s hand hesitated, then started its sweeping up and down Eggsy’s back, pausing to trace scars. Some were from training, some were from V-day. Some were from Dean. It felt oddly pleasant when Merlin’s fingertips traced the scar tissue, the gun calluses on his finger catching on the divide between scar tissue and skin.

But slowly, reality sank in, washing away the warmth and contentment. It was like being dunked into a bucket full of ice water, and he could feel his body tense up. Merlin turned slightly, pressing a kiss to the side of Eggsy’s head.

“We shouldn’t do this,” Eggsy said into Merlin’s neck. Or he thought he said, anyway. He could feel his lips moving, but he couldn’t hear anything over the thunder rushing past his ears. He forced himself to take a deep breath, and then another, not realizing that his arms had tightened around Merlin until one of Merlin’s settled across his lower back, comforting.

“We don’t have to,” Merlin said, his accent thicker as his voice quieted. “It’s up to you, Eggsy.”

Eggsy made a face at that. He lifted his head, meeting Merlin’s gaze with his. Firm, not budging in what he was about to say. “It’s not one person’s decision.” His words were strong, even as some of the pain in his shoulders eased at the warmth on Merlin’s face.

Part of Eggsy wanted to turn, hide his face. Hide from what he knew would hurt him later. But selfishly he stayed watching Merlin, studying his face, taking in every little bit. No matter what happened down the road, Eggsy would have this moment, something to think about when things got bad, even after everything was over.

Merlin hummed in agreement. “I am amenable to whatever you decide,” he said, studying Eggsy in the same way Eggsy was studying him.

It was strange, almost, seeing Merlin like that. His guards were down in a way they had never been during training. Dressed like he was, he was always so distant, so composed. This was different. This was broken down and open, warmth and affection. The way Merlin touched him was like he was precious, glass that could be broken so easily with the wrong handling.

Part of Eggsy wanted to push it away, tell Merlin that he was already broken. But the selfish bit of him didn’t. It made his stomach flip, but he was going to stay quiet. It couldn’t hurt to take up some of the affection, could it? Even if Merlin was giving it up without knowing the entire story. Eggsy had said it himself. It was a mantra that had stayed with him for a long time.

 _He wasn’t a good person_.

**

Merlin sat there on the couch, Eggsy still on top of him, feeling a bit like he had been transported unexpectedly to outer space. Or maybe to another planet. But nope. It didn’t stop him from leaning in and pressing a kiss to Eggsy’s cheek, watching as Eggsy’s eyes fluttered shut.

He meant it, too. If Eggsy didn’t want it to ever happen again, Merlin would ensure that was the case. If Eggsy wanted something more - in that very, very unlikely situation, Merlin would be comfortable with that, too. No matter how much the thought made his heart race.

It was hard to stop touching Eggsy once he had been given permission. Especially since Eggsy was straddling his lap, shirtless, his body on display. Even with the bruises, the cast, he was gorgeous. Merlin’s legs were going a bit numb. It was going to be unpleasant to stand. But he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

“May I?” Merlin asked, drawing Eggsy’s attention.

Eggsy looked at him, those mossy-green eyes cloudy with confusion. Merlin stroked a thumb over the skin of his hips, tilted his head slightly. The confusion cleared. Something conflicted flashed across Eggsy’s face, almost like a fear response. As if it would take one little thing to send Merlin running for the hills.

At least this had done something to get him out of denial. He could ignore the crush if needed, but he no longer thought it would fade completely. Maybe ever. It would be worth it, too, to have the memory they were building now.

“Yeah.” Eggsy exhaled slowly, nodded. It was almost like he was steeling himself without realizing, his body tensing slightly.

Merlin sort of wished he could go hunt down Dean and rip him from limb to limb, but that was messy and too quick for the bastard. Harry enjoyed that sort of thing. Maybe Merlin would leave the disposal to him.

He kept his touch gentle, smooth, moving slowly up Eggsy’s sides, tracing the edges of his ribs, careful not to push on the dips in the skin. Eggsy’s muscles were tense underneath his touch. Merlin kept his face as warm as he was capable of doing. It probably came across as more blank, but that was better than showing what he actually thought. Looking like you wanted to murder someone’s stepfather while staring at them like you wanted to eat them probably wasn’t a look that was good on anyone.

“Breathe.” Merlin lifted his gaze to look at Eggsy, resettling his hands at Eggsy’s hips.

Something almost embarrassed flashed across Eggsy’s face, and this time Merlin could feel his breathing, feel some of the tension leave his muscles. “You don’t have to decide now,” Merlin told him.

Eggsy rolled his eyes, and the exasperated gesture made Merlin feel a bit better. Part of him was still worried about taking advantage of Eggsy, but Eggsy had a point. He wasn’t a child and Merlin could do a lot better than treat him like one. Eggsy had said it himself. It was a decision that took both of them, not just one or the other. There was an exception - if one said no, that meant no for both. It wasn’t a rule Merlin would budge on.

Still, he was going to take into account the fact that Eggsy lied as easily as he breathed, sometimes. Not maliciously, but to protect himself. If that meant Merlin was going to have to keep an eye out for the small things, body language - he would do it gladly.

“One condition,” Eggsy murmured, his voice so quiet Merlin could barely hear him.

Merlin lifted an eyebrow. When Eggsy looked away, Merlin put a gentle finger under his chin. He wanted to make sure Eggsy actually was interested in what was going on, wasn’t just doing something out of obligation. Slowly, reluctantly, Eggsy faced him. Merlin could see the guards back up, but he was okay with that, too. No matter what happened between them, it was going to take a long time for those to come down. If they ever did.

Eggsy’s smile was tired, lopsided, and not entirely genuine. But it still made Merlin want to kiss him senseless. “No sex until my ribs stop hurting.”

Merlin arched his other eyebrow. “Until you get proper medical clearance,” he pointed out.

Eggsy rolled his eyes, slipping back into a more comfortable persona. “Once they stop hurting, they probably won’t puncture a lung,” he argued.

Merlin just looked at him. “X-rays or nothing.”

Eggsy pouted, but it didn’t last long.

Merlin shook his head, fond, and leaned forward and kissed him, short and sweet. Then Eggsy chased him, captured his lips again, lingering in a way that sent heat coiling in Merlin’s middle. He was going to wait until Eggsy was better, until it wasn’t a danger.

If part of him was waiting for Eggsy to come to his senses, regret his decision, well. He wasn’t going to think about it.

There was a noise from the tablet, a hitch of breath and the beginnings of a wail. “Last nap of the day,” Eggsy said ruefully, reaching just far enough to grab the tablet. He looked at Merlin, mischievous, and then rested it on Merlin’s forehead.

“I’m not a stand,” Merlin told him, voice muffled by the tablet.

“You make a good one.” Eggsy sounded way too happy.

No, that wasn’t true. Eggsy could never sound happy enough.

“I’ll go get her,” Merlin said, gently tapping Eggsy’s hips to try and incentivize movement.

“Nah.” Eggsy moved the tablet, hesitated for a second and then kissed Merlin quickly. “I’ll get her. She probably needs a change anyway.”

Eggsy rolled off of him, wincing as the feeling started returning to his legs. Merlin could agree with that; he started stretching the muscles of his legs, feeling the pins and needles coming back. Eggsy stood, wobbled slightly, shaking his head at himself.

Merlin sat there, watching him. What if this was the only time that happened? What if Eggsy wouldn’t ever look him in the face again?

“I’m not going to run away,” Eggsy said, catching Merlin’s gaze. There was something soft and amused in his eyes. Then it darkened, but that disappeared quickly. “You’re stuck with us.” He winked, the expression feeling almost fake, but he turned and headed upstairs before Merlin could respond.

Merlin sat there for a few seconds longer, checked his phone. He had messages to respond to, a meeting he was late for. Inwardly he groaned. He was going to have to pop by the loo first to make sure no one could tell what had happened.

Yet another advantage of not having hair - no crazed sex hair. Or make-out hair. Or whatever. Merlin’s brain had crashed like a shoddy Windows product.

Finally standing, Merlin headed up the stairs and caught Eggsy just leaving his bedroom with a wide-awake Daisy.

“Mewin!” Daisy shouted.

“Inside voice,” Eggsy and Merlin said at the same time. Eggsy bit back a laugh. Merlin smiled. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to the top of Daisy’s head.

“I’ve got to work for a bit, Miss Daisy.” Merlin shifted slightly so that Daisy could meet his eyes. “Be nice to your brother.”

“Eggy,” Daisy said solemnly. She reached up.

His cheeks resolutely not heating (okay maybe a tiny bit), Merlin let her pat the crown of his head, seeing Eggsy fight a smile. Then she settled back down against Eggsy, curled against him. “Bye Mewin.”

Eggsy grinned, then reached up with his free hand and patted the same spot. “Bye Mewin.”

Merlin pointed a finger at him. “You know very well that is not my name,” he grumbled, but it was good natured.

Eggsy just winked and sauntered away, heading down the stairs at a pace that was faster than Merlin would have expected.

Merlin waited until he had locked himself in his lab before he let his guards fall completely. He put his fingers to his lips, thought for a bit. He probably should have said no. He was Eggsy’s superior. So much could go wrong. There was such a thing as conflict of interest.

Was it really that wrong? His hand twitched against his lips at the memory. He reached for his glasses, stopped. Not a good idea. But also a good idea.

Ignoring the sane voice in his head, he tapped the frame of his glasses until they dialed Harry.

“Did you cancel my flight?” Harry demanded.

Merlin rolled his eyes. “No one cancelled your flight.”

“Then why did you call?” Harry sounded suspicious. He was silent for a few seconds. Merlin didn’t say anything either. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Merlin said a bit too quickly.

Harry made a disbelieving noise. He knew Merlin far too well for Merlin’s comfort. “It has to do with Eggsy, doesn’t it?”

“Why would you say that?” Merlin turned back towards his computer, the feeds nothing confidential. He just felt more comfortable with a keyboard under his fingertips.

“He’s the only sort of thing that would get you so wound up,” Harry said practically.

Merlin didn’t dignify that with an answer. Because yeah, Harry was right. The rest of Merlin’s life was neat and orderly. Eggsy was the exact opposite. Eggsy was risk, danger, conflict.

Harry made a thoughtful sound this time. “Something happened, then.”

“I’m going to hang up,” Merlin threatened.

It was an empty threat, and both of them knew it.

When nothing happened after a few seconds, Harry sounded smug. “Thought so.”

“Bastard,” Merlin muttered.

“What’s got you tied in a knot?”

Merlin sat there in silence for a minute, his fingers tapping nonsensically on the keyboard. He wasn’t actually typing anything, but the pattern of the movements felt familiar and eased some of the tension in his muscles.

“Merlin.” Harry’s voice was gentle. “You deserve to be happy.”

Wanker. Merlin opened his mouth to tell him off, then closed it. He cleared his throat. “How is your therapy progressing?”

“Fine,” Harry answered promptly. “How is Eggsy’s?”

Merlin’s hands stuttered on the keyboard and he bit back the first thing or two that wanted to leave his mouth, because neither of them were Harry-appropriate. All they had done was kiss and he was brainless. That did not bode well for his work ethic. “His healing continues to follow a non-traditional path,” Merlin said diplomatically.

Harry made a tsking sound. “Didn’t the doctors say no sex until his ribs were healed?”

Merlin rolled his eyes and wondered how easy it would be to smother Harry from thousands of miles away. “I’ll have to tell Percival that.”

Harry grumbled. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“It doesn’t,” Merlin admitted.

Harry was quiet for a few moments. “He’s a good person, Merlin.”

Merlin caught himself before he spoke. “I know.” Even if Eggsy didn’t, Merlin knew it. So where exactly was the problem with all of it? “He’s so young.” Merlin rubbed his forehead.

He could practically hear Harry’s eyebrows raise. “That’s what bothers you?”

Well. No. “The whole generation gap -”

“Yes, because Eggsy is the generation that listens to pop music and drinks those disgustingly flavored coffee drinks,” Harry said dryly.

“Pop music isn’t actually that bad,” Merlin said without thinking.

“Oh dear.” Harry sounded half amused and half appalled. “You’ve been corrupted.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. Still, the banter alone made him feel better. Harry had a point. What did bother him about it? Was it just the uncertainty eating away at him, threatening to burrow under his skin? Was it worry that Eggsy was saying yes because he felt like he owed Merlin? That wasn’t something he could bring up with Harry. That was Eggsy’s business, until Eggsy decided it should be told.

It was a conversation he was going to have to have with Eggsy. And even worse, he was going to have to trust Eggsy’s answers. Not that Merlin didn’t trust him - he very much did. But trusting Eggsy with a mission or with his sister was quite different than trusting Eggsy to be honest about feelings. Especially when honesty was so important.

“Thanks, Harry,” Merlin said finally.

Harry’s silence was almost baffled. “My flight is still on, correct?”

Merlin half-smiled. “Yes, you wanker. It is. You’ll be here Wednesday.”

“Good.” Harry grumbled, made a noise like he was shifting in his bed. “As long as you have your priorities straight.”

“Oh, shove it, you.” With that Merlin hung up, taking his glasses off and setting them on the desk. He had work to do, but once Daisy was asleep, they could talk. But only if Eggsy was up to it.

Ignoring the butterflies in his stomach, he put his glasses back on and activated his computer. The work wouldn’t do itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Progress, progress.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not dead, just tired.
> 
> Mooooreeee progressssssssss

Eggsy sat on his bed, Daisy in his lap, one of her hands curled around his upper arm above the cast. She was half-asleep already, but she kept shifting position every so often in a way that hurt, but it was more than worth it. Eggsy had already gone through so much. This was nothing.

“And then they lived happily ever after,” Eggsy recited, setting the book aside. Daisy shifted in his lap, turning her face to peer at him.

“Mewin?”

Eggsy pressed a kiss to her head. “He’s probably working, Lazy Daisy.”

“Mewin.” Her voice was louder now, more of a whine. “Mewin.”

Apparently Daisy liked Merlin almost as much as Eggsy did. It was frightfully domestic, like this would be a usual evening for them, for Eggsy to bring Daisy by to say goodnight. It would be something he didn’t have to hope for, but something that was just expected. There was a lot Eggsy would give for it to be the case. But it wasn’t just up to him.

Was it fair, though, to let Merlin think they had a chance when he really didn’t know anything about Eggsy? That was what troubled Eggsy. There was a lot Merlin didn’t know.

Eggsy swallowed around the lump in his throat, trying to shove things back. Daisy was there, and he couldn’t have those thoughts when she was awake. She was bright and getting smarter every day. He didn’t want to let her turn out like he did.

“Let’s go check on him,” Eggsy decided. Ignoring how much it hurt, he scooped Daisy up and settled her against his hip, the walking boot biting into his calf. He opened the bedroom door and headed to the door that hid Merlin’s office. “Do you want to knock, Dais?” He inched closer so she could reach the door.

She reached out and rapped with her knuckles, taking the responsibility as seriously as she could. “Mewin!”

Of course, she had to make up for that by shouting through the door. He didn’t hear anything crash or any red alarms, so Merlin was fine. Probably.

The door swung open, revealing Merlin standing there wearing both his glasses and an amused expression. “I’ve been summoned, I take it.”

“Nigh nigh Mewin.” Daisy waved a hand at him, then curled up against Eggsy, yawning.

Eggsy shifted to accommodate her, but he was watching Merlin’s face. Surprise, then happiness, then something more neutral, as if he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to respond. “She wanted to come say goodnight,” Eggsy explained.

Merlin straightened up, and even his usual stern expression couldn’t hide the pleased smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Goodnight, Daisy.”

Daisy turned her head so she could stare at Merlin. “Something else, Dais?” Eggsy nudged her gently. “Or is it night night time?”

Daisy yawned again, then held a hand out. “Mewin bed.”

Merlin blinked.

Eggsy was just glad Merlin wasn’t running away. “Merlin’s got to work, Dais,” he said gently. “You’ll see him in the morning.”

“Mewin.” Daisy’s lips were starting to tremble. She reached up and tried to grab Eggsy’s glasses, managing to hook a finger on the lens before he got them out of her reach.

Eggsy looked up at the ceiling, then started gently rubbing her back, trying to soothe her. “Sorry,” he said said to Merlin, turning so Daisy could see Merlin more easily without having to crane her head. “Say night night, Dais.”

“Mewin!” Her voice was getting closer to a wail now.

Holding his breath, Eggsy risked a glance at Merlin. Merlin was looking at Daisy, the expression on his face something Eggsy could easily characterize as fond.

Something in Eggsy unraveled, some of his tension easing up and making breathing easier. “It’s up to you,” he said, his words careful and measured.

Merlin glanced at his workstation and then frowned. It wasn’t unhappiness, it was thoughtfulness. “We’ll have to get her a bed set up in my office.”

It was sheer force of habit that kept Eggsy’s surprise from showing up on his face, but he sort of felt like he had been transported to a completely different dimension. Where this was a permanent arrangement, not a temporary one. Where Eggsy could just leave Daisy in Merlin’s office if he had to work, or if he needed some time to breathe. Where it was as simple as that.

It was dangerously domestic, and something he wanted more than he thought was possible. Eggsy swallowed thickly. He was going to have to come clean, tell Merlin what he was getting into. But what if he did, and Merlin kicked him out? Where would he and Daisy go?

The first person he thought of was Roxy. “Would you put her to bed?” Eggsy looked at Merlin. 

Merlin’s brows knitted together, his eyes searching Eggsy’s face.

“I’m not going to run,” Eggsy added, quieter this time. “I just need -” He couldn’t find the word he wanted, so he shrugged, hoping that would count.

Merlin nodded, and then turned to Daisy, who was now half-asleep against Eggsy’s shoulder. “Can I put you to bed, wee one?” 

Daisy made a grabby-hand in his direction. “Mewin.”

Merlin was smiling when he gently took Daisy from Eggsy’s arms. “Go,” he told Eggsy, his face kind in a way that turned Eggsy’s stomach. He smiled in return, even though it was fake, and then turned and headed down the stairs. He couldn’t use the bedroom, since Merlin would be there with Daisy.

Something pinged on his glasses, drawing his attention. He stopped where he was, bringing the message up.  _ There’s a wine storage room behind the kitchen. Unmonitored, private. You can use that. _

Gratitude threatened to swamp him. He took his glasses off, grateful he had been wearing them for Daisy’s sake but not needing them for this, and set them on the kitchen counter. This had the secondary benefit, too, that Merlin would have the reassurance of knowing where he was.

He wasn’t really certain he could handle being surrounded by wine. The thought churned his stomach. Accepting the scotch had been dangerous, even though he hadn’t actually drank any, just put it to his mouth. That had been an error on both of their parts. He tightened his grip on his phone, and pushed open the small door in the back of the kitchen.

Part of him wanted to laugh. There were racks for wine bottles, but no wine in them. Instead there were random bits of technology crammed in there, remnants of computers long gone. He couldn’t help a smile, couldn’t help the way he was shaking as he held back the laughter. They were going to have to talk about the scotch, but for now - this was amazing. Even if his ribs hurt.

It wasn’t that he wanted Merlin to give up drinking at all. Eggsy just didn’t want to know where it was, or be able to come across it on accident. Recovery, as much as it sucked, was a lifelong thing. He knew exactly how quickly someone could spiral without meaning to. Even with training factored in, Eggsy had been clean and sober less than two years. In the grand scheme of things, that wasn’t very long.

It was strange how time passed that way. It felt like it had been forever, but it felt like it had been ages since V-day, too, and it hadn’t even been two weeks. His ribs could attest to that. Glancing around, Eggsy sank down onto the rug on the floor. It hurt to get down, and it would hurt to get up, but for now, he was comfy. And it was easier than standing.

Except the position brought back memories of the night in the rain, when Merlin had sheltered him, and his brain threatened to be stupid.

Before it could get too far ahead of him, Eggsy dialed Roxy’s number and stuck his mobile to his ear. What if she was on a mission? It was probably a dumb idea. Yet he stayed there, waited, his head tilted back and his gaze on the ceiling.

“Eggsy?” Roxy’s crisp voice was more reassuring than he had anticipated. “You okay?” She was worried now, too.

“Sort of.” It was the truth, or as close as he could get. “What about you, Rox?” It had been ages since they talked. Had they even had a chance to talk since medical, since V-day? Only through text.

“I’ve got six hours to go before I’m being sent to Germany.” She hid a yawn. “Bored. Laying on my bed.” He could hear the rustling of her bed as she shifted position. “I heard you left with Merlin?” There was a hint of hurt there, and yeah, he sort of hadn’t told her. Even sort of on purpose.

Damn. Eggsy winced. His tablet was still upstairs. He was going to have to trust Merlin to keep an eye on Daisy, to ensure that she was safe. “Yeah,” he said, trying to get some time to think, to figure out how to approach everything that had happened. What could he trust her with? She had never betrayed his confidence. Maybe it was time to trust someone completely, or at least see what it was like.

“Eggsy?” Roxy’s voice was gentle now, understanding.

“I have custody of Daisy.” That was the easiest bit to start with, even if it was an understatement of everything that had happened.

“Your little sister?” Roxy was surprised.

Eggsy nodded, then realized she couldn’t see him. “Yeah.” He breathed out through his mouth slowly, steeling himself. “Went to watch her for Mum, and she wasn’t there.”

“Your mother wasn’t there?” There was an edge of anger to Rox’s voice, but it was modulated. It was her posh type of angry where she sounded normal but also wanted to kick someone’s arse. It almost always ended up amusing Eggsy when she used it on someone else.

“Yeah.” He scrubbed his casted hand through his hair, or at least tried to.

“That was when you ended up in medical again,” Roxy said, understanding dawning in her voice. “I tried to visit, but Merlin wasn’t allowing anyone by.”

Eggsy bit the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. He still wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Well, no. He knew how he wanted to feel. He just wasn’t sure it was okay. “Yeah.”

“How’s Daisy?” Roxy said cautiously.

“Merlin’s putting her to bed,” Eggsy said before he could think it through. Well, that was rather telling. They had skipped dating and gone to being a married couple already.

Silence on Roxy’s end, then the creaking of her bed. “You and Merlin?”

“Sort of.” Eggsy paused. “Not really sure.”

“Finally,” Roxy muttered.

Eggsy pulled the mobile back and stared at it, puzzled, before putting it back to his ear. “What?”

“Nothing.” She said the word so fast that it was almost indecipherable.

His face was half a scowl, half a faint smile. “Daisy’s fond of him.”

“Mhm,” Roxy agreed.

“Are you mocking me?” Eggsy tried to sound offended, but instead he was starting to relax. It was hard to realize the impact of carrying around guards 24/7 until he actually let one of those guards down. There, in the safe place, hidden and comfortable, he felt like he could actually be himself, even just a little bit.

“I would never do that,” Roxy said in her least convincing voice ever. “What do you mean by not sure?”

That was a good question. “Dunno.”

There was a noise like Roxy flopping back onto the pillows. “How am I supposed to give fabulous advice when all I get is ‘dunno’?”

Eggsy half-smiled. “Aren’t you supposed to be the one good at this?”

Roxy snorted. “That’s bullshite and you know it.” There was a pause. “It doesn’t help when you give me nothing to work with. I’m good, but I’m not magic.”

Eggsy gently tapped the back of his head against the shelf behind him. It didn’t hurt, but it gave him something to do while he thought.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Roxy said. “I just want you to know that.”

And she meant it, too, which was what baffled Eggsy to some extent. Everyone wanted something else from a person. Everyone had an agenda. But Roxy had never really had one, not for Eggsy. There had been no sabotage, no ‘two left standing, I destroy you’ sort of thing like there was in the movies. She did her duty, and she cared. She never pushed.

“I’m not who you think I am.” The first thing was the hardest to say. If that even counted, because it didn’t, really.

“What do you mean?” He could hear as Roxy switched her phone from one ear to the other.

His heart was starting to race, and his chest felt like it was crushing in on itself. Taking deep breaths, Eggsy ignored the pain and resisted the urge to curl in on himself. He was safe where he was. He didn’t need to run, didn’t need to hide. Didn’t need to fight, either. It was a useful instinct when cornered and had served him well in the bunker.

“You really don’t have to tell me.” Roxy’s voice was firm. “You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Eggsy closed his eyes and then forced them to open again. He didn’t want to hide, even if Roxy couldn’t see him. Even though he was safe, even though he knew it logically, his mind didn’t agree. He could feel the ice surge through his veins, feel the way his brain threatened to detach, float away. Make it so that nothing happened to him affected him. It was easier to relax there, to feel secure that no matter what, he would be okay. “I was - am - a drug addict.” It wasn’t something he would ever leave behind, not really.

“Okay,” Roxy said evenly, no surprise or judgment in her voice.

He sat there for a bit, waiting. Waiting for the sky to fall, for everything to cave in, for her caring to shift to disgust and hatred. He was weak. There were so many better ways to cope with what he went through. It was funny, how he told himself that he was okay with what he did. Because he judged himself more than anyone else did. Not that anyone else knew, but the logical part of him was aware. It was easier, safer to think such things when they felt like they applied to someone else. “I’ve bummed people for money. For drugs.” He let out a short laugh, let his head tilt forward.

He could feel his heart pounding faster, almost dizzy and lightheaded, but it felt like it was happening so far away, that he was fine. “I’m not a good person, Rox. I’m not who you think I am.”

“That it?” Roxy said, her voice calm and cool and collected. For a second Eggsy hated her. Couldn’t she just get it over with?

“Yeah.” That was enough of it, at least. It was the big picture.

“You’re an idiot,” Roxy said frankly.

Eggsy’s head snapped up so quickly he hit the back of the shelf again, this time wincing. But he didn’t speak.

“Why did you think that would change anything?” Roxy scoffed. “If you were here I’d cuff you over the head, but you’re not, so I’ll call you an idiot again instead.”

It was that alternate universe again, where up was down and down was up and surely this had to be some way that was going to hurt him, he just didn’t know what it was yet.

“Eggsy?” Roxy said his name carefully.

“Yeah?” The word came out croaky, so he tried again. He had to clear his throat, say it again. “Yeah.”

“It doesn’t change a thing,” Roxy said firmly. “It doesn’t change a damn thing.”

“You’re mad.” Eggsy wasn’t sure what else to say. Maybe she had a concussion.

“I think between the two of us, you’re the mad one right now.” Her voice was just the right side of gentle, a tone that rubbed Eggsy all the wrong way. It wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t what he deserved.

“I don’t get it.” Wincing at the movement, he pulled his knees up to his chest. There was memories with the posture, but he didn’t care. There was safety and security there. The rational bit of him recognized it as the easiest defensive posture to take when Dean was in a bad mood, when he took the brunt of it instead of his mother.

“Why did you do those things?” There wasn’t judgment, wasn’t harshness, coming from Roxy. It was a question, pure and simple.

Eggsy opened his mouth and then stopped, surprised by what she had asked. It wasn’t something he had thought about, not really. The reason didn’t matter. Did it? He stared blankly at the floor in front of him. He knew the answer, he just didn’t want to say it.

“Eggsy,” Roxy prompted gently.

None of this was happening the way it was supposed to. None of it was going the way he expected. Instead of hatred and disgust, Roxy had given compassion. And Roxy wasn’t the type to play games, so the logical part of Eggsy knew she meant what she said. She wouldn’t say shite just because she thought it would make Eggsy happy. If she was mad at him, she said so.

He could hear his blood rushing past his ears, see the world dim a bit at its edges. It was like things were clicking into place, logic delving past the barriers and rearranging his world for the first time in years. “I’ve got to go.” He hung up on Roxy before she could reply. She would probably murder him in his sleep, but like that was any different from usual.

_ To survive. _

It was as simple as that. The drugs had gotten him through the days when he had nothing else. The sex had been for money, for his family. For him, since he was always the last one to get food.

Was it really as simple as that? Sometimes it hadn’t been for survival. Sometimes it had been because he just needed something that felt good in his life, whether it was a chemical or physical pleasure. Did that count? Did that disqualify him? Or had it been the same type of survival, just in a different way? Sometimes it was those little things that got him through a day. A week. It gave him the escape from the world he lived in, at least for a little while.

His phone beeped, a text showing up on the screen. It was from Roxy.  _ If anyone tells you otherwise, let me know. I’ll kick their arse. _

He let out a short laugh, let his bad leg stretch out, giving him some relief from the walking boot from hell. At least he hadn’t taken it off. That could be a bigger problem. He rested his chin on his good knee, staring through whatever was in front of him. He felt like he was floating, like he was only half-tethered to reality.

It was easy to feel reckless, when he didn’t feel anything. He had no conscience. There was nothing of him in there, just the shell that was cracking as it tried to assimilate what Roxy had said. Part of him was pushing back, worming in to that idea that maybe he was a good person and starting to destroy it.

But for once he didn’t want to. For once he wanted to believe something good about himself. That maybe he wasn’t who Dean told him he was, that his mother treated him as. He wasn’t a trophy, something to be proud of when he succeeded and berated for failure. Not that his family had acknowledged his success as a Kingsman, because they didn’t know.

Eggsy didn’t want to tell them, either. They would just try and take advantage of it. Of his money.

He focused on breathing, trying to reduce his heart rate, ease his ribs. They were finally starting to heal, but they had a long way to go. He felt adrift, like the only thing that was keeping him tethered to reality was the feeling of his knee against his cheek.

Letting the recklessness guide him, he stood up, ignoring the pain in his ribs, the way his foot complained. It had gone to sleep on the ground, and didn’t appreciate being made to move. He didn’t let it matter, didn’t let it interfere. He needed to do what he wanted to before he thought about it, before he second-guessed himself and pulled back.

He headed for the stairs, pausing to grab his tablet off of one of the tables and tucking it under his injured arm. He hopped up the steps, or as well as someone could with a huge boot on. Then he went straight for Merlin’s lab, knocked on the door.

The door opened slowly, Merlin’s face the neutral canvas it was when he was uncertain. Eggsy could see past him, see Daisy’s cameras up on one of his screens. “Busy?” Eggsy asked, his voice rougher than he would have liked. He was just on the sane side of wrecked at the moment, trying to prevent it from getting worse.

“Nothing that can’t wait,” Merlin said, his eyes searching Eggsy’s face. “What -”

Eggsy grabbed his hand with his good one and dragged him behind him, heading straight down the stairs and rather grateful that Merlin didn’t trip and take both of them down. Merlin kept pace with him, which wasn’t easy given how long his legs were. Not as bad as Harry’s, but it still baffled Eggsy to some extent.

“Sit.” Eggsy tugged on his hand, turning him towards the couch. Merlin sat without much dignity, which wasn’t helped by Eggsy basically trying to shove him down. Once Merlin was sitting, Eggsy moved into his lap, straddling his thighs, and wrapped his arms around Merlin, his face buried in Merlin’s neck. It was stupid and he hated it but he felt safe there.  _ Merlin _ was safety.

He would have to light that thought on fire later. Maybe.

Merlin’s arms wrapped loosely around him, like he wasn’t sure what he could do. He didn’t speak, and the silence was oddly reassuring. It was easy enough for Eggsy’s eyes to stay closed, to feel the skin of Merlin’s neck against him, to know that there was a living, breathing human being there and he wasn’t going crazy. He wasn’t facing everything alone.

He didn’t know how long he stayed there, or even if he stayed awake. It was still dark outside when he opened his eyes, when he finally unfolded. Merlin was watching him intently, but he hadn’t said anything yet, just had his hands loosely on Eggsy’s waist, steadying him.

“Thanks,” Eggsy said, his voice raspy from dehydration. His tongue felt too thick. When was the last time he had drank water? When was the last time he had eaten? Daisy had lunch, and dinner, but he couldn’t remember eating.

“Can you sit?” Merlin asked, his voice soft in a way that suited the situation without breaking whatever was between them.

“What am I doing?” Eggsy raised an eyebrow at him.

Merlin rolled his eyes but it was fond. “Here.” Using his hands on Eggsy’s waist, he helped him shift until he was sitting on the couch instead of on Merlin. It gave Merlin enough freedom to stand up.

“Sorry,” Eggsy said, even though he wasn’t sure what he was sorry for.

Merlin gave him a puzzled look. “Why?”

Eggsy shrugged. “Dunno.”

There was too much understanding in Merlin’s face for Eggsy’s liking, so he turned away, gingerly laying down on the couch and resting his feet where Merlin had been sitting. That way he could stare at the ceiling. “I’ll be right back,” Merlin said. Eggsy didn’t look up, but he could hear Merlin’s footprints heading towards the kitchen.

**

Merlin went straight for the fridge, picking up a cool bottle of water. Eggsy was dehydrated, that much was obvious. He probably hadn’t eaten anything, either, but Merlin wasn’t certain what to do about that. He didn’t want to overwhelm Eggsy on accident. As it was, he was probably pushing it.

Still, he grabbed the ice pack from the freezer on the way out. Eggsy was dressed in his usual cotton shirt and gym pants, the easiest clothes to work around his casts. “Over or under the shirt?” Merlin asked, shaking the ice pack with the hand not holding the bottle of water.

Eggsy studied him in silence for a few seconds, then shrugged.

“Drink this.” Merlin handed him the bottle of water, watching as Eggsy moved enough to sit up and drink it, even as the wincing on his face gave away what it did to his ribs. After draining half of the bottle in one go, Eggsy laid down again.

“Thanks,” Eggsy said, and he sounded much better. He still wasn’t looking at Merlin, but that could be dealt with later.

Deciding that over the shirt was both easier and safer at the moment, he carefully sat the cold pack down on Eggsy’s chest just under his pectoral muscles, targeting the ribs higher up this time. Feeling awkward standing up while Eggsy was sitting, Merlin turned to look at the other armchairs in the room, trying to pick what was closest.

“Here.” Eggsy’s voice interrupted his thoughts.

Merlin turned to look at him, an eyebrow raising in surprise as Eggsy scooted down the couch, his face not showing the pain he must have felt, but leaving enough room for Merlin to sit down. He sat before he felt weird about it, not entirely surprised when Eggsy shifted so that his head was on Merlin’s lap, his eyes half closed.

Yeah this really wasn’t going the way he had expected it to, but that wasn’t really surprising with Eggsy. Eggsy was different. Exhaustion lined Eggsy’s face, both physical and mental. Merlin wasn’t surprised when Eggsy lifted his tablet far enough to see it and let out a relieved breath. Merlin had set it up that his glasses alerted him if anything significant changed, but having a constant way to watch her was always going to be more reassuring.

“She was asleep by the time I put her in her crib,” Merlin said, reaching slightly to adjust the ice pack to where he had put it. With his other hand he hesitated, then slowly slid it into Eggsy’s hair, gently disturbing the way Eggsy had styled it. And by styled, Merlin meant he had done nothing to it. It gave Merlin something to do, somewhere to focus his attention that wasn’t the tension-but-not-tension hanging in the air.

“Good.” Eggsy exhaled, and even as he winced he looked more peaceful.

Merlin opened his mouth and then closed it, rethinking what he was going to say. ‘We should talk’ was probably not the right way to phrase it. Eggsy was actually sort of relaxed, in his definition of the word. Merlin didn’t want to cock it up.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said finally, his attention on his hand in Eggsy’s hair. Eggsy let out a sleepy hum, his green eyes opening and catching Merlin’s. It was almost foreign to see him actually open up, to see something other than the guarded mask he wore even around Daisy to some extent. Then Eggsy’s eyes narrowed, worry cutting through the green. “You said yesterday it wasn’t a decision made by one person.”

The worry didn’t fade from Eggsy’s face, and there was suspicion there now too. But he didn’t pull away. Merlin could feel him tense up, feel him guard himself, but he stayed there.

Merlin glanced away, and then looked back at Eggsy. “I don’t want you to agree to this because you feel like you owe me,” he said, his voice the level, neutral tone he preferred. It was something to hide behind, he would fully admit.

There was an incredulous expression on Eggsy’s face. “You’re blind,” he told Merlin frankly, sounding like the Eggsy Merlin had become so familiar with. “Blind as fuck, if you think this is because I owe you.”

Merlin tilted his head and looked at Eggsy, not putting the pieces together. It wasn’t that Merlin was unaware of having a crush on Eggsy, it just wasn’t something he had allowed himself to even acknowledge until Eggsy was almost through training. It wasn’t something he had even contemplated going the other way until after V-day.

Eggsy sighed, sounding tired even though his face had amused edges. “Before you agree to this, there’s something you should know.”

Chills ran through Merlin. He stayed where he was, letting Eggsy escape his grip so he could sit up, his back towards Merlin. Whatever it was, Eggsy wasn’t able to look at him while saying it. If it wasn’t feeling like he owed Merlin, what was it? Or was Eggsy opening up about whatever had broke him that night in the rain?

Merlin studied Eggsy’s back, the way the muscles tensed, his shoulders sloping up towards his ears. It couldn’t be comfortable, so whatever Eggsy had to say he didn’t want to.

The muscles of Eggsy’s back moved through the shirt as he breathed, took a deep breath in and out. The nerd in Merlin wanted to name each of the muscles he could see flex. It was one of the few things he still remembered from medical school. “I’m not a good person,” Eggsy started with. He was shaking his head before Merlin could say anything. “I just.” He stopped, seeming to search for his words. His head bowed.

It was hard not to reach out and touch the nape of Eggsy’s neck, to not try and offer comfort in any way he could. But Merlin didn’t. Somehow he knew it wouldn’t be appreciated, not at the moment.

“I’ve been clean less than two years,” Eggsy said. He lifted his head, although he still kept his back to Merlin. “That’s why I won’t take meds.” Merlin could see his arms moving, figured he was twisting his hands. “I overdosed about six months before I met Harry. Almost died.” He exhaled slowly. “Not in my records, ‘course. Jamal found me. The coke had been mixed with heroin. He’d figured it out after another one of my customers got sick. He had that drug that can reverse the opioid stuff. Narcan, or whatever.”

It took a lot of effort to sit there and remain still, but Merlin did. The desire to take Dean out was stronger than it had been. He’d done so much damage to Eggsy. So had Michelle. Narcan was the name of the drug, Eggsy was right. He had gotten lucky, in a way. The overdose could have been more dangerous if it was pure cocaine, since that wasn’t reversible. Narcan reversing the effects of the heroin probably saved his life.

“I sold drugs, too,” Eggsy continued. “Michelle started drinking after Dad died and just never stopped. Sometimes it was the only way I could get food on the table, even before Dean came into the picture.” Tension tightened his shoulders.

Merlin was now busy coming up with various painful ways for Dean to die. No matter what he came up with, nothing was bad enough. No one messed with Merlin, or those he cared about. He dragged his mind back to the present.He was watching the way Eggsy’s shoulders shook, then watched them stabilize, straighten. It was almost like someone walking towards their execution, their head held high. It was sad, especially when Merlin had a fairly good guess what was coming next.

“If I couldn’t sell drugs, I sold myself.” He shrugged. It was almost a self-conscious maneuver, and Merlin didn’t miss the way Eggsy hunched in on himself once he was done with the sentence. He let out a slow, long breath. “I’m not a good person, Merlin.”

That was the biggest load of bull that Merlin had ever heard, but he wasn’t certain if that was okay to say. “Anything else?” he said evenly.

Eggsy let out a startled laugh. “Isn’t that enough?” Slowly, gingerly he turned, not facing Merlin but turning enough that Merlin could see his profile. It wasn’t tears Merlin could see, but it was complete and utter devastation. It was the face of someone who had given up everything, for nothing in return. Even worse, it was the face of someone who thought that was what they deserved.

“You did what you had to do,” Merlin said, watching Eggsy like a hawk. While part of him would be glad to rip whomever had touched Eggsy from limb to limb, he was quite aware that wasn’t practical. Besides, his priority at the moment was Eggsy. The situation could very quickly become dire. Casts or no, Eggsy could run and hide. Merlin had taught him well.

“How do you know?” Eggsy stood and turned to see him, meeting Merlin’s eyes for the first time since he had started talking. His voice, his eyes, were angry. Not at Merlin, not really. At himself, at the world. Everything.

Merlin lifted his chin, feeling horribly out of his depth. It was never a comfortable feeling. “I don’t,” he said shortly. “I never will.”

Eggsy’s hands balled into fists, or as best as his casted arm could do, but he didn’t move. He just watched, stared.

“We come from very different worlds,” Merlin said evenly. “Not just in terms of income, but generational, as well.”

“Are you calling yourself old?” There was a ghost of a smile on Eggsy’s face.

“Older, not ancient, thank you,” Merlin said dryly, glad that there was at least a little bit of levity in the situation. “I am never going to be able to walk in your shoes. Never truly understand. It’s not something that will ever change.”

Eggsy’s hands unfurled slowly, the anger starting to pass. “Why do you have to be so fuckin’ logical?”

“It comes in handy in my job,” Merlin said, and that was the truth. Every bit of his job. “Eggsy, if -” Merlin steeled himself. “If it’s decided to move forward, there’s going to have to be conversations had.”

“I remember enough of my English classes to say that’s a clever use of passive voice,” Eggsy quipped.

Merlin couldn’t argue, because it was true. He didn’t want to say too much, didn’t want to say too little. It was a balancing game he wasn’t sure he could win. Not that there was a winner. Was that the more complicated bit? “I am serious,” Merlin said, his voice on the gentler side. Not patronizing, not over-the-top serious, but lighter than the tone he would have used on Eggsy as a recruit. This wasn’t that. This was different, something for just them.

“Conversations like what?” Eggsy steeled himself, widening his stance and keeping his arms loose in case he had to use them.

It was almost like he expected Merlin to punch him. Why, Merlin had no idea. But he could guess. Instead he ticked off points on his fingers. “Whether work is informed. Whether Daisy is told. How to handle Daisy’s situation, given either way.”

“You can say we,” Eggsy said, exasperated. “I’m not a checklist.” There was a twitch just above his right eye, likely stress-induced.

“That’s true.” Merlin didn’t make a face. He was dignified, and besides, he didn’t want Eggsy to get the wrong idea. The last thing he wanted was for Eggsy to misunderstand. They had come so far, and if he screwed it up, he wouldn’t really forgive himself. “If we decide this will be a thing -”

“That we’d be a couple?” Eggsy seemed to be relaxing now, and he crossed his arms over his chest.

Merlin gave him a hint of a sour look, but he was hiding the way his lips twitched up as if to smile. “Yes, that.”

“Then say it.” Eggsy tilted his head to one side. It wasn’t challenging, no. It was more almost playful? Like he was getting some amusement out of torturing Merlin.

Merlin sighed, but when he met Eggsy’s eyes there was fondness there. “Do I have to?”

“What if you think you owe me?” Eggsy cocked his head to the side. “For what I have no idea, but.” He shrugged.

“If we become a couple, then,” Merlin managed, trying to ignore the way Eggsy smiled. It was distracting, dangerously so. It wasn’t mocking, it wasn’t wicked. It was soft and gentle and tired and just. Eggsy. It was Eggsy without the guards down, showing genuine happiness for himself for the first time Merlin had ever seen.

“Are there work policies about that stuff?” Eggsy shifted where he stood, but didn’t move to sit.

“You can sit on that side if you’d like,” Merlin said, nodding to the other side of the couch.

Eggsy shook his head. “Not yet.”

Merlin inclined his head, accepting and agreeing. “There’s no Kingsman policies against it, no.” He tried not to let the wry tone twist his words too much. “It wasn’t very much anticipated, I believe.”

Eggsy frowned, but it was thoughtful. “There’s been other ‘inter-Kingsman’ relationships before?” He even made the air quotes.

“And there will be going forward, if I have anything to say about it,” Merlin muttered. When Eggsy just looked at him, Merlin half-smiled. “Not just us.”

Eggsy pointed at him, but it wasn’t pressuring or harsh. “You’re going to tell me about that later.”

“We’ll see,” Merlin said evasively. If he didn’t tell Eggsy about Harry and Percival, there were certainly other things he could arm Eggsy with. “Harry is scheduled to return to the UK mid next week, in order to assume the Arthur position once he is feeling better.”

Excitement and then worry crossed over Eggsy’s face. Merlin watched him, watched the way his eyes flickered and shifted, the way he tilted his head ever the smallest movement. What was he thinking? “That’s why you asked about work relationships?”

“Among other things,” Merlin said with a nod. “If we go forward, it will mean I can’t be your sole handler anymore. Harry will sign off on anything I’m involved with, as pertaining to you.”

“What does Harry think of that?” Both of Eggsy’s eyebrows were raised.

“He doesn’t know yet,” Merlin said. He wasn’t particularly looking forward to that. “He’s going to be smug, the insufferable bastard.”

“Prat,” Eggsy corrected with a glance at his tablet.

Merlin let out a short laugh. “Yes, a prat.” His eyes flickered to Eggsy’s tablet, even though he could see one of the feeds on his glasses display. “Daisy is the more immediate concern.”

“She likes you,” Eggsy said, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth so sharply Merlin thought he was going to cut it.

“I am fond of her as well.” Merlin glanced at the footage of her sleeping and tried not to smile. He had known her such a short time, but there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do to keep her safe.

Some of the vulnerability had returned to Eggsy’s face, like he wasn’t certain about his suggestions or how they were going to be received. “She doesn’t trust easily,” he said slowly. “I don’t…” Eggsy frowned. “I don’t want to take away someone she trusts.”

Merlin’s brows knitted together in confusion.

Eggsy met his eyes, steadiness there now. “No matter what happens with this -” He pointed from Merlin to himself -”Daisy is still paramount. I don’t want you to leave her life if she wants you there.” He lifted his chin a fraction, a defensive movement.

Merlin let himself take a breath in and out, trying to gather and process what Eggsy had just said. “I’m afraid I don’t know what means in practical terms.”

Eggsy laughed, seemingly caught off guard, and his lips curved up into a smile, tired though it was. “I think, as long as Daisy wants you, you should stay in her life.” He paused, something flashing through his eyes that Merlin couldn’t read. “You already take care of her more than her biological parents do.”

Anger dueled with warmth in Merlin’s mind, so he kept his face neutral. Yes, okay, he quite liked the idea that Daisy liked him, trusted him even. But to know that her own parents didn’t treat her that well? The people who had decided to have her in the first place? It was one thing to know abstractly, and another to meet and fall in love with the little girl who had suffered so badly because of it.

Oh god Merlin was so screwed. Because yeah, that didn’t just include Daisy. That was something he was going to leave alone for now. “That still doesn’t answer the question,” Merlin said gently.

Eggsy’s eye roll told him that he knew that. “Harry’s going to figure it out, isn’t he?” His words told Merlin he wasn’t done dodging the question.

Merlin’s eye twitched. “Unfortunately.”

Eggsy laughed. “How much does he know already?”

“Not as much as you would think,” Merlin said. “Anything that has happened since V-day, beyond the basic scope of your injuries, has stayed confidential.”

Surprise flashed across Eggsy’s face, and then a shred of happiness. “Boundaries?”

“Boundaries,” Merlin agreed. Even though he was absolutely dying to listen to what had happened in the Eggsy/Michelle conversation. But Eggsy would tell him. Theoretically. If not, Merlin would have to entertain himself by meddling in Harry’s love life.

“We could have Harry by and tell him,” Eggsy said slowly.

Merlin immediately stood up, an alarm clanging loudly in his head. “No.”

Eggsy froze, fear flashing across his face before he shut it down.

“Fuck.” Merlin rubbed his fingers across his forehead. “It’s not I don’t want to tell him. I just don’t want Harry to know where this place is.”

Eggsy raised his eyebrows, some of the stress easing up. “Super secret hideout?”

“Imagine what living with Harry would be like,” Merlin said dryly. “I did that once, and I never, ever want to do it again.”

“That bad?” Glee lit up Eggsy’s eyes.

“The stories I could tell.” Merlin sighed, then cast around, looking for where he had left the Scotch. He looked up when Eggsy’s hand landed on his wrist, his eyes dark. Not in need or want, but something else. Something more solemn. “Yes?”

“I want you to hide the alcohol,” Eggsy said, the words slow at first. “You don’t have to stop drinking, I just.” He moved his hands to his sides and looked away. “I don’t trust myself.”

It hit Merlin like a freight train. The Scotch. The blasted, bloody Scotch.

“Don’t beat yourself up,” Eggsy said, apparently reading him like a book. “You didn’t know.”

“I should have,” Merlin muttered. He moved out from in front of the couch, trying not to pace. It didn’t stop him from taking a few steps, staring at the carpet.

“Hey.” Eggsy snapped his fingers.

Merlin gave him a ‘really?’ expression. Eggsy just stared back, not impressed.

“You didn’t know because I didn’t tell you,” Eggsy said firmly. “I don’t expect or want you to be psychic.”

Yeah but that was what Merlin was expected to do in his job. That was just how things worked. “Okay.” But Eggsy was an adult and he could make his own decisions, and a relationship - if he had to think about that word - was made with compromise on both sides. “What about in front of Daisy?” That was the final question Merlin had, really. He didn’t want to do anything Eggsy wasn’t comfortable with, didn’t want to risk doing anything that would harm Daisy unintentionally. Not that Daisy would be scarred, but kids sometimes got stressed when a new parental figure entered their life and she had gone through enough.

Eggsy smirked. “We don’t do that in front of kids.”

Merlin let out an exasperated sigh, but there was a smile there, too.

“I don’t think she’ll mind,” Eggsy said slowly. There was a frown creasing his forehead. “She’s already fond of you.” Something sparked in Eggsy’s eyes and he tilted his head back, almost nodding to himself. “She trusts you because I do, I think.”

Merlin stared. He didn’t even care that Eggsy could see it.

Eggsy tilted his head, amusement written across his face. “You didn’t know that?”

“I did,” Merlin said. He stopped. “Sort of.”

“I don’t want to trust you, but I do.” Eggsy shrugged. “Fucking annoying, that.”

Merlin just made a thoughtful noise, watching Eggsy intently. What did he mean by that?

There was something distant to Eggsy’s eyes, but when he turned to look at Merlin, it was gone. Some memory, perhaps, or something else he was guarding. “This isn’t going to be easy,” Eggsy said, his voice so soft Merlin could barely hear him.

“Considering our last day at work was you being chased by an army of soldiers who were also attempting to torpedo the plane I was on, I wouldn’t expect it to be.” Merlin kept his voice level, injected a tiny bit of levity. He didn’t want Eggsy to feel bad, or feel like he was the only one that worried. Because yeah, Merlin worried a lot. He worried Eggsy would regret it, that he would push too far too fast, that he wouldn’t push far enough and Eggsy would be hurt that way, that he would do something wrong - the list went on and on. “You have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable, yeah?”

“Of course.” Eggsy frowned.

Merlin shook his head. “I mean out loud, or a signal, or something.” He was starting to feel drained. A lot of emotions had hit at once, and some of the adrenaline that had built when Eggsy fetched him was finally starting to fade. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and not know it, only catch it long enough to see it disappear off of your face.”

“You’re a poet,” Eggsy teased.

“And you’re dodging the question,” Merlin countered.

Eggsy scowled at him, but it wasn’t a real scowl. It was Eggsy knowing Merlin was right and not wanting to admit it. “I’ll try,” he said finally. “That’s what I can promise.”

Merlin nodded, searching Eggsy’s face just in case he was missing something. “I’ll take it.”

Eggsy studied him back, shifting almost hesitantly, like he wasn’t certain what was allowed and what wasn’t. This was a new game, with new rules, and it wasn’t one either of them had played before.

Fuck it. Merlin moved forward, his steps purposeful and measured so Eggsy could see what he was doing. The last thing Merlin wanted to do was startle him. If Merlin was feeling drained, Eggsy had to be exhausted. Instead he got close enough that he could lean forward, tilt his head, raise an eyebrow. Ask permission without saying it.

Eggsy half-laughed, half-smiled. It was tired, it was drained, but it was him. Grabbing Merlin by his jumper he pulled him close, leaning up slightly so that their mouths met. Merlin’s eyes fluttered closed, and it was a sweet, chaste kiss. He doubted either of them felt up to anything else, even without taking into account Eggsy’s injuries.

When they parted, Eggsy was watching him carefully, searching for something. Merlin had no idea what, so he just looked back. Eggsy still had an arm wrapped around him, so they couldn’t part that far. “So does this mean I can call you my boyfriend?” Eggsy winked, a smile playing at his lips.

Merlin looked up at the ceiling. “I’d prefer something less juvenile.”

“Partner?” Eggsy wrinkled his nose. “Nope.” He looked thoughtful. “I’m pretty sure Harry would suffer a heart attack if we picked lover, or babe, and Medical would be pretty pissed, since they get to patch him up.” He paused. “More pissed at me than they are already.”

Merlin sighed as if he was the most long-suffering man in the history of humanity. “Fine. Boyfriend it is,” he said, ignoring the thrill that ran through him. He couldn’t resist leaning down and kissing Eggsy again. It wasn’t heat, it wasn’t intensity. It was the gentle sort of intimacy where they just existed together.

It wasn’t something Merlin was unfamiliar with, it just didn’t normally develop in that sort of pattern. Usually sex was first, intimacy second. But this was reversed, and surprisingly, Merlin...preferred it. Oh god he was turning into a sap. Harry was going to mock him forever.

Then his glasses started ringing. Merlin sighed loudly enough that Eggsy let go, stepped back.

“Harry?” Eggsy asked, amused.

“Unfortunately.” Merlin debated whether to end the call or just let him go to glass-voicemail.

“I’m gonna get some sleep, okay?” Eggsy looked at Merlin, that strangely deep gaze that sort of made Merlin uncomfortable but in a good way. He wasn’t used to someone staring at him like they were trying to memorize everything about him. It was strangely vulnerable. “Don’t stay up too late working.” He stepped up on his good toes and kissed Merlin one last time, then pulled back, picking up his tablet and heading for the stairs.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said, before he could stop himself. Eggsy half-turned to look at him, curiosity on his face. “Good night.”

A smile crinkled Eggsy’s face and Merlin was so far gone it was ridiculous. “Night.” He gave Merlin a sweeping bow, as accurately as one could with a cast on, and then headed up the stairs with a grace that seemed to belie his exhaustion.

Harry started calling again. With a sigh, Merlin tapped the glasses once Eggsy was out of sight. “Hello, Harry.”

“What could you possibly be doing at this hour?” Harry asked/demanded. Then he paused. “Besides Eggsy.”

“Very funny,” Merlin said dryly. “How’s Percival?”

Harry sniffed, apparently choosing to not dignify that with an answer. “Why is it not Wednesday yet?”

Merlin looked at the ceiling as if it would magically make Harry’s ceiling drop on top of him. “I don’t control the time,” he said, wondering if any of Harry’s doctors or nurses had fled screaming yet.

Harry made a suspicious noise. “You’re downstairs.”

“Yes, this place does have two floors.” Merlin resisted the urge to cut the feed out so Harry couldn’t see. He didn’t want Harry guessing where he was by seeing the window, or something else inane. Instead he stared at the ground, not daring to go anywhere near the stairs or Eggsy and Daisy’s room. No doubt Harry would make guesses based on the way he looked around, or something. Wanker.

“You talked to him, then.” Harry sounded satisfied.

“Have I told you I hate you?” Merlin lifted his head, grumbling as he headed up the stairs, Harry be damned.

“Yes,” Harry replied matter-of-factly. “I’ll make sure to tell Eggsy you hurt my feelings.”

“Like you have feelings.”

“That  _ hurts _ , Merlin.”

Merlin stopped at the top of the stairs and just stared pointedly at his office door. He wasn’t even going to dignify that with an answer.

Shaking his head, Merlin headed towards his office door. He paused with it halfway open, surprised at how much the ridiculous, pointless banter could do to make him feel better, even when it was basically nonsensical. “Harry?”

“Hm?” Harry had apparently gotten sidetracked with his crossword.

“What did you do to worry that you wouldn’t be flying on Wednesday?” Merlin had a sinking feeling that he didn’t want to know.

Harry cleared his throat, the crossword book suddenly closing. “My physical therapist is here.” Then the feed went dead.

Merlin sighed, but he was smiling. Still, he went to his computer and sent Lynette a message before he got to work. Whether it kept Harry from flying or not, Merlin wanted to know the details.

Blackmail material was always useful. Especially when it came to Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have a bit of an "angst problem".


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tendinitis again, plus an insane amount of work. ;) Prioritizing this fic right now because it's what I feel like working on. Enjoy!

It was the sound of crying that dragged Eggsy back into wakefulness. Alarmed, he sat up. The crying turning into sobbing, Daisy hiccuping between sobs. Immediately he was out of his bed, aware of the beeping from the tablet. He had slept through the alert. Fuck.

Daisy was standing up in her crib, her nose running and her small hands grasping the side facing towards Eggsy. Her eyes were watery and her whole body was shaking. Eggsy eased her up into his arms, carefully holding her close, staring to rock her back and forth. “It’s okay, love,” he murmured, feeling the way Daisy’s arms tightened around him. She curled against him, like he was safety. Security.

“Mum,” Daisy sniffed, tucking her head further into Eggsy’s neck. “Where Mum?”

Eggsy’s heart broke. He had been waiting for this. He just wished he could fix it. “Mum is getting some help,” he said, bouncing her gently. When she was older, he would have to explain it properly. How? He had no idea. “Until she’s better, you’re going to stay here with me and Merlin. That okay?”

“Mu-h-hum,” Daisy sniff-wailed, the word breaking into multiple syllables.

Eggsy closed his eyes, ignoring the tears that threatened to brim. What if he was making the wrong decision? What if Daisy was going to be forever scarred by Eggsy taking her away from Michelle? What if Daisy would hate him when he was older? “I know, Dais.” He sank onto the edge of his bed, his ribs protesting. He stayed where he was, ignoring the pain.

There was that part of his brain again, the voice that told him  _ you deserve to hurt _ . That the pain he was feeling was his due for the mistakes he had made, for the hurt he had put others through. No matter what he did, it would always be  _ wrong _ . Daisy was crying against his shoulder now, her sobs softer, her whole body hitching.

The door opened near-silently, Merlin sliding in without disturbing either of them. He met Eggsy’s eyes, worry there. He looked a bit rumpled, like his jumper had been pulled on hastily over a plain shirt and his slacks were more like sweatpants. Had he actually been sleeping?

“I think she had a nightmare,” Eggsy said, aware his voice was sleep-rough. Merlin frowned at him, although Eggsy wasn’t sure why. His posture? His expression? Something else?

“Would she be okay in the lab?” Merlin lifted his chin slightly.

Eggsy’s arms tightened around Daisy, the only tell-tale sign the twinge in his ribs and arms. He hadn’t even meant to do it.

“I didn’t mean you staying behind,” Merlin amended. His eyes fell on the bed Eggsy was sitting on, suspicion there. “The chairs in my lab are better for your back if you’re going to sit up.”

Some of the tension in Eggsy’s chest eased. He hated the knee-jerk reaction, the tendency to judge and worry before actually asking or listening. It was a defense mechanism, one that served him well when his life was in danger. But his life wasn’t in danger here. He was safe.

If only he could get his brain to understand.

Daisy stirred against him, turning her head to look at Merlin. She didn’t speak this time, just staying close to Eggsy. There wasn’t tension in her movements, though. She didn’t seem afraid. Just exhausted.

“Dais, we’re going to go hang out with Merlin, okay?” Eggsy shifted slightly to kiss her head. “Or do you want to go to sleep?”

Daisy’s arms tightened around him like a vise, hurting his ribs. He was fine with that.

“One second,” Merlin said, turning and picking up a tablet by the door and typing rapidly on it with one hand. Then he nodded, pushing open the door leading to the hallway. Eggsy blinked in surprise. The lights had been dimmed. “I didn’t want to hurt her eyes.”

Eggsy met Merlin’s gaze, and let himself smile. “Thanks.” He was grateful. The fact that Merlin looked after Daisy - and him, too - was something that he didn’t want to think about. But it was nice. It made an uncomfortable sort of warmth seep through his body, the type of warmth that made him feel cared for. It was dangerous.

Following Merlin into his lab, Eggsy was surprised to see both the lights and the computers had their brightness adjusted to a comfortable level. Merlin was already moving the chairs around, moving the tallest but most comfortable-looking chair closer to Eggsy. Before he sat down, Eggsy studied Merlin’s face, his hand moving up and down Daisy’s back absently. She was quieter now. Not that Eggsy was certain he wanted to let her go, or let her go to sleep in her crib again. He wanted to be there when she woke up.

“You were asleep, weren’t you?” Eggsy sat carefully in the chair, sighing in relief as it supported his back in all the right places while allowing Daisy to stay propped up against him. Theoretically he should have checked in with Medical. He was fairly certain it wasn’t normal for cracked ribs to hurt that long. But he had bigger priorities.

“I do have to sleep occasionally,” Merlin said, his voice soft but amused. He adjusted his jumper almost self-consciously, looking down at the rumpled wool with a mildly distressed look.

“I thought you were a robot.” Eggsy half-smiled, his attention turning to Daisy as she moved against him, the small, warm movements of a sleeping toddler. His heart threatened to break, to shatter even further than it already had.

Merlin chuckled, then fell quiet.

Eggsy didn’t risk a glance at him, nerves making his fingers shake. He felt open and vulnerable in a way he didn’t like. He had bared so much of himself in the last twelve hours and he wasn’t sure he could handle any more. What if he crossed over one more boundary, one last threshold that sent Merlin running away?

“Harry attempted to escape the hospital.”

Eggsy looked up at Merlin, surprised to see a wry twist of his lips. “What?”

“Lynette sent me the report.” Merlin sank down into his computer chair, his fingers flying across the board. Gratefulness welled up in Eggsy’s chest, and he shoved it down. There wasn’t time for that. “He managed to get a pair of scrubs, disguised himself, and almost made it to the elevator before his physical therapist caught him.”

Eggsy whistled, then glanced down at Daisy to make sure she was still asleep. She slept like a log, but after the nightmare he wanted to be careful. “I thought I was a bad patient.”

“I imagine the hospital is more than ready to be done with him.” Amusement colored Merlin’s words, falling light in the air between them.

Apparently Eggsy was poetic at fuck-o’clock in the morning. Who would have known. He shifted back in the chair, his gaze moving away from Merlin. It was easy to keep running a hand up and down Daisy’s back, the rhythmic pattern soothing him more than her. Last night - technically it was still the same night, wasn’t it? - had stripped him of a lot of things. He still felt raw, unable to hide it behind smiles and smug expressions, witty banter and deflections. Even worse, he had a feeling Merlin could tell.

It was almost like they were at a standstill, Eggsy not wanting to admit how he felt and Merlin worried to ask. Or did he not care? No, that didn’t make sense. Merlin wouldn’t have done anything like what he had if he didn’t care. Eggsy exhaled slowly and closed his eyes. He could feel Merlin’s eyes on him but he didn’t acknowledge them, not now.

For all it had been put into words the night before, Eggsy still hesitated to take that final step. Every time he thought about it, his heart started to race, his palms sweating. There was trust required to take that final jump, and for all he trusted Merlin, he didn’t trust him completely. There was too many years of looking after himself, not needing anyone.

If you trusted someone, you were giving them the power to destroy you.

Merlin cleared his throat, drawing Eggsy’s attention. There was a thin veneer of concern underneath his neutral expression. “If you’ve changed your mind about anything we discussed...” Merlin trailed off, as if he wasn’t certain how to finish that sentence. “You can say no at any time.”

It was exhaustion that kept Eggsy from smiling, but he half-shook his head, the movement careful. “It’s not that.”

Merlin eyed him doubtfully.

“Same for you, y’know.” Eggsy glanced at Merlin, then looked away.

“I don’t exactly have a problem speaking my mind.” Merlin arched an eyebrow in Eggsy’s direction.

Eggsy chuckled at that. That wasn’t entirely the truth, he was fairly certain. In this - between them, whatever it was - Merlin was as much adrift as Eggsy was. It was both reassuring and terrifying. Eggsy had worked his way through enough of those types of situations, the ones where he had no idea what he was doing, to know he was fond of them but only when they didn’t involve emotions. Breaking into a bunker and taking down thugs? Yes. Any sort of feelings thing? No. Nope. Not at all.

He turned his attention to the floor, the tip of his walking boot poking out. “When will Daisy get an appointment?” It was easier to talk about Daisy, a neutral sort of thing. Daisy was sort of like Switzerland, except not.

“I can have a physician here tomorrow, if you would like.” Merlin frowned slightly and turned towards his computer, tapping at it.

“By tomorrow you mean today?”

Merlin looked at Eggsy, his forehead creasing as he studied him. “If you would prefer.”

Fuck. Eggsy looked away, held Daisy a bit tighter. His toe was tapping against the ground. Ruthlessly he forced his attention back to what was in front of him, dragged his breathing back to normal. Or as normal as it was going to get. It was the ever-familiar energy under his skin, fear and adrenaline becoming a potent mixture.

Worst of all, Eggsy knew part of the reason he was calming down, part of the reason he could get himself under control, was because Merlin was in the room.

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was gentle in that irritating sort of way, the way that grated over Eggsy’s nerves and left him feeling scraped bare.

Eggsy looked at him and immediately wished he hadn’t. Fuck. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he opened them again. But the tension was draining out of him, the anger, the fight-or-flight returning to its normal simmer. Merlin looked at him like he cared. Like Eggsy was worth something.

Cognizant of Daisy against his chest, he leaned back to look up at the ceiling, hating how weak he felt. “I hate this.”

Merlin moved in his chair, the faint creak echoing loudly in the quiet room. “Hate what?”

Eggsy exhaled slowly, Daisy shifting in his grasp and the last bits of fight draining from his muscles. “Trusting people.” It always got him in trouble. Depending on others, trusting them - but hadn’t he done that with Merlin in the bunker? That was different, however. That was work. This was something else.

But was it? Or was that just one more excuse to push people away?

Merlin hummed, the low, thoughtful sound annoyingly soothing. But this time Eggsy let himself relax, be soothed by the hum rather than irritated. It was early, his defenses down. The world wasn’t exploding, or ending. Daisy was still asleep. No one had shouted at him, broke him down. Maybe it was okay to be vulnerable every once in a while.

“You should put a bed in here,” Eggsy muttered, mostly to himself.

“Already ordered,” Merlin said absently. He glanced at Eggsy. “And a crib that can convert into a bed once she’s bigger.”

“Oh.” Eggsy wasn’t sure what to say to that. “You don’t have to.”

Merlin chuckled, the sound unmistakably fond. “I’m well aware.”

Eggsy wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he stayed where he was, half his attention on Daisy and half on Merlin.

“You should sleep,” Merlin said, facing mostly towards his computer but obviously keeping an eye on Eggsy.

Eggsy thinned his lips, plucking gently at the back of Daisy’s pajamas. He knew what he wanted to say, wanted to ask for, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to say it out loud.

“I can’t read your mind.” Merlin turned to face Eggsy more fully now. His eyes were warm and serious, solemn but sincere.

Eggsy opened his mouth, closed it. Looked away. Shook his head. “I’ll go put her to bed.” He stood gingerly, ensuring that Daisy was comfortable. Shame made his cheeks heat, but he ignored it as best he could. Instead he walked over to Merlin, supported Daisy carefully and gave Merlin a quick kiss. “Night.”

“Good night,” Merlin said, his voice too warm for Eggsy’s liking.

It was only later, once Daisy was in her crib and Eggsy in his bed alone, that he let himself think what he wanted. It wasn’t even Merlin in his bed - Eggsy had nightmares, they probably weren’t ready for that. But being able to see him, know that Merlin was there - it was a reassurance he wanted but didn’t deserve.

Adrenaline and exhaustion took over, and eventually Eggsy fell asleep.

**

Merlin had never been more nervous over something so ridiculous in his life. He fiddled with his tablet even though Lynette had kicked him off before she had gotten on the jet home. It gave him something to do with his hands, something to pay attention to other than glancing at Eggsy, who was holding Daisy with one of those smiles on his face.

He was going to murder Harry.

“Ree ree?” Daisy caught Merlin off guard.

“Harry,” Eggsy said, enunciating. Although Merlin had not been able to attend the appointment, Eggsy had briefed him afterwards. Okay, and Merlin had interrogated the doctor. He had his limits, and Daisy was someone he wanted to protect. Language delays, mild speech delay. Cognitively she was fine. She just hadn’t had the language exposure needed to develop the vocabulary most children had.

Merlin tucked that factoid away with the others so he didn’t break the tablet by gripping it too hard. Instead he turned to look at Eggsy, ignoring that it was a blatant sort of observation. It was the first time they had been back in the Kingsman Mansion since they had left, and while Merlin felt fine, he was less certain about Eggsy. He glared at the tablet as if it would have the answers for him if he interrogated it.

“Prat,” Merlin muttered under his breath. When he looked back up, he saw Eggsy looking at him with amused disapproval.

“Plat,” Daisy agreed. Then she stuck her fingers underneath Eggsy’s glasses. Merlin bit back a smile.

They were standing up above the hangar, shielded from the noise. Merlin watched as Harry’s plane wheeled its way in. “Would you like to go down to meet him?” Merlin arched an eye in Eggsy’s direction.

Eggsy adjusted Daisy on his hip. “Do you want that to happen in public?” There was a flash of vulnerability in the way he looked at Merlin, before it was quickly hidden behind his guards.

“Would you be more comfortable in Medical?” Merlin was already tapping his screen, even though his attention was on Eggsy. It was easy enough to arrange Harry’s private room. He was getting back to normal, but he had a significant amount of rehab in front of him and the medical unit would keep him for at least a week.

Hopefully. Maybe. Harry did what he wanted.

Merlin made a thoughtful noise. Actually, that could achieve two purposes. “Have you had a check-up recently?”

Eggsy stiffened at that. He didn’t look at Merlin.

Well there was his answer. “I can watch Daisy.”

Eggsy looked at her, his fake smile back on his face. “I’m okay, promise.”

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was low enough no one else could hear, even if anyone else had been around. He took a half-step closer. Eggsy was the one that would dictate how things went. No one would mess with Merlin. Or if they did, they would regret it quite quickly.

Eggsy jostled Daisy gently, earning a giggle. She laid her head on his shoulder, wide eyes focused on Merlin. She reached an arm out towards him.

“May I?” Merlin tilted his head, tucking his tablet under an arm.

Eggsy let out a long sigh. “Yeah.” He shifted so that Merlin could pick Daisy up, tucking her firmly against his hip in a way he had become quite familiar with.

“We’re going to walk your brother to medical,” Merlin told her. That was one of the things the doctor had said. Talk to her a lot, encourage her to name things. All of it would help with her language development skills. “He’s going to get a check-up.”

“Brek-up?” Daisy scrunched her face up.

“Check-up,” Merlin said. He looked at Eggsy, who offered him a half-smile. Then Eggsy turned on his heel and headed down towards the tube that would take them to Medical. It wasn’t far, and Daisy had seemed to enjoy the tube.

She giggled and clapped her hands, light brown hair carefully combed back by Eggsy that morning, with a little blue barrette keeping some of it out of her eyes. Not that it stayed where it was supposed to. As they settled down, Daisy in Merlin’s lap, he pulled the barrette out. It couldn’t be that hard, could it?

“You’re going to regret that,” Eggsy said, amusement lighting his face.

Wisely, Merlin didn’t say what he was thinking. He was smart enough that he didn’t want to jinx himself. Daisy crawled to her feet, shoes digging into Merlin’s slacks. He was going to have imprints, but he didn’t care. “Mewin.” Daisy let him hold her up, staring intently at her.

“Yes, Miss Daisy?” Merlin raised his eyebrows at her. He didn’t feel nearly comfortable enough to use Eggsy’s nickname. For all that he and Eggsy were apparently dating (god Merlin hated that word), things were still...something. What was the point in progress if it didn’t actually go anywhere?

“Plat.” Daisy shriek-giggled and slapped her hands on his head.

Using one hand to hold her up, he gently caught her hands with his other. “We don’t smack others,” Merlin said reasonably. That was something parents said, right? That didn’t stop him from sneaking a glance at Eggsy to see how he was taking it. Eggsy just looked amused.

“Mewin?” Daisy sniffled, her eyes filling up with tears.

“She didn’t get her morning nap,” Eggsy said when it apparently dawned on him.

Well shit. “Come here, Daisy,” Merlin said, pressing a careful kiss to her cheek before settling her down on his lap so he could reach her hair. Every time he held her, took care of her, it twisted his heart further into a knot. Each day he fell further and further. When was he going to crash? When was it all going to end?

She sat still, her eyes holding his, as he put the barrette back in her hair and closed it. She didn’t reach for him, didn’t smack him. Just stared. It sent shivers down Merlin’s spine, the intimacy of it. Was this why people had children?

“There you go.” Merlin smiled, gently easing Daisy down so she could sit on his lap. Instead of going willingly, she wriggled out of his grasp and turned around, curling up against him and tucking her head against his neck. Merlin swallowed thickly, wrapping an arm around her as the tube started to slide to a stop.

“She likes you,” Eggsy said, his voice soft.

Merlin didn’t blush. He was a grownup and mature and whatnot. But he could feel heat flush on his cheeks. Ignoring Eggsy, and not really able to ignore Daisy, he stood carefully once the tube stopped. Before Merlin could pick up his tablet, Eggsy grabbed it, gripping it in his good hand and tucking against his side.

“That way you can hold her,” Eggsy said with a shrug.

“Shhh,” Daisy muttered, turning her head the other way.

“You’ve been told,” Merlin said softly, unable to help a grin. Steeling himself, he headed towards medical, Eggsy at his side. It wasn’t the first time he had been there with Daisy or Eggsy, but it felt like something was blinking on his forehead, some explanation of what had happened at Merlin’s over the past couple weeks.

Eggsy shook his head, fond. Morgana met them at the entrance, her eyebrows raised. Merlin could hear the bustle behind her, presumably of getting Harry to his designated room and locking him in.

“Did you break something again?” Morgana didn’t look impressed.

“Check-up,” Merlin said before Eggsy could say anything. “X-rays, bloodwork, the works.”

Morgana just looked at him.

“Please,” Merlin added.

“Tank you,” Daisy said, gripping his neck tighter.

Morgana’s face softened, and okay, yeah, Merlin was sort of bowled over by the adorableness of the child he was holding. His not-really-child but the child-he-sort-of-took-care-of-sometimes-maybe.

Yeah that was a mouthful.

“Is Harry situated?” Merlin asked.

Morgana’s lips turned into a thin line. “They’re locking him in his room as we speak.”

Merlin turned to look at Eggsy. Daisy was his, it was his permission Merlin wanted.

“Don’t let Harry corrupt her,” Eggsy said, flashing Merlin a smile that was tired but genuine.

“I won’t.” Merlin let his eyes soften, let himself double-check that Eggsy did look okay. He wasn’t sure what Eggsy was comfortable with, what he wasn’t.

Eggsy stepped forward, pressing a kiss to Daisy’s cheek and gently squeezing Merlin’s hand. “If she’s swearing when I get back, you’re in trouble.” He tried to look threatening and failed.

When Merlin turned to look at Morgana, she was watching them with a gleeful expression. Well there was that. So much for a secret. “Harry’s in room three,” Morgana told him. Then she turned to Eggsy, and gestured for him to follow her. He did.

Merlin stood there with Daisy for a few seconds, waiting to see what would happen. Would she protest? Would she cry? With a few exceptions, it had primarily been the three of them.

Okay that was a dangerous train of thought.

“Egg?” Daisy mumbled, her fingers pinching the skin on the back of his neck like it was reassuring. It didn’t hurt that bad, so Merlin allowed it.

“He’s going to get checked out by the doctor,” Merlin said, letting his cheek rest against her head, let himself press a quick kiss to her soft hair. It was reassuring to have her this close, to know that she was okay. To know that no one would get to her as long as he or Eggsy were around. “Like you saw the doctor a couple days ago.”

“Dogtor,” Daisy said. “Nigh nigh.” She curled almost impossibly closer.

“Are you taking your nap?” Merlin started to walk in Harry’s direction. He wasn’t certain if her taking a nap would make things better or worse. “Or would you like to meet Harry?”

Daisy bolted straight up at that. “Ree Ree?”

“Yes,” Merlin said, standing a few feet away from Harry’s door. “While Eggsy’s with the doctor, do you want to go see Harry?” Harry was good with kids. Maybe he could give Merlin some tips.

And yeah, Harry was able to charm the kids all the time and Daisy would swoon and smile and giggle and Merlin would feel put out about it but he could deal with that later. He wasn’t jealous. Nope.

Okay a little.

“Ree ree,” Daisy said, looking at him and poking his cheek. “Now.”

“Yes ma’am.” Merlin smiled at her, heading forward. To his surprise, Daisy leaned forward and planted a smacking kiss on his cheek. That was one of the downsides of not having hair. The flush that would have started on his cheeks was evident closer to his ears, and without hair to hide it, it was easy to see the flush move up or down from there.

Not sure what to say to that or how to respond, he just hugged her gently, and ensuring no one else was around, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. She smiled at him.

Shoving his heart and focus and whatnot back to their respective spots, he knocked on Harry’s door.

“If you’re here to shout at me, I don’t want to talk to you.” Harry was already sulking, then. Excellent. Maybe Daisy would be good for him.

“Too bad you don’t have feelings,” Merlin said as he opened the door, stepping inside. Daisy curled closer to Merlin, looking at Harry out of the corner of her eyes. Merlin closed the door behind them, then took a couple steps forwards.

Harry didn’t look quite as bad as he had expected. Part of his hair was still growing back, but Harry had adjusted the part to make up for it. There was a partially-covered scar that was jagged and pink, going from the upper corner of his eye to his hairline. He was dressed in his usual silk pajamas, probably either brought from home or fetched from the nearest Harry-approved store when he was in the hospital.

Sometimes the only way to shut Harry up was to give him what he wanted.

“Hello there.” Harry’s attention shifted from Merlin to Daisy. There was an alertness in his face that hadn’t been there seconds before, banishing some of the gloom. “You must be Daisy.”

Merlin looked down at her. She turned her head further into his neck, leaving enough of her face showing that she could give Harry the appropriate amount of side-eye. It took all of Merlin’s effort to keep his face neutral, to not cackle with glee. She wasn’t bounding to Harry’s side. That was new.

Harry frowned slightly, his eyes flickering behind Merlin.

“Eggsy’s getting a check up,” Merlin said, sauntering closer but staying standing. “Do you want to say hi, Daisy?”

Daisy peeked at him again.

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Harry said with his warm, charming smile.

Daisy curled impossibly further into Merlin, gripping him like he was the only thing keeping her sane. Maybe he was.

Harry looked at Merlin, his eyes narrowing. “Did you turn her against me?”

“I don’t think so.” He looked at Daisy, thoughtful. “This is Harry.”

“Ree,” Daisy said, tossing her head to the other side again. She was gripping Merlin’s collarbone almost painfully now.

Merlin snuck a look at Harry and then turned away from him, conspiratorial. This time Daisy lifted her head, obviously curious about the movement. “He’s the prat,” he whispered.

Daisy’s face brightened. “Plat!”

“Pardon me?”

Turning around and seeing Harry’s face was probably the best part of Merlin’s day.

“Plat.” Daisy nodded decisively. Hooking an arm around Merlin’s neck, she reached out and carefully patted Harry’s hand. “Plat.”

Harry turned his mostly-surprised eyes to Merlin. “You taught her that, didn’t you?”

“Only partially,” Merlin said evasively. He turned to look at Daisy, who was still holding onto him but not quite as life-or-death. “Up to sitting down?”

Daisy nodded, so Merlin sank into the large, comfortable chair next to Harry’s bedside. Daisy turned forward, leaning against Merlin’s chest and sticking her hands in his. It was a strangely warm feeling, feeling Daisy’s small fists curled up in his much-larger hands. She obviously felt safe with him.

When Merlin dragged himself out of his thoughts, he saw Harry watching them with an uncharacteristically warm expression. It took most of Merlin’s self-control to not do something frightfully domestic, like smile or give Daisy a kiss, no matter how much he wanted to.

“How is Eggsy?” Harry asked, and the tentativeness there made Merlin smile.

“How is Eggsy?” Merlin looked down at Daisy, curious what she would say.

Daisy grinned, showing all of her teeth. The tip of her tongue was sticking out of the front, just a bit of pink between surprisingly white teeth. “Shite.”

Merlin looked up at the ceiling, wanting to groan when he heard Harry laugh. “That’s a grown-up word,” he reminded her. “We don’t use that word.”

Daisy looked at him, entirely unimpressed.

Yeah they were going to have to work on that. “We’ll find out when he gets back,” Merlin said. Although privately, he sort of agreed with Daisy’s assessment. Sort of.

“So she’s…” Harry trailed off, looking from Daisy to him.

“With Eggsy,” Merlin said.

The door opened and closed, drawing all of their attention. Eggsy walked in, looking tired but guarded. Some of the guard dipped when he saw Merlin and Daisy, when Daisy reached out her arms and screeched for him. The guards went back up when he saw Harry.

“Are you done already?” Merlin asked, disapproving.

“They did all the scans, we’re waiting on results.” Eggsy carefully picked Daisy up, juggling her gently. “How’d he do, Lazy Daisy?” He pressed a smacking kiss to her cheek, drawing a giggle-shriek.

“Plat.” Daisy pointed to Harry.

Merlin shrugged, but he was grinning. “It’s his name, apparently.”

Eggsy shook his head, a smile on his face. “It could be worse.”

Harry cleared his throat. Eggsy turned to look at him, frowning when Daisy wriggled in his arms.

“Mewin,” Daisy said insistently.

**

Trying not to show the surprise he felt, Eggsy handed Daisy to Merlin. She carefully settled back in his lap, a comfortable-looking curled-up posture that she had obviously done before. A wave of warmth washed over him, and he couldn’t help a smile.

“Are you well?” Harry asked, drawing Eggsy’s attention.

“Sort of,” Eggsy answered evasively. He met Merlin’s eyes, and Merlin nodded. He only had to say as much as he wanted to. For all that Harry had helped him, the memory of their last afternoon, Harry shouting at him, telling him he threw everything away - it hung in the air between them.

Harry cleared his throat again. Daisy was plucking at the arm of Merlin’s jumper now, tired and bored-seeming. Apparently Harry had lost his appeal. “Eggsy,” Harry said.

Eggsy tilted his head up, his face as neutral as he could make it. Part of him was glad Harry was back, that he had survived - he had been Eggsy’s mentor through training almost as much as Merlin had. Harry had made up for his initial faux pas. Eggsy had trusted him to some extent. Looked up to him, even.

“I’m very sorry for what I said.” Harry’s gaze flickered to Merlin and Daisy, then back to Eggsy. The fact that Harry was willing to have that sort of conversation in front of Merlin, in front of Daisy, mattered. “I shouldn’t have said what I did.”

Eggsy could feel Merlin’s eyes on him, but he didn’t flinch. He was tired. It felt like a chronic thing, these days. “Thanks.” He nodded, then glanced around. There was a second chair. Pulling it over, he put it not far from Merlin’s and sank into it. He was close enough to Merlin to get comfort from his presence, but not close enough that anyone wandering by would think anything odd of it.

Not that they would, given they would be too busy staring at Daisy in Merlin’s lap.

Silence fell in the room, uncomfortable and prickling at the edge of Eggsy’s nerves. Then Daisy, being Daisy, broke it by standing up on Merlin’s lap, trying to launch herself towards Harry.

“Hello there.” Merlin caught her before she could go anywhere. “What would you like?”

Eggsy hid a smile. He could feel Harry’s eyes on him, but it was worth it.

“Plat.” Daisy looked at Merlin expectantly.

Merlin looked at Eggsy. Hiding his surprise, Eggsy nodded. In everything else, Merlin was the one in charge, in a way. The relationship between them, with Daisy involved - that was different. It was an equal footing sort of thing, even if they hadn’t quite found the balance yet.

Merlin stood, carefully placing Daisy on the side of Harry’s bed. “Be gentle, Daisy.”

Daisy made a scoffing noise and turned and crawled onto Harry, staring at him from about as close as she could get. Harry blinked politely, and Eggsy wanted to laugh at his expression. That wasn’t something Harry had expected. She reached up, slowly for her, and poked the exposed part of his scar.

“Dais,” Eggsy chided.

“It’s okay,” Harry said, watching Daisy with an expression that blended between fondness and amusement. “It doesn’t hurt.”

Liar. Eggsy risked a glance at Merlin. Merlin, who had his arms crossed over his chest and all of his attention on Daisy. Eggsy had to hide a smile.

“I have custody of Daisy now,” Eggsy said, leaning back in his chair with a wince.

Harry inclined his head slightly, only part of his attention on Eggsy. Daisy was staring at his glasses now, her fingers pinching at his cheeks.

“Dais, gentle,” Eggsy said, leaning forward in case he needed to intervene.

“You’re doing a good job with her.” Harry’s voice was sincere. “She seems happy.” He looked at Eggsy.

Eggsy smiled faintly. “I have help.”

This time Merlin’s eyes flickered back towards him, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, before he turned back to Daisy.

Harry glanced between the two of them, obviously wanting to ask something but apparently good at keeping his mouth shut about it. “Valentine?”

“Dead.” Eggsy glanced at Daisy, who had apparently gotten bored of Harry and started tugging at the wires. Merlin scooped her up, resting her against his hip. “We didn’t save everyone, but we saved as many as we could.” 

“You were injured?” Harry glanced at the cast on his arm, and on his leg.

“Plus broken ribs.” Eggsy made a face. The disapproving look Morgana had given him when he had laid down for the X-ray pretty much told him what they expected to find. “Out of commission for a few more months.”

Harry looked surprised at that. “Your injuries were that severe?”

“I broke a wrist bone.” Eggsy tapped it with his good hand. “Takes for-fucking-ever to h -” He cut himself off. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. “Takes a long time to heal,” he amended.

Daisy turned to look at him, her eyes wide. “Egg?”

“Nothing, Dais.” Eggsy smiled at her, trying to sound reassuring. Maybe she had missed it.

There was a knock on the door, then it opened and Morgana’s head poked in. “Eggsy?”

Merlin looked at him, then at Harry.

Feeling reckless, Eggsy shrugged. “You can come in.” He turned to look at Harry. “If it’s okay with him.” He nodded towards Harry.

Harry was watching Morgana with some sort of skeptical curiosity. “Feel free.”

Morgana entered, one of the tablets in her hand. “Morvydd suggested that you might prefer to hear the results from me, rather than him.”

Eggsy didn’t say anything to confirm or deny. That was about half true. “What is it?”

“Your ribs aren’t healing as we would have hoped.” Morgana showed him the tablet. Eggsy glanced at it, then looked away. He felt cold all over. Was his career ending? Was this going to be it? “Your wrist is progressing as we would like. Your leg is healing faster than expected, especially given how much you use it.” That very much was disapproval in Morgana’s voice.

Eggsy didn’t care. “How much longer?”

Morgana tapped at the tablet as if it was a distraction. “Two more weeks and a re-evaluation on your ribs will determine whether or not you need surgery.”

Eggsy closed his eyes, then opened them again. He would do everything he could to avoid that.

“As advised, we would prefer you to stay off your leg more than you are on it, and you need to stop twisting your ribs.” Morgana narrowed her eyes. “How is the paracetamol controlling the pain?”

“Fine.” Eggsy glanced at Daisy. She was starting to doze some, plucking at Merlin’s sleeve. Maybe she would sleep.

Morgana made a doubtful noise. Merlin cleared his throat. Caught off guard, Morgana tensed. Her eyes narrowed at Merlin, and for all that Daisy was on his lap, he still looked intimidating when he arched an eyebrow at her. “We’ll see you in two weeks,” Morgana said stiffly. She smiled at Daisy, who didn’t smile back, and then left the room.

Eggsy heard the door click behind her, feeling his blood rush past his ears, adrenaline making everything sparked and heightened. The room was silent, even Daisy. Part of Eggsy wanted to run, part of him didn’t. Merlin was in the room. Merlin was there, and so was Daisy.

“Eggsy.” That was Merlin’s voice, soft but commanding.

Eggsy looked at him, studied his face. For the moment, Harry wasn’t there. Even Daisy faded into the background. Merlin met his eyes for a few more seconds, then reached out and gently squeezed Eggsy’s uninjured arm, a gesture of support that was unobtrusive. Not that Eggsy was dumb enough to think that Harry didn’t know something was between them.

Daisy sitting on Merlin’s lap was sort of a giveaway.

Harry cleared his throat. “I would offer to leave the room, but I’m afraid Medical would be quite cross.”

Eggsy blinked himself back to awareness.

“Egg?” Daisy’s voice was sleepy, but she was more aware now, her eyes on him.

Eggsy held his good arm up, helped Daisy onto his lap. He kissed her gently. “I’m okay, Lazy Daisy.”

She eyed him skeptically, looking far too similar to Merlin for Eggsy’s liking, before she settled against him, apparently content to cling close and fiddle with the fabric of his shirt. Maybe they could train her as a tailor proper.

Eggsy looked at Merlin, not sure what he was comfortable saying. Merlin inclined his head, his expression about as open as Merlin got in public.

“Merlin helps.” Eggsy shrugged. Nerves prickled across his skin, leaving him feeling strangely disoriented.

“I’m glad,” Harry said, and there was genuine warmth behind that.

When Eggsy looked back at Harry, he saw Harry watching Merlin with narrowed eyes. Merlin, however, just looked innocent. Far too innocent. “What am I missing?”

“Nothing,” Harry said wryly.

“Not yet,” Merlin added under his breath.

Eggsy half-smiled. He turned to look at Merlin, Daisy shifting in his lap. “I think she needs a nap.” It was easier than asking for what he wanted. He wanted to go - home. Back to Merlin’s, where there was safety and just the three of them.

Merlin glanced at Harry, who nodded. “I hope you recover well,” Harry said, the warmth in his voice rubbing Eggsy the wrong way. Not the grating way Merlin’s did, but the sort of warmth that Eggsy felt he didn’t deserve, not really. Nor did he want it. That was the difference.

“Are you okay?” Eggsy asked. It wasn’t just courtesy. He wanted to know, and it was something he hadn’t asked. His eyes flickered to Merlin. “I heard you got in trouble.”

Harry looked almost comically offended. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said primly.

Eggsy hid a grin.

Then the expression slid from Harry’s face, leaving him looking uncharacteristically tired. “I’ve been told it’s a long recovery.”

Eggsy nodded, not sure what else to say.

Harry cleared his throat. “Will you visit again?”

Eggsy blinked, then glanced at Daisy. “What do you think, Dais? Should we visit Harry again?”

“Plat,” Daisy agreed. “Bisit plat.”

Eggsy pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Sounds good.” He glanced at Harry, the nerves under his skin getting a bit too difficult to bear. He was doing better than he had been - he was still in his mind, he hadn’t floated away - but he had limitations.

“I’m going to find out where you live,” Harry told Merlin, narrowing his eyes.

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Good luck.”

That apparently being their goodbye, Merlin gently took Daisy from Eggsy’s lap and stood, giving Eggsy some room to stand and head towards the door. Eggsy did, raising a hand in a farewell to Harry. Merlin didn’t speak as they headed back towards the tube.

Eggsy went in first, Merlin stopping to program the final destination of the tube. Wherever they had left Merlin’s car. Once the beep sounded, Merlin sat down, Daisy leaning against his chest and obviously starting to doze off.

“Are you okay?” Merlin asked, the words low.

Eggsy bit back the knee-jerk reaction to say he was fine. “Could be worse,” he settled on instead. Feeling daring, taking a risk, he laid his good hand on the arm rest between them, palm up.

Merlin raised an eyebrow at him, his eyes fond, and then put his hand on Eggsy’s, twining them together.

Eggsy let himself relax, the last of the tension leaving his body as he closed his eyes. Merlin’s hand in his was more comfortable than he had thought it would be.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here there be mush. And progress. And schmoop. Less parenting, more relationship stuff.

It had been two weeks since Harry had arrived back at the mansion, and nothing had changed. It was Eggsy’s fault, and he knew it. There was nothing like having adrenaline building up in your system to make you terrified of everything. It was stupid. He wasn’t a delicate piece of porcelain, no matter how much he felt like one sometimes.

At least his ribs were feeling better. Merlin had pulled his Stare out whenever Eggsy had tried to pick Daisy up. Now it was to the point that she seemed to even prefer Merlin, picking him over Eggsy whenever the whim caught her. It wasn’t jealousy that prickled at Eggsy, it was uncertainty. Where did he stand? Where was his place? Was Merlin edging him out?

It was easy enough to shake the thoughts away whenever Daisy reached for him, the doubt in her eyes only soothed by Eggsy’s presence. For all she liked Merlin, and trusted him, there was a part of her that was still afraid of anything new. The selfish, dark part of Eggsy was pleased. He would always be needed. The rest of him wanted to fix it, even if he didn’t know how. It was too late for him, but it wasn’t too late for Daisy.

No matter what happened, he wanted her to take a different path than he did.

He gingerly turned onto his other side, the dark surrounding him, Daisy’s snoring oddly reassuring in their room. His ribs ached, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been before the check-up. And before Merlin had decided to interfere, taking the responsibility for the majority of activities that had aggravated his ribs in the first place. His leg cast was going to come off in the next week or two, since it was healing better than expected. Even his wrist was progressing. It looked like he would be able to avoid surgery.

Provided he didn’t do anything stupid, and that wasn’t a guarantee.

His fingers twitched against the bed sheets as he tried to relax, tried to close his eyes and force himself to calm down. But the goosebumps were prickling over his skin, the energy humming there, driving him crazy. There was no reason for his mind to spin in circles, but it was doing it anyway. A glance at the clock made him wince. Three am.

There was an easy solution. Well, not easy. It would fix things, but part of Eggsy would pay for it. Each time he reached out to Merlin, became a little bit more entrenched, would make it hurt more when they inevitably fell apart. Eggsy had no doubt Merlin would be there for Daisy. He had a lot more doubt for himself.

Sitting up, Eggsy ignored the flare of pain and rubbed his forehead savagely with his left hand. Ignoring it was just going to make it worse, and he knew that. It wasn’t like physical pain, where things would heal and go away. No, emotional pain was the type that would gather like a blister until it burst and everything came out at once. He was tired of losing it, of feeling it boil over in a way he couldn’t contain.

Someday, someday he would be able to run, to work out - everything he couldn’t do now that would help him keep the feelings simmering under his skin. For now, though - for now he had one primary option. An option he wanted quite badly, even if he wasn’t willing to ask for it. Yet.

Was he that desperate? He was getting there, that was for certain.

He made himself stand and walked over to Daisy’s crib, looking down at her. She had one hand curled into a fist by her head, the other haphazardly leaning against the side of the crib. Her legs were straight out, her toes pointing up towards the ceiling. They would have to start her in a child-bed soon, transition her out. Eggsy wasn’t sure he was ready for that. It was so...permanent. The longer he stayed, the longer they stayed, the more Eggsy never wanted to leave.

Picking up his tablet, he quickly left the room, closing the door almost noiselessly behind him. A quick glance at the tablet reassured him that Daisy hadn’t woken up. Instead of moving forward, he leaned back against the door, fingers tapping on the edges of the tablet as he tried to figure out what he wanted to do. Well, that wasn’t right. He knew what he _wanted_ to do. What he was going to do was a different thing altogether.

Giving himself a metaphorical kick in the arse, Eggsy walked over to Merlin’s office door and knocked, twisting the doorknob and surprised to find it was locked. He frowned, listening. A few seconds later the other door opened, and Merlin stepped out, finishing putting on a sleep-shirt.

Eggsy skimmed his chest, or what he could see, before it disappeared under the shirt. Then he turned back to Merlin, who was watching him with amusement lurking in his eyes. Merlin frowned when Eggsy didn’t speak, leaving the bedroom door partially open as he ducked inside. What was he checking on?

“Is Daisy okay?” Merlin stepped out with a tablet bigger than Eggsy’s, tapping away with his fingertips faster than Eggsy could follow.

Oh. “Yeah.” Eggsy looked down at the floor and sighed at himself. “I…” It was harder than he expected to make the words come out, to get them to even form in his head. They stuck there, his cheeks burning as the silence dragged on.

“You’re not okay?” Merlin asked, his voice even and gentle. He sat the tablet back inside the room, probably on some sort of dresser, and then turned back to Eggsy, leaning against the doorframe.

“Yeah.” That much Eggsy could answer. He wasn’t shy, not really. He could murder hundreds of people, deal with drug dealers, deal with his old neighborhood, but this was almost too much to ask for. It was stupid.

No, it wasn’t stupid, the logical part of his brain pointed out. When was the last time Eggsy had asked for something he genuinely wanted, putting himself out there in an attempt to get it instead of shielding himself and not moving forward? While it had happened somewhat with Merlin, this was different. This was a step forward, Eggsy reaching out when he needed it instead of expecting Merlin to read his mind. It was Eggsy taking the initiative.

He could feel Merlin’s eyes on him, could see him out of the corner of his gaze as Merlin shifted slightly and crossed his arms over his chest, tucking his hands in as if to stop him from reaching out to Eggsy. “I can’t read your mind.” It was that same even tone. Part of Eggsy hated it, part of Eggsy liked it. There was no judgment there, just a neutral sort of compassion. To Eggsy, that was better than any sort of affection. Affection could be faked so easily.

“I know.” Eggsy let out a long sigh. His fingers twitched, wanting to give up and retreat to his bedroom, to just tough out the nightmares. Was it really worth putting himself through this? “I can’t sleep.”

Merlin glanced towards his lab, then back at Eggsy. His face had gentled some, a tired sort of affection curving Merlin’s lips, his eyes softening in a way that sent shivers down Eggsy’s spine. It was fondness, so blatant that Eggsy didn’t deserve it, but he was going to take it anyway. “What do you need?”

Eggsy couldn’t entirely stop the downturn of his lips at that, ducking his head. He could tell Merlin saw, because Merlin’s chin lifted and expression shifted from affectionate to concerned. Shit. Why was it so much easier and so much harder to have these types of conversations in the dead of night? Was it because it felt more secretive, more like something that was shared between just the two of them?

“I don’t want to guess wrong.” Merlin tilted his head slightly, then uncrossed his arms, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes with a hand, hiding a yawn with his arm.

Guilt flashed across Eggsy’s face, swam through his body. Merlin needed to sleep. He didn’t need to deal with Eggsy like this. Not now. But the smart part of Eggsy kept him rooted where he was. Merlin wasn’t going to hurry him, he wasn’t going to pressure him. Even if he was tired.

“I don’t _want_ to need you.” Eggsy was sort of speaking to the wall, although he could see Merlin out of the corner of his eyes, have the safety of gauging his reactions without having to see all of it if he didn’t want to. But Merlin didn’t flinch. Instead he put his glasses back on and watched Eggsy steadily.

“I don’t know what to say to that,” Merlin said simply. It came out sleep-rough, almost, like he had thought the words over several times before letting them out of his mouth.

The words were so simple but there was so much to them. Merlin wasn’t going to lie, he wasn’t going to give Eggsy empty platitudes. He was realistic, he was realism, and that was part of the reason Eggsy loved him.

Not that he was going to admit it out loud, at any point in the next...oh, six months. At least.

“If you ever change your mind, or you don’t want this, just tell me.” Merlin moved again, shifting his posture against the door frame.

Eggsy’s eyes drifted to the floor, to Merlin’s feet, half-hidden by the long sweatpants. It was almost standard-issue Kingsman night gear, not unlike what Eggsy had worn during his training. “I know.” He let out a long sigh. His heart was starting to race, the energy building under his skin becoming almost uncomfortable. Was it building to the point Merlin wouldn’t be able to defuse it? Was it too late?

“I don’t want to sleep alone.” The words spilled out of Eggsy’s mouth faster than he would have liked, and his right hand gripped his left elbow with as much force as it could in his cast, but he managed to say it.

There was a pause on Merlin’s end, but when Eggsy looked up, he hadn’t moved. His face was that same neutral warmth, not judging. Just compassionate. Merlin inclined his head towards his room. Then his gaze flickered towards Daisy’s. “You could sleep in mine.” The offer hung in the air, the words almost casual. “If you’re okay with Daisy staying in her room.” Merlin’s eyes were serious now, like he wanted to make sure that Eggsy understood what he was agreeing to.

Eggsy turned to look at Daisy’s room, the door. She slept so soundly. It wasn’t likely that Eggsy was going to sleep for long, and it wouldn’t be the first time Daisy had woke up without Eggsy there. She did almost every time she took a nap. Besides, it would be less strange than Merlin coming into their room, into Eggsy’s bed. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that, though he couldn’t have told anyone why.

“I have a charging dock for your tablet.” Merlin offered a hand.

Not letting himself take it back, or hesitate long enough to say no, Eggsy handed the tablet over. Merlin studied him for a few seconds longer, then nodded and stepped back into his room, holding the door open for Eggsy to enter. Glancing back at Daisy’s room once more, Eggsy took a deep breath and followed him inside.

Although the light was dim, Eggsy could see the inside. The bed and sheets were a deep blue, the wood a dark brown, with highlights in art on the walls, even if he couldn’t make out what they were. It was comforting, for all it spoke of darkness. It was the safe type. He stayed where he was for a few moments, then turned to face Merlin.

**

The advantage to not sleeping in his bedroom often was that it wasn’t particularly messy, since most of Merlin’s laundry was stored in the master bathroom that attached both to his lab and his bedroom. Faint goosebumps prickled across his arms as Eggsy stepped in, closing the door behind him. Giving his hands something to do, Merlin walked past him to fit the tablet into its place, allowing it both to charge and to easily be seen by the bed’s occupants. This was in Eggsy’s hands now. Merlin wanted to stay within his comfort level.

The light in the room was dim, the way Merlin preferred it. He reached out and pressed his finger to the electronic light switch, only cringing a bit when the room lit up. One of Merlin’s sisters had decorated the place years ago, picking Merlin’s favorite colors. Besides getting rid of a couple of pieces of obnoxious art, Merlin hadn’t changed it. Decorating wasn’t his strong point.

Not liking the uncertainty that hung in the air, Merlin turned to face Eggsy. Taking a chance, he walked forward a few steps until he was right in front of him. Eggsy hadn’t looked away, holding his eyes steadily. It was one way to break the tension, although maybe it wasn’t the smartest…

Eggsy finalized the decision for him, reaching up as Merlin went to kiss him, meeting in the middle almost. The kiss made Merlin’s head spin. It wasn’t dark, or dirty, or hungry, it was something soft and sweet. The opposite of their lives at work, something Merlin hadn’t known he wanted. He slid a hand up to cup Eggsy’s cheek, using his other hand to gently adjust Eggsy’s posture so he was leaning more against Merlin and not aggravating his ribs.

He could feel the heat coil low in his stomach, but he ignored it resolutely. It wasn’t the time for that, not yet. Even if it was, Eggsy wasn’t healed yet and Merlin wasn’t taking the chance. Instead he lost himself in the warm press of Eggsy against him, the feeling of Eggsy’s skin under his hand, faint stubble prickling against his fingers. Eggsy melded closer to him, his breathing suddenly loud and ragged in the room. Either that or it was Merlin’s breathing. He wasn’t really sure, and he didn’t really care.

Finally Eggsy pulled back, shifting so that his head rested against Merlin’s shoulder. “I don’t want to like you,” Eggsy muttered against his shirt.

Merlin blinked at that, but he kept his arms around Eggsy, holding him gently. “You don’t have to.”

Eggsy smiled faintly, Merlin could feel it in the way he moved against the shirt, his head shifting to tuck his forehead against Merlin’s neck. Merlin let his eyes close, let some of his guard down, just enjoying Eggsy being there. He smelled faintly of Daisy, the bathwash he used when giving her her evening bath. Then there was his shampoo, lingering underneath it. The affection that welled up in Merlin’s chest was dangerous. It was dangerous how much Merlin didn’t want to let go.

“Right or left?” Eggsy asked, gently detangling himself from Merlin. Reluctantly Merlin let him, letting his fingers linger as long as he could get away with.

It took Merlin a second or two to figure out what he was asking. “Uh.” Eggsy looked at him, surprise combining with amusement.

“Don’t sleep enough to know?” Eggsy half-smiled.

“This is the only double-bed I sleep in,” Merlin said, letting his lips twist up in a wry smile.

Eggsy glanced at him. “For now.”

Merlin didn’t let the surprise cross over his face. Instead he reached out and gently pulled Eggsy closer, only drawing him in tight for a hug once Eggsy let him. “I suppose I can make room for you.”

Eggsy let out a laugh, even though it sounded kind of broken. “Like Daisy’s going to leave us alone.”

Merlin pressed his face to Eggsy’s hair for a few seconds, then pulled back, facing the bed now. “I’m going to need a bigger bed,” he said thoughtfully.

Eggsy didn’t laugh, but there was a faint smile on his face. His eyes weren’t on Merlin; instead they were on his tablet, as if reassuring himself that Daisy was okay.

“There’s an alarm set in case something happens,” Merlin said, catching Eggsy’s expression. He didn’t know if it was enough to reassure him, but it was the truth. “If you want a larger viewing screen, I can set that up.” Merlin caught himself and winced. He was making the assumption that this would be more than a one-night thing.

He caught himself at that, too. That was an assumption on its own. Like Eggsy said, a relationship - being a couple - went both ways. “You can sleep in here as long as you would like,” Merlin said. “If you don’t want to, you can leave.”

Eggsy nodded, the movement almost jerky. But the smile on his face when he met Merlin’s eyes seemed genuine. When Eggsy was quiet a few moments longer, Merlin tilted his head from side to side, trying to ease some of the tension from his shoulders and neck. Eventually this sort of thing would feel natural, like they did it every day. Maybe they would.

He half-turned back towards Eggsy, who looked at him. “Do you mind?”

Eggsy frowned, then recognition dawned when Merlin plucked at his shirt. Eggsy shook his head.

Taking that as permission, Merlin reached down and pulled his shirt off. He didn’t normally sleep with one anyway, and with someone else in the bed, Merlin knew from experience it was going to be warm. He folded it out of habit and tossed it on top of the dresser, since he had only put it on when Eggsy had knocked on his door. The next bit was his glasses, taking them off, folding the arms, and putting them within easy reach of the right side of the bed. Then he turned the lights off.

Turned out he did have a side. Or he was going to now.

Without speaking, Eggsy went around to the other side. He was blurry now, since Merlin was nearsighted. Still, Merlin had more than enough experience figuring out what blurry objects were doing. He had been nearsighted since he was a child.

“Eggsy.” Merlin wished that this sort of thing was like it was in movies, where people just crawled in bed and everything was automatic. But he was smarter than that, and had seen proof of it when Harry stayed with him. Beyond Harry being Harry, Merlin had seen the dark side of their job - the nightmares.

“Yeah?” Eggsy lifted his chin, his nerves betraying him only slightly in the way he tucked his hands in his pockets.

“Contact or no contact while sleeping?” It was so much easier to be professional and technical when he was nervous. And he was, as stupid as it was. Eggsy mattered to him, a lot more than he wanted to admit. The last thing he wanted to was hurt him on accident.

Uncertainty flickered across Eggsy’s face, like he was torn. “Contact,” Eggsy said finally. He seemed almost surprised at the sound of his own voice, but before Merlin could react he was lifting up the covers and sliding underneath. He was fuzzy, his movements steady but blurry.

Banishing nerves, Merlin glanced at the tablet, reassuring himself that Daisy was still asleep, and then crawled into the bed next to Eggsy. For a moment he just laid there, half wanting to laugh at himself and half wanting to laugh at the situation. Then Eggsy shifted and rolled over, putting his back to Merlin and situating himself closer to Merlin’s side than to the edge.

Merlin reached out and put a hand on Eggsy’s hip, wanting to get permission before he moved forward.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said, his voice lower and rougher than Merlin would have liked for this time of the evening. Sleeping, he told himself sternly. Just sleeping. He moved forward and Eggsy moved back, until Eggsy’s body was pressed against the length of Merlin’s.

Merlin’s breath hitched. Not in a sexual way, but it had been a long time since he had been intimate with someone like this. Sex was different, and easy. It was being comfortable with someone that was harder, really. He shifted in small amounts until his arm was wrapped around Eggsy’s middle, extraordinarily careful of his his healing ribs.

“Merlin?” Eggsy’s voice was borderline sleepy, but there was something tired to it underneath that spoke of more than just physical exhaustion.

“Yes?” Part of Merlin wished he could see Eggsy’s face clearly, but all he could check was the tension in his body, watch his neck and shoulders for cues. He didn’t tense up, he didn’t feel stressed or frustrated.

Eggsy was silent, his breathing steady. Somewhat disappointed, because he was a nosy bastard, Merlin settled his head back down on the pillow, ensuring that his right arm wouldn’t fall too badly asleep. His thumb was smoothing over Eggsy’s hip, just underneath Eggsy’s shirt and brushing against bare skin. It was to comfort him as much as it was to comfort Eggsy.

He let his eyes close, let his body relax against Eggsy’s, more amused than annoyed by the strands of Eggsy’s hair tickling his face. If anything, they made him smile. It was ridiculous what feelings did, proof positive why Merlin had been smart to ignore them as long as he had.

“I love you.”

Eggsy’s words rang in the air, and Merlin froze, his brain screeching almost like a record track that had skipped multiple times. Eggsy had tensed up against him, but as Eggsy let a deep breath out, his body relaxed too, the tension seeping out of it.

Merlin laid there, staring at the back of Eggsy’s neck in shock. His first instinct was to doubt, to hesitate, to ask him if he was sure. He didn’t want Eggsy to make a mistake, to regret something. But as Eggsy had said - and proven, many times over - he wasn’t a kid. He was an adult in his own right, and it would do Merlin well to treat him as such.

The silence spooled out between them, Merlin’s thumb moving against Eggsy’s hip as his mind spun. Eggsy didn’t seem upset, didn’t seem doubtful, but Merlin couldn’t see his face and he knew from experience how good Eggsy was at hiding emotions. He forced his body into relaxing, using mental brute force to shift the tension from his shoulders and neck. Instead he focused on the warmth of Eggsy against him, the way Eggsy’s skin felt against his hand. The way Eggsy wasn’t moving away, instead letting Merlin hold him.

Was it really that surprising? No, not really. Merlin was smart enough to realize that. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the back of Eggsy’s neck, feeling him shiver slightly. There. The tension was well-hidden, but it was there. “Love you too.”

**

It should have been hard to go to sleep after that, but it hadn’t been, really. After the tension had eased from Merlin’s frame he had relaxed against Eggsy, pulling him almost closer. Eggsy had let himself melt into it, letting his mind drift, feel cherished. It wasn’t going to be that way tomorrow - that wasn’t how his brain worked. He might not say the words again for a while, but they would always be there.

He couldn’t see what time it was, since Merlin apparently kept all his clocks on the right side of the room, but Daisy’s monitors were quiet, and the only other sound in the room was their breathing. Merlin’s arm was wrapped around his middle, Merlin’s bare chest against Eggsy’s back, their bodies as close as was comfortable given the whole ribs and casts thing. To Eggsy’s surprise, his ribs didn’t hurt, not really. Ache, yes. Hurt, no.

He knew the difference.

It was hard to resist just laying there for a while, staring at the wall and saying nothing. He didn’t even want to move, to risk waking Merlin up. Of the two of them, Merlin needed sleep a whole lot more than Eggsy did.

Then it hit him. No nightmares. Not even a dream. Shock caused him to shift where he was, instinctively wanting to sit up as if to counteract the crushing sensation that should have been in his chest. It meant Merlin’s arm slid off his hip, Eggsy scooting up until he was sitting next to Merlin rather than laying. He stared at the covers in front of him, seeing nothing. Dimly he registered Merlin stirring next to him, moving so that he was looking at Eggsy, the movements slow and half-awake.

There should have been crushing embarrassment, worry, regret. But there wasn’t. He had picked a road he was going down, and he had gone down it. The world hadn’t changed, hadn’t stopped moving. “Morning,” Eggsy said, not sure what else to say.

Merlin chuckled drowsily, rolling onto his front and wrapping an arm around Eggsy’s waist as he apparently got comfortable again. Most of his face was hidden by the way he shoved it in the pillow, but the arm around Eggsy was possessive. Apparently he wasn’t going to run screaming. That was a nice morning surprise.

Feeling shockingly normal - it had to be sleeping a decent amount, or Merlin’s presence - Eggsy looked down at him, considering. Internally he shrugged, and started gently running his fingertips across Merlin’s head. He doubted a lack of hair would make the sensation much different.

A shiver went through Merlin’s shoulders, then he let out a long sigh, almost deflating into the bed. Eggsy studied at him, trying not to show the amusement he felt. He could see the bare lines of Merlin’s back and how they flexed as he shifted on the bed, apparently determined not to get up but to enjoy what was happening as long as he could. Merlin had let him lead, had respected his boundaries. As nice as it was, everything - spending the night, touching him, being held - was borderline close to sensory overload, just on the line of being too much. It was so easy to assimilate things by shutting his brain down, but he wasn’t letting himself do that.

No, he made sure he was present, all of him there in his mind as he looked down at Merlin. It made his hand shake as his fingertips doodled across the skin of Merlin’s head, finding a few small scars.

“From before I became Merlin,” Merlin said, his voice half-muffled by the pillow.

Eggsy stopped, a thought hitting him. “What’s your real name?”

Merlin grumbled into the pillow, shifting so that his face was hidden from Eggsy.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Eggsy wasn’t sure whether or not to be amused by the hesitation. Did Merlin not like his name, or did he consider that something too private to share with Eggsy? Eggsy was the king of compartmentalization. Just because Merlin was getting to know some sides of him didn’t mean he got free access to the rest. Maybe Merlin was the same way.

Merlin was quiet for a while longer. Eggsy bit back a curse word. Had he ruined everything?

“Alastair,” Merlin muttered into the pillow. “Don’t call me that in public.”

The relief Eggsy felt was tempered with confusion. “In public?”

Merlin cleared his throat. Shit. Eggsy had said that out loud. His shoulders were tense now, and he had propped himself up on his pillow, no longer with an arm around Eggsy. “If you want.”

Eggsy made himself meet Merlin’s eyes, as Merlin had turned to look at him, his head resting up on his hand and his bare chest facing Eggsy. Well, that was distracting. Without meaning to, Eggsy’s eyes wandered. Merlin was fit under his jumpers, not that Eggsy was particularly surprised. He had to keep the recruits in order, which meant he had to be ahead of them. It just made sense. Not that the same could be said for Eggsy’s brain at the moment.

There was tempered affection in Merlin’s eyes when Eggsy’s gaze drifted back to his face. It took him a few seconds to realize what they had been talking about. Names. This time Merlin was the one to look away, his shoulders hunching slightly. Eggsy wanted to reach out and touch, but he kept his hands to himself.

“I can’t think of the last time someone called me Alastair.” He sounded thoughtful, although Eggsy thought there was a tinge of sadness under there.

Eggsy opened his mouth and then closed it, catching himself off guard. He knew what he wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure if it would be welcomed.

“Hm?” Whatever had gone through Merlin’s head had cleared off his face, and he was watching Eggsy again with that fond expression, his chest resting on the pillow again and his arms around it.

Eggsy glanced at his face, then his back, hand extending in Merlin’s direction. Merlin nodded, shifting so that Eggsy could touch him if he wanted to. “Merlin at work, Alastair at home?” There was a whole lot of _stuff_ under that one sentence. It assumed a home, it assumed them staying together. It assumed everything working out.

It wasn’t nerves really that threatened to swamp him, it was that strange combination of anxiety, fear, and apprehension that swirled around his stomach and threatened to make him sick. Touching Merlin gave his mind something to focus on, even as his fingers drifted up and down the line of his spine.

“You’re ridiculously tense.” Eggsy frowned as he neared Merlin’s shoulders, feeling the tension that was there. How did he sit like that? Didn’t it hurt? Not at all surprisingly, Merlin’s shoulders and neck were similar.

“Comes with the job,” Merlin said wryly. He was quiet for a few moments, which made the unease grow under Eggsy’s skin. Merlin’s eyes were distant, contemplative. “I’ve never had much luck at separating home versus work.”

It was hard to shake the knee-jerk reaction to nod, to follow orders. Equals. They were equals in this. For all that Merlin had been his trainer, his guide, over the past year, that didn’t mean Eggsy had to defer in this case. “With Daisy, you’re going to have to.”

Merlin’s sharp inhale was a point in Eggsy’s favor, as if Merlin hadn’t thought of that. He glanced at Eggsy. “Are you sure?”

“No,” Eggsy answered honestly. “But I don’t want our entire lives to be consumed by work. If it was just us, that’s a different story.”

There was a beep, then a sniffle and a hiccup from the tablet on the dresser. Eggsy’s smile was fond. “Daisy needs a home proper. She needs -” Eggsy caught himself. “People to be at home and take care of her.”

Something in Merlin’s face told him he caught Eggsy’s slip-up, but he chose to leave it alone. Eggsy stroked a hand across Merlin’s shoulders, a slight frown crossing his face at the tension there. He would have to do something about that later, when he actually had two working arms and ribs that didn’t cry.

Another sniffle, a hitched breath. A beep from the tablet, the quiet reminder that Daisy was stirring. Eggsy straightened up, wincing at his ribs. He looked at Merlin, who was watching him intently. How had his life come to this? Not that he objected, really. It was just a lot to get used to.

“Do you want breakfast?” Eggsy asked, taking a few moments to just look at Merlin. Obviously not a morning person, was Eggsy’s first thought.

“Does that require getting out of bed?” Merlin’s face twitched into a smile, even though he tried to look melodramatic.

It was almost surreal, being with Merlin with his guards so far down. Merlin was human, he was relaxed. He was Alastair.

Separation would be important. Fear sent sparks up and down his spine, although he wasn’t sure why. What if it was a misstep? What if he was doing something wrong, pushing Merlin away before things had really even began?

“Eggsy.” Merlin nudged his knee gently.

“Oh.” Eggsy dragged his brain back to the topic. “Out of bed,” he said, chiding. He nudged Merlin back, gentle. “Alastair.” The name felt foreign on his tongue, but oddly right, too. The way Merlin looked at him - surprise mingled with amusement and affection - was worth it too.

“I’ll be down in a bit.” Merlin shoved his face back in the pillow, but reached out and squeezed Eggsy around the waist once more, his hand lingering like he didn’t want to let go. That was fine with Eggsy. It was only a soft sob, the sound of Daisy starting to wake up properly, that got him out of Merlin’s bed, then out of his bedroom.

Opening his bedroom door, Eggsy walked inside. A glance at the clock told him he had slept almost six hours, which meant Daisy had probably overslept. She would probably have trouble going down for a nap. Still, he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so rested. It was stupid, and it was cheesy - no.

No, it wasn’t either of those. Well. Cheesy, maybe. But that didn’t make it bad. He let that thought percolate as he picked Daisy up, cuddling her gently. “Hi Daisy girl.” He pressed a smacking kiss to her cheek.

Daisy just mumbled incoherently and curled closer to him, her sweat-soaked hair damp against his skin and one of her hands gripping his collarbone as an anchor. Where had she learned that? There was a sense of freedom to Eggsy’s movements that he hadn’t felt...well, ever. Some of his burden had been lifted, at least for the moment. While there was happiness, there was also more apprehension.

Eggsy had learned from long experience that what went up, must come down. He hugged Daisy closer, then went to get her changed. He’d offered Merlin breakfast, and he planned to deliver on it.

**

Merlin laid the side of his face on his pillow, facing the direction Eggsy had been. He had reports he had to check, a meeting he had probably missed, but he didn’t really care. There wasn’t much he would have traded for what had happened. Nothing, if he was honest.

_“Alastair.”_

It had been strangely nice to hear his real name on Eggsy’s tongue. Harry knew his real name, but it was hidden well enough in the databases at the mansion that no one else did. Harry may have forgotten it, although Merlin doubted it.

Reaching up, he grabbed his glasses and slid them on, blinking twice to access his queue. There wasn’t anything immediate-urgent. He could get away with some more lazing about, and have breakfast with Eggsy and Daisy.

It would take a while for the events of the last twelve or so hours to sink in. Would it really change much? In a way it had changed everything and nothing at all. Eggsy seemed more comfortable touching him, and there was a hint of affection in his gaze that hadn’t been there before. Was it Eggsy’s guards coming down?

 _I love you_.

The words echoed in Merlin’s mind, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he had hallucinated it. He doubted it. When he did dream, they tended to be more about work, since that was what he spent most of his time doing.

He straightened up, his mind processing the conversations that had happened. Work/life balance. It wasn’t something Merlin had ever bothered with, which was part of the reason his last relationship had failed. But this? This had extra incentive. It wasn’t just about Eggsy, as much as Merlin cared for him. Daisy was important too.

Did that invalidate his feelings somehow, that he did that not just for Eggsy but for Daisy? He doubted it, even though it wasn’t something he was familiar with. He sat up, swinging his legs over to the side of the bed. It was further away than he had anticipated. While sleeping, they had migrated over to Eggsy’s side.

Merlin scrubbed a hand over his head, feeling the echo of Eggsy’s touch. Eggsy was half his age, but that didn’t mean Merlin knew much more about this than he did. Every relationship was unique. Not in that stereotypical, when-you-meet-the-one-everything-is-different way, but an acknowledgment that everyone was human and came with their own background, and one size did not fit all. That, plus this relationship was going in reverse compared to his prior ones.

To give his mind something to do, Merlin got up, taking the tablet with him to the bathroom and setting it on the counter. Daisy was out of her bedroom, but Merlin had cameras and alarms set in the rest of the house. If anything happened to Daisy or Eggsy, Merlin would know.

Last night had been the point of no return. Not that Merlin wanted to go back, but if he stepped back now, both Eggsy and Daisy would be hurt. It didn’t stop Merlin from muttering the long, long list of ways things could go wrong while he took a shower, then shaved. There was the age gap, their work relationship, his involvement with Daisy’s case, the class gap - Merlin stopped himself there. He wasn’t superstitious, but that was a good way to curse their relationship before it had really gone anywhere.

What he was most worried about was hitting any of Eggsy’s triggers, something that was complicated when he didn’t know what they were. He wanted Eggsy, that was easy to admit. But he only would take what Eggsy offered. If there were certain things they had to avoid for whatever reason, Merlin would honor that.

 _Alastair_. It felt oddly intimate, like a barrier they had crossed without meaning to. If Merlin separated work from home, Eggsy might want to do the same. Gwaine at work, Eggsy at home. Not that it would stop the others from calling him his real name, but they wouldn’t live with him for however long it would be.

Given that he was going to have breakfast with Daisy, he skipped his slacks and went for one of the few pairs of jeans he owned instead. Jeans weren’t something he wore often, if only because time off was a luxury and not a given in his world. It was warm enough that he didn’t want to wear a jumper, so he went with a plain dark shirt instead. That way if Daisy destroyed it with whatever they were having for breakfast, he wasn’t out anything he had to wear at work.

Choosing his phone over any of his tablets, he tucked it into his pocket and headed towards the door, stopping with his hand on the knob. It had been a grand total of one night and Merlin wasn’t entirely thrilled with the idea of sleeping on his own again, either. Part of it was being able to keep track of Eggsy, where he was and how he was doing. The other of it was the sheer comfort of knowing someone cared.

Shaking his head at himself, he opened the door and headed towards the stairs, pausing when he could hear Eggsy speaking. He could hear faint children’s music in the background, too.

“Guess this is home.” Eggsy sounded thoughtful, even though Merlin could barely hear him over the clanging of pans and the running water. Was he washing something, or getting ready to cook something? Then Merlin’s brain took in his words.

Oh. Well.

“Egg egg?” Daisy was louder than Merlin expected, a plaintive note there that made him uncertain. Was she okay?

“I know, Dais.” From the sounds, Merlin could guess that Eggsy had picked her up. “I know.”

Deciding that eavesdropping had gone too far - privacy and boundaries and whatnot - Merlin started down the stairs. He could hear Eggsy’s movements still, then start up again. Despite wanting to seem casual, Merlin came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs, trying to gather himself. It wasn’t nerves, not really.

Okay, that was a flat-out lie and Merlin was smarter than that. It was nerves, so he handled them the same way that he had before, sauntering towards the kitchen without letting it bother him. Of course, he almost took out Eggsy when he went through the door, but that was a minor detail.

Given that both of them were super-spies, both stopped before they actually hit each other. Daisy was in his arms, mild surprise on Eggsy’s face.

Merlin narrowed his eyes, and regretted it when Eggsy took a half-step back. Shit. “I can take her?” He made it a question, not a command.

Daisy shifted against Eggsy, her head tucked against his shoulder. “Mewin.”

Merlin glanced at Eggsy. It was up to him, whether they wanted to try and change the name she called him. It would probably be simpler if she and Eggsy matched, even though she would probably see him at work at least a few times.

Eggsy paused for a few seconds, meeting Merlin’s eyes. “Alastair,” he said to Daisy, something crossing over his face before Merlin could read it. “Merlin is Alastair.”

Daisy frowned, glancing from Eggsy to Merlin with a suspicious look. “Mewin?”

“Alastair,” Eggsy said gently. “Can you call him that?”

“Awister.” Daisy frowned again, then peered suspiciously at Merlin. “Awister. No Mewin?”

Eggsy bit back a grin. Even Merlin smiled. “It’s up to you,” Eggsy said.

Merlin wasn’t sure whether he meant Daisy or himself. “Awister works.” He ignored the way his heart was starting to race, the intimacy of the moment getting to him. It really was more than just Eggsy and himself. “May I pick you up?” Merlin extended a hand towards Daisy.

“Awister.” Daisy giggled to herself, and then reached out for him. Merlin noted the wince Eggsy made as he was transferring Daisy to him. He would fetch the ice pack once they were done eating, before he had to get to work. Eggsy crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes on Merlin. There was something appreciative there mingling with surprise as he caught sight of the jeans. Merlin didn’t think he had ever worn jeans in front of any of the recruits before.

Merlin held Eggsy’s gaze for a few seconds, trying to guess what Eggsy wanted. He settled Daisy on his hip, then leaned forward, just a bit, his eyes flickering from Eggsy’s lips to his eyes. Eggsy’s eyebrows raised a tiny amount, then he nodded. Merlin gave him a quick kiss, careful that Daisy wasn’t squished, and then straightened back up. Daisy giggled, kicking Merlin in the side. How did that not hurt Eggsy? He probably just bore it stoically like he did everything else.

“Good morning,” Merlin said, his smile warmer than he intended it to be.

Eggsy looked from the kitchen, back to Merlin. It took a few seconds, but his smile, his face, was warm too. “Good morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SCHMOOP
> 
> Let's see what I can wreck in the next chapter... ;) (Just kidding. Or am I?)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I break things, but then I fix them?

Eggsy had just finished providing Daisy with lunch when Merlin came downstairs, concern on his face and his clothes Kingsman-approved. Eggsy straightened up, his stomach lurching and an unsettling feeling covering him like a blanket. “Things okay?” He hadn’t talked to Roxy; was she okay? Had something happened?

“Have to go in, I’m afraid.” At least he didn’t look thrilled about it.

“Is Rox okay?” Eggsy couldn’t keep the anxiety out of his voice.

“Lancelot? Yes.” Merlin smiled faintly, the concern easing from his face and his usual stoicism taking its place. “Despite the presence of a new recruit, my tech department apparently has to be reassured that I haven’t died from taking time off.”

Eggsy hid a smile, distracting himself by catching the plastic cup Daisy was about to throw. “Dais,” he said, his voice gently chiding.

She looked at him with her lower lip pushed out, tears gathering in her eyes. “Egg?” Her voice wobbled.

Shit. Eggsy leaned down and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Don’t cry,” he said, his voice as light as he could make it. Daisy sniffled, as if she wasn’t entirely convinced, but she went back to eating the chicken nuggets on her plate, nails digging into the breading and shredding it before putting it into her mouth.

When Eggsy looked up, Merlin was looking at the two of them, brow creased. Merlin glanced at the door, then back at them, and Eggsy intervened before Merlin could speak. “Go to work, Merlin,” Eggsy said, his voice firm, his choice of name marking the boundary. There was a lot he would have given for Merlin - no, _Alastair_ \- to stay, but he didn’t want Merlin to be accused of shirking work for Eggsy’s sake.

Merlin opened his mouth, apparently to disagree. Leaving Daisy’s side for a second, Eggsy pressed a kiss to Merlin’s cheek, hand gently wrapped around Merlin’s wrist instead of taking his hand. “We’ll be fine,” Eggsy said with a bravado he didn’t feel.

Merlin’s mouth closed, although he didn’t look convinced. Eggsy stood his ground, his expression firm. Merlin had to trust him, although Eggsy wasn’t sure he should. Not that Eggsy was technically lying since he was certain that they would be fine. Eventually. He would cross that bridge when it came to it.

Daisy’s fussing had quieted down, slid into background noise without a second thought on Eggsy’s part. What shifted into focus was the feeling of his hand on Merlin’s wrist, the feeling of Merlin’s pulse under Eggsy’s fingertips, the way Merlin was watching him, measuring what Eggsy said against what Merlin’s mind told him. Eggsy tilted his head, eyes meeting Merlin’s, his skepticism reading loud and clear.

Whatever Merlin had been about to say he didn’t, instead letting out a sigh and giving Eggsy a quick kiss. “Call if you need anything,” he said, and it was an order more than anything else.

“Of course.” Eggsy looked affronted, then headed back towards Daisy, who was quietly picking at her chicken. There wasn’t much he couldn’t handle. But if there was something, he would call Merlin. That was how the whole relationship thing went, right? It was a give and take on both sides.

That didn’t stop the voice in Eggsy’s head that whispered that contacting Merlin would be bothering him, that Eggsy was an inconvenience, he was _wrong_. Merlin deserved someone better than him. Someone less broken. Less sullied.

Struggling to keep it off his face, Eggsy told the voice to go take a hike. He didn’t have time for those sorts of doubts at the moment. Or later.

Eggsy steadied his expression as Merlin came closer, doubt written clear on Merlin’s face. But Merlin didn’t say anything, just reached down and pressed a distracted kiss to Daisy’s hair, something that made Eggsy’s insides knot up in a pleasant way. He kissed Eggsy once more and then was out the door without even a goodbye. Eggsy wasn’t sure if he preferred it that way or not.

“Awista?” Daisy sounded quieter than normal, her voice almost crackly.

“He went to work, love.” He reached and smoothed her hair off her forehead, surprised that she was warm enough that her hair was damp and sticking. A fever? Or something else? “Done with lunch?’

“Where Mum?” Daisy asked, plaintive.

If that wasn’t a barb to his heart, he wasn’t sure what was. “Mum’s a bit busy,” he said, buying himself time to think things through. His fingers itched to grab his phone, check his voicemail - the voicemail he hadn’t bothered checking since Merlin had purposefully delayed his mother’s number from reaching him.

“Bussie?” Daisy frowned.

“Busy bee,” Eggsy said, giving her a loud kiss on the cheek. “Eat your lunch, lazy Daisy.”

She made a grumbling noise but did, her attention back on the meal in front of her.

It took a few moments for the itching under his skin to get worse, for his hand to inch towards the mobile in his pocket. Just once, he told himself. He just wanted to see if there were any voicemails. He wasn’t a glutton for punishment or anything.

Well, that was a lie. He was smart enough to admit it. One had to be a masochist in his line of work, at least a bit.

Stepping half out of the room but keeping Daisy in his line of vision, Eggsy dialed his voicemail and entered the code when prompted.

_“You have thirty two new voice messages.”_

Eggsy swallowed, his throat as dry as sandpaper, and pressed play.

_“Gary Unwin! You pick up your phone. I’m your mother, you can’t ignore me like this.”_

_“Where the fuck are you? I’m going to hunt you down, Mugsy. Your days are numbered.”_

_“Eggsy. Please, I want to see my baby!”_

The messages went on and on. Some were Dean’s angry voice, some were Michelle’s voice, often slurred by drink or something else. He hadn’t realized he closed his eyes until he opened them, his stomach knotting itself to the point he felt sick. What was he doing? What had he done, taking Daisy away from Michelle? Was it the right thing, or was he doomed?

He had a feeling that it was a decision that would haunt him for a long time, no matter which way he went. He turned off the phone, not even wanting to look at it. Instead he tucked it behind the couch cushions, heading back into the kitchen. Daisy was sitting in her chair, morosely picking at the food.

“Dais?” Eggsy tried to sound light and happy, despite the weight threatening to crush his chest. She didn’t look at him.

Worry started to poke at the corner of his mind. Not about himself, or his situation, but about the toddler in front of him. Daisy wasn’t like this. She wasn’t always happy, but she was an animated child, one who regarded everything with an alertness created by her home environment.

He touched her forehead with the back of his hand, the warmth still there. Maybe a bath? She was covered in chicken breading, so it made sense. Maybe it was a temperature, or something else, and a bath could help.

When he picked her up, she curled against him, her arm snaking around his neck and her head tucked close to him. She didn’t make any noise, didn’t say anything, but her fingers plucked slowly at the neckline of his shirt.

The house was almost too silent as he headed upstairs, his footfalls quiet but loud at the same time. Daisy sniffled against him, turned her head the other way. Eggsy’s heart was starting to race, some of the voice mail messages playing over and over again in his head.

What if he was screwing Daisy up? What if he was making the wrong decision, and Daisy would be irreparably harmed by what happened?

_“Please, I want to see my baby!”_

Eggsy gritted his teeth and shoved the thoughts away, at least for the moment. Daisy had to be his first priority.

“Dais?” He shifted her slightly so that she was perched on his hip, but she didn’t want to follow, ending up awkwardly draped over him and not looking at him like he had hoped. Instead of taking her to the bathroom, he detoured for the lab, where he had seen Merlin’s medical kit. There was probably one in Merlin’s bedroom as well, but he didn’t want to go there at the moment. It was too emotionally loaded, too risky.

Taking the med kit into their room, he tossed it on his bed, ignoring the flares of pain as he settled on the bed with Daisy against him. At the moment his casts and ribs were of the least concern. Besides, he was practically healed, so there wasn’t too much damage he could do.

Pulling out the thermometer, he took Daisy’s temperature despite her lethargy, the way she tried to turn away. She was barely fighting him now, protesting more in spirit than in reality. How had he missed it? How had her lethargy come on so quickly? When the temperature came back as high, he wasn’t surprised. Worried, but not surprised. He shifted into overdrive, survival mode.

He rifled through the kit with one hand, his casted arm keeping Daisy resting against him. There were a few packets of meds, none of them labeled for children. Eggsy frowned, regarding the kit with a skeptical expression. Then he looked around their room, the bathroom attached to where Daisy and Eggsy slept. Tucking her against his hip, murmuring soothing words, he headed into the bathroom. It took twenty seconds and a few hard tugs on the mirror before it swung open to reveal a medical kit even bigger than the one he had gotten from Merlin’s master bathroom. 

This one was apparently for both children and adults, as it seemed to contain medicine for both. Grabbing paracetamol, he offered Daisy the tablets, hoping she would take them. Instead she turned her head away and hiccuped, her fingers surprisingly strong in his shirt.

He sat them back on the bed, mostly unsurprised to find a liquid paracetamol for children in the back of the kit. It wasn’t like children were known for being cooperative. He glanced at the thermometer, weighing the pros and cons. 104.2. It was a high fever, and combined with her lethargy, he had to bring it down. If she wasn’t going to take meds, he had to get them into her.

“This is to help you,” he said, propping her up as he used a syringe to withdraw enough of the medicine to dose her. Merlin had even left a guide in the kit, how many millilitres for Daisy’s size.

Eggsy’s heart skipped a beat. Merlin. He needed to contact him, needed to get in touch, but both his glasses and his mobile were downstairs and out of reach. He sat the syringe next to them and shifted Daisy as carefully as he could. She thrashed against him, starting to emit a high-pitched whine. Would she forgive him for this? Would she even remember?

Holding her as carefully but firmly as he could, he used his free hand to squirt the syringe into her mouth, even as she tried to stop him, crying. He wasn’t sure how much of it he got into her, but she swallowed some without spitting it up and that would have to do.

What else? Lukewarm water, he remembered that much. No cold or ice water. He moved the syringe and the med-kit aside, grabbing a handful of gauze before he headed out of the bedroom. Daisy was held snug against him, and her cries were fainter now. The worry was starting to burn under his skin, combining with the nerves to a bad combination. He was screwing up. He wasn’t worth anything, he wasn’t doing anything right. Daisy would have been better off with Dean and Michelle.

“Well, fuck off,” Eggsy muttered, too far gone to care about language. Neither Dean nor Michelle were there at the moment, so it was up to him. He swung by the living room to grab his phone, turning it on and shoving it in the pocket of his sweatpants on the way to the kitchen. He turned the water on, letting it run against the pulse of his wrist until the temperature was right.

“Daisy?” Eggsy nudged her gently, gauging her reaction. She sniffled but didn’t speak. She was alert, though, her eyes half-open. She was breathing.

He soaked the gauze in water, applying some to her forehead, armpits, and cheeks, careful to hold her so it didn’t slide right off. She wasn’t protesting, something that worried him more than he wanted to admit. “Daisy, can you talk?”

Daisy made a muffled grunting noise, sounding congested. It was an acknowledgment, but not much of one.

Eggsy shifted her slightly so she was laying against him, propped up so the gauze could help. Wash rags would have been better, but he was working with what he had. Grabbing his phone out of his pocket, he dialed Merlin’s number and tucked it to his ear.

When it just kept ringing, Eggsy couldn’t settle the uncertainty in his stomach. The fear, the worry. Twice more, Merlin didn’t answer. Eggsy looked at Daisy, her cheeks flushed despite the medicine and the gauze. Fuck. Where were his glasses? He hadn’t worn them in a few days, hadn’t needed them since Merlin was home. But now he wasn’t answering.

Fear gripped him, paralyzing him for a few long moments. Had something happened? Was headquarters under attack?

He dialed Roxy, shifting the phone to his other ear, anxiety causing him to move in place, careful of the gauze on Daisy. The phone rang, then rang some more, his heart sinking.

“Hello?” Roxy sounded half-awake. “Eggsy?”

His breath left in a rush. “Roxy?”

“Eggsy?” She sounded more alert, and concerned, too. “Did something happen?”

“Daisy’s sick,” he said, clutching the phone tightly to his ear. “I can’t get ahold of Merlin, and -” He was stuck where he was. He could have taken Merlin’s car, found one somewhere, but they were all manual and he couldn’t drive with his leg like it was, especially not with Daisy in the car.

‘Where are you?” He could hear Roxy immediately start moving, throwing clothes on and whatever else she needed to.

“Merlin’s place.” He didn’t know the address. “Leave from the mansion --”

“I can track your mobile.” Eggsy looked at his mobile, surprised. It made sense, given that they had to know where the Kingsmen were at all times. But it still wasn’t something he was comfortable with.

“Hurry,” Eggsy said, looking down at the drowsy Daisy in his arms. “Please.”

**

Merlin rolled his shoulders, feeling the muscles twinge. The meeting had gone over by an hour at least. Even Harry had been shooting Dagonet dark glances as he droned on and on about what supplies were necessary both for HQ and the shop. Merlin had done requisition meetings before, assessing their supplies, but Dagonet had a special way of making them drag on and on until Merlin was ready to throw himself out the window.

He glanced at his phone, reassured by the lack of messages. There weren’t any on his glasses, either. It didn’t stop him from worrying about Eggsy or Daisy, wondering what they were up to. Maybe he would contact them once he oversaw the new tech recruit’s first mission. She was shaping up well, but Merlin worried, and since he was there, he might as well.

Harry was dawdling, shooting Dagonet glares until he finally left. By that point there was just Harry, Merlin, and Percival still in the room. Merlin was the third wheel and he knew it, but from the way Harry was eyeing him, Merlin’s presence was required.

“I do have other things to do,” Merlin said pointedly, scrolling through his tablet. A few emails, nothing urgent. He started a quick message to Eggsy, the worry getting to him. He was a bit of a mother hen, but it was his first time away from both of them since everything had happened and yeah, he was concerned.

Harry opened his mouth, but Percival touched his arm and raised an eyebrow. That caught Merlin’s attention. He stared at the two of them, at the way Harry’s mouth snapped shut even when Percival crossed his arms over his chest, studiously not looking at Merlin. Percival wasn’t much younger than them, really, but he was a quiet, good agent. He was more than Harry’s match, and one of the few people that Harry would actually listen to.

There was a sharp rap on the door, and Merlin looked up to see Lancelot standing there. “Lance --”

“Sir.” Lancelot cut him off before he could finish. Merlin’s spirits quickly sank at her expression. “It’s Eggsy.”

The mood in the room changed, the electricity prickling across Merlin’s skin like his tablet had zapped him. “Eggsy?” Merlin swallowed. “But he’s --”

“He’s in the infirmary with Daisy. If you’ll follow me?”

Merlin was already right behind her the moment she opened the door, Harry and Percival forgotten and his tablet tucked securely under his arm. He followed Roxy for a few seconds before breaking into a run, going up the stairs two at a time until he reached the tube to the medical department.

There wasn’t anything he could do to make it run faster, no matter how much he tried. He pulled out his phone, fiddled with it. There was nothing from Eggsy, and his email hadn’t sent. He tapped out a text and sent it, pacing as the tube moved. It opened before it should have, Roxy stepping inside. How she had managed to get it to stop there he didn’t know, but he would figure that out later and stop it.

He ignored her, pacing and counting down the minutes. At the quickest setting, the way he had it, there was three more minutes to medical. “What happened?”

Roxy jumped, as if she had forgotten he was there. The look she gave him was almost disapproving, just polite enough that he couldn’t take too much offense given his state. “Daisy’s ill, Sir.”

Fuck. Merlin rarely swore, but it was the right type of situation where it was warranted. “Why didn’t he -” He cut himself off, because that wasn’t a conversation to have with Roxy, it was one to have with Eggsy. Maybe there was a reason Eggsy hadn’t called, hadn’t reached out. But how had he made it all the way to HQ? He shouldn’t have been driving.

So many questions, so few answers.

“He said he tried to call you.” Roxy sank into one of the chairs, watching Merlin with her steady expression.

Merlin glanced at his phone, thumbed through his calls list, irritation at his helplessness rising and threatening to strangle him. “I would have seen it.”

Roxy didn’t say anything, something Merlin was grateful for. He rather liked Lancelot, and snapping at her wouldn’t have done anything besides make him feel better for the last minute it took for them to reach the medical unit.

The moment the doors opened Merlin was out, his long legs affording him an advantage Roxy didn’t have. Morgana was by the door, shooting Merlin a disapproving look. Merlin didn’t even glare at her, instead just shoving the door open and revealing Eggsy sitting on the hospital bed inside, Daisy in his lap and attached to an IV and assorted other tubes. He could hear the faint hum of monitors, the beeping that signaled that Daisy was being watched.

“What happened?” Merlin said, words almost failing him.

“I’ll explain,” Roxy said, but it wasn’t to Merlin. She actually seemed to be talking to Morgana, who shot Merlin another glare before she left the room, leaving the four of them in there.

Ignoring how everyone had obviously gone mad, Merlin went up to the bedside, looking Eggsy over even though Eggsy wasn’t looking at him. There was a sheen of sweat on his forehead, and tired lines etched on his face, but he otherwise looked okay. Daisy, on the other hand - her cheeks were rosy with fever, her hair damp and sticking to her skin. Her eyes were closed, an IV in each arm carefully padded so she couldn’t get to them or pull them out.

“What happened?” Merlin asked again, his voice quieter than he would have preferred. At least it didn’t break. That would have been worse. Not that he was against showing emotion, but something was going on that he didn’t understand. No one glared at Merlin like that in the Mansion, not without something else being a concern.

“She got sick.” Eggsy’s voice was hoarse, and he pressed his cheek to the side of Daisy’s head, carefully shielding her in his lap. “Where the fuck were you?” His gaze lifted to Merlin, his eyes dark and burning. “Why didn’t you answer?”

Caught off guard, it took Merlin a few moments longer than he would have liked to process what Eggsy was saying. “I didn’t get any calls,” he said, somewhat baffled. Concern shot through him, and he pulled out his mobile, checking it over again, just in case he had missed something the first time. He handed it to Eggsy, showing the call list.

Eggsy glanced at it, and something flashed over his face that Merlin couldn’t follow. Surprise? Skepticism?

Merlin was torn between discovering what had happened over the calls and fussing over Daisy. He was a doctor, after all, although he was smart enough to know that doctors didn’t treat their own family as a rule. All rules were broken when it came to them.

“You weren’t there,” Eggsy said dully. His arms curled closer around Daisy, as if protecting her from someone. From Merlin. It wasn’t lost on him that Roxy was still in the room, something Merlin resented. He didn’t need a babysitter.

“I didn’t get your messages.” Merlin fought to keep his voice steady. Getting upset wouldn’t help, no matter how worried he was. “Did they figure out what’s wrong?”

“Pneumonia,” Eggsy said, stroking one of Daisy’s small hands with his thumb. “You should go to work. You’re important, after all.” There was a bitter twist to his words. _More important than we are_ was left unsaid. Was Eggsy being purposefully dense? There was something dark under his words, something coiled and hurt.

Merlin’s hands curled into fists, and he forced himself to relax. “Why are you trying to wind me up?” It was hard to let it go, hard to make the tension in his shoulders go away. It wasn’t helped by Roxy there, her presence a glaring alarm in the background. He felt like he was being attacked for something he couldn’t control.

Eggsy was silent, not looking at either of them. Merlin looked at Roxy, tilting his chin up and giving her one of his imposing looks. “Leave,” he said. It wasn’t a request, more of a command. Somewhere in between.

Roxy looked at Eggsy, who half-shook his head. “I want her to stay.”

All Merlin could think of was less than twelve hours ago when they lay in bed, curled around each other, the warmth and comfort they drew from each other more than enough to sustain them. Now Eggsy was cold, Daisy was fire, and Merlin was about to get burned.

“I don’t understand,” Merlin said evenly. He tucked his hands in his pockets to give them something to do.

“ _Roxy_ answered her phone. She came and got us. Morgana said that if Daisy had been much longer before getting medical help, she’d be in intensive care.” Eggsy’s words were like knives in Merlin’s heart, piercing him bit by bit.

Why had the calls not gone through? What had happened to screw things up so badly? He stepped closer, waiting for Eggsy’s nod before he crouched down in front of Daisy. For a moment he took his attention away from his sort-of-boyfriend (were they anything now?) and directed it towards the child in his arms. The monitor told him that she was doing okay, her breathing steady and her oxygen stable. The fluids and antibiotics were probably overkill, but Merlin wasn’t going to say no.

He let out a long, shaky breath, watching the steady rise and fall of her chest, the rhythmic beats of her heart. Part of him felt like the world had been yanked out from underneath him, his formerly steady boat rocked. But that was part of relationships, part of affection. It threatened the foundation of everything.

“I’m going to find out what happened,” Merlin said, feeling the promise all the way down to his bones. He leaned forward, telegraphing his movements. Surprise flickered in Eggsy’s eyes, doubt and fear mixed in. But he turned slightly with a nod, and let Merlin kiss his cheek. There was so much Merlin wanted to pour into that that he couldn’t, so he settled on a squeeze of Eggsy’s hand and a sharp nod to Roxy on the way out.

He was going to find out what had happened, and he was going to make sure it never happened again.

**

“You have to sleep at some point,” Roxy argued. Eggsy ignored her. It was enough that he had finally agreed to move to a chair, letting Daisy sleep in her bed without him. That didn’t mean he was going to move away from her side any time soon.

“Eggsy.” She reached out as if to touch his shoulder and then stopped. He pulled his good leg up to his chest, chin on his knee. His casts were aching, his whole body sore. He didn’t know how long had passed since Merlin left, and he didn’t care. He didn’t want to think of anything but Daisy.

The door hissed open and he didn’t even flinch. He knew by the gait it wasn’t Merlin.

“How is she?” Morgana’s voice was quiet. There was disapproval there, but he didn’t care about that, either. He just stayed where he was, his eyes on Daisy.

“Same,” Roxy said. She glanced at the monitor, Eggsy could see the movement in the corner of his eyes. “Eggsy needs some rest.”

“Fuck you,” Eggsy said without any real feeling. Morgana paused.

“I’ll tell Harry,” Roxy threatened. “Go for a five minute walk. Something to get out of the room.”

Eggsy’s temper flared, although he wasn’t sure why. “Fine.”

That insidious voice in his mind was still there, circling him like he was felled prey. _They just want to get rid of you,_ it whispered. _You’re bad for Daisy. You’re bad for Merlin, for everyone. They’ll talk about it once you’re gone._

Eggsy couldn’t think of the last time it had been that loud. It had been easy enough to ignore during Kingsman training, to drink in Merlin or Harry’s praise and continue moving forward with solid evidence to put it aside. But he was injured and vulnerable. He’d risked feeling, opened up to Merlin and been - he didn’t even know what. Burned? Hurt?

He stood without looking at either of them, and it was only the fact that Daisy was sleeping that kept him from slamming the chair to the side in an incredibly immature display of anger as he left the room. His heart was racing, blood thundering in his ears over the sound of his ragged breath. It was like having tunnel vision, his attention just going forward and ignoring everything else.

He got in the tube, punched a random stop, and sank into the chair, his breath coming out in a rush. Maybe he did need some food. Maybe he needed something else. His breathing had slowed by the time the tube did, and now everything just hurt. His heart, his ribs, his arms and legs. All he wanted was to go find Merlin and - he didn’t even know what, but he knew Merlin would make it better.

Or would have, if Eggsy wasn’t so angry with him over not answering his phone, not receiving the calls. Maybe Merlin had just left some setting on that blocked him from receiving calls. Maybe there had been a glitch. Either way, Eggsy was angry, although whether it was rational or not was up for debate. He let out a deep breath and got out, not letting himself think about where he was. Instead he picked a random hallway of the two presented and headed down it, as silently as he could.

It wasn’t long before he heard voices. His anger didn’t stop him from slowing down, quieting his breathing so he could listen. His heart skipped a beat when he realized it was Merlin talking.

“I don’t understand how it could have happened.” There was something veiled under Merlin’s words, something dark and dangerous, mixed with anger and hurt that Eggsy hadn’t heard from him before. Eggsy didn’t dare risk sneaking forward to see who he was talking to. He barely risked breathing, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping.

‘What happened, Sir?” That was Dindrane’s voice, Eggsy recognized her. They hadn’t crossed paths much during his training, but she had been around when Daisy had first come to the mansion.

“I saw calls recorded on Eggsy’s mobile and none reached my phone or my glasses.” There was a deliberate pause. “There’s only a few people in the department who could reach those settings.”

Dindrane paused a beat too long. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sir.”

“Dindrane.” Merlin’s voice dropped an octave. Part of Eggsy was terrified, but he had to admit that part of him was turned on. Angry Merlin had some sex appeal when Eggsy couldn’t see him. It was so easy to imagine that deep voice in a different, better context, instead of one where Eggsy could end up --

“Sir?”

Something crunched, but Eggsy couldn’t see what it was. From the way Dindrane inhaled sharply, it had to be something she could see. A demonstration of strength? “I found the code you used. You didn’t erase it as thoroughly as you thought.”

Another, longer pause. Something crumpled in the air, Eggsy could feel it. “Your work is important,” she said firmly. “You waste too much time on --”

Another crunching sound.

Dindrane’s voice trembled slightly as she continued. “Things that don’t matter. You need to focus. You can’t be distracted by irrelevant things like him--”

There was a loud sound, something that made Eggsy jump although not scream. If he had to bet, Merlin must have hit something. “Watch what you say.” His voice was a dark growl, something that sent shivers down Eggsy’s spine in a way he couldn’t interpret. Adrenaline was surging, mixing with exhaustion into almost a delirium. 

“You can’t fire me,” Dindrane said, her voice growing stronger. “I know too much. You can’t replace me.”

Eggsy’s heart was racing, his pulse thundering in his ears. He couldn’t see them, but he could feel how the air was shifting, how Merlin must have been taking up both physical and emotional space.

“I can’t fire you,” Merlin agreed, almost deadly amicably. “But if you mess with Eggsy or Daisy again, or my communications, you will never leave this mansion again.”

Dindrane swallowed loudly in the silence.

“At least not alive.”

Eggsy scrambled to keep his mind focused, conflicted on all sorts. Part of him was pleased that Merlin was protecting them, but there was the part of him that had dealt with Dean for so many years that didn’t want to think about protecting himself from Merlin’s anger, what obviously simmered under the surface.

But that was the long and short of it, in a way. No matter what, Merlin was strong enough to beat Eggsy, even when Eggsy was closer to full capability. Eggsy’s life had been in Merlin’s hands, yet until now Merlin hadn’t shown any anger. It had only started to simmer over when Eggsy had been too angry to respond, to react. When something had happened that threatened their relationship.

He wasn’t angry _at_ Eggsy, he was angry _for_ him. It wasn’t a distinction Eggsy was familiar with.

“Get out,” Merlin said, his voice a growl. ‘I don’t want to see you for at least the next two weeks.”

There was a faint clatter and then the sound of running feet. Cursing, Eggsy tried to hide, but there wasn’t anywhere for him to go. He was on the main thoroughfare between wherever they had been and the tube that whomever was obviously running for.

As Dindrane came round the corner, she saw him. Her eyes were wide for a second, then narrowed. Her running slowed, and she stopped just a few inches from him. “Everyone who dies while he’s distracted is blood on your hands,” she said, her voice low and venomous. “Can you live with that?”

Then she was gone, leaving Eggsy standing there by himself, her words spinning in his mind. That wasn’t true, wasn’t it? Merlin was an adult, he could manage his own job. Dindrane was just mad, lashing out. She had fucked up and was getting punished for it, so of course it was someone else’s fault. Merlin wouldn’t let that happen. He was good at what he did.

Lost in thought, Eggsy hadn’t heard Merlin’s footsteps until he appeared in the corridor, his face its blank, stoic mask. Heart racing, Eggsy met his eyes, held them. He should have been smart, he should have turned around, should have apologized. But he didn’t. Instead he just held Merlin’s gaze with his, like the air was holding its breath while they just looked at each other.

“It won’t happen again,” Merlin said, his voice low. It wasn’t quite the growl, but it wasn’t his usual tone, either. His accent was thicker, the anger seeming to shape his words. “I’ve made sure of that.” He was still about six feet away from Eggsy, his hands tucked in his pockets, no sign of whatever had made the crunching noise.

Eggsy nodded, swallowed thickly. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, what he needed. No, that wasn’t quite true. He knew what he wanted, what his body craved. Merlin was right there, and despite everything that had happened with Daisy and his anger, Merlin was still safety and security, and the world always looked better with someone at his side. But part of Eggsy was still on edge, the venom in Merlin’s words setting off his nervous system, making the hair on the nape of his neck stand on end.

‘Did you need something?” Merlin asked, his voice inching towards the level version Eggsy was used to. It wasn’t Alastair, it wasn’t usual Merlin work-style. It was Merlin working hard to control himself, to control anger that was threatening to lash out, that Eggsy hadn’t seen before. Merlin was usually so easy-going. But then again, Merlin was a Kingsman. He was as dangerous as all of them, had gone through the same training. He hid the anger under his wooly jumpers, his easy smile. The way he cared.

Eggsy let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Are we still…” The words trailed off when he couldn’t finish them. Were they still together? Something? Did Merlin still care?

Merlin took a few steps forward, stopping before he entered Eggsy’s personal space. “If you changed your mind, all you have to do is say so.” His voice was back to its level tone now, although there was a gravely quality here and there that hinted at how deep it had gotten.

“I know,” Eggsy said simply, some of the tension leaving his shoulders, his body. He knew Merlin meant it. Eggsy wasn’t trapped in the relationship, he was there of his own free will. Without making a conscious decision, he closed the distance between them, taking one of Merlin’s hands in his good one and going up on his toes to kiss him. Closed-mouth at first, chaste, but the kiss deepened as Merlin’s hand curled around Eggsy’s and his other arm slid around Eggsy’s body, pulling him closer.

Eggsy could feel the harsh beat of Merlin’s heart against him, could almost hear the pulse in his neck and his wrist. It was almost staccato in its sharpness, so very different from Eggsy’s but so critical to his survival at the same time. Merlin groaned, his chest rumbling against Eggsy’s, when Eggsy’s tongue licked at his teeth, deepening the kiss, kissing him like he was drowning.

He didn’t want to think about the fact that the kiss made him feel better, that he was holding onto Merlin like he was the only thing keeping him afloat. Merlin’s body was tall and solid against his, but soft in the way Merlin held him, careful of his injuries but still wanting.

‘Eggsy,” Merlin said between kisses, taking a long time to get his name out. He stopped, as if he wasn’t sure what to say. “I’m sorry.”

Eggsy met his eyes, then shook his head. There weren’t words for what was going through his mind, through his body. Merlin didn’t need to apologize, but Eggsy was too shattered, too fragile to be able to say why. He pulled Merlin close, losing himself in the feeling of their mouths together. His body was hypersensitive, aware of the way Merlin was against him, their hips slotted together. It would have been so easy to roll his hips, so instinctive to deepen what they were doing.

But he didn’t. And Merlin didn’t push.

“Fuck,” Eggsy whispered harshly, letting his forehead fall to Merlin’s shoulder, ignoring the tears that burned their way down his cheeks. “Fuck.”

Merlin’s hands were slow in the way they wrapped themselves around Eggsy, holding him close. It was reminiscent of the night before but more deliberate. “I do love you,” Merlin said, the words even and raw at the same time.

Eggsy had to swallow past the lump in his throat, caught off guard. “I don’t know why.” Fuck. He winced, probably visibly. Why the fuck had he said that?

Merlin paused, then shifted to tilt Eggsy’s head so he could nuzzle his neck, gently scrape his teeth over the skin and draw shivers from Eggsy. “A lot of reasons.” A light nip, a warm tongue to soothe it. “When you’re better, I’ll show you.”

Eggsy shivered, inhaling sharply when Merlin’s hand found its way up his shirt, resting gently on the side where his ribs had taken the hardest beating. “I’m sorry,” Eggsy said, the words forcing themselves out. He used his casted hand to rub harshly at his face, hampered by the fact he was so close to Merlin. Instead he just sort of ended up using Merlin’s jumper to dry his eyes.

Merlin shook his head, although he didn’t meet Eggsy’s gaze. Instead he nudged Eggsy until he had bared the other side of his neck, his shirt down just enough that Merlin could nip his collarbone, drawing a sharp inhale of breath from Eggsy. “Don’t apologize,” he said, the words puffs of air against Eggsy’s skin. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”

Eggsy let out a long, shuddering breath. Merlin kissed his neck once, the juncture between his shoulder, then straightened up, his mouth shiny from the kissing. Eggsy couldn’t help but reach up and kiss him again, soft and chaste though it was. There was so much he felt for the tall man in front of him, so many feelings that were difficult to put into words.

_Thank you,_ he wanted to say. But he didn’t. _I love you_ , he didn’t say either. Instead he just wrapped his arms around Merlin, holding him as tight as he could despite the cast. _Don’t ever leave_ , sat on the tip of his tongue. But the words wouldn’t come.

Merlin pressed a kiss to the top of his head, not pressuring Eggsy to let go, not doing anything but holding him back. “We should go check on Daisy.”

Eggsy let out another breath, some of the tension that had been making him sick unspooling. “In a minute,” he said. He swallowed. “I want to stay like this.”

There was surprise in the way Merlin’s hand skittered over his spine, but he resumed the long, sweeping motion. “Then we can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Percival stopped Harry from retorting with a juvenile joke. As to what Merlin broke, your guess is as good as mine. ;)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're inching our way to the last bit...
> 
> But we still have a bit to go.

It had been less than a week since Merlin had found Eggsy in the medical wing, but that was all he could remember as he stumbled inside the front door of his home, Eggsy behind him. Neither had slept well, not in the intervening time. Something painful lodged in Merlin’s chest, a combination of worry and unease. They hadn’t talked about the conversation in the hallway, about what had caused it, but Eggsy had stopped glaring at him and Roxy had stopped acting as a chaperone.

“I’ve updated her crib,” Merlin said, shifting to drop their bags and then waiting to follow Eggsy as he headed up the stairs. As tired as he was, Eggsy just nodded as he passed, cradling the sleeping Daisy close to him. Both Merlin and Morvydd had decided it was bacterial pneumonia and would likely clear up in a week or two, but she needed rest, antibiotics, and fluids until then. As a bonus gift from medical, Eggsy had gotten his leg cast off. He still needed to sleep in a boot to keep him from rolling his ankle in a way that would aggravate the fracture, but otherwise he was free and clear, as long as he didn’t do anything  _ too _ stupid.

The way Morvydd had looked at Merlin on the way out made Merlin think the doctors were giving Eggsy less than a week with the cast off.

They apparently didn’t know Merlin very well. If he had to tie Eggsy to the bed to keep him from aggravating his ankle, he would. Eggsy still walked slightly odd, as if he couldn’t get used to the feeling of actually being able to wear shoes. Merlin had been there before, years ago. It would take time. And sleep too, probably. At least they didn’t have to worry about painkillers anymore. Eggsy was mostly recovered.

“Thanks for everything, Merlin.” There was a tired gratefulness in Eggsy’s tone, as he pushed open the bedroom door and led the way to Daisy’s crib. She was sleeping soundly, helped by a dose of cough medicine. Daisy was already a heavy sleeper, but now it felt like elephants could tromp by and she wouldn’t notice. Which was good in terms of getting her the rest she needed, but less good in terms of ensuring that Merlin and Eggsy didn’t worry when she was out of their sight. They couldn’t spend the entire two weeks in Eggsy’s bedroom.

“Alastair,” Merlin corrected, his voice as gentle as he could make it. Work-life balance was going to be a thing. Somehow.

There was a pause, a faint smile that crossed Eggsy’s face. “Alastair,” he agreed.

Merlin watched with bated breath as Eggsy lowered her into her crib. “Let me show you.” He kept his voice soft, even knowing he didn’t have to, as he showed Eggsy how to attach the sensors. The oxygen saturation sensor was like a mini-glove, the heart rate a small sticky patch attached to her chest under her clothes. Both unobtrusive, and light enough that they wouldn’t hamper her breathing. “The sensor on her hand is to monitor oxygen levels, and a skin pad to monitor her heart rate.” He wasn’t leaving anything to chance. He also wasn’t leaving the house to work. Not after what had happened with Dindrane. The thought of it still made him rage, the fire burning inside him. He forced himself to take a deep breath, not wanting Eggsy to notice or interpret it as anger against him.

To Merlin’s surprise, once Daisy’s crib had been set and the monitors connected to their tablets, Eggsy slid an arm around Merlin’s waist and leaned into him, head against his shoulder. He seemed to be using Merlin as support, clinging to him in a bid to stay upright.

‘Eggsy,” Merlin said, and then he stopped, because he really wasn’t certain where he was going with that.

“Mm?” Eggsy looked at him, both open and guarded at the same time.

Merlin couldn’t help but marvel, in a way, how a single human could be such a walking contradiction. He could be comfortable next to Merlin, leaning into him for support, but there was still a part of him that pulled away and protected himself.

Merlin didn’t allow himself to get lost in the fantasy that maybe someday he would reach that part of Eggsy, know him inside and out. In their profession, they kept secrets. Merlin saw some things he never wanted to share, and given how Eggsy grew up, he was fairly certain that there were things Eggsy would keep to himself forever. That was okay, in Merlin’s opinion. It wasn’t a storybook, it wasn’t a fantasy. It was reality, and while it meant being together in a lot of ways, it also meant understanding where you could meet someone halfway and where you didn’t want to push.

If Eggsy came to find him, guarded or not, Merlin would be there.

Merlin half-shook his head, but didn’t move otherwise. He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go now, whether to move forward or stay where they were. It was not his favorite thing, being nervous, uncertain. It was like revisiting parts of his youth he would rather forget. But it was part of the price for loving someone, and Merlin would pay it.

Oh God, he was turning sentimental. Now he just had to hope Harry would never find out, because Harry wouldn’t let him forget it.

“Okay,” Eggsy said, sounding faintly amused, like Merlin’s indecision was something to be amused by. Maybe it was. “We should get some sleep.”

It took Merlin’s tired brain too long to process the words. “We should,” he agreed. Eggsy still hadn’t let go of him, and in return he held Eggsy about as close as he dared. “Where?”

Eggsy tilted his head up so he could look at Merlin, although they really weren’t that different in height. Merlin’s gaze flickered down to Eggsy’s lips, which curved into a smile. Taking that as a yes, Merlin leaned in and kissed him briefly, too tired both physically and emotionally for anything more.

“Your room?” Eggsy asked, although Merlin wasn’t entirely certain it was a question. “If you don’t need to work first.” There was an undercurrent of uncertainty, a slip of vulnerability from behind Eggsy’s well-kept shield.

“It’s being handled.” Merlin struggled to keep his face still, Dindrane’s betrayal still simmering under the surface even after so long.

Eggsy slid a hand in his and squeezed, the reassurance enough to ease the tension from Merlin’s shoulders.

Merlin closed his eyes for a moment and breathed out, directing his mind to focus on the here and now of Eggsy in his arms and Daisy safe and sound in her crib, being about as monitored as he could get without hauling all of medical to his safe house. Then Eggsy gently eased out from next to him, lingering in the way his fingers brushed against Merlin’s, before Eggsy moved towards the crib to bend down and give the sleeping Daisy a kiss.

Merlin resolutely did not think about Eggsy’s flexibility. He was too tired for that.

Sort of.

Eggsy half-smiled at him as he straightened, then he walked past Merlin without looking back. Merlin moved to follow and then hesitated, turning back to look at Daisy’s still form, the comforting rise and fall of her chest. He double-checked the trackers, that everything was working as he intended, before he gently stroked a thumb over her cheek, brushed some hair out of her eyes. 

It was an uncomfortable warmth that bubbled up in his chest, a surge of affection he hadn’t known he was capable of. But he did understand better why parents sacrificed so much for their children. There wasn’t much he wouldn’t give for Daisy, whatever she was to him. Not wanting to give in completely - what was he trying to hold onto? - he stroked her cheek once more before he turned, grabbing his tablet and noticing Eggsy had already taken his own.

There was a faint ray of light from the hallway into the room, just enough to reveal Eggsy standing in the doorframe. “Ready?” Eggsy asked, something complicated on his face that Merlin was too tired to pick apart.

“Yeah.” Merlin glanced back at Daisy once more, reassuring himself that she was there, a dark shape in a dark, well-alarmed room. There was a tug of panic as he closed the door behind him, fear that something would happen and he would miss it. He had a feeling that he was going to be dealing with that sort of fear for a while, given what had happened.

Eggsy led the way to Merlin’s bedroom - or their bedroom? Merlin wasn’t sure, and it was another thing he didn’t care to quantify at the moment. Once they were in the door, Merlin plugged his tablet into its dock, flicking on the television before he paused. “Can you sleep with it on?” He had dimmed the screen but it was still visible, Daisy slumbering peacefully in her crib.

“Yeah.” Eggsy’s eyes were soft as he looked at the image, a curve to the edge of his lips before he turned his attention back towards the bed. Merlin stifled a yawn before he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Eggsy wandered into the bathroom first, so Merlin sat on his side of the bed, staring at his drawer as if it would magically open up and present him with pajamas. It very rudely didn’t.

There was the sound of flushing, then the water running, before Eggsy wandered back in. His eyes were as tired as Merlin felt, and Eggsy kept most of his attention on Daisy’s image on the screen.

Instead of immediately moving, Merlin sat there for a few seconds longer, feeling like he had pulled way too many all-nighters and managed to fry his brain. It still worked, it just was slower. Like most of the computer equipment he kept in the former-wine-room. There was enough of his brain working to brush his teeth, change into pajamas, and toss his clothes in the vague direction of the laundry basket. He missed, but he could deal with that tomorrow. Whenever tomorrow was.

Eggsy was already under the covers when Merlin took his glasses off, setting them on the bedside table. He had a small table there, and from years of habit, a gun in its small drawer. He was isolated, and no one knew where he was, but that didn’t mean he took risks. Especially not now there was something to protect.

It was strangely odd to get under the covers with it so quiet, knowing Eggsy was there but neither of them speaking. Eggsy was laying on his back on his side of the bed, hands behind his head but tilted so that he wasn’t taking up Merlin’s space. Why wasn’t there a manual for this sort of thing? Merlin would have to write one. Or make Harry write one.

Nope, scratch that. That was an even worse idea.

Deciding to take the same approach he took to everything, he turned on his side facing the door, the way he liked to sleep. It put Eggsy to his back, but Merlin didn’t want to make assumptions or pressure him in any way. Instead he cushioned his arm under his head, making up for the fact he needed new pillows, then closed his eyes.

Sleeping wasn’t going to happen any time soon, but at the very least he could relax. Sort of.

“I thought you didn’t care.” Eggsy’s voice rang oddly loudly in the quiet.

Startled, Merlin turned over so he could face Eggsy, his profile a bit fuzzy in the dark without his glasses. Eggsy wasn’t looking at him, instead staring up at the ceiling, his hands still threaded behind his head. “What?” Merlin said dumbly, trying to figure out where Eggsy was going and what in particular he was talking about.

“When you didn’t answer.” Eggsy took a deep breath. Merlin watched the rise and fall of his chest, the reassurance that Eggsy was alive, had weathered the worst of everything that had happened. “I thought we didn’t matter.”

Merlin propped himself up on an elbow, facing Eggsy even though Eggsy wasn’t looking at him. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t want to give an excuse, offer something that wouldn’t fix the problem. There was nothing that could fix it in retrospect. He couldn’t change the past.

Eggsy made a thoughtful noise. “No platitudes?”

“Would it change anything?” Merlin would have tilted his head if it wasn’t perched on his hand. He kept his voice even, not sure how to handle the unexpected gravity of the situation.

Eggsy seemed to consider this. “Not really.”

Merlin turned on his stomach, moving the pillow so that he was relaxing on it. It was more comfortable, and he didn’t know how long the conversation would last. “I do care,” he said, his mind flashing back to the conversation in the hallway. 

_ “I don’t know why.” _

Merlin had been surprised and not-surprised at the same time. It only made sense. When his good role model was gone before he was ten, all that was left was Dean, and he was certainly not a superb help for building any sort of self esteem.

But words were so flimsy, so easily broken. It was something he would show, something he would impart over time. There was only so much that could be done to stem the damage that had been done. Emotional scars lasted a long time.

“I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again,” Merlin said finally. He hated the words, and they tasted bitter as they left his mouth. He wanted to guarantee, he wanted to say that Eggsy and Daisy would always come first. But he knew he couldn’t. It was better not to make a promise he couldn’t keep.

“Thanks.” The warmth in Eggsy’s voice surprised him.

Merlin shifted where he was laying, moving slightly closer so he could make out the expression on Eggsy’s face, nearsightedness be damned. Eggsy was watching him, something in his eyes that Merlin couldn’t decipher. Whether that was due to being tired or the inability to see, Merlin couldn’t have said. “You’re welcome,” Merlin said instead.

Eggsy hummed, more of a smile on his face than Merlin would have expected. He was still laying on his back, still hands behind his head like he didn’t have any cares in the world. Merlin wasn’t sure what it meant, why he was smiling, but his brain didn’t have the energy to puzzle it out.

“You’re not wearing your boot,” he said instead. He would have put up more of a fuss if he had any idea where they had put it. Probably somewhere downstairs, but he didn’t really feel like getting up and going to find it. He had a feeling Eggsy wasn’t so inclined, either.

“Better make sure I don’t move, then.” There was an undercurrent of wickedness, although it was more amusement than anything deeper. Eggsy was as tired as Merlin was, even if he didn’t show it.

Merlin propped himself up on his elbows, the pillow temporarily forgotten. “What?”

Eggsy finally met his eyes, untucking his hands from behind his head. “May I?”

Merlin blinked, glanced over his shoulder at the tablet, at Daisy, then nodded. “Yeah.” It almost took his breath away, placing himself in Eggsy’s hands. It was a level of trust he didn’t encounter often in his world, but he gave it almost without hesitation.

Eggsy moved until he was more central, entering Merlin’s side of the bed. He tugged on one of Merlin’s arms, which Merlin lifted obediently, and draped it over his far shoulder. Then he pulled, indicating for Merlin to roll on top of him.

Merlin did, although he was careful about it. He was taller than Eggsy, although it was still surprisingly comfortable. He let Eggsy move him, going where he was told until they were comfortable against each other, Merlin half of on top of him and one leg slotted between Eggsy’s. “I’m bigger than you,” Merlin muttered, half embarrassed but half comfortable.

“We haven’t measured that yet,” Eggsy said, humour lighting his eyes.

Merlin rolled his eyes, but there was a fondness there, too. “It doesn’t hurt your ribs?” Eggsy had healed somewhat, but Merlin didn’t want to push him too far.

“No.” Eggsy paused, his fingertips going up and down Merlin’s spine. It was a pleasant distraction, and this way he didn’t need the warmth of the covers, at least not yet. “It’s comfortable.” He said the words slowly, hesitantly, as if he was tasting them. “I feel safe.”

Merlin’s heart skipped a beat, his fingers tightening slightly where they rested on Eggsy’s hip. He wasn’t sure what to say to that, what to feel. He turned his head to press a kiss to the juncture of Eggsy’s neck and shoulders, before settling his head back on Eggsy’s chest, shifting so that he could hear Eggsy’s heartbeat, a quiet thump under the skin. “I’m glad,” Merlin said, the drowsiness starting to take ahold of him. “I’m glad.”

Eggsy kissed the crown of his head. “Go to sleep,” he said, his words a rumble under Merlin’s ear.

It took a bit, some deep breathing, a flutter of nerves, but Merlin fell asleep, still curled up against him.

**

Merlin was still asleep when Eggsy woke up, both aware of and comforted by the steady weight on top of him. It hadn’t been something he’d planned, or even something he had thought of. Normally being trapped would have caused the opposite reaction. But it felt different, with him. It was easy to look up and see Daisy’s image, watch her breathe, her vitals displayed next to the monitor. For once he was completely at peace.

He didn’t like it.

It was like it had been the day Daisy had fallen sick, the anxiety, the worry rising up in his chest, threatening to suffocate him. Those thoughts lurking in the back of his mind, that it was just a matter of time until Merlin got rid of him, until Daisy was hurt by everything he did. It was insidious, how that voice worked, how much it could take ahold of his mind and screw everything up.

His hand was splayed on the curve of Merlin’s back, fingers warm against his skin. He knew the moment he tried not to move, to not wake Merlin, he would start shaking, because that was just how it went. Instead he focused on breathing, letting his fingers move but keeping the movements light. 

Merlin looked almost peaceful when he was sleeping, less harsh without the glasses and the usually stern expression. Even when he smiled his eyes were piercing, all too knowing. A wave of affection swam through Eggsy, despite his objection. He didn’t like thinking about feelings, much less ones that were towards people he cared about. But they were there.

“I can hear you thinking.” Merlin’s voice was thick with sleep, and his eyes were still closed.

It took barely anything to kick off Eggsy’s fight-or-flight instinct, and for a second panic threatened to crush him. But he fought it off with the ease of long practice.

When he came back to himself, Merlin had lifted his head and was looking at him, concern clear in his eyes.

Shit.

“You should sleep more,” Eggsy said, more than aware that he was dodging the unanswered question.

Merlin glanced at the TV monitor, then scowled. Probably because he couldn’t see it. Instead he rolled off Eggsy, grabbing his mobile and glancing at it. An eyebrow raised. Probably the time. Eggsy wasn’t sure what time it was, except for the fact the sun was shining through the curtains, and Daisy was still asleep, her vitals fine.

“It’s almost nine.” Merlin sounded disgruntled.

“Almost twelve hours.” Eggsy whistled, and then glanced at the monitor. “I should probably check on her --”

He was cut off by Merlin settling back on him. Not completely, not trapping him, but holding him there in a way. “Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was more gentle than Eggsy deserved, more gentle than he wanted.

It was as gentle as he craved.

He hated his brain, hated the push-and-pull that came with everything when he allowed himself to feel. It was so easy to say he was fine with everything, that nothing impacted him and that he was immune. It was so much more difficult to follow through without hurting himself, closing himself off in a way that left him with nothing left.

“It’s stupid,” Eggsy said with as much of a shrug as he could manage with Merlin on top of him. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but he was quite firmly situated. Merlin’s height advantage scored him a point.

“I doubt that.” Merlin’s voice was still a bit raspy, but his eyes were serious.

Eggsy hated him at the moment, hated that he cared. Hated the way the adrenaline was building up inside of him, threatening to burst out. Whether he would laugh or cry, hold close or push away, he didn’t know. Anger and happiness and everything else were so closely intertwined that sometimes Eggsy didn’t know where one stopped and the other began.

Things were going well. Things were going  _ too _ well. No nightmares, no screaming. No dreams of blood and death, dying and surviving. No wondering if he was going to make it another day, if his next encounter, next fight, would mean life or death. It was the life Eggsy had become conditioned to, the one his nervous system craved. When it changed, he had trouble coping. When he had been recovering, the pain was its own distraction, a bitter sort of hurt that he was used to.

Now he had nothing. His arm was mostly healed, and his ankle didn’t hurt. His ribs didn’t even twinge after a night of Merlin on them.

There was another alternative for the anger, the frustration, one that prickled at his eyes, but he shoved it away viciously. He didn’t  _ do _ that. There was no room for  _ that _ in his world.

Merlin moved as Eggsy sat up, his breath starting to race in a way that was both predictable and familiar. He pulled a leg up to his chest, Merlin off to the side now, and put his forehead on it, relishing in the burn as disused muscles adjusted. He would need physical therapy soon. It would be therapeutic for more than his leg.

There were black spots at the edge of his vision, and no matter how deep of a breath he took he couldn’t get enough oxygen. His chest was crushing in on itself, his knuckles white as they dug into the duvet, his eyes half-closed as he fought to get control of himself.

Then Daisy cried, and it ratcheted up some more. It was like tunnel vision, his hands shaking, feeling like he was dying while knowing he was still alive. He didn’t cry through them anymore, or even fear for his life.He didn’t fear death, and he didn’t cry. He just focused on one moment and then the next, hating Dean, hating Michelle, hating himself - everything that had landed him in the moment.

“Can you --” Eggsy had to stop mid-sentence, draw in a ragged breath. “Take care of her?”

“Of course.” Merlin was still close but not touching, and the concern he was radiating felt like poison.

Eggsy pushed himself off the bed and around towards the door, opening it and heading downstairs without a second glance. Merlin wouldn’t follow, he would take care of Daisy first, and Eggsy was grateful for the break.

Another gasp for air, into the kitchen. His eyes were wide and seeing nothing at the same time, his chest still feeling like a vice was crushing him. Yet there was nothing physically wrong with him, not really. His heart wasn’t even beating that fast and his breath wasn’t rapid. No matter how close he felt to dying, his body didn’t care. It was too burned out.

Sometimes it was useful, not physiologically responding to stress. It’d saved him in Valentine’s lair. But it didn’t save him from himself. He grabbed his glasses off the counter, haphazardly shoved behind a bag of flour, before ducking into the not-wine room. It was comforting, in a way, to slide into the corner, his back to a bunch of defunct technology, and know there was nothing behind him. That he was safe, at least for the moment.

His breath was ragged still, and he pulled a leg to his chest, leaving his atrophied one outstretched but giving him something to rest his forehead on, something to tap with his restless fingers as he tried to steady his breathing. He didn’t believe in the breathing in, holding, breathing out. It just made him feel like he was choking.

He closed his eyes, focusing on breathing in and out, feeling safe where he was. Even as he was, he was strong enough to acknowledge it was because the room reminded him of Merlin. Merlin was comfort, safety and security. Merlin was familiar, someone Eggsy could go to. He was the old, well-maintained tech that he kept just in case. 

Opening his eyes, Eggsy reached over and touched the case of one of the computers, not surprised to find it cool against his skin. He didn’t have a fever, not legitimately, but the panic always spiked his temperature and the room was naturally cool. He let out a shuddering breath, trying to fight the memories that wanted to flash, the images that wanted to show themselves on the path to calming down.

Merlin’s raised eyebrows when Eggsy challenged him. The parachute test. The sense of triumph and then failure when Eggsy had broken the window underwater. The way Merlin had sent him back into Valentine’s lair, hoping for the best but knowing the worst was possible. The trust it had taken. The way Merlin looked at him like he might break at any moment, like Eggsy was something precious that could shatter so easily. Maybe he was right. Eggsy was quite broken, after all.

But then there was the ways Merlin kissed him, soft and slow. The way his hands, rough with gun calluses and long-night computer/work sessions, were always so gentle, even when Eggsy didn’t deserve it. The way Merlin had settled against him at night, never asking for more and just meeting Eggsy where he stood.

He swallowed thickly, more than aware he hadn’t brushed his teeth. He let out a long breath, rubbed his forehead with his fingers. If he was worrying about mundane things, he was over the worst of it. True to form, the crushing pain had started to ease up, and his chest hurt less, breathing steady but harsh. 

The paranoia was easing, the fight-or-flight becoming a distant hum instead of the present roar. It was a juxtaposition he didn’t understand. Strong but shattered. Brave but broken. Eggsy would give all of himself for someone else, but he didn’t value himself at the same level. There was a hurt he carried inside him, deep down where no one could touch, not even Merlin.

Maybe Eggsy was pulling away because he knew it could never work. He knew, in his heart of hearts, that keeping it off limits meant never letting Merlin in like he deserved. It meant never acknowledging what he felt, and always keeping the world at arm’s length. It was exhausting. But it was what he had to do.

If it changed, if  _ he _ changed, the world would crumble and everything he knew would end.

But was that really a bad thing? 

He half-shook his head. That was a thought for a different time.

His hands barely shaking, he picked his glasses up from the floor and put them on, blinking to activate them. There was a message from Merlin, a picture of Daisy, changed and in a new outfit, back asleep in her crib.  _ She didn’t want breakfast, so we’ll try in a few hours. _

Eggsy sat there for a few moments, torn on how to move forward. That meant Daisy was asleep again, but Merlin wasn’t. Merlin would want to talk, try and see what Eggsy was thinking. Or would he? Merlin had been respectful before. If Eggsy said he didn’t want to talk about it, Merlin wouldn’t press. He hadn’t before, even when Eggsy was crying in the rain, broken to the point he didn’t remember.

_ Can I get you anything? _

Merlin’s message flashed in front of his eyes, along with an image. Merlin was in the living room, his tablet and Eggsy’s tablet in front of him. He was giving Eggsy space, respecting what he needed but being present at the same time. Eggsy loved him so much it made his heart hurt.

He struggled to his feet, ignoring the faint pain. It wasn’t the fracture, more stretching muscles that weren’t used to it. He blinked the glasses off, putting them back on the counter after leaving the wine room, heading out through the kitchen door to the main living area. Merlin was sitting in one of the armchairs, one leg crossed over his knee and his fingers tapping absently on his ankle, his attention mostly on the tablet in his lap.

Then he must have heard the door, because his head snapped up and his attention switched to Eggsy. He hadn’t changed out of his pajamas, really, just thrown a shirt on. He was barefoot, something Eggsy found oddly endearing.

Merlin went to stand, but Eggsy shook his head. Merlin settled back where he was, watching Eggsy with almost a wariness to his eyes. The corner of Eggsy’s lips tugged up in a faint smile. He wasn’t afraid of Eggsy, he was afraid of overstepping his boundaries, hurting him.

Instead Merlin offered Eggsy the smaller tablet. He took it, glancing down at it for the reassurance and then setting it aside. Merlin watched as Eggsy came closer, settling on the arm of his chair. Merlin’s fingers twitched, like he wanted to wrap an arm around Eggsy, hold him close, but he kept his hand to himself.

“May I?” Eggsy asked.

Merlin looked at him, fairly bemused. “Wouldn’t it be more comfortable somewhere else?”

Eggsy shrugged, then waited for Merlin to move his own tablet before Eggsy sank down sideways on his lap, legs over the edge. It was a bit awkward, but it let him be close to Merlin without having to look at him, having the security of being in his arms without trying to run away. He ended up with an arm around Merlin’s neck, his face near Merlin’s but just far enough away that he didn’t have to make eye contact.

“You’re not supposed to be bending your ankle,” Merlin said almost absently, his attention on Eggsy more than his leg.

“Is that really what you’re concerned with?” Eggsy let some humor seep into his voice.

Merlin glanced at him, uncertainty there. “No.”

Eggsy kissed him on the cheek, the nerves sizzling through him but not debilitating.

Merlin cleared his throat. Eggsy’s heart raced, or so it felt like. But it wasn’t edged with fear, more with curiosity. “Have you thought about talking to someone?” Merlin’s words were measured, careful. Like he didn’t want to overstep, but he couldn’t help the worry.

“Wasn’t really anyone I could talk to.” Eggsy shrugged, shifting so that he was comfortable leaning against Merlin, against his chest. He liked hearing Merlin’s heartbeat, feeling his pulse. Having his warmth nearby and the safety that came with it.

“Kingsman does have several certified -”

“Offering me a therapist?” Eggsy’s lips quirked up. Part of him was uneasy, part of him found it amusing.

Merlin turned until he could meet Eggsy’s gaze for a moment, before Eggsy turned away. His cheeks burned, shame ticking under his skin. How would Merlin take that?

“Eggsy.” Merlin’s voice was even, and his finger tapped Eggsy’s chin. “Please look at me.”

For a second Eggsy considered protesting, sulking like a petulant child. But he wasn’t one. He was an adult, he was Merlin’s equal, and he would act like one. He lifted his head, leading with his chin and probably a bit more aggressively than he had intended. The gentle look in Merlin’s eyes didn’t help.

Merlin studied him for a long moment, scanning Eggsy’s face, taking all of him in. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through,” he started. Eggsy shifted where he was, fingers tightening against Merlin, almost starting to dig into his skin, but he didn’t look away. He didn’t float away, either. He was going to stay there. Merlin’s hand settled on his hip, thumb snaking under his shirt to rub soothingly against his skin. Eggsy hated it, but it did relax him.

Eggsy glanced away, then back at Merlin, who seemed to be struggling with what he wanted to say. It was unfamiliar territory for both of them, in a way. Eggsy wasn’t sure where he was going with that. If he was going to break up with Eggsy, he was in an awfully compromising position. He hadn’t pushed Eggsy away, hadn’t insisted on sitting separate. He welcomed Eggsy into his space.

Merlin sighed. Eggsy’s red alert flashed, but he fought to calm down.

“I don’t want to put all of the pressure on us,” Merlin said finally. There was something almost worried in his eyes, but Eggsy couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“What do you mean?” Eggsy frowned.

“You need someone you can talk to.” Merlin leaned in and kissed his cheek, his large hand cupping Eggsy’s face. “Someone that’s not me.”

Eggsy bristled at the suggestion that Merlin wasn’t enough, although part of him - a small part - wondered if Merlin was right. “You’re not enough?”

Merlin shook his head. “It’s not that.” His eyes were soft, and Eggsy’s stomach twisted itself in a knot. “A therapist would give you someone to talk to that’s unbiased, who can help you in a way I can’t.”

Eggsy opened his mouth. Merlin silenced him with another shake of his head.

“If you just lean on me, that puts your situation as the focus of our relationship.” Merlin navigated the word as if he was still somewhat unfamiliar with it, as if it was still hard to believe. It made Eggsy smile, even in the context of the more serious discussion. “A therapist would give you a third party. You wouldn’t have to share things with me if you didn’t want to. They could help you work through whatever you need in a way most beneficial to you.”

Eggsy broke eye contact, it finally becoming too much. “I…’ The word trailed off, because he didn’t really know what he wanted to say. The idea of talking to someone he didn’t trust, someone that wasn’t Roxy or Merlin, wasn’t particularly appealing. But Merlin had a point that if working on Eggsy’s ‘issues’ was the central part of their relationship, it wasn’t necessarily the healthiest focus.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me, or I don’t want to help you. I do.” Merlin stroked his thumb across Eggsy’s cheek, traced his jawline with the tip of a finger. “I’m quite fond of you.”

Eggsy’s smile was weak, but it was there. Defeat threatened to grab him, but uncertainty still won. What if it was a trick question? What if Merlin was trying to trip him up? “No one will know?” He hated the worry, the question in his voice.

“Harry will,” Merlin said. “Arthur keeps an eye on his agents. But no one else. Besides your therapist, obviously.”

Eggsy worried his lower lip. Merlin reached out and put a finger on Eggsy’s lips, interfering. Eggsy wanted to nip him for his cheek, but he didn’t. Instead he stopped biting, kissed Merlin’s finger instead and then curled closer to him. He felt oddly young, fragile, but ancient at the same time.

“Daisy’s okay?” Eggsy asked. He wasn’t changing the subject, not exactly. Ish.

“She is.” Merlin nodded. “Temperature is good, she took her meds. She wasn’t hungry, so we’ll try a protein shake or something later to ensure she gets nutrients.”

“Did she ask for me?” Eggsy wasn’t sure whether he was asking for reassurance or to guilt himself.

“What good would it be for you to know the answer to that?” Merlin raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t chiding, but he was straightforward, as he always was.

“Logic,” Eggsy grumbled.

“That is my job.” Merlin smiled faintly. “Is that a yes or a no?”

Eggsy looked down, his heart racing. “I can’t guarantee I’ll talk to them.”

“I’m not saying you have to.” Merlin kissed him. “It may not help. It’s just a potential tool in our arsenal.”

There was something heavy in his words, a commitment there. It caught Eggsy off guard. It was the two of them, not just Eggsy. Merlin was going to be there by his side. Eggsy shifted in Merlin’s arms, moving awkwardly until he was straddling Merlin’s legs, his arms around Merlin’s neck and his head buried at the junction between neck and shoulder. “I love you.”

Merlin’s hands settled on his hips, holding him steady. He kissed Eggsy’s head, fondness and warmth in the gesture. It warmed Eggsy from his head to his toes, something that still made him nervous but in a nice way. “I love you too.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll give you a heads up that this is super feels-heavy, AND there's naughty bits. There will be another naughty bit (at least one) before the end of it, but we're probably in the last quarter of the fic. Just two or three chapters left I think.
> 
> Limited Daisy this chapter because...relationships.
> 
> (It's also a long chapter, I think the longest of them all)

Eggsy tapped the toes of his trainers against the ground, back in the Kingsman mansion for the first time since Daisy had been sick. While she was almost completely better and currently under Merlin’s supervision in his lab, Eggsy still felt out of sorts at the place that had once felt like home. He was due to meet his physical therapist later the same week, to start working out a plan for his leg.

But first, he was meeting his therapist. _Evaine_. Yet another obscure name he’d never heard, but Kingsman delighted in that. Although Merlin had offered, Eggsy had refused his companionship. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Merlin’s support, but Eggsy was nervous, and meeting _Evaine_ was something he wanted to do on his own. Something he _had_ to do on his own.

Not that he was even going to talk to her. He leaned against the wall, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and tapping the fingers of his casted arm restlessly against his elbow. The energy was threatening to bubble up in him, turn into that sort of detachment that took him away from the world. He missed Daisy. He missed Merlin. He missed his regular life.

Well. Regular at Kingsman. He would never go back to before.

The door he was waiting for opened. It was nondescript and black, no name or anything, identifiable only by its location. He swallowed despite his dry throat, pushing up from the wall and straightening up, his chin lifting a fraction. The woman standing in the doorframe wasn’t what he had expected. She looked not much older than him, although she wore glasses and was dressed in slacks and a jumper that was almost as formal as Merlin’s. Eggsy only had maybe two inches on her, and the way she stood made her seem taller, more authoritative. Still, there was a kindness to her face that he didn’t hate. Brown hair, brown eyes. Nondescript in a way that would allow her anonymity if she was walking past him in public.

His nod of acknowledgment was jerky, and his body felt overheated as he went past her and into what served as her office. It was more spacious than he expected, but the way she had set up two armchairs and a couch made the overly-large space feel oddly cozy. There was a faux fireplace not far away, and for all it was fake he could feel the heat emanating from it. It was comforting.

“Take a seat,” Evaine said, nodding to any of them.

Eggsy stamped down his knee-jerk reaction, his immediate desire to shut himself down and immediately do the opposite, to protect himself. It wasn’t a judgment. It was a simple request. He picked the armchair furthest away from the others, scooting it back further away almost without thinking about it. It did put him closer to the fireplace, and he found his attention called by the dancing images of flames that were reflected on the floor.

His heart was racing as he heard the sound of her feet against the carpet, her flats making the smallest scuffing noise as she moved. She settled down into the armchair opposite him, as quiet as he was. He hated it, hated the nerves that threatened him. Hated that she was quiet, that she seemed competent. It would have been so easy to dismiss her, dismiss Merlin’s suggestion, pretend the whole thing was bunk.

But Merlin was right, and as much as Eggsy hated to admit it, he would. He didn’t want to lose what he had with Merlin - with Alastair - due to sheer stubbornness.

“You can call me Elle if you prefer.” Evaine’s voice was warm but detached, not overly coddling but firm in a way that made his shoulders relax a smidge. She wasn’t going to dance around him, pretend that things weren’t the way they were.

He sank down in the armchair, still not looking at her, now tapping his feet on the floor. Nervous didn’t cover what he was feeling. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to throw up. Why had he agreed to it? Why had he thought it would be a good idea? How much did she know?

“Eggsy, correct?” She pronounced his name without any judgment, without the exaggerated posh accent like Charlie had.

“Yeah.” He risked a glance at her, half-expecting to see a notepad or computer. Instead she was sitting in the armchair, one legged crossed over the other, a bright blue water bottle in her hand.

She was watching him through her glasses, her brown eyes sharp. “Why don’t you tell me what you want me to know?”

Evaine’s words caught him off guard and he lifted his head, frowning. “What do you mean? Haven’t you looked at - stuff?”

Evaine tilted her head to the side. “I’ve gone over your basic profile, yes. Your evaluations during training. But I want to hear what you want me to know about the rest.”

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes again, tapping his fingers on his knee. She studied him, then stood, heading for a shelf in the corner. Eggsy tensed, fight or flight flooding his body with adrenaline.

But then she turned around, a small basket in her hand. “These are stress balls.” She walked over and sat it on the arm of his chair, then settled back in her own. “And some distraction toys.”

Eggsy opened his mouth to snap at her and then closed it with a click of his jaw. It was the tension, the worry, anger, and fear that all coalesced in his middle that made him cranky. He wasn’t a child. But he also couldn’t deny that having something to do with his hands could help.

Without looking at her, Eggsy picked up a couple of the stress balls. They were rough in his hand, full of sand and difficult to squeeze. But he could feel some of the tension ease from his shoulders as he squeezed one with his good hand, taking his worry and fear out on it rather than himself or her. With his casted hand he put one on the arm of the chair, rolling it with his fingers. It wasn’t the same as gripping it, but it gave him some relief.

He felt ridiculous, the whole situation felt ridiculous, but he was grateful for the little things. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. “Dad died when I was a kid.” He squeezed the dark blue ball in his good hand, watching it squish under his grip. “Mom - Michelle - remarried an arse.” The bitterness in his voice surprised him, but not more than the fact he was talking.

And he kept talking. He hadn’t planned to, hadn’t meant to, but before he knew it he had told her everything. The drugs, the sex, the beatings - selling whatever of himself he needed in order to get his family through another night. How Michelle had pulled away, leaving Eggsy and Daisy to fend for themselves. How he’d been recruited to Kingsman, met Harry and Merlin and Roxy.

By the time he stopped he was hoarse, his throat dry like sandpaper. She hadn’t interrupted, hadn’t stopped him except to ask a few clarifying questions. Instead he had talked and talked until he had talked himself out.

His cheeks burned, the stress balls forgotten as he hung his head, elbows on his knees. What did she think of him now? He wasn’t like the rest of the Kingsmen. No one else came in like him. What would she tell Merlin? Would she get him thrown out of Kingsmen?

Oh God, he hadn’t even thought of that. She had to be a mandatory reporter or something, right?

“Breathe.” Evaine’s voice broke into his thoughts. He jerked his head up, half-surprised to see her offering him a bottle of water. “Breathe.”

Eggsy did, the fresh air almost painful at first as it got through the vise that was his chest. It was close to the panic he usually felt, but different. He was full of relief and fear at the same time, like he had unburdened himself of some things but took on baggage of another sort.

He took a drink of the water bottle, the liquid refreshing for his parched throat. He took a shaky breath, then another, until he was breathing normally, until the only sign of the panic was the energy that raced around under his skin, a buzz he couldn’t leave behind.

“How are you feeling?” Evaine asked evenly.

Eggsy let out a shaky laugh. He didn’t even know how to put it into words.

Evaine’s face lightened when she smiled. It was a kind smile, an understanding smile. “You’ve walked a long road,” she said.

Eggsy wasn’t sure what to say to that. No shit, Sherlock?

“Your plan is to be long-term with Merlin?”

Eggsy twitched at that, caught off guard. “What?” That wasn’t in his file, he knew that much.

“Due to your condition and recovery, I did talk briefly with him prior to our meeting.” She studied him in quiet. “He gave nothing of your relationship away. That was a guess on my part.”

Eggsy met her eyes, curiosity overpowering his reluctance. “How did you know?”

“Of your time in Kingsman, he’s who you talk about with a smile.” Evaine’s eyes were gentle. She wasn’t smiling, wasn’t patronizing, but there was a softness in her expression that he felt okay with.

Eggsy glanced down at his feet. “He’s watching Daisy.”

Evaine nodded, then she glanced at the wall. Eggsy followed her gaze, surprised to see he’d been talking for the better part of an hour. How had time passed like that? He hadn’t even realized he had that much to talk about.

“I’d like to see you next week,” Evaine said, her voice steady. “But first, I want to know what you want out of this.”

That was a good question. He opened his mouth to say he didn’t know, then stopped. Stopped and thought about it. What did he want?

He wanted Merlin. He wanted Daisy. He wanted, against all of his better instincts, to be happy. He knew the world would more likely crash and burn, that he would die or Merlin would and he would be alone forever, Daisy caught in the middle. But for a moment, he wanted -

“I want to believe in happy endings.”

**

Merlin sat at his desk, painfully aware of Dindrane in the next room. Daisy was dozing on his lap. She was almost better, but she was still taking an extra long afternoon nap while recovering. She was snug against him, her head on his shoulder. It was easy enough to work with one hand, his other arm wrapped around her to make sure she wouldn’t fall off.

It took all of his concentration to not bounce his foot in place, as nervous as he was. Instead he tapped his fingers against Daisy’s side, nerves betraying him. Eggsy was due out of therapy soon. Had it gone well? Had he liked Evaine? Merlin had vetted her before suggesting her, given her the bare minimum of information. She had a good reputation, was top of her class, and wasn’t too far from Eggsy’s age.

Even better, she’d come from a neighborhood not far from Eggsy’s. She knew what it was like to be where he had. Not many knew that, but Merlin knew how to dig in the files and find the information people preferred to hide.

The door opened and Merlin jerked his head up, partially relieved and partially worried to see Eggsy standing there. He looked almost like he had been hit by a truck, his eyes somewhat distant and something haggard to his face. Merlin went to stand but stopped when Daisy moved. He didn’t want to wake her up.

“Can we go?” Eggsy asked, not looking directly at Merlin but instead out of the corner of his eyes.

“Of course.” Merlin logged out with one hand, standing as carefully as he could to not jolt Daisy or wake her. He moved towards Eggsy who was still standing in the doorframe, staring at nothing. “Are you okay?”

Eggsy half-shook his head, but he didn’t seem unduly distressed. He just seemed...blank. Had it been a shit idea, suggesting therapy? What if Merlin had fucked things up? He couldn’t beat himself up in the office. He’d wait until they got home.

Merlin led the way to the tube, programming it to bring them out at the spot closest to Merlin’s car, so he could take them - well. _Home_ , was what he wanted to think. Did Eggsy consider it so? He wasn’t sure, no matter what he had overheard. So much had changed since then.

Eggsy sank into one of the armchairs of the tube, so Merlin sat next to him, his posture weird in order to keep Daisy comfortable. It put his free hand on the armrest next to Eggsy. He wasn’t really surprised when Eggsy reached over and took it, but he was surprised at the tightness of Eggsy’s grip. He really was making sure that Merlin wasn’t going anywhere.

Merlin looked at him, even though Eggsy wasn’t looking back. His profile seemed tired, the way he was holding Merlin’s hand like Merlin was the only thing keeping him afloat.

“I’m going back next week,” Eggsy said. The words were slow, almost as if they were surprising Eggsy as much as they surprised Merlin. He couldn’t deny that he felt relieved, too, knowing that Eggsy would be getting help from someone other than him. Not that he didn’t want to help Eggsy, but it was a heavy responsibility.

Merlin nodded, squeezed Eggsy’s hand. He didn’t want to react one way or the other, neither approval nor disapproval. He didn’t want Eggsy to feel judged, to feel pressured into it. He just wanted him to be happy.

“Daisy okay?” Eggsy turned to look at him, although his eyes were on Daisy asleep against Merlin’s chest.

“Couldn’t wait to get home and passed out.” Merlin looked down at her, a bit chagrined but mostly besotted. He wouldn’t be thrilled to admit it out loud, but he loved that Daisy trusted him enough to fall asleep when it was just him, even when Eggsy wasn’t around.

“She’ll sleep through it.” Eggsy’s smile was tired.

“Eggsy.” Merlin stopped himself, not sure where he wanted to go with that. It was something he was oddly familiar with, when it came to Eggsy.

“Thanks.” Eggsy squeezed his hand, much to Merlin’s surprise. Merlin looked at him, blinking. Eggsy leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Merlin said, although he wasn’t entirely certain what he was responding to or being thanked for. Either way, he wasn’t going to ask, not yet. If Eggsy wanted him to know, or wanted to tell him more about therapy, he would.

The rest of the trip passed in a companionable silence. Eggsy took Daisy and buckled her in, choosing to sit in the back with her and nap during the drive to Merlin’s. It gave Merlin some time alone with his thoughts, not that he necessarily needed it. His mind was more than capable of driving himself crazy.

His glasses rang, the tone muted. Merlin glanced at Eggsy in the backseat, asleep against Daisy’s car seat, then blinked to answer. He would just be quiet. “Hello, Harry,” Merlin said dryly. The video didn’t activate, but he knew who it was.

“You’re driving.” Harry sounded intrigued.

“I can do that.” Merlin slowed, preparing to turn to the right. “What do you need?”

Harry paused on the other end of the line. Merlin turned, still waiting for Harry to speak. Was there someone else there, or did Harry just need a few moments to gather his thoughts?

“How is Eggsy?” Harry said finally.

The corner of Merlin’s lips tipped up in a smile and he glanced at Eggsy, asleep in the back of the car. Harry was a softie, for all he pretended not to be. “Worried, are you?”

Harry sniffed, like he was about to retort. Then there was another sound, like someone had hit him. Percival, if Merlin had to bet. No one else dared keep Harry in line. “Yes,” he said, sounding rather put out.

“You know I won’t tell you,” Merlin said, the words slow.

“I’m not asking for details,” Harry said, exasperated. He sounded like he thought Merlin was being purposefully dense. He cleared his throat. “I just.”

“Wanted to make sure he was okay?” Merlin’s voice was softer, and this time he didn’t look back at Eggsy. It was a sentiment he could understand. When he gave in and flicked his gaze up to the rearview mirror, Eggsy had turned his head and was watching him, jade eyes solemn.

“Yes.” Harry let out a long breath. “I do worry.”

“He’s alive and unharmed,” Merlin offered.

“And listening?” Harry seemed to relax some, apparently convinced there wasn’t a plot to hide Eggsy’s distress or something else going on.

“Yes.”

In the back, Eggsy’s lips quirked into a brief smile before it faded out again.

“Tell him --” Harry cleared his throat, the drama queen he was. But there wasn’t a smack in the background, just a faint rustle of clothes. Was Percival comforting him? Was Harry genuinely worried? Merlin was touched. Or would have been, if he wasn’t so suspicious. He didn’t trust Harry further than he could throw him. Arthur-Harry, sort of. Actual-Harry, no.

“Tell him I’m looking forward to showing him his new office.” The words spilled out like they weren’t what he had wanted to say, but he’d decided on them anyway.

“I will.” Merlin purposefully drove past his actual exit, not wanting Harry to see him going anywhere near his house. He’d take a more obscure way. “Anything else?”

“Percival says hello,” Harry said, sounding rather put out.

Merlin chuckled. “He made you call, didn’t he?”

There was a click as someone else came on the line. “If only to get him to stop moping around the house.” Percival sounded half irritated, half fond, a usual blend when you were dating Harry Hart. Or working with him.

“Tell them thank you.” Eggsy’s voice was a bit hoarse, but Merlin could hear him clearly. He was fairly certain Harry could, too, given how the car echoed.

Silence reigned in the glasses for a few, long moments. “He’s very welcome,” Harry said warmly. “Now, I --”

“He’s got to make dinner because he lost today’s bet,” Percival broke in, apparently not letting Harry get away with a nondescript goodbye. “When he’s finished, he might get his phone privileges back.”

Merlin hung up to Harry’s sputtered disagreements, the beginnings of a ‘you’re not the boss of me’ argument between the two of them. Percival was so quiet and efficient that Merlin often forgot there was more to him than that, even when he was with Harry.

“They’re together, aren’t they?” Eggsy asked.

Merlin glanced at him, surprised. “Harry and Percival?”

Eggsy’s head dipped in a nod.

“They are.” Merlin wasn’t certain if it had come up before, or if he was just confirming Eggsy’s suspicion. But he knew Harry wouldn’t mind. “It’s complicated.”

Eggsy chuckled. “Indeed.”

The sun was still shining but from a deeper angle, casting long shadows instead of blinding them. Merlin switched to the direct route, keeping an eye on Eggsy until he finally parked.

“I’ll get her.” Eggsy was out of the car with Daisy before Merlin was, heading towards the door and inputting the code without a backwards glance.

“Grab my tablet, would you?” Merlin said, his voice just loud enough to be heard without waking Daisy.

Eggsy nodded, pushing the door open and heading inside. Merlin took his time getting the luggage in the house, guessing Eggsy needed some time and space to process whatever had happened. Instead he went into the kitchen, itching for a glass of scotch but settling for water instead. He poured one for Eggsy, too, just in case he was thirsty.

Although Eggsy had just wanted it restricted, Merlin had gave most of the alcohol away, some to Kingsmen’s stash and others to Harry. He’d never been addicted to anything but he knew enough that temptation would be a problem, always, and he didn’t want to make Eggsy’s life harder. It was hard enough as it was.

Purposefully he didn’t track how much time passed, but it was enough he was on his second glass of water by the time Eggsy came down the stairs. Merlin had moved to the living room, seated so he could see when Eggsy appeared. Eggsy’s tablet was in his casted hand, Merlin’s tucked under his free arm. He gave Merlin his, and sat down with his own on the other side of the couch. There was only a foot or so of space between them.

Merlin watched him, not hiding it. He didn’t think Eggsy would mind, not now. Eggsy’s shoulders were hunched in on himself, his attention on the tablet in his lap. Merlin let himself take a look at the screen - Daisy was sleeping well, breathing steady, temperature and vitals normal. Part of him still wanted to be up there, watching over her, but it wasn’t realistic. Besides, he trusted his technology. At least at home.

Eggsy reached out a hand for Merlin’s tablet. Intrigued, Merlin gave it to him, watching as Eggsy placed them both on the coffee table before moving so that his head was in Merlin’s lap, staring up at the ceiling as he moved a bit to get comfortable. Without meaning to Merlin’s hand slid into his hair, stroking over his scalp. It was reassuring to have Eggsy that close, to feel the warmth of his body, know that he was alive and okay.

Eggsy’s fingers steepled over his stomach as best they could with the cast, his eyes closing. A happy sort of warmth settled in Merlin’s middle, a burst of contentment that he wasn’t sure how to deal with. He could look forward to evenings like that, Eggsy curled up close, Daisy asleep past her bedtime. The two of them getting some alone time in a life that was about to become increasingly chaotic.

“You’ll be getting Harry’s office,” Merlin said. “The Galahad name.”

Eggsy’s eyes popped open and focused on Merlin’s face. “But --”

“He’s going to be Arthur, now,” Merlin said, watching Eggsy in return. He looked so young and so old at the same time, his skin free of wrinkles but his eyes those of someone who had seen far too much. An old soul, as Merlin’s nan would have said. “He doesn’t need the name.”

There was a stubborn pout to Eggsy’s lips, but it smoothed out. He studied Merlin intently, something still wrong there.

“You don’t want it?” There was an option instead, there always was, but Merlin wanted to know what was wrong, if Eggsy was willing to share.

For a second it looked like Eggsy was going to shut down, dismiss whatever it was that had been on his mind. Then he sighed. “I don’t.”

“Then you don’t have to have it.” It was easy enough to switch the paperwork. “The name, the office, or both?”

Eggsy frowned, but that smoothed out, too. Merlin was torn. What was underneath his expression? What was he feeling, thinking? But there was no way Merlin was going to press him.

“Can we retire his name?” Eggsy asked. “For a generation or two.” There was something tight to his lips.

Merlin inclined his head. “Something like that.” He wasn’t sure if they had the bylaws for it, but he would make it happen. He glanced out the window, the sun starting to dip behind the land, night starting to fall. It meant Daisy’s sleep schedule would be royally screwed up, but Merlin would take it.

“Mer --” Eggsy cut himself off with a frown, then he looked at Merlin, something vulnerable there. “No, you don’t have to. I’ll take the name.”

“Okay,” Merlin said amicably.

“You’re not --” Eggsy cut himself off again, sitting up with a grimace. His back was to Merlin but he scooted closer, his backside close to Merlin’s thigh, so he could lean against Merlin for support without having to face him. “You can ask why.”

“I didn’t want you to feel pressured.” Merlin didn’t shift in place, but he did reach out to grab his water and take another drink. There was something tense in the air, something of Eggsy’s that was stretched thin and close to breaking. Merlin had done therapy himself, for a few things. Some Kingsman missions left scars that couldn’t be seen. He knew how exhausting it could be.

“I don't want you to feel like you can't ask questions.” Eggsy looked torn, partially upset and partially blank like he had been most of the evening. Merlin couldn’t see his face but he could see the hunch of his shoulders, the way he’d pulled his legs up so he could lean into them, but at the same time his movements were almost automatic, like his mind wasn’t completely conscious of them.

Merlin wasn't sure what to say to that.

“I'm an adult,” Eggsy said, almost waspishly.”If I can't handle the question, I'll tell you.”

Merlin twisted his lips unhappily, but he caught himself. “I'm not mad at you,” he clarified.

Eggsy made a doubtful noise, so low Merlin wasn't even sure he realized it.

Merlin sighed, running a hand across his head, like he was raking hair back that wasn’t there anymore. “Eggsy, if this is going to work, there needs to be trust on both sides.”

Eggsy half-turned, a painful grimace flashing on his face before he caught himself, twisting fully on the couch. “What does that mean?” His defenses were on high, Merlin could see. Something had pushed him, put him into fight-or-flight.

_Good job, Alastair._

He cut that off where it started. It wasn’t time for self-doubt, for anything other than focusing on Eggsy, moving forward. “Sometimes I still assume I know better,” Merlin admitted. The words threatened to curdle in his mouth, and it probably showed on his face. “But that’s not how it works in a relationship.”

Understanding flashed across Eggsy’s face, but it was tempered with skepticism. “You’re trying to protect me.” There was amusement underlying the words, like the very thought of protecting Eggsy was ridiculous.

But it was true. “I am,” Merlin said. “And I shouldn’t be. You’re an adult, like you said. I need to trust you.”

Eggsy straightened up some, surprise now the dominant emotion on his face. There were others, flickers of confusion and worry, like now that Eggsy had this piece of the puzzle he wasn’t sure what to do with it.

“I am sorry,” Merlin said softly. “I’m sorry I doubted you.”

It was like a hole in the foundation, and Merlin could see something wobble in Eggsy’s eyes, as if it was deciding whether or not to trust him, to fall. A barrier? Something else?

“Fuck,” Eggsy muttered, scrubbing at his eyes. There weren’t tears there, but it gave him something to do with his hands, Merlin supposed. He wasn’t looking at Merlin now, instead staring at the coffee table, hands curling into light fists, as if he wasn’t sure what to do with them.

Merlin felt wrong-footed, and it was a disconcerting feeling. Honesty was a good policy, but part of him felt that speaking wouldn’t help, would instead just distract.

**

It was hard, almost impossible, to put into words the feelings that were storming around in his head. The words, from therapy and before, whirling around on repeat, driving anything else from his mind.

 

_Your plan is to be long-term with Merlin?_

_I love you._

_I want the best for both of you. If that means offering the advantages I’ve accumulated in life, so be it._

_You owe me absolutely nothing._

 

If only he was better at words, speaking what was inside him. Not that he was even sure there were words for what he was feeling, the unique maelstrom that was fear and gratefulness, love and hate, wanting someone close while trying to shove them away at the same time. Taking a chance, letting down some of his guards, even just a fraction, to let Merlin in.

His mind was spinning now. Not in the detached way - he wasn’t floating away, no. But his body had gone fizzy all over, aware that something was happening, something different. It was a red alarm but one he could deal with.

He stood next to the couch, half-turning towards Merlin. He probably looked a bit crazed, eyes a bit too wide and hands a bit too shaky, but it wasn’t fear, not really. If he was afraid, it was only because he was afraid of what he felt. He wasn’t afraid of Merlin. _Alastair_. Who was looking at him with concern in his eyes, still sitting on the couch but all of his super-spy senses tuned into Eggsy.

“I want to kiss you,” Eggsy said, his voice level. He did let himself glance back at the tablets, ensuring that Daisy was okay before he looked back at Merlin. There was a hint of surprise in the shifting of Merlin’s posture, the way his back was straighter than before, but there was something warm in his eyes, tempered by caution. “Please,” Eggsy added.

Confusion flickered next, hesitation. But Merlin nodded, moving so that Eggsy could settle on top of him if he wanted. Trust went both ways, and if Eggsy couldn’t make his point with words, he could make it with this. It was so much easier to straddle him without the leg cast, the arm cast the last burden as he kissed Merlin with everything he could. It wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t soft, it was hunger and desperation, fear and love, the worry that he would wake up and Merlin would be gone, the bone-deep knowledge - no, _feeling_ \- that he would always be alone, that it would never work out. The hope that it would.

Merlin’s hand gripped his hip in surprise, eyes flashing open at the intensity. Eggsy paused - it was consensual, he would only go forward if Merlin wanted to. He met Merlin’s eyes, not sure what Merlin saw in his face. “Eggsy,” Merlin started, and then he stopped, a faint smile on his face. Eggsy was so close that Merlin’s breath was soft against him, so close that the rims of his glasses were cool against his face.

_Trust_. The word seemed to echo between them without even being said.

Then Merlin kissed him, his hands gentle as he pulled Eggsy closer to him. There was a sweetness to it, affection, but a hunger, his long fingers slipping under Eggsy’s shirt and up to his abdomen, resting over his ribs. Eggsy shivered, a full-body movement he couldn’t control. His tongue traced Merlin’s teeth, softening the kiss for a moment before tugging at Merlin’s bottom lip with his teeth.

Merlin chuckled into his mouth, tugging at Eggsy’s shirt before removing his hands completely.

Eggsy broke the kiss, feeling oddly unmoored without Merlin’s hands on him, to tug his shirt over his head, glaring at the cast that made it difficult. When he turned back to Merlin, almost went in for a kiss, he saw Merlin looking at the cast with a hint of apprehension. What wasn’t apprehensive was the fact Merlin was hard, hips lining up with Eggsy’s in a way that was delightful but not nearly enough.

“Please,” Eggsy said, the word soft but as full of feeling as he could make it. Words were hard, but sex wasn’t. It was different, with Merlin, but it wasn’t difficult. Their relationship had moved slow, words and touches before anything else. Merlin had to want it, but he had never once pushed Eggsy for more, never once made him feel slighted. Eggsy wanted that, wanted _him_.

He wanted someone who would put him first like that, who wouldn’t push for things Eggsy wasn’t sure he could give. Harry’s name, his office -- Eggsy had managed to tame it. He would take the Galahad position, and focus on living up to Harry’s reputation. Not as a dramatic peacock, but as someone who had changed Eggsy’s life. Eggsy wanted to do that for other kids in his position, kids with potential who were trapped in a dead-end situation, just waiting for someone to stumble in and change their life.

It didn’t happen nearly enough.

Merlin studied him for a long moment, but the apprehension was gone, replaced with amusement instead. “Bed?”

Eggsy blinked at him, caught off guard, his heart thundering in his ears. Bed was...different. It was intimate. The last time he’d had sex had been for drugs, the fix that almost cost him his life. The dirty drugs, cocaine cut with heroin.

But Merlin’s fingers weren’t the short, callused hands of his drug dealer, the care in his face wasn’t the sneer that he’d worn as he fucked Eggsy into the wall. Merlin wasn’t _him_. It was the differences he focused on as Merlin nudged him up, obviously hard in his slacks. Without a word Eggsy grabbed their tablets and headed up the stairs. It wasn’t something that would have been doable with his leg cast, but it was now that he had some more freedom.

Something stopped him at the top of the stairs, drew him to Daisy’s room, where he cracked the door open and looked at her, a sliver of light making her visible. He could see her on the tablets, check her vitals, but nothing was like seeing her in person, the visceral relief that she was alive and well. Even with the heat, the arousal that pulsed through him, he wanted to make sure she was okay. He lived for her, he lived for Merlin. Someday he wanted to live for himself.

Merlin’s fingers touched his bare back before his palm, easing Eggsy into the touch so not to startle. It sent another shiver through Eggsy, but not in a bad way. Part of it was the adrenaline, was the fear of loss, but even without those, he wanted it. He wanted Merlin, Alastair, both and the same.

As quietly as he could, Eggsy closed the door. Merlin’s bedroom door - _their_ bedroom door - was already open. It was the work of a few seconds to fit the tablets in their charging docks, something that had already become habit in the few months he had spent at the house.

At _home_.

Eggsy half-expected Merlin to hesitate, to ask Eggsy if he was sure, but apparently he was finally taking Eggsy at his word because he moved forward.

Then he passed by Eggsy, much to his dismay.

“Where the fuck are you going?” Eggsy asked, propping his hands on his hip like a dismayed romance heroine. Yes, Merlin was like two feet away, but that was not the point.

Merlin raised an eyebrow at him, amusement and heat dancing in his eyes. “It’s not sexy when your glasses break and cut someone’s face. Or something else.”

Eggsy opened and then closed his mouth. Okay, he could see that. Not that he expected it would happen, not now, but it was better safe than sorry. “Then take ‘em off and get over here.” His voice was louder than he would have liked, overcompensating for the nerves that threatened to swallow him. It was easy to throw himself into the physical side of things, break it apart from the feelings that simmered under the surface, but he wasn’t going to let himself.

Merlin chuckled, taking them off as slow as purposefully possible and folding the arms before setting the pair of glasses on his bedside table, where they were presumably safe. When he turned to look back at Eggsy it was almost strange to see him without glasses, but nice, too. Eggsy wasn’t the only one who was vulnerable, even if it was in a different way.

“If there’s anything you don’t want, say so.” There was no arguing with Merlin’s tone, or the seriousness in his face. He waited for Eggsy to nod before reaching down and pulling off his jumper and undershirt, not even bothering to fold them before tossing them to the side.

Nerves still made Eggsy twitchy, and he cocked his head at Merlin, returning the earlier teasing look. “Wrinkles?’

“Do you care?” Merlin asked dryly, moving forward until he was in Eggsy’s space.

It wasn’t like in the movies where there was a simultaneous falling into bed. Partially because for all Eggsy was healed, he still had a cast on his non-dominant hand, and twisting his ribs or his ankle wasn’t the best idea. Not that it was going to stop him, but he didn’t want Merlin fussing the midst of something far more important.

“Lay down?” Eggsy didn’t let himself hesitate as he spoke. It was half a request, half a question. Eggsy tipped his chin up, trying to look confident despite the twist of butterflies in his stomach. Would Merlin prefer to be on top, or would he let Eggsy?

Merlin pulled off his socks, undid his fly and stepped out of his trousers. He was watching Eggsy with amusement in the depths of his dark eyes, a wariness holding it all back, like he was waiting for Eggsy to snap and change his mind.

“Stop looking at me like I’m going to run away.” Eggsy’s words were soft, but there was a firmness to them. He wasn’t going anywhere. “Alastair.”

Surprise and then chagrin slid across Merlin’s face, and he leaned forward to kiss Eggsy, bending down to compensate for the height difference. “I love you,” Merlin said against Eggsy’s lips, the kiss and Merlin’s hand on his face the sole points of contact between the two.

It sent warmth flooding through him, down to the tips of his toes, as ridiculous as it sounded. It was almost giddy, the way it made him feel, because for the moment not only did Merlin say the words, but Eggsy _believed_ them. It wasn’t the end-all, be-all. It wouldn’t be that way forever. It would start with small moments like this, before lasting longer. It would take time.

But for now, he had it. “I love you too,” Eggsy said with a chaste kiss. Then he nudged Merlin, looking pointedly at the bed.

Merlin sat on the edge of the bed, his legs apart. He reached out for Eggsy, tilting his head to the side.

Humoring him, Eggsy stepped closer. He’d seen Merlin shirtless before, but this time was different. Merlin slid his arms around Eggsy and pulled him closer until Eggsy was almost touching the bed, his body against Merlin’s, skin against skin. For a moment Merlin just looked at him, the height difference favoring Eggsy for once, since Merlin was sitting down.

Merlin moved his head back, looking expectantly at Eggsy. Catching on, he leaned down the few inches difference and started kissing him, adrenaline making his body feel alive. He was hard in his sweatpants, knew Merlin was too, but Merlin wasn’t pushing for anything, just taking what Eggsy was offering. The kiss had sweetness to its heat, and Eggsy slid his arms around Merlin, mapping out his shoulder blades, the muscles under his skin.

The room was quiet except for the wet sounds of their kissing, the thunder Eggsy could hear in his ears. Eggsy had long taught himself to be as quiet or loud as the partner preferred, but with Merlin he didn’t have a baseline.

Merlin’s hands were anchored on his hips now, thumbs rubbing circles in a way that made his toes curl. It wasn’t the sex, the physicality. It was the intimacy that made the whole situation so much... _more_.

Eggsy broke the kiss, breathing heavily. “Fuck,” he muttered.

“Not until your cast is off.” Merlin gave him a stern look.

Eggsy huffed, but he was smiling. “Wanker.”

“You’re about to find out,” Merlin quipped. He scooted back on the bed more towards the center but didn’t lay down, instead looking at Eggsy. Taking a guess, Eggsy crawled on the bed, pushing Merlin over to get him to actually do what Eggsy had asked positively ages ago. Merlin rolled his eyes but adjusted himself, the fondness on his face betraying any mock aggravation.

It was harder on his cast than he had anticipated, but he took any pressure off his hand by using his elbow to Merlin’s right side. Merlin’s leg shifted up to serve as a bumper for Eggsy’s hips, keeping Eggsy from tipping over if he got off balance. It didn’t stop Eggsy from moving forward and slotting their hips together, using his good hand to steady himself as their kiss went from sweet to hungry.

Merlin made noises, a soft breath, a groan. Eggsy was silent, some part of him still overwhelmed by what was going on. But that wasn’t the point, not this time. This time was for Merlin, even if he didn’t know it. Eggsy wanted him to know that he cared, that he was appreciated for it, that Eggsy loved him in a way that couldn’t be adequately put into words.

It was hard to think with the way his mind was spinning, so many options laid out in front of him. What did Merlin like? What turned him on? It was Eggsy’s goal to find out, but where to start? He kissed the corner of Merlin’s lips and headed for his jawline, measuring Merlin’s responses underneath him. A sharp inhale - do it again. His fingers flexing against Eggsy’s hip? He likes it.

He nipped at Merlin’s earlobe, a pulse of heat shooting through him when Merlin moaned, his grip pulling Eggsy closer, their cocks sliding together in a way that took Eggsy’s breath away. He didn’t stop, instead moving to Merlin’s neck, feeling his pulse point with his tongue, tasting the salt of his skin.

Merlin’s hand landed on Eggsy’s shoulder, and when Eggsy lifted his head there was a question there.

Eggsy hesitated, but shook his head. Merlin was asking before he touched Eggsy the same way Eggsy was touching him, unabashed and with free rein. But Eggsy wasn’t ready. “Not this time,” he amended out loud. Merlin studied him with a hint of a frown, which Eggsy quickly banished with a nip at the skin of his neck, Merlin easily distracted. His hands settled back on the jut of Eggsy’s hipbones, a soothing presence.

It was easy to categorize what Merlin liked. Mouthing under his ear, his neck, his inner elbow made him shiver, nipping at his fingers made his knees jerk up and his toes curl. Eggsy watched all of it hungrily, listened to the noises, hyper-aware and focusing on the feelings of skin against skin, the way Merlin tasted, the way he responded to everything Eggsy did.

Merlin was blood-hot against him now, hips rolling against Eggsy’s almost every time Eggsy moved. Eggsy’s mind felt like it was full of static, a buzzing noise blanking everything else out. He kissed Merlin, his hips rolling in rhythm, the sweatpants dulling the sensation in some ways but the tug of the fabric accentuating it in others.

His fingers clutched at the covers to keep him up, Merlin half-supporting him with what coordination he had left. Merlin’s hands were on his back, scrabbling against him, each movement drawing him closer to a cliff he was going to fall off.

The rush he was familiar with, the pleasure building up until it burst, purely organic in the delight it sent through his system. But this was different. This was _Alastair_ underneath him, his face flushed, his body curled against Eggsy’s, giving as good as he got while allowing Eggsy to have control, whatever his agenda was. Alastair was whimpered noises when a seam caught in a good way, ragged breathing as Eggsy shifted, finding just the right spot to grind against, no longer kissing but clutching onto each other for dear life.

He bit into the meat of Merlin’s shoulder when the static stopped, a constant whine replacing the buzz, everything tightening and then releasing all at once. He was dimly aware of coming in his pants, of Merlin moving against him, shuddering, almost there. What he was aware of was the feeling his heart had dropped out of his chest, that the whole world had fallen apart underneath him, leaving him alone where he was, perched high above everything else. He hadn’t fallen off a cliff, he had jumped with no net below.

It was strange, the pleasure/agony of being stuck in his mind, like something exploding inside him, a wall breaking down and crumbling into tiny bits, rubble all around him. It felt like forever but no time at all before he was blinking his eyes, feeling almost deja vu when he felt Merlin’s weight underneath him, the solidness and warmth of his skin.

The panic hit him like a wall, his nails digging into Merlin’s skin, ignoring the stickiness between them. He forced himself to take a deep breath, to focus on the feeling of Merlin warm against him, the pleasant coziness that lingered in his middle, the remnant, relaxed feeling of post-orgasmic bliss. The safety and security of being somewhere Dean couldn’t find him, the fact that Daisy was asleep nearby.

He moved so that he was half on top of Merlin, head tucked near his shoulder. The same way he had had Merlin sleep just a few nights ago. He was covered in sweat, Merlin almost clammy-hot, but there was something comfortable about it that Eggsy didn’t want to give up. He felt scraped-raw, fragile, like he’d been laid bare even though he still had his sweatpants on.

Nudity was more than skin deep, in a way. Not that it stopped Eggsy’s heart from racing, from skipping a beat as Merlin’s fingers drifted up and down his spine, the lazy, relaxed gesture that Eggsy loved.

“Are you okay?” Merlin asked, his voice a rumble in his chest.

“Yeah.” Eggsy was careful where he put his casted arm, not wanting to scrape Merlin with the wrapping, but he stayed as close to Merlin as he could. He would get sticky and uncomfortable sooner rather than later, but that was for later-Eggsy to worry about. Part of him still marveled at the difference. He’d been that close to Merlin before, both in bed and out, but this was different. The wall holding him back had shattered, at least temporarily.

He had no illusions it was gone forever. It was a defense mechanism that had lasted far too long to be fixed by one simple thing, no matter what it was. But Merlin wasn’t just one thing. He was a culmination of things, of feelings, thoughts, and actions that matched, all showing that he cared.

“I wasn’t sure I could live up to the Galahad name,” Eggsy said finally, the words feeling like another slash against his already-raw skin, another bleeding wound that he was opening up. Another way he could be hurt. “That’s why I didn’t want it.”

Merlin lifted his head to look at him, then laid it back on the pillow. “I - and Harry would agree - can’t think of anyone better to continue his legacy.”

Eggsy shifted to hide his face in the crook of Merlin’s neck, comforted by the warmth, the reassurance Merlin was alive. He felt almost like a child, which was strange and ridiculous, given what had just happened. But part of him was entrenched in that vulnerability, the fear that the moment he shared part of himself it would be snatched away, like a child losing a favorite toy. Eggsy didn’t have much of himself left, not really. He’d given so much to other people.

“If you’d like to sponsor other candidates, we have a few replacements we need.” Merlin moved to kiss his hair, something warm in his voice Eggsy wasn’t sure what to do with. “I think Kingsman needs more people like you.”

Eggsy was the one who raised his head, raised an eyebrow to match. “Better not be planning to treat them the same way, eh?” He cocked his head towards the side, taking in the room, how they were pressed against each other.

Merlin laughed, and his smile made Eggsy’s stomach flip. “No,” he agreed. “There’s just one of you.” The fondness was unbridled, affection in full force. Eggsy let himself drink it in for as long as he could stand before hiding his face again, his heart feeling almost too full.

It was a heady feeling, loving someone. The knowledge that the person you cared for, cared for you in return. That Merlin was holding him close, treating him as special, because he wanted to, not because he wanted something from Eggsy. He wanted to thank Merlin, wanted to apologize, but he didn’t, because the part of him that was in control knew he didn’t have to.

The longer he laid there, the more of his consciousness came back, the knowledge heavy in his heart.

 

_He deserves someone better. Someone not so damaged._

_He’s just another pair of hands, another body who wants to fuck you._

_Like he’d seriously want to keep you._

 

He’d heard that and worse in his time growing up. Not about Merlin, but about anyone who showed him interest, bird or bloke. It was an insidious voice in his mind, pulling at him, the doubt a tempting siren song. Especially after the the nice thoughts, the hopes that had occupied him for the evening threatened to disappear.

But for once he told that part of him to fuck off. He didn’t want to deal with it, didn’t want to think about it. For now he wanted to stay where he was, curled up against Merlin, walls down for as long as they would last. He loved Merlin, Merlin loved him, and that was what mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...progress? :D Would love to hear what you all think!


End file.
